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For the longest time, Robert didn’t believe he was meant to be loved. It wasn’t because of something like fate, or a weird curse placed on his family generations ago. He just… wasn’t fit for love. He was Mecha Man. He was a fighter. He didn’t have the time to be loved.
Then he was hired at SDN, and for the first time since he was a teenager, Robert got to experience what love was. Though his relationship with all of the Z-team started rough, they grew on him, and he really began to be accepted into their little ‘family’.
This, however, was not enough to satisfy the pit that frequently made itself known in the bottom of his stomach. This pit, this dark, ugly thing, always craved something more. And that ‘more’ manifested in schoolgirl crushes on two of his coworkers.
When those two coworkers announced their relationship to the team, Robert went home and drank like it was the anniversary of his father’s death. He was a bit more reserved for about a week after that, pulling back from the team until he was being confronted every damn mission for why he was being so distant. Robert, for the benefit of the team, got his act together and reminded himself that this was the way things were meant to be.
Robert Robertson was not capable of love.
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It’s not a few weeks into his new relationship that Robert realises how unworldly this is for him.
He’s on the couch, leaning against Chad for warmth while Herman plays with his hands. There’s a movie on screen, one from the 2010s that he had never seen, because at that time, he was too busy to ever engage in a trivial thing like watching a movie. This one was claimed to be a classic by Chad, even though Robert’s pretty sure most people have never even heard of the film.
Herman threads their fingers together, and Robert absentmindedly squeezes his hand. Herman squeezes back, a dopey smile on his face, and a look of absolute adoration in his eyes. Robert smiles back for a few seconds, and then it hits him. He’s being domestic. He’s cuddling with his boyfriends on the couch, watching a movie that he’s barely paying attention to because he’s too busy being lovey-dovey to care about the plot.
Herman must notice the way his face changes, because his face drops into confusion, and he squeezes Robert’s hand again. Robert brushes him off with a smile and turns his attention back to the screen. Herm leans over to settle against Robert’s body. They finish the movie in silence. Robert doesn’t say anything for the rest of the night.
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The next time Robert feels this feeling is a week later at work. His lunch break has just started, so he hands Beef over to Chase and retreats to the breakroom. Flambae is already there waiting for him and Waterboy, with three warm tupperwares sitting in front of him.
“Hi,” Robert greets him with a sigh, catching the tupperware that’s slid across the table towards him. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s a home-cooked meal, so it’s better than anything Robert’s eaten for a long time.
“Hi,” Flambae greets back, a warm smile on his face. The man, for some odd reason, likes to see Robert eat. He says it’s satisfying to see another person enjoy his cooking. Robert thinks it’s because Flambae likes the comfort of knowing that he isn’t surviving off of scraps and vending machine garbage.
Waterboy walks in, also receiving a kind greeting and a warm meal. Robert silently eats his food as his boyfriends have a trivial conversation about something funny that happened during an earlier mission, offering the occasional chuckle or funny comment. It’s peaceful, and a great break from the usual chaos Robert faces while dispatching. Lunch passes fast, and soon Flambae is standing up to get ready for the shift.
“Stay safe,” he says, pressing a kiss to Waterboy’s cheek.
“See you after the shift,” he says to Robert. He then tilts the man’s face up and gently kisses his temple. Waterboy waves goodbye to him as he leaves. Robert stays frozen for a few seconds.
It was a tame kiss, much tamer than Flambae’s normal kisses. But that’s the thing that gets Robert. It was gentle, domestic, even. It was such a small action, but there was actual love behind it.
The kiss throws Robert off for the rest of the shift. Punch-Up makes a point of calling him extra quiet, and Prism asks if he’s ok three separate times.
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Robert had fucked today’s shift up.
Dispatch after dispatch, fail after fail. Multiple close calls. Multiple successes that bordered on adding to the growing pile of steaming shit that Robert had created.
He didn’t even have an excuse. There was no tragic anniversary that day, no issues or annoyances that could have affected his performance, no illness that would mess with his brain. Today had just been a fluke.
The entire team was, understandably, pissed at him. Hell, Robert’s pissed at himself. He doesn’t care. It’s warranted, and the team being angry is something he can deal with. He can manage friends being angry at him, and can deal with their comments being a bit harsher than usual.
What he can’t deal with is the fact that Chad and Herman are a part of the team that is pissed at him.
He debates walking home, even though he’d have to carry Beef for most of the long walk. Unfortunately, Chad and Herman leave the changing rooms and make their way over to Robert before he can work up the courage to walk all the way home.
He’s half-expecting to be told to walk home, but instead he gets silence. It’s impossible to tell if that’s better or worse.
Robert walks behind the two men through the parking lot. He’s afraid he’ll set something off if he walks too close. Chad unlocks his car, and Robert slides into the backseat with Beef in his lap. He presses himself close to the door, instead of sliding into the middle of the backseat. Herman fiddles with the radio, and they begin the drive home in silence.
Robert stares out the window, absentmindedly petting Beef and trying to will down the odd lump that’s forming in his throat. The pit in his stomach is also as present as ever, and although it’s no more than what Robert’s felt before, it’s making him extra nauseous. He hasn’t felt this way in a while, so his body probably just isn’t used to it anymore.
Finally, they all arrive home. Robert scoops Beef up and exits the car. Chad locks it, and they make their way to the elevator. Robert, once again, falls behind and shoves himself into the elevator corner. When they get to the right floor, he hesitates about even going inside. Chad opens the door and holds it for Herman. He notices Robert’s hesitation, rolls his eyes, and lets the door swing shut behind him. The sound of the door shutting in the empty hallway makes Robert flinch. He stares blankly at the sad beige color of the door, then glances around the hallway to confirm nobody just witnessed that. He’s about two seconds away from bursting into tears and going to Chase’s house when the door opens.
