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The first time is always an anomaly.
Endmin never fails to tell himself this.
So when they chanced upon the ashen-haired man at Jingyu Valley, mysterious and so terrifyingly affable, Endmin thought nothing of it. It is merely an anomaly. A happenstance. A first meeting. Nothing more, nothing less.
Merely a chance encounter with a Yanese-incompetent traveller.
Because an anomaly, however undesired, is not uncommon.
Also, he’s hot. So he gets a free pass.
It’s really not that hard to notice his good looks because Endmin is not blind. It’s rather obvious that the man possessed a rogue boyish charm. Most likely the type who is used to getting things his way with a wink and carefully selected words. He also looks like someone that Endmin had never met before.
Yet the man looked at Endmin with eyes that said otherwise. His gaze, heavy and loaded with unspoken words, lands once again on Endmin.
Times like this, Endmin is thankful for his mask.
“Ardashir is my name. As you can see -”
The air crackles slightly, his ear buzzes. The rest of Ardashir’s introduction gets lost in the static.
A smile, a man, sunlight treading through silver locks.
A long lost memory. Vanishing as quickly as it appears. Leaving behind a trace of bittersweet longing.
He opens his eyes and realises that he is on the raft heading to Stragglers Grove. The ache in his heart reminds him that he is in the present. Perlica and Chen look at him but say nothing. So he swallows down his words and steadies his heart. Tells himself not to dwell on it.
He pays no mind to the mention of Sargonia, shrugs off the way his pulse flutters when they keep bumping into Ardashir in the grove. Ignores the blurry images that periodically flashed across his mind as they walked through the grove. Confusing and suspicious as the whole situation and the man may be, Endmin convinced himself that right now he has other more important things to worry about.
Like how the hell was he supposed to get out of this damn grove.
So instead of questioning the charming man standing by his side, he allows himself to be questioned.
“-do you approve of your endeavour?”
“Of course I do,” he says instead of have I met you somewhere before?
Endmin lets himself be held captive by azure orbs so dangerously bright, bewitched by a devastatingly calm voice that speaks his name. The wistful way that it rolls off his tongue. Sultry waves of nostalgia crash over Endmin as Ardashir’s words pull him under.
“We had a delightful talk. Thank you Endmin.”
It’s suffocating yet strangely comforting, his water-logged words fail to breach the surface.
He blinks. Finally remembers how to breathe. Everything comes back into focus. He is in a clearing, there are enemies surrounding them, the girls are bracing themselves for battle.
Blinks again.
And without warning he remembers the feeling of falling in love.
Dizzying, exhilarating. Knocks him off the axis of the universe.
He winces slightly. The enemies advance and he pushes the thought out of his head.
By the time they finally reached their base in Wuling City, Endmin had all but forgotten about the peculiar encounter with Ardashir. The cryptic conversation long dusted off his wearied shoulders with a flick of his finger. The residue heat left by Ardashir’s gaze now replaced by a chilly splash of water as Endmin washes off traces of sweat, grime and some other substances that are best left unidentified.
His stomach growls as he sits down between Perlica and Chen. Perlica offers him a piece of flatbread, gestures towards the meat stir-fry on the table. He accepts with a nod.
“So-,” Chen starts, stares at Endmin expectantly, “-that Ardashir guy. Other than just being the enemy, there’s something else that is off about him, don’t you think?”
That unsettling feeling returns. Not entirely unwelcome but certainly uninvited. Leisurely in its movement, snaking out from his heart before wrapping itself around his neck. He clears his throat. “!- I don’t know. I mean.. Uh… We just met so I really can’t say.”
The words feel heavy on his tongue. He nibbles on the flatbread, it does nothing to rid the bitterness in his mouth.
“Well, I think Nefarith seems less dangerous compared to him. And that’s saying a lot.” She puffs out her cheeks, looking very much still annoyed at the predicament that they found themselves to be in at the Grove.
She leans over him, says something to Perlica. Not a single word registers as his mind wanders.
A kiss, a whisper of his name, warm hands cupping his cheeks.
The pressure in his chest surges, a force so intense that he can’t stop himself from letting out a gasp.
The girls both turn to stare at him, confused and concerned. He bites back a grimace, plastering a smile on his face. “Sorry, I’m just a bit tired,” he says, “It has been a long day.”
It’s not completely a lie.
