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Yuna Hollander was aware of what was said about her online and in gossip magazines, she wasn’t stupid. She was a tiger Mum, obsessed with thrusting her child into the spotlight. That she was riding his coattails to supplement her own boring life. She knew part of this was because she was Japanese, there was no way she could ignore that aspect. Just as teams had jumped to say they had no “problems” with Shane being Asian-Canadian, they had also told her the racial comments from players and their families were “harmless”. It had all magnified tenfold when Shane had exploded into the professional leagues. Suddenly Shane was under a spotlight, one that occasionally remembered that Yuna existed. Yuna, who had the audacity to be a Japanese-Canadian woman who wanted the best for her son and never shied away from conflict. Yuna, who went after what she wanted whether it was brand deals for her son or investing every spare dollar they had to make sure Shane would always be comfortable. Part of it came from all the backstage whispers. People who had grown up with Shane, staff from commercials he booked, workers from rinks he practiced in. That she pushed him too hard. She didn’t act like the classic, doting mother who should constantly tell her son how wonderful and amazing and perfect he was. Make no mistake, Yuna Hollander absolutely felt those things about Shane. But she also knew how fleeting the life of a professional athlete was, without adding in Shane’s ethnicity or his sexuality. All of the ads, the campaigns, partnerships were to set Shane up. To make sure that no matter what happened- from career ending injuries to Shane walking away from the sport- Yuna needed to know that Shane would be looked after and having the time and money to figure out his next moves. Both her and David had to work for everything in their lives. All Yuna wanted was to know that if Shane walked away from hockey tomorrow he would have time to set up the next steps.
Yuna knew her level of anxiety about these things was not normal (or “chill” as Ilya had taught her). Often times David had to remind her, with a gentle hand on her face, or a warm tea in front of her, (or in one case hiding Yuna’s laptop so she couldn’t find it), that there was life outside of sponsorships and brand deals. That’s why they worked so well as a team. Yuna was driven to a fault, hyper focused, intense- all things previous boyfriends, hockey parents, and fan blogs had said about and to her. David saw this and not only accepted it but encouraged it. David knew that Yuna always had Shane’s best interests at heart. He knew that Yuna did everything with purpose, for a reason. But he also remembered when to bring out Yuna’s silly side. When to pull out the cards, when to book surprise dinner reservations, when to whip her with a tea towel and run away before her outrage could truly set in. After all this years David could read Yuna’s mind and still made her weak at the knees.
After Shane had come out to her Yuna had spent so long dissecting every moment of his life. Every conversation, interaction, game played to try and find the moments she made her son so scared to come out to her. What had he done that he felt he couldn’t love so openly in the light of day? Had she pushed him so hard that he thought the only way he could be happy and loved was to hide it? To segment pieces of his life into boxes and hide them away to not rock the boat. Did she push him too hard to find a girl? Was her comment about a Swedish princess part of the reason Shane was so frightened? She had never wanted to force Shane into hiding- to make him think that there was anything he could do that would make her love him less. These thoughts kept Yuna up at night, and settled into the darkest corners of her mind when she let it wander.
The day Shane had been born Yuna and David’s entire lives changed. Yuna had wanted babies so badly. The two miscarriages before Shane made Yuna feel they were never going to happen. Each time she had been met with sympathetic stares and a comforting word. For a time. And then it was like she was expected to get over it. To forget all the time daydreaming about the people these babies would be. To scrap the life she had planned out in her head and just get on with it. More than thirty years later Yuna still carried these babies with her. The shame of her body failing her, the guilt of not being able to give Shane any siblings, the humiliation of having to get scans to confirm these babies deaths every single time.
Yuna had all but given up before Shane was born. She had never told David that, but she was not sure she could do it all again. The exhilarating high crippled with the lowest low she had ever felt in her life. Yuna had worried that David would leave her, find a better wife who could fulfill her duties as child bearer and mother. But every time David had looked after her. Held her through the tears, the rage, the depressions so deep she couldn’t get up off the bathroom floor.