Herman stands in the door, his gaze less harsh than Chad’s, but the tension is still there. He motions for Robert to come in, though, so he does. He doesn’t know why, because they probably don’t even want to look at him, but for some reason, the thought of leaving makes the pit twist a bit.
Robert enters and sets Beef down, then just stands awkwardly. He doesn’t really want to invade the living room, but the only other room he can really go to is their bedroom, and that feels even more wrong.
“Jesus, Robert, just sit down,” Chad huffs, passing him to hang his jacket up.
“I’m gonna go shower,” Robert announces at the same time. He rushes off and locks himself in the bathroom, then unlocks the door, then relocks it again. Then, the idea of Herman or Chad needing something from the bathroom and not being able to get it pops into Robert’s head, so he unlocks the door again.
The shower turns on, the water set to a higher setting than comfortable. The stream of water is loud and, hopefully, enough to drown out the sound of Robert finally letting a few tears fall.
This isn’t normal for him. Robert Robertson doesn’t cry; he’s a man. Just because his partners are mad at him doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. All he needs is a glass of something strong, and he’ll be fine. This was, after all, to be expected. He’s unlovable.
Robert hops into the shower, letting the water wash away his feelings and mask the tears on his face. The only evidence of his sadness is the slightly salty taste on his tongue whenever the occasional tear rolls into his mouth.
He spends longer than normal in the shower, mostly trying to calm down so that he’s presentable when he leaves the bathroom. When he feels like he can keep his emotions relatively in check, he turns the shower off and wraps himself in a towel. He opens the bathroom door and rushes to his bedroom, thanking god that it’s empty and getting dressed fast. There’s a delicious smell wafting into the room front he kitchen, so Robert hesitantly walks through the apartment and into the kitchen.
Chad and Hermana are sitting at the table, waiting. There’s a plate on the table where Robert usually sits, which eases some of his nerves and quells his feeling of displacement.
“Hey. We were waiting for you,” Chad says, gesturing for Robert to sit down.
“Are you good- ok?” Herman asks.
“What?”
“You spend a long time in there- in the shower.”
“I’m fine,” Robert says, picking up his fork and shoving a bite of food in his mouth, using that as an excuse to stop talking. Thankfully, Herman doesn’t push further. He probably doesn’t care enough to do so.
The silence continues through dinner.
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“Robert, we’re going to bed,” Chad peeks his head out of the bedroom to talk to Robert, who’s been watching shitty reality television for the last hour with Beef. He’s curled up under a blanket, hugging a throw pillow against his chest.
“Hmm? Ok,” He says, eyes briefly leaving the screen. His voice sounds like he’s in some sort of haze. He squeezes the pillow tighter, his finger digging into the plush as he tears his eyes away from Chad and back to House Hunters.
“Are you coming?” Chad asks, a hint of confusion in his tone. Robert doesn’t answer. In all honesty, he thought it’d be better if he slept on the couch.
“Robert.”
“R-Robert?” Herman also pokes his head out from around Chad.
Robert looks back, staring at both of them. The perfect couple.
“You know we’re not that mad at you, right?” Chad scoffs, and Robert’s eyes go wide.
“What?” He gapes, the haze fading from his voice.
“Did you- is that why you were quiet- silent? You thought… we were mad at you?” Herman walks over and sits next to him on the couch.
“I-” Robert can’t find the right words to say. He’s honestly in shock because they have to be lying. Everyone was mad at him after today’s shift. How could they not be?
“Oh, baby,” Chad's face goes soft, and he also walks over, sandwiching Robert between him and Herman on the couch.
“Come to bed, yeah?” Herman asks gently, taking Robert’s hand in his own. Robert nods carefully, his gaze slightly skeptical.
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I love you.
That phrase had been muttered, spoken, and screamed at him for the past hour. Herman was tracing patterns on his back, and Chad was giving him a face mask.
“Feel any better?” Chad asks, applying the last of the odd goop to Robert’s face.
“Yeah,” He smiles. He felt weird, but that was because he was getting pampered, not because he still felt like sobbing. Herman places a kiss on his neck.
“That’s good- fantastic. Love you.”
Robert blushes again, like he had every time either man had told him that.
“Love you too,” he sighs out, leaning back to rest his head on Herman's shoulder.
“What about me?” Chad whines, pouting. Robert laughs, his eyes squeezing closed. He missed the look he gets from Chad, a dopey smile on his face.
“I love you too,” Robert giggles, earning him a kiss on the cheek that smears his mask. All three of them burst out into laughter, and Chad tries to kiss Herman to smear the mask onto his face.
Robert, thankfully, is calming down. He’s not afraid of suddenly being snapped at. Instead, he’s sitting on a large bed and laughing, carefree of his previous worries. And that’s all his boyfriends want for him.
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It’s two in the morning. Robert’s not asleep. Herman is curled up on his right, snoring peacefully as they both use Chad’s arm as a pillow. Robert stares up into the ceiling, deep in thought.
Both men had apologized to him and showered him with love before falling asleep. The problem was how conflicted it made Robert feel.
He’d been waiting for the day they kicked him to the curb with nothing other than a suitcase and Beef.
But that hadn’t happened.
Instead, he got pampered and showered in love. Chad and Herman fought to show him just how much they loved him. It was eye-opening, and it completely fucked with Robert’s perspective of himself. Because how, in this situation, was he supposed to believe he was unlovable?
All the little things were beginning to click for him. The small gestures, the quick kisses, the muttered praises.
That strange, unfamiliar feeling he got every time? Love.
Robert’s in love.
And he’s loved back.