That’s why it was easy for the girls to go back to their conversation, ignoring him once more. Just like the way he ignores the gaping hole in his heart and the sensation of falling. An all-too familiar feeling. As if he was merely re-enacting a snippet from his past once more.
Can you fall in love with the same person twice? Perlica had asked Chen as they were getting ready to head out. Errands to run and whatnot. It was just one of the usual girl talks that Endmin had the privy of overhearing.
He rolls his eyes as they continue the conversation amongst themselves, giggling at Endmin's attempt to get them to hurry up. No doubt also uninterested in Endmin’s thoughts on this matter.
Somehow he feels like he is able to answer that question.
Amidst the million thoughts swirling in his mind, like tiny puzzle pieces scattering around aimlessly, there lies the answer that he is looking for. If only he took the time to gather them and put the pieces together. Tedious work but it's stupidly simple, really.
Predictably Endmin chooses not to.
Instead he continues to allow himself to think that if the first time is an anomaly, then the second time is a coincidence. A chance meeting.
He is leaning against the wall, choosing to wallow in solitude while the girls go about their day in Wuling City, when he caught a glimpse of silver from the corner of his eyes. Granted, Wuling City is inhabited by many, bustling with life. A hair colour as common as that can be found everywhere. But there was no mistaking that shade of grey and those blue eyes sharpened by time, looking at him in such a way that is reserved only for him.
Even from a distance, he can see the smile on Ardashir’s face widen into a grin. The warmth in his eyes is pure adoration, utterly unguarded. And something blooms in Endmin, brilliant and resolute, and he wants to stay like this forever.
It terrifies him.
It is screaming out to him that this is not a coincidence. That the man walking towards him is much more than just someone he met three days ago.
He closes his eyes as a bubbling mix of panic and confusion rises up. The harder he tries to focus the more it hurts. He is forgetting something. Someone.
A name, a familiar face, loving and being loved in return.
It’s like deja vu. It’s too much all at once.
A gentle touch on his shoulder startles him. He opens his eyes to see Ardashir’s hand resting gently on his shoulder, looking at him like he is the only person in the universe.
“You don’t look well.”
A voice that takes him back to his past. He stares wordlessly at Ardashir for a moment, the words sitting precariously on the tip of his tongue.
“Endmin?”
The way Ardashir says his name, the way he tilts his head, the worried expression -
“Do I know you?” Endmin blurts out in a rush.
Ardashir looks at him, amused. “Seems like you’ve already forgotten that we met a few days ago in Jingyu Valley.” A hand to his chest in mock indignation. “It saddens me to think you don’t remember our delightful talk, or that I failed to leave even an impression after such an interesting confrontation.”
“No-,” he forces out, staring at the ground. The weight of Ardashir's gaze is too heavy to bear. He is unsure exactly what he wants to ask. “I- what I meant… Even before Jingyu Valley, have we met -”
He doesn’t get to articulate further, because Ardashir completes his sentence for him by shushing him with a finger on his lips. A fleeting touch that has no reason to be that gentle.
“Let’s continue this conversation another day.”
He looks up at Ardashir, looks into eyes so sparkling and unbelievably soft. Endmin nods helplessly, heat rushing up to his cheek. Heart stuttering in his chest.
And with a wink, Ardashir takes a step back and vanishes.
“We are back!” He hears Chen’s voice come crashing in from a distance.
That night, Endmin dreams of a man. Standing alone in the middle of a sprawling field dotted with flowers. His back towards Endmin. Tall and completely at ease and lethal with every movement.
Endmin knows him but at the same time Endmin doesn’t know him.
A laugh, a gentle touch, fingers intertwining together.
It’s confusing. It feels like he is home. It’s -
What is he trying to remember? Why doesn’t he remember?
His breathing comes out shaky as that feeling of falling comes back again. He closes his eyes, tells himself that once he opens them again everything will be fine.
A hand wraps around his waist. Steady and warm and safe. He clings to this feeling, now unafraid of falling. Allows himself to sink into the embrace.
And when he finally opens his eyes he is greeted by the cracked white paint of his ceiling.
Well fuck, he thinks. That, whatever that was, strangely felt like his first love.
And once more, he - unsurprisingly, stubbornly, uselessly - does not dwell on it and fucking goes back to sleep.
The third time, Endmin finally understood that the universe is trying to tell him something. Third time's a charm because he is one step closer to figuring out the answer to the innocuous question that Perlica had asked on a whim.
