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INTRODUCTION
If you’re picking up this pamphlet, congratulations! You’ve been adopted into both the vigilante Batfamily and the civilian Wayne family. We are so insanely happy to have you here, and we want you to know that we will love and cherish you for life.
We understand that this may all seem incredibly scary, unpredictable, and strange at first. You may, at this moment, be thinking any of the following:
- “This is too good to be true. There’s got to be a catch in here somewhere.”
- “This has be a front for trafficking or experimentation or something equally nasty.”
- “They don’t really want me. They just want to keep me from blabbing what I know, or at the most want to use me for my skills.”
- “I have to prove my worthiness/usefulness or they’ll abandon me again first chance they get.”
- “What in the bleepin’ bleep bleep is going on??!!!”
Don’t worry; this is all completely normal. We want to assure you that there is no catch, this is not a front, we want you for you and not your skills, and we will never abandon you. (Good luck getting rid of us, actually). You may not believe us at first, but that’s okay. We will keep on reassuring you until you do.
You may, at first, want to sleep with a knife under your pillow and a stash of food in your closet. If this is the case, no problem! Sleeping with a knife under your pillow is not only allowed but encouraged. If you don’t have a knife of your own, we will provide you with one. As time goes on and you develop your own signature fighting style, you may want to begin sleeping with your own weapon of choice as well (escrima sticks, handgun, bo staff, swords, etc.)
Now that you’ve had a chance to adjust to the fact that you are now irrevocably a Wayne, it’s time to meet the family.
MEET THE FAMILY
Bruce Wayne/Batman: Hn.*
*Refer to Subsection III—“Brucespeak: How to Interpret the Grunts” for translation.
Dick Grayson-Wayne/Nightwing: Hi, I’m Dick, your new big brother! I’m the first Robin and the oldest sibling. I live and work in Bludhaven most of the time, but I’m always available to come hang out with my kid siblings! I love to make puns and crack hilarious (yes, Jason, hilarious, you have no appreciation for good humor) jokes, and will do my best to smother you in hugs. I’m the firmest adherent to Batman’s No Killing code, but please know that if anyone tries to hurt you I will personally track them down and rip them limb from limb. 😊
Jason Todd-Wayne/Red Hood: Yo. I’m Jason, third eldest and Robin number two (but who’s counting?). I’m the only one Alfred hasn’t banned from the kitchen, and while I will make sure you eat your vegetables and have a properly balanced diet, I am also down with helping you snitch cookies from the jar at 2 a. m. I’ll teach you how to ride a motorcycle, shoot a gun, and appreciate proper literature, and also how to look totally badass while doing all three. In the name of older brother privileges I reserve the right to nickname you with any and all possible permutations of your name. I’m the Batfamily’s resident antihero and crime lord, and I only kill the people who deserve it. The list of “people who deserve it” now includes anyone who tries to hurt, kidnap, kill, and/or maim you. You’re welcome.
Tim Drake-Wayne/Red Robin: Hello, I’m Tim Drake! I was Robin III but now I go by Red Robin (which, no matter what anyone says—stop looking at me like that, Jason—is completely different). My full name is Timothy but please call me Tim. I’m the CEO of Drake Industries and also help run Wayne Enterprises. Please don’t be appalled by my sleep schedule; it was irrevocably screwed years ago, and trying to fix it now is a lost cause that will only bring you frustration and despair. If you ever need help with a case, want to perfect your sarcasm, or need some black-market espresso (Alfred’s banned it but I have my ways), I’m your guy. Also? You belong here now. Trust me. Take it from one who knows—doubt is a liar and wants nothing more than to screw you over. Don’t let it.
Cassandra Cain-Wayne/Black Bat: Hello, I’m Cass, your new sister! I mostly communicate through ASL. I love ballet and muffins and the way snow sparkles on sunny winter mornings. More than that, I love my family. I will always have your back. You are not alone, not anymore.
Duke Thomas/The Signal: Hey, I’m Duke! Until you came along, I was the newest member of the Batfamily. Don’t worry; we’re crazy, but it’s a good kind of crazy. I’m the only meta in the family, and have the ability to manipulate light. I’m also the only daytime vigilante—and lemme tell ya, balancing that with being a sophomore in high school is an experience. And I just wanna say—whatever your life was like before, you’re in a good place now. And I’m ever so glad to have you here.
Damian Al Ghul-Wayne/Robin: Greetings, new sibling. My name is Damian Wayne. I am the only blood son and heir to the Demon and the Bat. I currently bear the mantle of Robin, and do so with honor. I am the youngest member of the family and unfortunately, due to the cursed legal requirements of this country, am currently attending school. My hobbies are drawing, taking care of animals, and stabbing things. I will hunt down any threats to your wellbeing with extreme prejudice.
Alfred Pennyworth/THE OMNIPOTENT ONE: Good day, young Master or Mistress. May I offer you my heartiest welcome into the Batfamily. The transition will not be without its struggles and challenges, but we will be with you every step of the way. I am the grandfather of every child in this family, which now includes you. There will always be a place for you in my heart.
