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Kyouka Izumi had killed 35 people.
She couldn’t spare herself for being guilty.
***
She never did truly feel like she belonged in the Armed Detective Agency. Everyone was nice to her, even knowing her past as a Port Mafia assassin. They cleared her name, and accepted her as part of their own. But there was a difference between them and her.
She’d once attempted to explain this to Atsushi, just to be told that she was a good person, and everyone in the agency liked her. Kyoka already knew that everyone accepted her, she didn’t need Atsushi to tell her that. What she wanted him to understand is that they were different.
Once she was sitting in the agency’s office, lost in thought, when Ranpo approached her. He gave her a lollipop. Kyouka knew that due to his intelligence, he would probably suspect she felt that way. But Ranpo wasn’t that good with feelings anyway, and besides, he didn’t know what she felt like. No one did.
Another day, it was Kenji who came to her. He claimed she looked a bit gloomy. He made her laugh for a bit, until he deemed she was okay now. She was never okay.
Doctor Yosano gave her a cute plushie, claiming that a girl needed her stuff. She also promised to take her out for shopping, and that she’d convince Atsushi to come with so that he could carry the purchases. Kyouka laughed.
Naomi patted her head, and Jun’ichiro told her funny stories. They could also sense something was not quite right. Kunikida gave her a pen, and Kyouka knew that Kunikida had put a lot of effort into choosing it for her. Kirako, one of the agency’s clerks, let Kyouka pet her calico cat, Mii-chan.
Atsushi was the most supportive of them all, always with her, making sure she was feeling right.
There was one time when president Fukuzawa came to her. They had a long talk, about how it was important Kyouka took care of herself, and thought good of herself. It made her glad that even Fukuzawa cared deeply about her well being.
Despite this, Kyouka could never shake the feeling that she didn’t belong there. That she didn’t deserve this kindness.
Dazai once approached her. He smiled a lot. Kyouka could tell it was a fake smile. Experience told her as much. People smiled to protect themselves. Dazai invited her to a walk, ignoring Kunikida’s complaints. Besides, it was already time to be leaving, as the sun was setting. Once they were outside, Kyouka followed Dazai, listening to him talk about several ways to commit suicide. Kyouka had a thought.
“Dazai, what are you scared of?”
The man stopped in his tracks, and looked back at Kyouka.
“What exactly do you mean?”
“You smile all the time.” She said no more, yet Dazai understood.
“I don’t really know. However, If I had to answer, I’d say I’m scared of myself.”
Kyouka’s eyes widened, and she stared at Dazai.
“Oh.” This was all she vocalized, of all the thoughts that raced through her mind, connecting the dots.
Dazai smiled, not his usual smirk, but a sad smile, “You are too, aren’t you Kyouka.”
***
***
***
“...Yes.”
Dazai gently took her hand, “Follow me.”
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
***
They walked for a while. They went through Yokohama, places that even Kyouka, a former member of the Port Mafia, had never been to. She thought for a moment that if she were to get lost there, she wouldn’t be able to find the way back home.
Finally, Dazai stopped at a staircase.
“After you.” He said.
Kyouka’s natural instinct was to insist Dazai go before. If the man was planning to ambush her, it would be now. However, Kyouka trusted Dazai, because she trusted Atsushi. And she knew the utmost respect that Atsushi had for the suicidal man.
She walked up the staircase, Dazai following behind.
She arrived at the top of the staircase, to be greeted by an ample viewpoint that she didn’t know existed. All Yokohama could be seen from there, all the buildings and skyscrapers, all the city’s lights.
Kyouka was amazed at the beauty of the city. Dazai came behind.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” He said.
Kyouka nodded.
“This is one of my favourite places in Yokohama.” Continued Dazai, “When I was very young, I’d once asked myself, what are all those lights? But then, it hit me.”
He walked up to the edge, gently putting his hands on the fence.
“Their people.”
Kyouka listened to him, in a daze. Dusk was magical, at that moment when all the city’s lights were already on, but it wasn’t truly dark. You could see the setting sun at the very end of the vision.
“You know Kyouka? I used to be in the Port Mafia.”
The girl slowly turned to Dazai, “Yes, Akutagawa used to mention it.”
“In that case, we’re very similar.”
He didn’t say it, but Kyouka understood that despite the way he acted, he did feel guilty for a lot of things.
A single tear ran down her face, one of happiness, as she finally understood that Dazai knew how she felt.
***
“Kyouka, you look happier!” Observed Atsushi.
The girl smiled, “Yes, I do feel better.”
***
Kyouka and Dazai became closer friends.
It was truly a bliss, that of being understood.