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There was a time
It hasn’t always been like this. This hollow. Gutted. Pathetic? A good while back evey day was a precious, cherishable day for Lan Wangji. Every day held an opporunity to perfect his cultivation. An opportunity to meet the Jiang disciples. A day to be painfully close to Wei Wuxian.
When I was so broken hearted
Of course, he had many reasons to do so. To accustom the other to Gusu Lan’s principles and prohibitions, to shut off his maraduing mind, cheeky grin, or his definitely-not-endearing grin fillef with mischief. Wangji’s disciple years were a perfect chance to show the world how much he despised and differed to Wuxian. He was determined to show his uncle, his dear older brother, but most of all, himself.
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine
Over their joint youth, many reasons flew through Wangji, determined to end this foolis attraction of his. Let it be him supervising the other boy in detention, said boy giving him sodomate rabbits, meeting Mianmian or Wuxian returning to Yunmeng, hopes and fantasies kept slithering into his mind.
The tables have turned, yeah
Now all that is left form his sickly sweet boy are his flute and sword. Bubbly chatters and playful arguements have turned into an endless grief, selfdeprecation and a void. A Wei Ying-shaped void.
Cause me and them ways have parted
Wnagji was not alone. He had his brother who saw through him since he beginning and offered perfect aid, as perfect as abroken heart can get, of couse. He soon had a whole clan to lead, with many peole who look up to him. He also had a wee little boy who he had to stay in tact for. He wasn’t alone. He was just lonely.
That kind of love was the killin' kind
By the time the Twin Jades’ heroic twenties soared by, his emotionless face was no longer a mask. He had no Sun to look up to, as the light of his existence killed himself out of his life.
So listen
He had prayed tot his ancestors’ gohsts for advice. He had played Wangxian on chokingly desperate nights endlessy, to no avail.
All I want is someone I can't resist
Doesn’t matter the circumstances, Wangji saw Wei Ying everywhere. In their library, with his lewd book. Among his rabbits, playing with one of his favourites, the black one. The one it had all atarted with.
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed
Lan Zhan could’ve stopped it all in the beginning. He could’ve blamed his heated, red ears on Wei Ying’s inappropriate behaviour. It could have been annoyance, anger, fury, even, but he settled with a more -for him- shameful emotion. The day he made it clear with himself was when he had kissed a very eager and a very blindfolded Wei Wuxian.
I was crying when I met you
At this rate, even with no remain of him, the Lan would lett he man be the death of him. At least they may meet again in the ghost realm, having the Yiling Laozu make fun of him, linger around him. This might’ve been the most gut-jabbing experience of his life: Wangji isolating himself.
Now I'm trying to forget you
That was his life, loathing the nuisance of having the ever-so-lively Wei Ying around, until it morphed into the infiite pain of him not being in any reachable distance from him. Honestly, it was predictable from the very day Wuxian had moved to Yiling that Wangji would lose all glimps of him.
Your love is sweet misery
Sometimes, when Lan Zhan had the time to look after the clan’s rabbits, he would make sure his first two were happy and healthy. He could see the blak velvet spot from afar, mismatching its snow white mates. If one looks close enough, they might see a resemblance to the other black little crature that’s just as close to his heart. He would wonder if there was a universe, where he could also make Gusu a home for his one that got away. If anyone, he would deserve a loving and safe home. Wangji would be more than determined to give it to him.
I was crying just to get you
Now I'm dying cause I let you
Day after day, Wangji felt the same. Week after week, he ate the same. Months after months, he did the same, engulfed by his responsibilities. Year after year, he strengthened himself to become the selfless, pure Hanguang-jun that protects everyone. Nobody gets left behind. Not like Wei Wuxian did.
Do what you do - down on me
HIs soulmate, as one might say, is crushed. Devastated. Gone. Or is he? The Yiling Laozu is known for his deceptive ways. Could he have not faked his death, or became his own corpse soldier? No, he couldn’t. Wei Ying would care about his Lan Zhan, right? he thought. There is no way he’d fool this Lan so cold-heartedly, is there?
Now there's not even breathing room
From 5 am to 9 into the evening, he did what he was told to. Made decisions, palyed the guquin, (or more so, Wangxian,) did his fair share of leading Gusu. Fort he rest of the day, in the realm of dreams was his Canaan. He could pretend to feel Wei Ying all over him, with him. Untroubled, just as bubbly as before, and even more alive.
Between pleasure and pain
Soon, weren’t enough for him. He wanted Wei Ying, close to him, everyday. Until one day, his desires got the best of him, and found himself snucking some Empreror’s Smile into Cloud Recess. He drank, as his lover would have wanted him to. Which in reality barely went past a few gulps. He just missed him. He missed his hungry eyes, his warm loving smile, his soul, his scars. How he made him feel fulfilled in life more than anything. How he didn’t depend on him, but just want him to be his bare self. So he made a permanent reminder of the man he couldn’t save. Ont hat glorios day, the Quiran Wen clan’s branding iron seemed to solve all his trouble. Because most of all, he had absolutely missed his chance to be upfront about his feelings.
