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“Do you think I’m sick?”
It’s a question Helga asks almost every session. It’s become more of a habit now. Sometimes, she thinks she’s just overreacting, thanks to teenage hormones and all that; while in others, she is sure she’s made it to the top five craziest people in the world.
“Not at all, Helga.”
And the answer by Doctor Bliss is, invariably, the same. It’s a bit of a relief. To have someone think she’s okay, that there’s not something absolutely wrong with her. Whether she believes it or not depends heavily on the day as well.
“I believe you’re very passionate. And that’s not a bad thing.”
Helga throws a dart and smirks when her aim proves true.
“Psh, that’s a nice way of putting it. Bet your patients love hearing that instead of being called wacko or cuckoo.” She mocks the patients she doesn’t even know. Guess that’s what makes it easier.
“Helga, that’s not nice. Those aren’t terms we should use; we’ve discussed that.” Doctor Bliss wants to say more, but she knows this will just give the girl the diversion she’s aiming to find, playing her own social darts game simultaneously. “But rest assured, you wouldn’t find yourself in those groups either.”
“Really?” And Helga really wants to believe, enough that her voice is too weak, too vulnerable with that single word.
“Yes, Helga.”
Somehow, Doctor Bliss has a talent for always making her feel better. To make the world feel a little less horrible.
Just like Arnold, she thinks sadly.
“There’s nothing wrong with being passionate. You just need to… spread it. To different areas in your life, and people. That way, you can share your love with many people.”
Not just Arnold, she means.
Doctor Bliss and her ideas... sure, Helga gets it… she does, really. Arnold is far away in another country, reachable only by letters and even if he wasn’t… They tried and it didn’t work out. How she wishes it did, though… it was her one and only chance at happiness and in love! No one could ever be Arnold. Seeing him every day would be an entirely different type of pain.
Doctor Bliss always disagrees. “There are many types of love in life. Even if you were with Arnold now,” She always makes it clear she’s cheering on for a future relationship and Helga appreciates it. “You’d still need other bonds in your life.”
Romantic love isn’t everything. Mentally, Helga knows that very well. But in her heart, it seemed quite impossible for her to understand that when they started their sessions.
Still, she trusts her therapist and decides to give it a try.
Pay less attention to him and give a little bit of that focus and energy to other people in your life. Things will be easier. Helga wishes it were that easy. As if she could snap her fingers and suddenly she was an a-okay girl, so very adjusted to life and society. Just like Olga. As she grew up, she started realizing many more things about her sister. Not just the very visible cracks and trying hard, but also the real pain behind her actions. And suddenly, it wasn’t so easy to hate her sister.
She’d been doing a little better, baby steps and all, as Dr. Bliss said. It’s easier to divert her attention to something that keeps her mind and body active: writing, painting, baseball, theater, there are so many interesting things to do! And being a teenager makes it that much easier to do it by choice, not depending on her parents anymore.
People are the difficult part.
No one can come close — has ever come close — to Arnold. There is just something about him that others don’t have. Sure, the boy is a saint (even when he lies, messes up and pranks her — he’s human… and a saint, to her) who might be lacking a little spine. But now she’s also aware (thanks to these sessions, ironically) that part of it was how they met. That sweet boy also came into her life at the exact right time.
He showed her care and kindness when no one else did, in one of the worst days of her life (though the list was quite long and the competition, tough). Her family couldn’t care less, and the other kids had always been like vipers, ready to pounce at the smallest sign of weakness. She couldn’t let herself be bitten, mocked, or humiliated by anyone. The little left of her ego was too fragile by then.
Arnold was the first person who noticed her. Who cared about her.
That was something irreplaceable.
He’d always be her first love — maybe only one.
But that was romantic love. And, lately, Helga understood other types of love were just as important.
Stopping her life just waiting for him to come back was silly. Of course, they kept in touch via letters (never enough, never) and she dearly awaited any phone calls when his parents were staying at a big village. Helga knew herself well: the day he’d be back, she’d spend sleepless nights, think about bailing on the day, and then go even so. She knew her love for Arnold would never end. If she were to consider marriage, it’d only be him.
But there are other things in life. 10 year old Helga Geraldine Pataki would dare to disagree, but her 16 year old self knew better.
Helga slowly started taking her shrines down, a year before Arnold moved away.
Piece by piece.
It was a very slow process, but the important part was that she started it. By her own volition.
