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Seven years in one school, and Regulus still couldn’t wrap his head around it. He wanted to say that it had been the best years of his life. Although Regulus had plenty of flaws, he tried to keep his lying to a minimum so he wouldn’t be saying that anytime soon. He even wanted to say that he had experienced a great whirling teenage romance. Once again, he tried to keep his lying to a minimum.
If Regulus really wanted to be particularly delusional, he’d say the closest he got to such a thing was with James. Unfortunately, it started in the fourth year. Regulus accidentally ended up sitting behind James in Charms. Regulus had low patience when it came to popular people. He kept track of about three chances to prove themselves as good people before he hated them forever. James was funny. In the way that most 14-year-old boys are: so unfunny it becomes funny. Even though Regulus never talked to James, he was one of the only people who made him laugh that year. There was never eye contact or truly anything but Regulus snickering behind James and trying to hide it. It was a simple task, as the entire class usually laughed too.
In the fifth year, Regulus was spared from ever seeing James. He was plenty known, though. Everyone knew who Potter was. He was the star of everyone’s gossip. Regulus wasn’t interested; he had plenty of drama with just Evan and Barty. Why would he go looking for more?
Sixth year, however, things changed. Regulus ended up in Herbology with him. Regulus knew who he was. He was plenty aware of who James was, too. It wasn’t like he truly thought James liked him. The one thing he knew was that when he allowed himself a moment of delusion, it made him soar. He loved the feeling, even though he knew how it would end. That’s what hope does, though, it gave him the ability to say ‘but what if’. A crush formed in under a week. It was shocking how quickly Regulus went from ‘what a pathetic popular loser,’ to ‘I hope he notices me today.’ He went completely insane in record time. Suddenly, he was tracking every time James made eye contact with him. Every time he laughed at one of James’ jokes. He logged every time James spoke to him. He asked his the length of his essay on March 9th. James told him his story was ‘bomb’ on April 25th. Regulus might as well have done a line of cocaine the way he felt like writing three seasons and a movie after that comment.
The most deadly year had always been their final year. Regulus didn’t want to like him anymore because he knew he had some fling going on with Lily Evans. Whoever that was. Regulus was pretty sure she sat next to him once in divination and kept kicking the leg of his chair. That’s really all he knew about her, but again, Regulus had little patience for popular people.
James and Regulus seemed to be making more and more eye contact as the days went by. It could’ve easily been that now, instead of one class like usual, they shared two. It could've been that Regulus was staring more. It could have been that James was planning a wedding with Regulus walking down the aisle. Regulus tried to choose speak instead of die once, he offered tutoring in potions. James quickly shut it down. James had an A. It wasn’t better than Regulus’ A, of course. Regulus had a little plus, but that was just semantics. Regulus truly lost his fire for attempts at reaching out after that. What else could he offer? He had nothing better than what James had in any other field. It would’ve been easier if it were their First year. If he embarrassed himself, Regulus could have a chance to redeem himself. No. These were their final months. Final few weeks. Regulus couldn’t redeem himself on such short notice. His mouth was going to stay closed.
Things were weird, though. James talked to him when he didn’t have to. James sent him random winks. His eyes would sometimes be on Regulus, and they held a secret mirth Regulus wanted to bottle. James would skip out of his chair to include Regulus in something that had nothing to do with him. James was such an odd man that Regulus couldn’t stop finding reasons to believe he liked him. However, it seemed every time there was evidence of James liking him, there were three more pieces of evidence he didn’t. James rarely ever talked to him. James didn’t even remember that they had shared classes before. James seemed to talk to everyone around him, so the conversation with Regulus didn’t seem all that special. He seemed to just look at people, no matter who they were. Regulus wasn’t anymore special than anyone else. Yet sometimes that what-if came back to him, and he could see himself being special to James. All the friends he repeated stories to seemed to believe James liked him, but they just didn’t understand how odd James truly was. He was odd. Regulus wasted away his last few months of Hogwarts watching James from afar, and it seemed to him that somedays James looked back.
Regulus was finally in the graduation cloak that every student earned. His empty diploma folder was heavy in his hands. He was standing in a back corridor by the main entrance from the Black Lake. Graduates scattered immediately after the ceremony. Regulus found a hiding spot so he could be sad on his own time. Eventually, he’d remove himself and rejoin Dorcas, Pandora, Barty, and Evan outside. For now, he stared at the embossed letters of ‘Hogwarts’ on the front and wondered if it was worth it. Was every panic attack worth the grades? Was every tear worth this cloak? Was every bully- no, they still sucked. Well. Had he wasted his time with James? If he had spoken up sooner, would they be making out in this very hall? Regulus could get behind that. Post graduation make-out session? Yeah, he liked the sound of that. He had an answer in his mind of what he truly thought would have happened. The sound of steps made Regulus lift his head. James was turning the corner, and his eyes fell on Regulus. They bounced off the opposite wall. Regulus was leaning. His steps did not stop as he walked past Regulus towards the boys' bathroom. Regulus felt his throat go dry.
“James.” James paused, spinning around. He raised a brow at Regulus. Regulus wasn’t sure why he called to him when he did. With James staring at him, he felt the words come to him.
“Do you think there’s another universe where we’re friends?” Regulus asked. What was the point in being embarrassed? He had already graduated. He’d never have to talk to this man ever again. James furrowed his brows, staying silent for a moment. His eyes flicked to the ground before reaching Regulus again.
“I think there’s a universe where I kiss you goodnight every day,” James responded. Regulus felt his gut sink. That was somehow exactly what he wanted to hear and the opposite. Regulus felt his throat tightening as he pushed out his next question.
“Do you think that could’ve ever been this universe?” Regulus muttered, watching James closely. James barely blinked before responding.
“I think you know the answer to your question.” James turned and finished his path to the bathroom. Questions flooded Regulus. The one thing he knew in the swarm of questions was this: He didn’t know. He had no idea. James had never been upfront about any feelings towards Regulus. Nor had Regulus. Regulus couldn’t go back; he could scream in James’ face that he liked him. Regulus didn’t see the point in telling him now, either, because James was already with that Lily girl. There wasn’t a single thing left between Regulus and James. Regulus could die tomorrow, and it would be as final as today. Regulus could’ve wasted something, or maybe there was nothing there at all. Maybe Regulus just needed a fucking smoke since the fourth year.
Regulus pushed off the wall. Heading for Barty and the pack in his back pocket.