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It was all his fault.
That’s all he could tell himself as he kneeled in the sand at eclipse. Everything that has happened has been because of him. There was no one else to blame.
Everything about him was wrong too. The extra finger on his hand, his eyebrows, even his thoughts. He knew it was all too human, too demon, for the Na’vi. Yet he stayed on Pandora. He kept his Avatar and let Eywa take his old body. And now his family was paying for that selfish price.
His kids all suffered from it, Neytiri suffered from it, even The People had suffered from it.
He had ripped Neytiri from her home, taken her away from the forest and her mother just to get away from the Sky People. Claimed it was to protect their family. And she believed him. His kids had believed him.
Clearly he was wrong. He had to bury his oldest son a few weeks ago and just blamed his other boy for it. He knew it was wrong, regretted the words the second they left his mouth. The look on Lo’ak’s face practically tore his heart open. He saw the look in his eyes, the one that told him Lo’ak believed those words. And how could a father do that to their own child?
He didn’t blame Lo’ak, didn’t blame anyone but himself. He knows this never would have happened if he didn’t come to this planet, if he had left with the other humans.
So there he knelt in the sand with a knife aimed for his stomach.
It wouldn’t be quick, he didn’t want that. Didn’t deserve it. It would be a quiet, painful, and long death. Bleeding out on the sand under eclipse.
He thought about his family, wondered slightly how they would react. He knew Neytiri would be broken but it would bring her peace eventually. She only knew grief with him and the Sky People. Tuk was still young, she wouldn’t understand and it hurt to leave her without a dad. But he knew he wasn’t good at it anyways. She’d grow up easier without him as her father anymore.
Then there was Lo’ak and Kiri. The two he worried about the most. They both took on so much for their young age, he could only hope this would help them. Lo’ak wouldn't have to deal with the pressure anymore. And Kiri, his baby girl, oh he hoped she would be able to move on from him.
He closed his eyes as he took in a slow breath, silently praying to Eywa that his family didn’t find him. The knife was heavy in his hands as he tightened his grip. He opened his eyes to look out at the scene before him. Pandora was always beautiful. Had always been so bright and full of life. He knew what he was doing was too human for this planet but it was the only way. So with one last breath he let the blade pierce his skin.
↞❀↠
Lo’ak huffed as he dragged the gun behind him.
His dad’s words still rang clear in his head. Only confirming what he already knew.
Now he walked alone with his father’s rifle in his hand. It felt heavy, just like everything else.
Lo’ak knew this was wrong, something he shouldn’t be doing. Going out like this meant he wouldn’t be with Eywa, she wouldn’t accept him. This was all the demon blood in him.
No Na’vi ever thought about taking their own life yet here he was, ready to end it all. He’d rather put a bullet through his skull than stick around to make things worse.
He thought about his family as he walked, hoping they would be okay. He prayed his mom wasn’t the one to find him, couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing him like that. He didn’t want the girls to find him either. Kiri would take it so hard and Tuk would be confused, she was still trying to understand losing Neteyam. He felt selfish knowing they’d be hurt at first but it would only bring them peace after.
He knew his dad would only be relieved, thankful to not deal with his burden of a son. Part of him hoped in a sick way that this would break him. That his dad would finally see him after he was gone.
So with tears threatening to fall from his eyes, he made it up the small hill towards the shore. Only to freeze at the sight of someone already there.
He carefully stepped closer, gun still in hand as he tried to figure out why someone was here so late.
His eyes widened once he recognized his dad’s hair, quickly taking in the sight of him kneeling and bent slightly.
Lo’ak stayed focused on his dad before glancing down at the gun. He could play it off, pretend like he was out here to try and practice. So he moved closer still, calling out to him hesitantly.
↞❀↠
Jake’s eyes widened at the sound, body immediately tensing. No one was supposed to find him yet, especially not Lo’ak.
He glanced down at the knife, having not pulled it out yet. He could see blood slowly spilling down his abdomen but had no way to hide it from Lo’ak. He cursed himself for being careless before responding. Keeping his back to the boy.