Instead of talking to shrine Arnold, she started attempting a decent conversation with actual Arnold. Instead of collecting his used gum, she writes a short drabble of how lovely he was and keeps that as a memento of the moment. Plus, she doesn’t want any more insects gathering in her closet. That had been a whole conversation she didn't want to remember… guess at least there were some things Bob cared about. Like ‘what will the neighbors think’ instead of ‘how is my daughter doing mentally’.
Time does make things easier — but never fully heals them. That’s total bullshit, in Helga’s not humble opinion.
But it does make it easier to see other things, go to different places, and discover new parts of herself.
She still misses Arnold. While loving Arnold will never stop — as much as she wishes it would some days — it is very much a one-way relationship. Younger Helga thought that was enough; she could live with that, as long as he changed his mind eventually. It’s pretty embarrassing to read back to her mega dramatic poems of that time, but Helga keeps them. She keeps them all. They’re all part of herself, after all. And it’s also a good reality check for the bad days when it truly does feel hopeless when Arnold isn’t around.
And it’s a disservice to think that when she has a bunch of good people around her.
Phoebe, who is so loyal and sweet. How her best friend finds the infinite patience and wisdom to deal with her unending rants, peeves and emotional ups and downs, Helga has no idea. She kinda wishes Phoebe had a way to share even a hundredth of that talent of hers. Maybe then, Helga could pass for someone normal.
And truth be told, she was usually a pretty terrible friend to Phoebe. It was something she knew but never wanted to think of too much. Pheebs could handle anything. Except, she couldn’t. And it wasn’t fair of Helga to do that.
When doctor Bliss made her do an exercise of weighing down, as if a seesaw, what each brought to the friendship, it was… very telling. Visually, she could see how much Phoebe put in and how little Helga did. It was eye-opening. And embarrassing as all hell.
“Criminy, Phoebe! If I’m ever like that, tell me! Punch me, I don’t care! Just let me have it!” Was Helga’s immediate phone call after getting home from the session.
Phoebe also changed. Her childhood self would’ve pretended it was fine, brush everything under the rug and all that — but she was also trying to be better. And, with great delight, Helga heard her answer:
“Understood!” The soft but strong voice replied on the other end of the phone. “I’ll be sure to bring up the ‘cast’.”
“Perfecto.”
The ‘cast’ was their own code word for when one was going too far. Based on the honestly stupid stuff Helga pulled when they were still in fourth grade, though Phoebe assured her she’d also been pretty silly with it all. They agreed to let the matter rest, and ‘cast’ was born.
For all the world sucked, Helga counted herself pretty lucky to have such an amazing friend as Phoebe.
With time, more friendships came. Not actual new people or even new friendships, but bonds that deepened.
And if anyone had told young Helga who her closest friends would be as a teenager, one could expect a good old punch from Ol’ Betsy.
It was still pretty crazy to think she trusted her deepest secrets to Patty and Lila. In that order, even.
In general, Helga got along pretty well with her classmates nowadays, both boys and girls. She wasn’t running to tell Harold or Rhonda any secrets though, but they also changed a lot. Everyone did. Even Brainy was more bearable.
Dealing with Harold became easier since he was always tagging along with Patty. Now, how did that friendship start? Helga would never admit it, but after Arnold left, she was at the lowest she’d ever been. Patty caught her once crying, hiding (clearly not well enough) behind a trashcan. And thank god the big girl with the biggest heart gave her the time of day. Or more like, wouldn’t let her go until they talked it out.
Patty, too, turned out to be a pretty good friend, though neither of them admits they’re friends. Just sparing partners, they say to anyone too curious and annoying. They fight it out and like boxing. While they do practice fighting and join the same gym, they’re also fans of other more… sensitive activities. If anyone ever happens to see them wearing the pinkest dresses with the most delicate French lace and drinking an afternoon tea as proper ladies, well… no one would ever believe them anyway. And a few punches usually guaranteed silence. It’s lots of fun to have someone pretend to play all that silly girly stuff and not have it get too tiring. Patty gets exactly how far is far enough without needing words. That’s what makes them tick so well. Getting boy advice from her is also pretty invaluable, even if her experience is based on… Harold, of all boys. It’s still pretty good advice, Helga has to admit.
Lila, though… it’s still insane to think she, of all people in this green Earth, became her friend. Her very own childhood nemesis (one-sided though) and bane of her love existence (also one-sided). Once it was clear she had truly zero interest in Arnold and never would — the craziest thing Helga has ever heard but hey, the less competition the better — things became easier. Arnold finally giving up on her and dating Helga got all the bad blood out too (again, one-sided). Helga let herself just... Try. And talk to Lila.