Yeah, you cry when we're making love
That night, reality almost came true. His dream Wei Ying was so heavily pulsing with love, he did everything at the same time to provve his presence. He moved, made noises of enjoyment, cries and laughter, just to express his love for Lan Wangji. Them moving in perfect sync, in Cloud Recess’s library. In reality, that lewd booklet would have made everything faster back then.
Must be one and the same
What if his grief really was as unholy as it’s supposed to be? Back then, no matter the scenario, his beloved kept on disrespecting and being cheeky with him. After all, he might have been a tool to play The Big Boy or to base his demonic cultivation. Every night, he first had to make his fantasy man stay still, so he show him how deep down the both craved each other after all. What if his constant sorrow is to pay the price for stepping into the life of sodomity?
It's down on me
It is his fault. Why he left his emotions stray to the path of romance, why he lost that one person his heart met on its way. He himself had caused it all. He is responsible for all of it. He deserved to fall from his hopes to reality due to ignoring his chances of healthy realtionships. He deserved the pain. The loneliness, for that’s what hes’s given to outsiders too. This was fate’s humour, the principle that made the world go around. And Wangji never disobeyed to rules.
Yeah I got to tell you one thing
And thus he wanted to make it clear to he other person, whether he could or felt like hearing or not. From that day on he played Wangxian to express his woes, rather than the feeling of attraction.
It's been on my mind
At frist, this… feeling started as a whisper, a quie little voice in the back of his head, barely audible. Then it hitchiked down his throat, muting any reasonalbe thoughts, into his chest, to fill his lungs so it could strangle him. After all, it has settled in his heart, first filled the hole Wei Ying left behind, then expanded. Now what could have been stings, just a little too much, a little too big, like a fresh tooth inlay.
Girl, I gotta say
He had to reach Wei Ying somehow. Tell him he wants him. Needs him. Deeply, carnally, primally. Even more so, everybody needs him and the light behind his eyes, that glowed fierce within darkness.
We're partners in crime
Wangji had only one mistake, that had caused his downs. His feelings, deeds (even the imaginary ones), the scars on his back by the Disciple Whip could have been prevented by one teeny-tiny action. He thought not showing his love enough was the problem. Oh boy, was he wrong. Then the voice in his hearth told him loving in general was the problem. The truth is surprisingly ironic. He could have kept his needs to be buried far away, or cultivated unusual vibes out of himself, as if he was ill. But oh, no. He for sure screwed up everything in his life ont he day the treated his feeling appropriate and valid.
You got that certain something
But honestly, how could anybody blame him? Anyone who saw Wei Wuxian could tell he was once a smart, cheery, bubbly person, with a now-more-so-hopeful backround., but it was also just as obvious trouble seems to follow him. As the years progressed, people just figured He was trouble.
What you give to me
Takes my breath away
Lan Zhan did weigh the odds. His ups and downs, the consequences and possibilities. The Yiling Laozu was capable of great things. Only his heart was larger than his knowledge. No matter how many times he did the math, he would always come back for Wei Ying. He could only wish he had spent his previous life with him. And he could only hope his present misery is enough to spare for his next life too.
Now the word out on the street
Thirteen years had been far enough to spread rumours and slurs of the evil and merciless Yiling Patriarch whose army of undead Wen dogswere undefeatable fierce corpse soldiers, with Ghost General by his side.
Is the devil's in your kiss
He has achieved many things in the Burial Mounds, but nobody precisely knows what. Some said he could project his concious into objects, or could make them alive with blood and talismans. Some heard he was killed by his own hands, so he could resurrect himself as a fierce corpse. But everyone knew he was bad to the bone. Maybe the devil himself.
If our love goes up in flames
The clearly enough times he could meet Wei Ying he had felt… hot. His skin burned and ached after his touch. His lungs went dry with regret and desire. Mostly jut pain though. Is this how he was supposed to feel? Is that all love has to offer? After this he could nothing but admire his mother even more for her own story of love.
It's a fire I can't resist
On such sappy days, he just couldn’t wait to reincarnate, so he can look for his Wei Wuxian. Life after life. Everyday.
I was crying when I met you
Now I'm trying to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was crying just to get you
Now I'm dying cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me
Cause what you got inside
Thirteen years had passed sincet he day, and Wangji has lost the borders between dreams and reality. He has finally shown enough remorse, or Fate has just simply grown tired of his atrophied and weeping lifestyle, but on one peculiar night hunt he could hear Wangxian playing on Dafan Mountain.
Ain't where your love should stay
So starting from today, he got to perish the fine line that separated what he had and what he wanted. Not only did he get to meet Wei Yilng again, together they had the chance to somewhat clear his darling’s name, and have apresent they never could’ve imagined.
Yeah, love, sweet love, ain't love
Their bond grew past unlikely friendshup. Past physical attraction. No. What they had was a miracle that bonded in the Spirit Realm. Independent on time, space, intruders, or time itself.
'Til you give your heart away
It hasn’t always been like this. This full. This happy. This perfect? for a good while, everyday has been a precious, cherishable day for Lan Wangji. Everyday held an opportunity to practise cultivation. An opportunity to teach dhis disciples (children, rather). A day to love his Wei Wuxian.
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' just to let you
Do what you do what you do down to me
Baby, baby, baby
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do down to , down to, down to, down to
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm dyin' to forget you
Your love is sweet
I was cryin' when I met you