“Lo’ak? Shouldn’t you be inside, boy,” he huffed, voice coming out slightly strained.
Lo’ak flinched slightly at his voice, unsure if he was still mad or if by being here Lo’ak just made things worse. “I, uh, just wanted some air, sir.” The title slipped out of habit but he felt it was still appropriate.
“Don’t… just drop the ‘sir’ Lo’ak,” Jake sighed, shaking his head at the way his own son spoke to him. Neytiri was right, he really did treat them like soldiers.
“Okay,” was his only response. He stayed still as he looked over his dad, awkward silence sitting heavy in the air. Right as he was about to speak again, his dad broke it.
“Go home.”
And the tone he used only sent panic through him. A cold chill running down his spine. It felt familiar, in a way that nothing should. He only heard that tone before and it was when they were stuck in the SeaDragon. When his dad thought he was going to die and didn’t want Lo’ak to see it.
Without thinking, Lo'ak's feet were already crossing the short distance to get in front of his dad. His eyes only widened as he saw the hilt sticking out from his dad’s stomach.
“Dad..? What is, who did… why aren’t you getting help?!” Lo’ak shouted, dropping down into the sand to see his dad better. The look on his face only made him freeze.
Jake’s eyes were blank, something the young Na’vi had never seen from his father. “You should go,” was all he whispered, shaking his head at his son.
“But dad–”
“You weren’t supposed to see this. Please, son, just listen to me.” Jake pleaded softly with the boy, closing his eyes as he dropped his head. He rested his hand on the knife, waiting for Lo’ak to go back before pulling it out.
But Lo’ak refused to move, refused to let this happen just like he refused to let Jake drown.
“No! You aren’t doing this dad!” He cried as he looked around for anything to do, wanting to help his dad. Jake let out a sigh, opening his eyes but looking off to the side. He couldn’t look at Lo’ak yet, not when he was like this. He stopped as his eyes caught something in the sand, something metal.
“Lo’ak..?” Jake murmured, mind suddenly racing as he focused on the object.
The boy hadn’t noticed what his dad was staring off at, too busy trying to figure out how to fix his wound. “What?”
“Why is my gun out here?”
And suddenly Lo’ak froze too. His head whipped up, prepared to see anger in his dad’s eyes. The look he saw couldn’t have been farther from it.
Jake stared down at his boy, tears running down his cheeks as he tilted his head to the side. “Lo’ak..?”
“Dad…” He couldn’t even argue it like he planned, couldn’t deny what his father so clearly understood already.
Before he could even react, Jake had his arms around his son and pulled him into his chest. “Oh baby, my baby boy… You shouldn’t have to feel like that.”
Lo’ak had nothing to say, too shocked by the sudden turn of events and his dad’s reaction to even think. Jake just kept talking.
“What are you doing, boy? You’re too young to go through with something like this. Your mother can’t bury another child. We can get you help Lo’ak. Just stay in this life.”
And something about his dad’s words broke him. He pulled away quickly, eyebrows furrowed in anger as he looked at his dad. “Are you kidding me?!”
Jake blinked in shock, eyes wide as he looked at his boy. “Lo’ak, what are you–”
“What am I doing? What are you doing?!” He grabbed his dad’s shoulders as he yelled, anger fueled by fear as he tried to understand. “Do you realize how hypocritical you sound right now? You have a knife in you that is very clearly yours and you want me to leave.”
Jake only looked away as his son called him out, knowing he had a point. Lo’ak only rolled his eyes.
“You can yell at me later or whatever, you need help,” Lo’ak huffed as he stood up, trying to take his dad with him. Jake winced at the pull, feeling the knife shift in him as he followed.
“I won’t yell…” he muttered, suddenly feeling weak as he stood up. Lo’ak quickly wrapped his arm around him, panic setting back in at the sight of his dad.
“You shouldn’t be doing this, boy.” Jake groaned as he leaned against his son, having never expected the night to go like this. Instinctively, he reached for the knife. His mind was still yelling at him to pull, that he had to go through with it. Now or never.