And damn if that hadn’t been worth it. Shocking how spending time with little Miss Perfect wasn’t that annoying once she got past her mannerisms — and she realized how incredibly similar they are. While Helga built the role of the tough fighter girl, Lila did the exact opposite: she chose a nicer, more feminine and soft-spoken version of herself. An innocent version that hides how cunning she can be. And that’s a side only Helga gets to see and she quite likes it.
It took a long time for Lila to show off that side of hers. Helga wishes she could say it also took a long time for her to show her true colors to the red-head, but they knew Lila always knew what Helga was truly like. And it was so refreshing to be able to just talk about how difficult it was to put up a front. Patty was similar, but somehow, with Lila, she felt even more seen. Probably because they even hid parts of themselves from their own family.
Getting to see Lila’s cunning and very elaborate ploys was a treat in itself. To think the nicest girl in class was also the best prank partner she met. Strangely, they also shared views of romance and how difficult it was to date and let down those walls.
But one thing she’ll never understand is how Lila doesn’t see Arnold that way while still being head over heels for his weird cousin.
It happens simultaneously, then: getting along with Lila helps her understand and get along with Olga. Seeing past that mask of perfection and forced positivity really drains all the rage Helga felt over watching the two (who are so much more like sisters than Helga herself).
It’s not anything in particular they’ve done, even. Rather, it’s Helga who’s changed. She’s more observant now. Talks less, notices more. Tries to pick fewer fights. And she understands how both Miss Perfects are just as good actresses as she is. They just picked a different role — a more socially acceptable role for a girl, unlike Helga and Patty. Understanding Olga made things so much better between them.
And, eventually, it made her understand even Miriam. Her mother, who constantly disappointed and humiliated her throughout her life. It was still painful to see Miriam struggle to get through the day without a drink. But at least, she was trying. And her daughters were also trying to be by her side, offering some support. Olga does it much better, but she’s also not around as much.
Helga wonders if there’ll always be this distance with her mother. It’s taken her years of therapy, but she understands now part of what was lying underneath. Guilt. Guilt for the woman her mother could’ve been, and shown as her beeper queen side. Miriam had everything to really shine in life — just like Olga. She understands now the absolute panic she’d had when Olga wanted to quit school and get married. History repeating itself, indeed. At least, she wouldn’t have to worry about Helga. She was very much going to get her education to become the writer she knew she could become.
“Your mother made her own choices. And you do yours, Helga.” Doctor Bliss’s words always ring through her ears when she sees how unhappy Miriam is.
That guilt doesn’t make sense but it’s still very much there. They work through it in many sessions. Miriam would’ve been better off without them, and that’s a fact. She’d be much happier working and not having to deal with Bob for a husband or the reality of being a housewife, which just doesn’t fit her. It’s not the right life for Miriam. It’s difficult to reconcile that with the fact that her mother’s unhappiness has to do with her. Slowly, her self-pity turns into pity for Miriam. She doesn’t quite know how to get there, but she wants to help her mother.
And for the first time, Helga and Olga sit down and work on plans to help their family. No longer little schemes; they each come up without discussing with others and give up just as quickly. Now, the sisters started working together to try to better their life.
As for her father… Helga does try. He’s the most difficult one of all. The number one topic in the sessions with Doctor Bliss nowadays, even more discussed than Arnold. Maybe it’s because of how similar they are, but Helga has the hardest time with him. She understands him the best out of the family (always did) and when he’s good, their time together is genuinely the most fun. They get each other in a way unlike anyone else in the family. It could’ve meant she’d be his favorite — if his self-worth wasn’t that low. Bob has many problems and refuses to deal (or see) any of them for everyone’s frustrations.
“That’s his own issue to deal with, Helga. There’s only so much we can do for someone who doesn’t want to change.”
“Criminy, doc! I do all the work and Bob just gets to stay like that? Is that fair?!” Sometimes, Helga wants to scream.
“It’s not fair.” Doctor Bliss looks at Helga, zero bullshit, as always. “But we only change when we want to. In the end, he’s the one who’ll be left out.”
And her words turn prophetic.
Every time a letter from Arnold comes, she drops everything and gets straight to reading. His handwriting seems to be getting worse, even though he’s writing more than ever, according to him. Sometimes it seems like only the power of love helps Helga read whatever scribble he puts down on paper (but that feels pathetic, so she keeps it to herself).
He’s so happy to be with his parents again and his wanderlust is finally filled, always going to a new place. It’s telling how much he misses everyone. At the end of every single letter, he always asks how they’re doing. And sometimes it’s someone so random, Helga herself forgets (like Stoop Kid, who even remembers him?! Only Arnold…) and it’s so endearing, she swoons.