Stephanie Brown/Spoiler: Wassssssuuuuuup. I’m Stephanie Brown, but you can call me Steph. I’m not an official member of the Wayne family BUT I’ve run with the Bats for so long I’m basically a surrogate sister at this point. I used to be Batgirl but I go by Spoiler now. (Because I spoil villain’s plans. Get it? Yeah, I thought so.) I’ll ply you with waffles and help you prank Batman no matter the day or the hour. You want glitterbombs? I got ‘em—just say the word and I’ll rain down sparkles like a blizzard in Antartica. Glad to have you along for the ride; now buckle up and get ready, cuz it’s one heck of a roller coaster. But also don’t worry! I’ll be there for every up and down, screaming right along with you.
Barbara Gordon/Oracle: Hiya, nice to meet you! My name’s Barbara Gordon—commish’s kid, former Batgirl, current head of the Bat’s tech and information network. I’m not actually related to the Waynes either, but I was the first Batgirl and I’ve known the family since Dick was still in shorts and Bruce was still in denial about the whole “I work alone” thing. (He would still be in denial about that, except it’s kiiiinda hard to say “you work alone” with your 7+ kids/ vigilante partners hanging onto your cape. Wiggle your way out of that, Bruce.) I like coffee, the color green, and teaching my little siblings everything they could possibly need to know about computers and coding. I’m the de facto big sister of the family and while I’m not afraid to call you out when I think you’re being stupid, I will also ruthlessly check up on you and make sure that you’re doing okay. Which. If you’re not, please tell me, I will absolutely make time to talk to you. From here on out, you are always going to be my first priority.
Congratulations! You have now been introduced to your new family.
…Mostly. (We’ll get into Aunt Diana and Uncle Clark later. )
Now that you’ve met the family, we would like to take a moment to consider the question of therapy.
As the circumstances leading you to pick up this pamphlet undoubtedly involved a lot of trauma and emotional scarring, it is a given that you will need therapy. Ultimately, the question of going to therapy is nonnegotiable (and no, Jason, fighting Harley Quinn is NOT “basically the same thing”).
It sucks, we know. We all hate therapy—well maybe except for Dick, but he’s weird. The only consolation is that Bruce hates it even more than we do, and watching him sulk is hilarious. He can’t get out of going because a) Alfred put his foot down, and b) Insisting on having us go to therapy and then not going himself reaches new levels of hypocrisy.
(And this is us talking. Us. The if-I-ever-got-eight-hours-of-decent-sleep-in-my-life-it-was-either-a-goshdarned-miracle-or-a-mistake-that-I-have-no-intention-of-repeating-but-also-have-the-nerve-to-tell-you-to-cut-down-on-the-coffee-and-go-to-bed family. We run on fumes of hypocrisy, stubborn denial, and sheer willpower. It is our life’s goal to play 5D chess with Mother Nature and win. Sleep? Don’t make us laugh. Death? Hah! We cheat it like con artists, and arise from the ashes, phoenixes of flame and vengeance, strengthened by trials and unholy amounts of caffeine, a light in the perennial darkness of—
Please excuse us. This pamphlet is a co-authored endeavor, and sometimes one or more of our authors tend to get a little too excited. It’s past their bedtime, anyway.)
A few more things it is important to note before we continue:
- Alfred sees all, knows all, does all. Do not try to hide anything from him. Be it emotional trauma or forbidden snacks, he will find it. Respect the Alfred. He is the real power in the manor.
- This should not happen for a while, but in case you do happen to run into any of Batman’s friends/colleagues, they will mostly likely greet you with some variation of “oh sweet mercy, it’s another one. Are you new?” In this case, please please please reply something along the lines of “What do you mean? I’ve been around for forever.” The Justice League can never keep track of how many of us there are, and we love pulling their legs. (Remind us to tell you about the rumor that we multiply like gremlins when Batman feeds us coffee after midnight. It’s the best thing ever. )
Now that we’ve established the basics, it’s time to move on. This pamphlet covers topics including but not limited to:
—Alfred’s Cookies
—Batman’s One Rule
—Brucespeak: How to Interpret the Grunts
—Chandeliers
—Discowing (stop gagging Jason, it’s not that bad)
—Emotional Constipation
—Food Stashes
—Paranoia
—Pranking Batman (feat. The Glitter Bomb Incident)
—Safehouses
—Self-Care: A Study in Hypocrisy
—Superhero Friends/Teams
—Swear Jars
—The Joker
—The Justice League
—Tim’s Coffee
—Tim’s Spleen
—Tim’s Stalking Photography
—Training
—Trauma Triggers
—Vigilante Names (Don’t let Dick pressure you into choosing Flamebird, he’s been trying to get someone to take it forever)
There’s a lot to cover, so we’d best get started.
Oh, and one last thing.
Once you decide you want in, you’re in. No take backsies and no returns. Being part of the Batfamily is forever. And we feel the need to specify that if you ever time travel you are most certainly, absolutely NOT allowed to erase yourself from the family on the grounds that “it’s better for everyone else.”
(YOU HEAR THAT, TIM??? HUH??? WE LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT, NOW GET BACK HERE SO WE CAN TRAP YOU WITH HUGS!!!)
You can leave our home but never our hearts. And if you leave, Dick will make sad puppy dog eyes at you, Tim will stalk you, Cass will stalk you (but more elegantly), Jason and Damian will lovingly kidnap you, Babs will hack your computer and leave tactful but poignant messages on your desktop, Steph will do some outrageous gesture of familial love that will somehow involve glitter, and Alfred will make cookies and invite you to tea, because his cookies are our one weakness and he knows it. It’s anyone’s guess what Bruce will do, but spy satellites and brooding will probably be involved.
You are ours now. And we are yours.