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Somehow, everything felt different today. It's quite hard to say what was really so different, after all the night was passing normally, it could've hardly been any more normal, really. And still there was just this feeling of impending chaos lingering that no one seemed to be willing to acknowledge. Maybe because it's easier to ignore and neither wanted to break off that oddly… domestic moment they were having.
The two were sitting together on Emil's and for once neither said anything, it was quite rare for the air to be this quiet around them, usually there was always some type of chatter going on even if it was absent minded and barely comprehensible words being spit out there was at least something.
Now, it was just silence, though it's hard to say if it was good silence or bad silence. On one hand it just felt…right, comfortable to be like that. On the other, they shouldn't be like this, they shouldn't be so close, shouldn't feel what they're feeling.
It's wrong after all.
Well that's what Lou's mind constantly told him anyway.
He never should've gotten so close to another man. It was all wrong from the start, he'd felt that foreign yet so oddly familiar feeling from the very first moment they got to know each other, yet in his selfish desire to have a true friend he'd ignored it and now here he is, closer to him than he'd ever been to any other person with that deep feeling of love even his best attempts couldn't deny.
Shit, getting to the point of no denial is truly terrifying, huh?
It certainly wasn't exactly helpful how close Emil was getting again. It was just an arm around the shoulder, a touch that had started to feel so casual now, and maybe for Emil ti really was just a casual gesture that came like second nature, but for a man who couldn't ever truly accept his feelings it felt like such a….disgusting mix of comfort and burden that it set a a feeling of heavy weight on his stomach. Apparently said weight was strong enough to make his inner turmoil visible on his face, either that, or Emil had just become too god at noticing his emotions as he leaned his face slightly closer with a gentle smile, his long, hair brushing against Lou's shoulder in a soft tickle as he spoke in that light-hearted tone "Everything alright? You look like you have a stick up your ass."
Normally, that would've made him chuckle a little and respond with some cocky bullshit in that fake annoyed one even a death person could see through, but now, now everything about this situation that ball of confused feelings curl tighter and tighter until a light squeeze on his shoulder finally made it snap.
He practically jumped up from the bed, anything to build distance between them.
Such an explosion of feelings can manifest in many ways, confusion, sadness or in this particular case, anger. A strong, desperate anger. An anger born from hurt that doesn't mean to cause harm but will inevitably ruin one thing or another.
Through the hasty motions of his hands it was quite hard to tell what Lou was trying to do, he attempted to mess up his hair, loosen his tie, take a cigarette and run for the door all at the same time. He really looked like a mess more than he ever has, and ever will, probably.
Any normal friend would've been worried seeing him in that state and Emil was more, far more, than a normal friend so obviously he got up just as quickly. He didn't want to stress Lou out more by moving quickly tho, so instead he took steady steps towards him, talking in that soothing voice he rarely ever shows but it didn't seem to help much as the second he got too close he was pushed back with a force that almost knocked him over.
But of course that didn't really stop him, he kept trying to calm him, he would keep trying until it worked, no matter what
Why couldn't he just give up? Why does he have to be this way? Why does he have to be who he is? Why, just why does he have to be so touchy, so direct, so confident? Why is he so proud of who he is, why couldn't he be more ashamed of himself? Hell easiest of all, why couldn't he just be a girl? That would solve all their issues, that would make what they are right! But no they have to be dirty mistakes, wrongdoings instead!
Those words Lou thought he was just yelling at himself inside his head clearly ended up coming out loud, judging from the clear hurt on Emil's face.
That's one thing he never meant to do. He was fine with hurting and reprimanding himself all he could, but he never wanted to end up hurting Emil instead. Yet in an odd way it almost felt like they were supposed to be here, like this was the inevitable point they were always set out to reach. Fate truly is cruel, huh?
In that moment he should've apologized, hell he wanted to apologies. It clearly wouldn't have fixed anything, it wouldn't have been able to make the harm magically go away but maybe it could've done something.
He wanted to make clear he was sorry, that all the things he just said were stupid words of despair, not his true feeling yet two things made it almost impossible for those words to come out. For once, the tight knot in his throat that just wouldn't let him get past mumbled letters. For seconds, the knowledge that saying sorry means he acknowledges what he said isn't fully true, acknowledges his feelings and acknowledges his own identity, all things he was so desperate to hide so close to spilling out and fully break his denial.
That feeling is nothing short of terrifying and in most people such feelings of fear would get their fight or flee started. Lou knew he'd pick the flee option, looking at the prideful coward he truly is and so he sprinted out of the door, out into the streets, hurrying on his way home.
His little breakdown clearly lasted longer than he thought it did, seeing as the sun was slowly starting to rise over the rooftops, he had to hurry.
Even in his quick pace he spent just a second to really look at the sky, it looked clear, like it was getting ready to become a rare sunny day in this rainy season. It felt like mockery of him. Like even earth itself was taking this moment to laugh at him. It was cruel.
But maybe, that cruelty is what he deserved.