Arnold also very clearly asks how she’s doing since Helga tends to forget (or avoid) talking too much about herself. Not like he doesn’t do the same.
So it became a thing to ask right at the top how each of them is doing and then ask again at the end because they usually forgot, with all the pages they end up writing each other.
Helga always prays that no letter gets lost. But to the embarrassing ones, she sometimes wishes it did. She’s able to be more honest on paper than when they talk to each other via the phone. With the years, it almost feels like she’s writing in her own diary. Sometimes she forgets herself and even adds a little poem that comes to her mind.
Those were his absolute favorite letters, Arnold always told her. He saves every letter in a handmade basket he’s learned to make.
“I can’t wait to see you again.”
That ‘you’ is just for Helga. And after screaming and swooning a bit, she composes herself. Only to wax poetic again in her letters.
She also can’t wait to see him. But the wait seems infinitely more bearable now.
“Arnold won’t be coming back at the beginning of next year.”
Doctor Bliss nods. “How are you feeling about that?”
“Sad, obviously. Disappointed as hell. But surprisingly… the world isn’t ending.” Helga smiles at the doctor. Their internal joke makes them both laugh softly. The Helga who first met Doctor Bliss would’ve screamed and beaten stuff (and people) up until she could deal with everything she was feeling.
“Wonderful. What was the first thing you did when you heard it?” The good ol’ doctor knows her well.
“I told Arnold to go to hell.” This is the one place Helga can be honest and she’s long past caring. “But I know why. He has his own thing there and his parents do a lot of good. It sucks but I get it. We all do.”
Doctor Bliss nods.
“Any damaged property?”
“Nope!” with an emphasis on the ‘p’.
And that look of pride on the doctor’s face makes Helga herself feel proud. It honestly means more than her own parents’ opinion of her. She’s glad that doctor Bliss thinks she’s made progress.
“And what are your plans for the next months?”
Helga smiles excitedly and gets up, explaining all the things she’s scheduled with everyone. It’s a long list: checking some museum exhibitions with Phoebe; going to the zoo with Nadine, Rhonda and Harold because they insist on seeing the new animals, mainly bugs; her (secret) hang outs with Patty; taking Lila and Olga to see the latest play (a very tragic and violent one, because this is Helga’s time to pick); begrudgingly tagging along to the brand new jazz place that Gerald is taking everyone; plenty of basketball with the boys.
She also has carved up time for herself because dear god, she needs it. There’s a limit to how much socialization one can do and she’s been pushing herself. But her alone time to wax poetic, write, sing, dance, whatever by herself is very much needed. Without that, Helga can’t function. And it’s self-care to always include such times, as doctor Bliss taught her.
The holidays in particular still suck. Spending indoor time with her parents for long days without seeing friends is still a challenge. Policing her mother to not touch the liquor, having to stand her father, gorge himself on food, and only talk about himself is never easy. Olga still gets too much during the holidays, but they’re working on that. For her to take it easier and for Helga to help (and not run away).
It’s not perfect. Nothing really is. But it’s still better than spending the holidays by herself. And the hopeless dreamer in Helga hopes that one day the holidays will be the best part of the year. One where she gets to enjoy life with a healthy, loving family. Arnold is obviously in her fantasy because it is, again, a fantasy. She does hope it happens someday.
Who knows, maybe future adult Helga is super well adjusted and everything she ever dreamed of being. Maybe they’ll try again and this time it will work, once both of them are more mature.
She’s already come a long way. For once, the future isn’t bleak.
Helga still feels a lot. Everything can be a source of utter joy or depression. Anything can (and does) become a poem with her talent. There isn’t anything wrong with feeling so much — as long as pouring it out is done well, safely. It took her years, but Helga is getting there.
A single person to pour all her affection into is pretty unfair. There are some amazing people in her life and Helga owes them a lot. Arnold is still number one, but he has some competition now, which she always jokes about to him (to his surprisingly cute jealous replies, which she adores).
She owes it to herself and the people she cares about to share all that love. With more and more people making her list of favorite people and more and more poems written daily (with an increasing number of literature prizes that make up half their living room), Helga somehow finds that love never decreases.
The opposite proves true: the more love she indulges in and shares, the more she receives and feels.
And Helga has plenty to do — and plenty to pour her passion, love and ideas into. Life might be too short to do everything on her list. Just how she likes it. Gotta keep it challenging!