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Even as the sunlight caresses her soft face, the wind blowing through her hair, the birds singing songs, the smell of the water; suitcase would still think of her death. How maybe this would be the last time she would experience this. Even with the people she loved surrounding her. All she could think of was their futures, but not hers. Their futures are filled with happiness, without suitcase. She frequently thought about how life would continue without her.
Maybe the competitions would still keep going. She wondered who would win. She thought about being replaced as being the leader of safety. She was sure maybe paintbrush could fill it in. Maybe.
Suitcase smiled weakly. Looking down back at the lake. It was a bittersweet feeling. All she wanted was the best for them. She felt bad that she wouldn't be there to help and witness the successions.
She felt selfish. She knew she was.
She tried to be better and to get better. If she was seeing things right, she was sure that everyone thought she was better than before.
She just got better at hiding it, really.
Trying to keep up with everything was hard. She struggled every day. She thought things would get better when cobs died. But the thoughts stayed, the hallucinations, the voices, the guilt, the melancholy.
On top of that she had daily meetings with cabby and oj to try and keep things safer. She really loved helping others and taking repercussions to make the place the best it could be so there would be less chances of accidents. Now that death was permanent.
Permanent was the word that had been stuck in suitcases head for months now. Mephone couldnt revive them now, so death was indefinite now.
She would be lying if she said that she never caused her own death before. She knew a bit on what the body could withstand without dying. She had dealt with self harm for years now. That's another thing, her scars were now permanent.
When she started back up after mephone left, she tried to be less harsh. Getting carried away some days took a huge toll on how everyone saw her. But on those days, she'd just claim that she had slept wrong, or that she was feeling sick and stayed in her room for the day.
Her arms and legs littered with scars. New, old, deep, shallow, vertical, horizontal, everywhere. She sometimes felt ashamed for it. She couldn't wear short sleeves or shorts on hot days. She constantly wore her cardigan everywhere, with just about every outfit. The lame excuses that everyone believed. She had gotten better with lying. She knew it was wrong, but she'd hate to make others worry.
Suitcase, still looking at the water, looked at her reflection, and then past it.
The water was pretty deep. Even being pretty close to the dock. It was dark even in the bright afternoon sun.
She stared at the water for a long time.
She heard a whisper, slithering at her ear. Almost not even audible.
Come on
Her chest tightened as she looked back at her reflection. That comforting dread that always seems to come back surrounded her.
The same nagging voice. Yet, it was calm at the same time.
Its ok
The voice carresed her face, like a mother comforting her child.
She missed being held. She really did. Some days she wished she were a baby again, to be held and cradled. For someone to look at her softly. She'd had lots of loss. From balloon becoming friends with nickle again and knife now being a ghost. She didnt have many people to tell her feelings about. Especially now that she really didnt want to worry. Yet she missed those days where she would cry in their arms until she felt better.
Her eyes stung
All she saw was the water. The blue hue darkening into black the deeper it got. The tinge of fear filled her chest. It was that same fear she got everytime she visited the lake.
Yet it was exciting at the same time.
The voice appeared again, speaking false truths into her head as the wind got harsher. The ringing in her ears got louder and louder.
Permanent
When she would die, all she would see is darkness until she was brought back. That darkness was something she craved frequently. It was quiet, she didnt feel a thing. She didnt have to worry about the past, the future or the present. The voices and figures. Her failed deeds. Nothing. It felt like no time went by when she was in that darkness. Even if it wasnt a person, she felt connected to it, like she truly belonged there.
Suitcase stood up on the dock
Freedom
The darkness of the lake called for her. That same darkness from when she would die temporarily.
Years she has tried to wait for things to get better. She watched her friends and the other members grow. She watched her best friends improve, she watched them get into relationships, win competitions, party, hang out. Everything. But even if she was involved, she always felt like she was watching in 3rd person.
Those voices that hurt her, that kept her secluded in her room for days, told her deceitful thoughts that kept her awake, sobbing for hours. She hated the way she felt, she felt jealous of others yet so happy. It was never anyones fault for how she felt. She just never understood how the others stayed so happy.
The voice echoed in her head. The tears spilling from her eyes.
She found herself angry of the others. Why not her? Why couldn't she be happy? Why was she made this way? She would curse mephone4 some nights, begging for an answer on why she was created.
Her body rocked back and fourth, she wrapped her arms around her body. Her body shaking, she struggled to breath in.
Suitcase forced a deep breath in
And out
The air in her lungs exited her body, and the water got closer, and closer until she found herself surrounded in it.
Now all she heard was the compressing noise of the water. She opened her eyes and saw the submerged blue sky and sun.
It felt nice, it felt as if she were being held. She was floating like she was in the darkness.
Her surroundings got darker, she closed her eyes and she relaxed her body, breathing in.
Suitcase struggled from the lack of air. Water filling her lungs. She knew this was it, this had to happen. It would finally be over. No more hurting. No more hurting herself or others.
The memeories she had with everyone emerged in her head. The good days, like when she'd hang out with balloon back in season 2, or when she talked with fan or knife. The memeories of her hanging around others, laughing, having fun and being loved. Playing in competitions, losing and even winning. Her accomplishments, others accomplishments. Being held by the ones she loved.
All her cherished moments danced around her head.
The images of the others talking to her when they found out about her problems, they told her to talk to them, that they were there and that it would get better.
Well its getting better now.
She hoped they would understand
And even with her body, limp on the grass with no sign of life. Others surrounding her, trying to bring life back to her corpse.
She would be in that darkness she longed for. Permanently.
Maybe they'd soon realize by reading the books in her room, the notes she'd written over the years, the mess of her room and the razors hidden in it, that life sometimes isnt for everyone, and she was one of them.
The days will pass and they will move on.
On mere events thinking about her, putting a pit in all of their stomachs, but knowing that this is what she would have wanted.
She was happy,
She was free.
Forever.