He had celebrated every positive pregnancy test even when those around them seemed hesitant, waiting to see if this one would “stick”. He waited on her hand and foot every time, insisting that she was far too busy growing an entire human to have to do the dishes.
When Yuna had first heard Shane cry it was like every fibre of her body was changing. Neurons rewiring, entire planes of existence shifting. No longer was it David and Yuna. It was now David, Yuna, and this small, tiny life they had brought into the world. Yuna knew in that instant that she would do anything and everything in her power to protect him. She would have walked barefoot across a sea of tacks for this child. Yuna had cried as Shane did, overjoyed that her and David had created such a boy. Every day since Yuna had thanked any and every god for bringing Shane into their lives and allowing them to feel such joy.
Six months after Ilya’s transfer Yuna was staring at the items in their freezer, as if the way they were sandwiched in could somehow solve all her problems. She squeezed the tub of ice cream in her hand between the two that were already there. Yuna always made sure they were well stocked when Ilya came to visit and that there were cold Cokes in the fridge. While she wasn’t the biggest fan of cooking Ilya’s response to Yuna’s pasta made her want to cook every single meal for him. How many home cooked meals had this man had in his life? How many times had he been allowed to just relax and be himself around the dinner table?
Grocery shopping usually didn’t create an existential crisis for her. Today, however, she had seen an article about he while she was grocery shopping. It was some sort of hit piece, an expose by a trashy magazine looking to up their readership. The title had been some witty wordplay about her being a tyrannical tiger Mum, and whether she pushed Shane Hollander too hard. As Yuna had read the title the fluorescent lights seemed to become impossibly bright and loud, ringing in her ears. Her nails dug into her palms hard enough to leave crescent marks.
The text on the magazine was accompanied by a photo of Shane leaving the latest Montreal Metros practice, looking somehow both impossibly tired and impossibly young. Yuna knew the distance between he and Ilya was still causing stress. Even with Ilya closer now they both felt the stress of keeping things secret. They were so scared of fans dissecting every time interaction, of figuring it out and thrusting them even further into the spotlight. If Yuna could she would wrap them both in a blanket and hide them away from the world. They deserved to be two young men in love. To date, and flirt, and be silly in public just like any other couple- just like David and Yuna had been able to. It broke Yuna’s heart every time she watched theirs shatter into a million pieces every time they said goodbye. Waiting to retirement seemed far too long. Her boys shouldn’t be living day by day, waiting for retirement that was more than a decade away. They should be able to live together, to share quiet little moments together, to enjoy boring and mundane every day life.
The words on the magazine started jumping out at Ilya. Every time she told herself not to look at it her eyes were dragged back liked they were magnets. Yuna’s heart thumped against her ribcage feeling like it was going to split her in half. It felt like every thought she had every thought was pushing its way into her head. Was this pressure why he had created the charity with Ilya? Had the evil Yuna Hollander pushed her son to the point of mental distress? Yuna thought the answer had been no but there was a small voice in the back of her head that told her maybe she had. Maybe she had driven Shane to hid himself. Maybe it was because of her that Shane felt like he couldn’t come out and be himself. Usually, Yuna could shake the voice off. Not today. Today it felt like it had cracked her sternum and squirrelled it’s way inside. She had tried to brush it off all evening but by then it was firmly planted in her chest, there was no shaking it.
David had noticed as they were putting away the groceries, stashing the ice cream in the fridge for later “Sweetie,” David’s hand on the small of Yuna’s back startled her from her thoughts. “You look like you’re on another planet,” His face worried itself into a frown. Yuna exhaled, trying to focus on David’s thumb rubbing up and down her back.
“I’m fine,” Yuna pasted a smile on, “just distracted.” David’s singular arched eyebrow made it clear that he wasn’t buying into her shit. He could always read her so well. “Just a silly article I saw at the shops, nothing major,” she sighed, embarrassed she let it affect her this much.
