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Siffrin sat down at the table in his bedroom, fingers tapping nervously against the wood as their eye fixated on the single thing placed down in front of him. There was a plate with banana bread, which he had taken from the dinner table after they said they’d eat it later. In reality, he didn’t want to eat it. He had only said they’d do so to shake off the worry of his family, as they were all exchanging each other worried looks after they’d noticed that Siffrin hadn’t eaten much. He had brushed it off as simply not being hungry, but that was far from the truth. They were starving.
Hunger wasn’t the problem. No, it was the food that bugged him. Siffrin let out a shaky breath, trying to relax his tensed shoulders while slowly pulling the plate closer. He didn’t know why they felt so uncomfortable. It was just food. He had eaten many things before, and it was made by Bonnie, so that meant it had to be good. Bonnie made everything taste good… well, most of the time, that is.
And yet, they couldn’t get himself to take a bite. He silently thought back to a few moments ago, when they were sitting at the table with his friends. How they were all having their own conversations, oblivious to Siffrin’s internal struggle. Siffrin had tried to keep them oblivious by acting fine, but of course — Odile had caught on relatively quickly to the fact something had been wrong. She questioned them, which led into Siffrin rushing to make up an excuse. He had lied, saying they had eaten a lot before, which was why he was still full. Fortunately, his acting skills had improved a lot during all the times they had to lie to everyone during the time loops he had been in, so everyone just gave a nod or two, buying his act. Well, Odile did give him an eyebrow raise, but she hadn’t pushed further on the subject.
Siffrin thought, maybe if they were alone, eating would’ve been easier. He wouldn’t have the pressure of being watched while eating, no teasing comments about how their cheeks puffed like a hamster while they ate to embarrass him. Just him and the food.
But for some reason, it didn’t change much. Siffrin stared at the food as if it had personally insulted them, before he ran a hand through his white and black hair, making it even more messy than it was before. Mentally scolding themselves for not being able to just simply eat, they forced themselves to at least grab the bread.
As soon as they did, a wave of nausea flooded over him. He felt a strange burnt taste in their mouth, his throat being filled by the overwhelming taste of something disgusting. It wasn’t vomit, but it was close to that. They immediately put the bread back down on the plate with an over-the-top toss.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Siffrin swallowed, which was honestly quite painful, before their eye focused back on the banana bread. Memories came rushing through his mind. They remembered the pain that would follow after they’d ‘accidentally’ slip on that one banana peel, causing them to fall head first into a bunch of rocks. He remembered the horrible smell of burnt bananas that would follow afterwards. They remembered the amount of times he had to force himself to eat Bonnie’s banana baked goods to make sure their party wouldn’t suspect anything.
They hated it all.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Their stomach growled aggressively, causing him to groan in frustration. They let his hand travel to the hat, which had still been sitting on their head — slipping it off and tossing it to the ground without much thought. All he had to do was take a few bites. They could do that, right?
They decided to start small. He took the bread, ripping a small piece of it off, ignoring the way their stomach turned as they touched the bread. It was a small bit, but it was something. He took a second, mentally debating whether or not it was truly worth trying to eat. It was as if they had the devil and angel on his shoulders. One side of him was screaming to just take the damn bread and eat it. They knew it wouldn’t harm him, they knew that eating it was completely fine. It wasn’t like they were allergic or anything.
But, despite knowing damn well that it was totally okay for them to consume the bread, another side of them was mentally blocking him from doing so. It was as if his mouth got glued shut, his throat closed and his tongue got burnt. He hadn’t felt this unpleasant while trying to eat something since the croissant incident.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Siffrin mentally scolded themselves for overthinking this so much. Eating was one of the most simple tasks a person could do. Everyone did it. It was a basic human necessity to eat, something that people needed to do to survive. This shouldn’t be so difficult.
Before they let themselves spiral more, he took the small piece of bread they had ripped off, putting it in his mouth quickly. Immediately, their body and brain set off multiple alarm systems. It felt like he had consumed something that would poison them in only a second. They coughed after swallowing, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden. Putting a hand on their forehead, they tried easing their nerves. They could vaguely remember the breathing exercises Mirabelle had taught him after they had a full blown panic attack in front of her.
Breathe in, hold for five seconds, breathe out.
In.
Out.