The very question that should make no sense yet seemed to strike the core of his being and haunt his dreams.
The same question that made him feel like he is going insane.
During times like this, to escape the cascade of thoughts barrelling into his skull, he goes on his impromptu late night walks. His precious alone time to destress, stretch his legs, clear his mind. After all, even without Ardashir appearing in his dreams, day in day out fighting creatures, traversing terrains and factory management can be quite draining.
So when he sensed a presence in his vicinity, eyes on his back, his first thought was to quickly deal with the unwanted company. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. He is used to this sort of situation. Sometimes he lured them, loud and brazen in his approach. Other times he stayed unmoving, lying in wait until they made the first move.
But this time, something doesn’t sit right with him. There is an obvious lack of hostility yet the air felt oppressive, rigid around him. As if straining under intense pressure. He shivers slightly.
For once he is at a loss. So he does what he does best - he walks away. Pretends that the ache in his heart did not make a sudden return. He makes his way back to where he came from, sidesteps a large boulder and -
He draws his sword as Aradshir steps out from behind a tree, stopping right in front of him.
“Pleasure meeting you here,” comes the breezy greeting, accompanied by a smirk that has no right to be so devastatingly smug under the current circumstance. Ardashir looks completely unfazed by the fact that he is one wrong move away from losing his ability to speak.
“What the fuck?” Endmin responds, so very eloquently.
Ardashir does not even bother to try to hide the bemused look on his face. He also does not try to hide the teasing lilt in his voice. “Shall I take that to mean that you are glad to see me as well?”
“Take that however you wish.” Endmin did not come here to play mind games with Ardashir. His mind was already fighting a battle by itself just fine, thank you very much. A frustrated groan as he lowers his blade. “I could have killed you, you know.”
“I don’t doubt that at all.” Flashes Endmin a smile so bright, tinged with enthusiasm and pride. As if he really didn't mind dying by Endmin’s hands, or he is incredibly pleased that Endmin could have potentially taken him out. Either way he seems way too confident that Endmin will not end his life right this moment. As if he knows Endmin like the back of his hand. It is annoying as it is infuriatingly adorable.
Endmin takes a step back, puts his sword away. Trying his utmost to hide his trembling hands. With his blade safely out of the way, he finally remembers to ask the more logical question that this sort of situation called for. “What are you doing out here?” Crosses his arm across his chest, a feeble attempt to shield the ache that threatens to unravel him.
Aradashir takes a step forward, answers with a non-sequitur. “Seems like you remember who I am.”
A fleeting remark, a carefully-concealed vow, an undeniable fact that is laughing at Endmin.
Like it’s supposed to be fucking obvious to him.
It actually is.
The thundering in his heart intensifies. Blood rushes to his ear. All his thoughts blur together into a haze that threatens to overwhelm him but suddenly in one singular moment of clarity, it becomes unmistakably clear - he does indeed remember what it felt like to fall in love.
What it felt like to fall slowly at first, like a gentle spring breeze passing through his heart, before he starts spiralling as the breeze morphs into a full-fledged category five typhoon that wreaks havoc, with an indiscriminate grace, leaving him powerless in its wake.
And with that tiny fragment of reclaimed memory, he also remembers the man that he fell in love with.
It's actually not so terrifying after all.
Endmin holds Ardashir's stare for a moment, carefully weighing his next words. He rolls them around his tongue, savours them. Basks in the proximity between them that is hauntingly familiar, comforting even.
“I do remember,” he finally settles on in the end.
Ardashir blinks. Once and then twice. Realisation dawns on him, as a fond look materialises on his sharp features. “Oh,” he says. It’s a statement, a question, an invitation for Endmin to choose which path to take.
And it’s like the sky finally cleared up. Endmin becomes hyper aware of his desires, however wretched they might be.
So he throws Ardashir a challenge. ”Make me fall in love with you once more.”
If he is going to hell, he wants Ardashir to jump in after him.
Ardashir grins. Feral and breathtaking. In every way it’s saying that he would gladly burn in hell together with Endmin.
It’s dangerous. It’s wrong. It’s reckless insanity. But Endmin's heart is pulsing with want. He wants to find out the answer to Perlica’s question. He wants to feel the tenderness in every touch. He wants to taste sin on his lips.
He yanks Ardashir down and -
It tastes exactly like their first kiss.