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On a mundane afternoon, Pokke races through the halls, slamming the door open to Tachyon and Cafe’s classroom. Nothing moves or breaks, and they both continue on their tasks as she stomps in. Today, the window and curtains are open, with the spring breeze drifting in.
“… Good afternoon, Pokke-san…”
Tachyon spins right round to face her guest, “my my, are you trying to lure me out again?”
Pokke, a bit offended, scratches the back of her head. Their back and forth has stretched out over the last two months. In fact, no one’s spotted Tachyon anywhere but the gymnasium, weights, and the pool. No races. Outside of their brief moments of wall-to-wall dialogue, they haven’t spoken to each other, or hung out. It’s made those moments of begging much worse for Pokke. They're interspersed with a pain in her chest every time she looks at her leave their classroom, or when she gets glimpses of her in the dorm hall. At night, she overthinks messages she doesn't send, and listens to songs a bit sadder than her usual karaoke playlist. But today, she’s prepared for the humiliation that comes with it. She’s already in her worn-out jersey, hoodie tied to her waist. “What’s the price?”
On cue, Tachyon slides right over and shoves a teal vial right in front of Pokke’s lips.
“I’m… going to the library…” Cafe says, disappearing like mist.
“You must've tried to convince her,” Pokke says, “that bad?”
Tachyon waves it off with her other hand, still insisting, tapping the vial against Pokke’s mouth. “You know she would never let me, besides, our trade?”
“Fair’s fair, though, you gotta let me know what it does first,” Pokke says, taking a step back.
“It enforces the communication with neurotransmitters in the brain redirecting speech inhibiting functions. By offloading a source of stress, the brain can focus solely on mind muscle connection,” Tachyon explains.
“Run that back,” Pokke asks.
Perking up, Tachyon replies, “It acts like a truth serum, in exchange for allowing you to make quicker decisions. Since your brain isn’t concerned with acting properly, you can focus all your thinking capacity on your body and your running strategy.”
“I see why Cafe didn’t wanna try it. Bet you were gonna try to dig her in with questions.”
“Precisely, how intelligent, Pokke-kun,” Tachyon says, “…I wanted to learn more about her paranormal partner! But I promise I was interested in you as well. I had three trials set aside for three subjects. Though, I haven’t seen Shakur-kun around!”
Tachyon picks herself up off the chair and quickly pops off the cork, pulling up the hand with the vial up to Pokke’s mouth. For a moment, Pokke hesitates. She thinks to herself: it’s not like I got anythin’ interesting to keep from her. A mischievous seed of thought is planted in her. She decides it must bear fruit in the next three seconds.
“Hey. I don’t really feel like doing it. I don’t think you’ve given me a good enough reason. ‘Sides, I know someone that might make for a better subject…”
“Oh?” Tachyon says, before her head is tipped back as Pokke pours the solution down her mouth. Gasping for air, she stumbles back into her chair. Shaking her head, she swivels away, then begins rummaging through her cabinets and drawers. Her mind races out loud, shouting a variety of component names in the hopes that one will stick out as something she can use to reverse it. The half-drunken vial, now shattered into pieces on the ground in a shiny blue puddle, stares at Pokke. When Tachyon’s mind can’t find anything in particular, she lays her head on her keyboard, muttering into the metal.
“Sorry, Tachyon. I just didn’t feel like it today. Besides, I’m always honest with you. If there’s something you don’t know about me, just ask.”
Tachyon clasps a hand over her mouth, stumbling again for something that can counteract on the shelf behind her. Slamming a cabinet below the countertop, a round plastic container drops down, pressure forcing it open and making a cloud of agar powder appear in the air.
Pokke rushes forward into the cloud and pulls Tachyon away. “Hey, whoa, that’s not dangerous, is it?”
Coughing, Tachyon says, “No, you idiot, it’s just powder. Without a proper mixture, no bacterial culture can be cultivated. It’s annoying to have to clean, however. So thank you for that. You were supposed to take this truth-inducing solution so I could strategize how to best,” Tachyon starts, before taking a page from her journal and shoving it in her mouth.
“Were ya trying to take my training strategies?”
Tachyon shakes her head, and she can’t stop the honesty from filling her thoughts. It makes her face flush and her ears grow hot, and she rushes to the sink so she can dump the paper and splash herself awake. Reaching for a tube to pour water into, Pokke snatches it out of her hand.
“No smart-assing your way out of this, sit down. I’m sorry that I did it, but I wanna hear what you got to say.”
“You’re only sorry because the consequences are immediate this time,” Tachyon says.
Pokke lets out a guilty chuckle. “Heh. Shoulda’ been faster then.”
Tachyon gives her a lethal glare, pulling out a drawer from her left side, grabbing tape and scissors. A series of flashes occur: the first of Tachyon letting out a loud rip, the second where she smashes it onto her mouth, the third where Pokke tackles her onto the ground, pushing the scissors out of her hands. Tachyon lets out a loud annoyed grunt, clenching her teeth, eyes shut in pain. The tape pulls off Tachyon’s lips gently, and Pokke moves quickly to keep her pinned down.
“Talk, Tachyon. You got some explainin’ to—hey, stop that!”
Tachyon bites her lips so hard they start bleeding, causing Pokke to back off. It scares her so much she stumbles back. “Hold on, lemme get you some water, Tachyon, wait!”