You made the right choice so just finish the job. You were almost there anyway.
Your own son wants to kill himself because of you. You don’t deserve to live. You don’t deserve his help.
Lo’ak kept his eyes forward, focused on helping his dad back to the village. He knew he had to find Ronal. Get to Tsahik and he will be fine.
What he didn’t notice though was how Jake had managed to grab the knife and slowly pull it out. He dropped it in the sand, trying to be as quiet as possible to not alert Lo’ak to the blood now quickly spilling from the hole.
Unfortunately for Jake, Lo’ak chose that moment to look and check on him. “Dad!” His eyes went wide as he saw the knife missing, only just now getting to the edge of the village.
“It’s the only way Lo’ak… you’ll all be safer without me,” Jake whispered, face already going pale from the mix of pain and blood loss.
“No! No, dad I still need you. We all still need you!” Lo’ak was crying again, moving to put pressure on the wound while trying to keep him up.
“I only hurt you… but I See you. My beautiful boy.” Jake was only growing weaker, smiling softly despite the situation.
“Help! Please, somebody help!” Lo’ak called out, voice cracking as he walked over the woven pathway, desperate for someone to hear him. Luckily it wasn’t too late into eclipse and some villagers looked out of their Marui. The scene seemed to stun everyone: the great Toruk Makto bleeding as his son tried to hold him. A few men rushed forward, grabbing Jake as he went unconscious.
They easily held him up, dragging him to where Ronal was. Lo’ak ran with them, grateful for the help as he continued to shout. “Tsahik, please! I need help!”
Ronal and Tonowari both looked out from their home at the commotion, freezing at the sight of Jake and Lo’ak. Ronal quickly turned back inside to gather supplies while Tonowari moved to grab Jake from the villagers.
Lo’ak followed them into the hut, tail nervously swaying behind him as he looked over his dad. Tonowari placed Jake on the floor gently, putting pressure on the wound while his wife set up her tools.
The boy only dropped to his knees at the sight, eyes wide as his pulse raced. He glanced down to see his hands stained red, the sight making him sick. He now had his brother’s and father’s blood on his hands. Tears blurred his vision as his chest grew tighter, breathing suddenly becoming difficult.
Tonowari had pulled away as Ronal began working, looking over at the boy with concern. He moved to be next to the boy, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “It’s okay Lo’ak. Just breathe with me.” He spoke softly, taking slow breaths to urge the young Na’vi to follow.
Lo’ak slowly followed his lead, body starting to calm down as he looked up at the Olo’eyktan. He cried silently, fear clear in his eyes. Tonowari only shook his head, feeling bad for the small boy.
The tense silence was only broken by a sharp cry coming from outside, footsteps moving fast through the village. Lo’ak’s ears tilted back, head quickly whipping back towards the entrance at the sound.
“MaJake!”
Of course someone had gone to tell Neytiri. Someone had woken up his poor mother to let her know her mate was dying.
Neytiri burst in, eyes wide with her own panic as she scanned the small area. Her breath caught as she found Jake laying on the floor, Ronal pressing down on his stomach as she wrapped the wound.
“Mom…” Lo’ak whispered, looking up at her from his own spot on the floor.
Neytiri’s head snapped to him, quickly moving to kneel beside him. She grabbed his arms, moving him around to check for any injuries. “Are you okay? What happened to you two?”
“I’m fine mom… it was only dad,” Lo’ak sighed, shaking his head at her. Tonowari pulled back to give the family some space, watching as Neytiri pulled the boy into her arms.
“Oh Great Mother…” was all she could say, praying softly for them both as she buried her face in Lo’ak’s braids. He took the comfort, clinging to her as well as he cried.
The two stayed close to each other, Neytiri occasionally glancing up to see what Ronal was doing. She was leaning over him slightly while whispering words of prayer, eyes closed with both hands pressed over Jake’s stomach.