“Yuna,” David tugged his wife into his chest. Yuna tucked herself against in, always managing to feel small against him even as a grown woman. “If you believed everything those rags wrote we would all be lizard people who worked for pigeons that are actually robots.” Yuna laughed against her husband’s chest.
“I know,” she whispered. “What if they’re right though? What if I did push him too hard?” Yuna swallowed hard, trying not to let the tears fall. It was like every bit of shame, of microaggressions, of sexism, of disappointment had crawled its way to the surface. On the surface Yuna looked like a confident bitch. A woman who had it all together, who ran a whole foundation and her son’s career. She only let David see her like this. Raw, unfiltered, and vulnerable in these private moments. Life had taught her to build a wall to protect herself. To make sure David and Shane were well looked after before she even thought of herself.
“Hey, look at me,” David gently cupped Yuna’s face, tilting her face towards him. “Shane is a grown man. And even before that, he was one of the most stubborn children I ever met. There’s no way that boy was doing all this hockey if he didn’t want to.” Yuna worried her lip between her teeth, feeling nervous energy light her veins on fire.
“What if I made Shane feel like he couldn’t come out to us?” Yuna’s voice was hardly above a whisper. She had always been too scared to voice this to David, scared that he would agree with her and walk out the door. Yuna knew that of the two David was the preferred parent. The fun one, who played hockey and Yahtzee. Who could calm Shane and Yuna down from their panics and turn the world right side up. “What if it really was something I did?”
David wiped the tears spilling down her face. He started gently placing kisses on her face, “that’s silly and we both know it,” he murmured.
“But-“ David frowned at her sharply, killing the rest of the sentence before it could leave her mouth or even fully form in her brain.
“Yuna, the boy went to sleep in his uniform for goodness’ sake. The same stubbornness and hard headedness are why he’s our kid. It’s the reason he refused to give up on Ilya. They’re both so obstinate that there was no way they weren’t going to be with each other- regardless of whether they could be together in public or private.” David ran his fingers through Yuna’s hair, knowing it was one of the easiest ways to bring her back down to earth. Yuna’s heartrate began to crawl back downwards, no longer feeling like it was going to send her into orbit.
“You fixed every skinned knee, every overstimulated meltdown, and every quiet panic attack Shane has ever had. You made him feel comfortable enough that he and Ilya want you to run their foundation- the most important thing in the world to both of them. You’ve quietly stocked the whole house with treats for Ilya whenever he visits. You cried after he came over the first time because you were worried he had never had two parents to love him. You threw your first game of cards against him so he wouldn’t get disheartened and give up.” Yuna laughed wetly and leaned into his touch.
“I told you that in confidence,” she pouted.
“You didn’t even throw card games against me. On our first date you threw the cards on the table, cackled wildly, and told me to come back when I was more serious about winning.” David’s face practically split in half with his grin.
“It’s not my fault you were so bad,” Yuna protested.
“No. But it’s also part of the reason I know how much you love both Ilya and Shane,” David reasoned. He took both of her hands in his. “That’s enough now. Let’s screw our heads on straight.” David knew how to cut through Yuna’s spirals, getting to the centre of her panic. They both took a deep breath, focusing on the way it filled their lungs. Yuna let the sounds of the kitchen wash over her. The hum of the fridge, the wind chimes in the window, the sound of her heartbeat slowly returning to normal. They both exhaled as David squeezed Yuna’s hands, grounding her.
“Now, let’s squeeze in a game of cards before your second favourite son comes over and we get too distracted by doting over him.” David pulled Yuna into the lounge room, pulling out their favourite set of cards before she could argue.
“Ok, but don’t think I’m letting you win,” Yuna smiled, settling into her favourite spot on the couch.
David’s laugh buried its way into her chest, replacing the anxiety that had circled her all day. “I wouldn’t dream of it,” David threw the cards down with a sharp thwap, his face all business while his eyes danced with the laughter and joy that had drawn her in in the first place.