Oh stars, thinking about breathing so much has caused them to breathe manually! The feeling left a burning sensation in his throat, like they’d swallowed a ball full of spikes. They tried to swallow the feeling down, but it didn’t help much. The burnt taste returned in their mouth like an overwhelmingly big wave, making them gag. Shit. Siffrin took the table with their hands, forcing their posture to straighten and their head to look forward. Keep it in, they thought. But that was easier said than done. His mind started spiralling. They got a familiar pain in the back of their head, making them immediately try to feel for an injury that wasn’t there. The pain was intense, it reminded them of how badly it hurt when they constantly slipped on that stupid banana peel to loop in time.
Man, they regretted doing that.
They pulled their hand away from their head, checking for any blood. Of course, there was nothing, but that didn’t ease his mind much.
Siffrin coughed once more, this time feeling a strange aftertaste. It was like a disgusting mix of chlorine and bananas, which made them even more nervous. Was that chlorine taste normal to have? What if it meant something was wrong with their body? Could it have been the bananas? Were they allergic to them without knowing?
No, they weren’t. He knew that. He knew they weren’t allergic and yet, their body reacted as if he had just poisoned themselves.
Breathe in..
Siffrin pushed the plate with the remaining banana bread away from him.
Breathe out..
They got off their chair, which he regretted doing immediately — because as soon as he did, everything started to become blurry and darker. His head started pounding, and he could’ve sworn they could hear their own heartbeat. They dropped back down into the chair rushingly, trying to clear their vision by blinking a few times, before rubbing their eye. Everything felt horrible.
Their body felt weaker,
their head hurt like hell,
their throat felt like it had been set on fire,
and his thoughts were racing.
Why did they react so brutally to this? All they did was take a mini bite! They barely even felt it in his mouth, and they only had to chew a little before swallowing. It was so small, an average person would’ve probably not even tasted it.
Had it expired? No, of course not! Bonnie literally just made it.
Maybe Siffrin was just getting sick. That was possible, right?
But they felt fine throughout the entire day.
Maybe they were actually allergic to bananas.
But that wouldn’t make any sense. He’s had so many meals with bananas in them before, and it never gave them any sort of reaction.
But despite everything, their mind still firmly believed something was wrong with either their body, or his food.
They felt sweat on his forehead, the taste in their mouth growing stronger. He coughed, feeling like they’d just swallowed an entire glass of water with chlorine and salt right after eating. At the back of their neck, they felt drips running down from his head to his back. Panicked, he put a hand back on their head in the same spot as before, checking for blood. Once again, there was nothing. It was just sweat. Nothing else.
Their eye started becoming watery, vision blurring. He was scared, so scared.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Oh, fuck trying to breathe properly. It hurt like hell.
Siffrin got up again, this time trying to be more careful by using the table as support. His legs felt like they’d become static, and the room around him became more black and blurred again. But when they felt something running down their cheek, it snapped them out of it immediately. They let go of the table, rubbing their teary eye, before slowly making their way to the nearest bathroom. It wasn’t easy, he felt like his knees were going to collapse.
He was afraid. Afraid that the food had genuinely fucked something in him up.
They knew damn well that that wasn’t true. He knew that the food did nothing.
But that didn’t block out those horrible, awful worried thoughts.
They opened the door to the bathroom, closing it behind him immediately, before walking to the sink and leaning down. Turning the faucet on, he drank some water to try and get rid of the gross flavour in their mouth.
It didn’t help.
It really didn’t help.
He coughed out the water, watching it drop into the sink. For a split second, he thought they saw blood in the water. They panicked, blinking a few times and checking their mouth in the mirror.
There was nothing wrong.
Looking back at the sink, there weren’t any blood stains either.
What was wrong with him?!
Siffrin let out a sob, turning the faucet off while they lowered to the floor. They let themselves sit down, his knees raising to their chest, their arms hugging around their knees. He felt like throwing up, but they were too scared to do so.
All they could do was sit on the floor, face hidden away under their arms and hair.
A knock came on the door.
Siffrin didn’t respond.
Another knock came, then another. And another.
Siffrin softly sobbed, wishing for everything and everyone to just disappear. He felt horrible, scared, and sick.
“Stardust?”
A familiar voice said behind the door.
Siffrin couldn’t reply.
Not like this.
They didn’t want anyone seeing him like this.
Especially not Loop.
What was he supposed to say, anyway? ‘Oh, hey Loop, I’m having a panic attack because I ate something!’
Absolutely not.
Loop would probably find it stupid, and silly.
So, Siffrin just stayed quiet, on the cold bathroom floor, refusing to reply to the once star-headed person on the other side of the door.
They’ll be fine. They just needed a moment. Right?