Lo’ak kept his face pressed into his mother’s chest, too scared to check on his dad. And it felt like hours since he arrived before Ronal spoke to them.
“He is stable,” she sighed, pulling away from him to look at Neytiri. “He most likely won’t wake up until late tomorrow. I will stop by to replace his bandages and check on the healing.”
Neytiri nodded as she watched Ronal pack up her supplies and begin to clean the area of Jake’s blood.
“Thank you, Tsahik.” Her voice was small as she stood up, still holding her boy close as he followed her.
“I’ll bring him back,” Tonowari offered, giving Neytiri a sympathetic look as he carefully lifted Jake into his arms.
Again Neytiri only nodded before turning to lead the way. Her arm stayed around Lo’ak’s shoulder, wanting to keep him close as they moved through the village to their Marui. Tonowari stayed silent, laying Jake down in his hammock as Neytiri instructed. He left with a small bow, knowing it’d be better to let them be.
Lo’ak pulled away from his mom as they were left alone, only moving to sit in his hammock. His mind was still reeling with the events, not sure if he could believe it.
Neytiri looked over at Jake for a moment before heading towards her son again. Silently she sat down in the boy’s space, watching him carefully.
“I’m scared Mom…” was all he whispered, turning to face her properly. She gently opened her arms for him, giving him the option to come close.
Lo’ak quickly shuffled closer, curling up in her lap like he would when he was younger. Neytiri held him gently yet still firm, wanting her baby to know he was okay with her. They sat in silence once again before he started to speak.
“Mom… I’m going to talk. And I just want you to listen for a bit.” His voice was low, hesitation clear as he tried to stay strong.
“I will listen,” she whispered back to him, pressing a gentle kiss to his hair as she waited.
Lo’ak took a deep breath, bracing himself before letting it all out. “Dad tried to kill himself. That’s why he was bleeding. He used his knife. And we wouldn’t have gotten to him until morning if I wasn’t out there. But I went out there for the same reason.”
Lo’ak paused, waiting for his mother to cry or yell at him. But to his surprise she stayed quiet, the only indication that she heard him was the small hitch in her breath. Her hands still held him, gently rubbing over his back and holding his head close to her.
“I just feel so lost. Like I never fit in anywhere we go. And any time I try to do something I think is right, I just make things worse. I feel like dad just hates me even more now since Neteyam… I hate me more now. It felt like the only way out, the only way to stop the pain.
“And then I saw him. With that knife in his stomach, a blank look in his eyes, and I realized I can’t do it.” His voice was shaky as he spoke into the night air, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks as he tried to stay calm. “I realized I don’t want to lose him like that and you guys shouldn’t lose me like that either.”
Neytiri only held him tighter, her own tears staining her cheeks as she looked at her baby boy.
“You are special, Lo’ak. Something I would never trade,” she spoke quietly into his braids, letting him hear her now. “You are so much like your father, and that scares him. I think you two should talk more once he wakes up. But I’m forever grateful to still have my troublemakers.”
And for the first time in a while Lo’ak actually felt loved. He pulled his head back just enough to see her smiling down at him. The name didn’t feel like an insult anymore, it was lighter and more fond coming out of her mouth.
Slowly they untangled themselves, Neytiri pressing one more kiss to his forehead before walking across the place to join Jake in their hammock. Lo’ak rolled over in his own, mind finally going quiet as he closed his eyes to sleep.
↞❀↠
Jake woke with a groan, feeling a dull ache in his abdomen. He tried sitting up before hands were pushing his shoulders back down. He blinked his eyes open, taking a moment to adjust to the light before focusing on Neytiri above him.
“Baby?” and boy did he sound rough. His throat was scratchy, mostly from not being used while he slept.
“You must rest MaJake,” Neytiri sighed, shaking her head at him. He could see the worry in her eyes mixed with fear she tried so hard to hide from him.
“Hey… come here,” he whispered, hand grabbing her waist lightly to pull her towards him. She went easily, sitting on the hammock beside him.
“Talk to me… please Jake.”
