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It was another rainy afternoon in Golden Grove. School had already ended but Mama wasn’t home yet so Fernella had the house to herself, per usual. Rainy days have always made Fern even more gloomy than she normally would be. She was too tired to even play the piano, which almost never failed to cheer her up. Of course Qiu and Tamarack tried to get her to come to one of their houses but she just didn’t have the energy to be around anyone. Especially today, on top of the rain she also was supposed to do her presentation today, out loud. Normally Mrs. Murray was very understanding of the fact that Fernella does not speak, but Mama had asked the teacher to push Fern to speak a little more. It went horribly. No matter how hard Fern tried to force the words to come out they just wouldn’t. All she could do was just stand there, shaking from the nerves. Thankfully after what felt like forever, Tamarack came to Fern’s aid and read her report for her. It was humiliating. Mrs. Murray assured Fern that she wouldn't push her like that again and apologized. However that did not make Fernella feel any better. She didn't use to have any trouble speaking before, so why now? It’s not like Fernella wants to be like this. She wishes more than anything her voice would come back, but it’s like she left her voice behind when they moved. Fern hasn’t been able to say a single word since Mama told her they were moving. Anytime she tries to speak her throat gets tight, she feels like she can’t breathe and she starts to feel dizzy. Fern hates that she’s like this, she doesn’t understand why her words won’t work when she wants to speak so badly. It's not even like she enjoyed where they were living before, she didn't have friends or anyone she was close with. Before here she wouldn't let herself get attached to anyone because she knew that one day she would have to say goodbye. So why did moving cause her voice to stop working? It was so frustrating and confusing, and honestly a little scary. What if she has to spend the rest of her life like this? She can not keep living through gestures and writing things down when she needs to speak. What if Qiu and Tamarack get tired of her antics and stop calling her their friend? That would be more crushing than moving was.
Ding-dong!
Fernella had been balled up in the blue armchair, attempting to read but her thoughts had consumed her so much that she wouldn’t have noticed the doorbell if it hadn’t been continuously ringing. That could only mean one thing, Tamarack was at the door. As Fern crossed to answer the door she caught her reflection, she had tears running down her face. She hadn’t even realized she was crying. Quickly she dried her tears on the sleeves of her sweater before opening the door. Just as she had guessed, Tamarack was the one who had been ringing and Qiu was with her. As soon as they saw Fern their smiles faltered. She immediately noticed their concerned faces and smiled as big as she could manage and waved them in. Fern was getting good at putting on a smile, she did not want her mama or anyone else to worry about her. She didn’t think she was worthy to be even considered, so there was no way she’d let those who did care about her be sad because of her.
Tamarack and Qiu followed her to the living room, chatting about how their houses compared to hers. Fern nodded contentedly, even though she wasn’t up to hanging out, she couldn’t deny that their company was soothing. She wanted to make sure she played a proper hostess so after she settled her guests, she headed to the kitchen to get everyone some water. Her friends were loud enough that she could still listen to their conversations while she was pouring water and getting ice. Unfortunately Tamarack and Qiu must’ve thought she couldn’t hear them. Their conversation changed from being lighthearted to much more serious.
“Hey Tamarack,’ Qiu said, concern clear in his voice, “you noticed Fern had been crying too, right? Do you think we should ask her about it?”
“Hm, I don’t know,” Tamarack replied, her boots quietly tapping, “Fernella never speaks to us. Why do you think she won’t speak to us? We’re her friends aren’t we?”
Fern froze, a pit started to form in her stomach and tears started to sting at her eyes. After a few moments, Qiu finally spoke, “I think we’re friends. She’s never said so but she’s always so kind towards us. I think she’s just really sad about moving.”
They continued to talk about ways they could cheer Fern up, but she couldn’t hear them anymore. Not because they had gotten quieter, but because her own thoughts became too loud. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I speak anymore? I’m such a bother to everyone in my life. Maybe I should just disappear-her train of thought was interrupted by the shocking sensation of ice water soaking her socks. She hadn’t noticed that when she initially froze that she was in the middle of pouring water. The realization made her jerk, which unfortunately caused her to knock over the glasses with the pitcher she was holding. One of the glasses rolled off onto the counter with a shattering thud. Fern couldn’t take it anymore and collapsed onto the floor, not caring that there was broken glass all around her. Tears poured from her face as she stared at the floor, unmoving.
Qiu and Tamarack hear the commotion and came running into the kitchen to help. However they had not expected to see Fern tightly tucked into a little ball surrounded by water and broken glass. Her head was tucked into her knees and her arms were wrapped tightly around her legs, hugging them into her chest. She wasn’t making a sound, but they could tell she was crying from the way she was shaking. Qiu gestured to the paper towels, signaling Tamarack to grab them. He then went over to Fern and started carefully picking up the broken glass. Together he and Tamarack carefully and quietly cleaned up the mess, taking extra caution to not disturb Fern. Once they cleaned everything up, they wrapped her up into a hug. They sat like that for a long time, until Fern finally stopped trembling.
“Fernella, I’m sorry you’re sad,” Tamarack whispered gently, “but you shouldn’t be alone when you feel like this. You don’t have to pretend around us.”
“Tamarack’s right, we’re friends,” Qiu sniffled as her rubbed circles on Fern’s back, “I don’t know how you feel, but I still want to be there for you. We don’t care if you have to write stuff down to tell us, we like you the way you are.”
Her friends’ kind words were enough for Fern to find the strength to lift her head up and meet their eyes. Tears were still falling from her eyes, but they were no longer sad tears. A genuine smile formed on her face, and for the first time since she moved it was as if she could breathe again. Quietly and shakily, Fern found her voice, “T-Th-Thanks….f-for being m-my f-fr-f-friend. I-I’m s-s-sorry.”
Tamarack and Qiu both gasped and pulled Fernella back into a hug. “You have nothing to apologize for!” “This is what friends are for!”