Chapter Text
"So... You got any more?" Aubrey was curled up on her bed with her phone, trying not to sound desperate.
"It's been two weeks... They were supposed to last a month, what if my parents get suspicious..." Kel whispered into his end of the phone as to not be heard, "And how many did you have anyways..."
"Look, I was sharing-"
"Oh yeah, getting high on addies with your girlfriend, how romantic."
"I don't have a-"
"You've been saying that since, like, seventh grade, you're lying to yourself."
"Shut the fuck up already, I've told you," Aubrey sighed, exasperated, "I'm straight, I mean, I go to church, so I can't, even if I wanted to..." Her gaze wandered to the floor, nothing, nothing after night after night, nothing but a forgotten chapstick tube in the corner. The overlooked was the only sign that anything had ever happened. To everyone, it was nothing at all. Two friends, not even particularly close. It was a secret, it had to be a secret. After all, whatever would've happened if they were found out?
"Anyways, meet me in fifteen half down the street, I'll give you the last of mine."
"Thanks," Aubrey set the phone down, staring into the corner. She folded her arms, white-knuckle grip on her opposite forearm. Sitting on her bed, she flipped the picture- them in a pink stickered picture frame from five years ago, smiling. She still had hope then, the naïveté of fourteen. But that wasn't to be seen again.
Then in her periphery she saw the ceramic cross that had been collecting dust on her nightstand. Aubrey held it, running her finger down the tiny engravings to make it appear more sophisticated than it ever was.
I know what they'll say.
It's a sin, I'm evil...
I'm disgusting...
I have one friend left. One left from when I was a kid.
One who's in the pictures with Mari, Hero, Basil, Sunny...
But I ruined everything.
Fucked my life over for my own stupid desires...
I need to stop.
I need to give up.
I'm already going to hell, so why try anymore?
God's my witness, witnessing how I can no longer give a shit.
She tossed it, one side of it snapping off and sliding to a different side. Aubrey walked over to her bed, sat and grabbed the pack of cigarettes and a purple lighter, struggled to ignite it. Her eyes fell flat, staring at smoke start to rise from its end, like ribbons in the wind. She took a deep breath of it, then pressed the lit end into her neck. She sighed loud, not in exasperation that time.
That's the rush-
All I need to take my mind off it-
It's been just about ten minutes, but may as well be early. She pulled a hoodie on, then tucked her hair into her hood before walking out to seem slightly more inconspicuous, but leaving the ash on her neck, it being covered still. It was the dead of night, though mosquitoes swarmed in the trees nearby and the mid-August air weighed every breath down. She waited for what felt like an eternity before she saw Kel walking down the street to meet her.
"Thanks again," Aubrey tried to make her flat voice sound genuine.
"No problem, but seriously, this better last you a month or whatever, if my psychiatrist hears I lost them again cause of some 'accident', she'll be super pissed-"
"I get it, I get it, I'll space it out."
"And don't share with Kim next time you two fu-"
"Shut up- You've been making this shit up for years."
"Yeah, making up you two sitting too close every day in the cafeteria, her hoodie in your room that time..."
"Shut the fuck up," Aubrey's voice actually showed emotion when she was angry, "I've told you. I'm straight. I just haven't found the right guy yet... I mean all the guys in this town are terrible... You included, obviously."
"I hate you," Kel started to turn down the street, Aubrey doing the same.
"Hate you too," She answered.
Aubrey set the bottle on her nightstand, swearing she wouldn't have anything that night.
I can't do anything rash.
And I can't call her...
Again...
She wrapped her pillow around her head, muffling the nearly no noise before dropping it and lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling in thought. She glanced over to the pill bottle then, tracing the ridges in the cap with her index finger.
I need one.
Just one.
Then it'll stop.
All the thoughts.
All the pain.
All the memories.
Then not for a while.
I only need one.
Aubrey placed the cap on the table, then taking one capsule and placing it on her tongue. She swallowed it desperately, too lazy to get up for water, or any drink for that matter. Then she curled up on her bed, clinging onto her pillow like a child, waiting to forget.
I don't want to think.
I don't want to feel.
I.
Don't.
Want.
To.
Remember.