He hated seeing her like this, broken and pleading with him to open up. With a deep breath he reached up to cup her face, making sure she was looking at him.
“I’m sorry baby. I thought it would be the best thing for our family. The best way to protect you guys.” He kept voice low, hating how he had to now discuss this with his wife.
“Jake… that wouldn’t help. Our kids still need you. I still need you.” She shook her head lightly, hands coming up to hold his still on her face.
“None of this would be happening if not for me. You’d be happy back in the forest, with your People. Our kids wouldn’t know hurt and war this closely.”
“Our kids wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. I See you, Jake. I don’t regret choosing you. So please stay.” Neytiri was crying again, not wanting to think about losing her husband. Especially not like this.
“You’re in pain because of me. Our boy is gone because of me. Our other son is hurting because of me,” Jake huffed, gently wiping her tears away. “It seemed like the only way to make you happy again.”
Her ears pinned back, eyes only filling with more pain and he wished he could just take it all away.
“MaJake… I am happy with you. Just as you are.” She smiled softly despite the emotion, leaning forward so their foreheads touched. Jake took in a shaky breath, smiling with her as he shifted his hand to hold the back of her head.
“I’m staying. I’ll fight for you and our kids.”
They stayed close for a moment, both just taking in the feel of the other before Neytiri pulled back.
“Kiri took Tuk out to swim around so they won’t be back for a while. I’ll make you something to eat.” Neytiri kissed his forehead much like she’d done with Lo’ak the night before and helped him slowly sit up.
Jake groaned as he moved in the hammock, eyes flicking down to the bandages covering him.
“These are tight,” he murmured, wincing as poked at them. Neytiri let out a small hiss before hitting his hand.
“Don’t touch. You may be stupid but not that stupid,” she huffed, shaking her head as she turned around to prepare food.
It wasn’t long after that when Lo’ak appeared, walking in and spotting his mom first. “Uh, Tsireya said her mom would be by soon to check on dad.”
Jake looked up at the sound of his son’s voice, the movement catching Lo’ak’s attention as he turned his head. Neytiri only hummed in response to Lo’ak, focusing more on the food now.
Slowly, Lo’ak made his way over to his dad as Jake shifted to give his son room on the hammock. The boy took the seat, letting the silence hang between them for a moment before speaking up.
“I’m sorry dad,” was all he whispered and it broke Jake’s heart. He quickly wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him close despite his body yelling at him from the sudden movement. Lo’ak let himself be pulled, eyes going closed as he listened to his dad’s heartbeat.
“You have nothing to apologize for, boy. I put so much pressure on you. And I know there’s no excuse but it was because I was scared. Scared I’d lose you to something stupid like all the things I used to do.” Jake spoke softly, one hand cradling his boy’s head as he rested his chin on top.
“You’re perfect, Lo’ak. Beautiful inside and out. I wish I could take back everything I said but I can’t. I hurt you and I hate myself for that. I only pushed my pain onto you and I couldn’t see it. Couldn’t see how you were following me down the same path. All I ask is that you give me one more chance to fix everything.”
Lo’ak stayed silent for a moment before responding, telling his dad the same thing he told his mom.
“Seeing you like that made me realize I don’t wanna die. Not yet,” he sighed, pressing his face further into his dad’s chest. “I want to be here. With you. With mom, and Kiri, and Tuk. I want you here with us.”
Jake only smiled down at his son, carefully lifting his chin so he could see his face. “You are strong. But you don’t have to be strong alone. What do Sullys do?”
Lo’ak let out a small laugh, shaking his head fondly at his dad. “They stick together.”
“So we’ll stick together,” he laughed back, immediately regretting it as the pain kicked up. “Go help your mother or something. Be a kid again.”
Lo’ak gave his dad a small look of concern as he noticed him tense up. He stood slowly from the hammock, feeling at ease again as he walked over to his mom who was smiling at their interaction.
And if when Ronal showed up she noticed how light the family seemed she wouldn’t say anything. They deserved to enjoy it by themselves for now.