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Running away.
One can say that’s Mizuki’s best trait.
It’s always been like this.
Running is just easier than facing the truth.
…
Since young, Mizuki knew she isn’t like the other boys in her class. While they prefer running around in the hot burning sun kicking a ball, she preferred to sew and make pretty clothes. Is there a problem with that though? I mean, I guess it’s weird, a boy liking fashion? Disgusting.
A stupid disgusting guy who likes fashion.
Middle school wasn’t any better, the bullying intensified rather than dying down. Most kids that went to Mizuki’s middle school are from her grade school, so they knew exactly what is underneath the facade she puts up. Rumours spread fast during these times.
It starts from one.
Then two.
Five.
Ten.
Twenty.
And soon half of the school knows.
That’s okay though, because while the comments and the stares hurts mentally, as long as she acts like nothings wrong, no one questions deeper. She’s weird, everyone knows that, so why would you talk to someone who’s weird to find out how they feel? Even if they do know it’s fake, they don’t care enough to question. So, the easier thing to do is act like nothings wrong. It works really. As long as she doesn’t think about it and pushes it down.
Everything will be okay.
Mizuki tries to not let her older sister, Yuuki, worry that much about what goes on in school, I mean, she has her own problems. Yuuki has her own life that isn’t just ‘Mizuki this’ and ‘Mizuki that.’ Yuuki asks, but she’ll stop when she realised it’s too much.
Somedays, Mizuki wishes she push a little more.
The good thing about Yuuki is that while she asks too many questions, she’s far away. Distant. Her being distant means that it’s harder for her to ask a little more direct.
So shoving down feelings that is about to spill out of mouth, she smiles and waves at her sister goodbye as Yuuki stares at her with pitiful eyes that makes Mizuki sick. Why must she care so much about someone this disgusting like me?
“She keeps asking am I okay.”
“I’ll be fine. I can handle it myself.”
What a stupid lie, she thought to herself.
After she joined Nightcord, things didn’t really change. Atleast now she has a purpose on doing something. Making cute MVs for the songs they create together at 0:25. Kanade, Mafuyu, Ena, they’re all so sweet and amazing. Wonder how they would feel knowing the truth.
Everyone has a role inside the friend group outside of the music stuff they work on. Mizuki is the ‘happy friend’ who listens when people need help. Who’s there to plan event, keep the conversation going, smile and laugh. I mean, compared to Kanade’s undenying guilt that she has due to her childhood and Mafuyu’s family situation, let’s not forget how Ena’s father is a total bitch. They all need so much love and care to heal properly, so honestly, compared to the three, her problems seem so irrelevant. It feels like she’s overreacting. Maybe she is.
Unfortuanaly, Nightcord cares about her as much as she cares about them. And that’s a problem. They’re aware she has issues (I mean, the group was formed because of that no?) but they just don’t know the context of them. Well, Mizuki doesn’t share about her issues that are killing her deep down. She shares specific stuff of her life. but not too much for them to connect the pieces. It hurts hiding, but, it doesn’t matter.
Her problems doesn’t matter.
So instead, she’ll shove the emotions she has down further and smile. Because that’s what she can do to help.
Smile and laugh and be the one that someone can lean on when they need support. Remember, a disgusting human being like you doesn’t need a shoulder to cry on.
So why is this happening? Why? She spent years hiding it for so long. So why is everything crashing down in the worst way possible?
Akiyama Mizuki, the one time something goes her way, the one time she finally feels comfortable enough to share the secret that has been stabbing at her chest anytime she talks to Nightcord all these years, everything crashes down.
“Hey are you a guy too?”
“Huh? Oh.”
“I wonder, if I were to tell them the moment we met, would things be different?”
“It won’t. One can hope though.”
So, here’s what she’ll do. Do what she does best.
Run.
The more she runs, the more she can avoid it. Who wants to confronts the uncomfortable truth?
That the place she loves and cares about, Kanade, Mafuyu. Ena. It’ll all be destroyed.
But that’s okay, because she knew this what going to happen. That’s just life for a disgusting person like her.
Nothing good ever comes associating with her.
She wishes that isn’t true though, but oh well, it repeats again I guess. She’ll run, cut contact, and once again…
Restart.
That’s not what she wants deep down though.
And she knows it too well.