Unguarded, she can’t grab back onto her. A chase ensues throughout the hallway, going from one end of the floor to the other in mere seconds. They crash into two girls who carry a set of flyers out for the upcoming Ligne Droite, and quickly stomp through the paper to continue. Escaping the consequences, they head for a stairwell, and Pokke takes her strength to jump over the guardrail in front of Tachyon. Slowly they dance backwards up the steps with tails carefully swishing in opposite directions. Before Tachyon can dash away, Pokke grabs her arm and gently pushes her onto the wall. A couple girls hanging out on the floor below let out shocked gasps and run off to tell their friends.
Tachyon writhes under her grip. “Don’t get so close to me, I won’t be able to hold you back, I don’t want to—”
“What are you even talking about? Are you okay? Is there any way I can help you out?”
“Unfortunately, I did not make an antidote. I thought I’d be able to… quickly,” she says, pausing to stomp between breaths, “I wanted to see if you were hiding your feelings from me. I’ve been thinking about you so often, so I—ugh!”
She puts both hands on her mouth, backing up to the wall, pitifully sliding down. Pokke squats down to meet her at eye level.
“I’m not hidin’ anything.” Pokke blushes, her tail giving away her lie. “But you don’t gotta be a scaredy cat. If we stay here, you can’t help yourself out of it. I can get you back to the lab, so you don’t gotta…”
“This is all far too embarrassing, I wish it never happened in the first place, and what infuriates me further is that it had to be you! You’re too persistent and eager to trap me. While usually charming and most certainly useful, and a times a bit—arphm…”
“A bit what?” Pokke lets herself have one little tease.
Tachyon makes a sound like she’s going to hurl. “Attractive.”
“Okay, you don’t have to talk. Yeesh,” Pokke says, cowering away and hiding her fractured self-esteem while at it, “think about a cloud. Like you’re staring at a cloud on a grassy hill. That usually helps me stop thinkin’. I’ll carry you back, so try not to think of anythin’.”
Tachyon closes her eyes, whispering, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud… getting quieter and quieter as she calms. Under her sleeves, she balls and relaxes her fists, focusing on that sensation as well. Cafe had taught her that, or rather, noticed it and suggested doing so during moments of anxiety.
“I was gonna let you piggyback ride, but guess I’ll just carry you the other way then,” Pokke says, trying to keep in her laughter.
As Pokke picks her up by the legs, settling into a bridal carry, Tachyon yelps, “Pokke-kun! Cloud, cloud, remember the damn cloud!”
Pokke stomps up the steps with Tachyon in tow, and the girls they bumped into look at them in confusion rather than anger. A look down shows Tachyon struggling to keep her eyes closed and her mouth shut, both quivering and trembling in a way Pokke can’t help but happily huff at. It’s cute. Drawing more eyes by the second, girls whip their heads to look at them in the hall from their conversations, and a squealing Digital peeks from behind a corner. Pokke says, “Sorry, can’t really run super well with you like this, but I can try to get us there faster. Hold on!”
“Ahaha! Pokke-kun! The sky… clouds… clouds… I’m trying my best to think about the clouds, but I can only—CLOUDS! Can’t you hold me a bit tighter? Damn it! Cirrus, Cumulonimbus, Stratus, Nimbostratus!”
Pokke bursts out laughing, “seriously, what are you talking about? I don’t wanna squeeze ya to death, so chill out!”
“If I open my eyes, I just might die. Say, Pokke-kun, this is an awful idea. Who thinks about clouds at all! What’s so good about clouds?”
“I mean, they’re just water. Not a lot to think about. Isn't it good to run through a big patch and then collapse on a field and look up at ‘em..? If that don't work… you could focus on muscles instead. Like uh, the science stuff. You’re close enough,” Pokke says.
Tachyon opens her eyes and gives her an incredulous look. “Are you stupid!? Dense?! You’re made of osmium! If I wanted to think about your muscles—which I do often—I’d just pull up the files I have on them! I’d much prefer it if a storm came and flooded the campus instead. As much as I appreciate your princely service, it’s obvious you’ve learned your flirtatious obnoxiousness from your senior.”
“I didn’t say all that! Try to rest, or think about what it would be like to take a nap!”
“Why would I ever take a nap! Especially now, I’m completely in a panic. And I’ve been forcefully separated from my laboratory, so now we’re both stuck like this. It’s suffocating, frustrating, and I’m stuck with the objectofmy—CLOUDS! My thoughts don’t make any logical sense—why do I speak like this—and for the record I don’t understand why you thought this would be a good idea. Did you think it was funny? It’s only funny when I do it, when I have the propensity for a joke. You aren’t supposed to take me seriously, and every time you do, I wonder if you’ll discover how much I want you close by. That doesn’t even make sense! Why am I saying it like… argh! Damn you!”
“I would shut you up, but I’m carrying you right now,” Pokke says, rolling her eyes, “it’s literally right there.”
A few more steps and Pokke places Tachyon carefully down on the couch. “Look, I’m sorry, it’s my bad. Can I help you make it, or whatever? The antidote?”
“Just get away from here! Not that I want you to, but it’s better than the alternative,” Tachyon says, "and I don't think you're capable of helping me reverse the effects."
“You don’t have to talk, ya know. You’re kinda hurting my feelings,” Pokke pouts, “like a lot. If you wanna fight me so bad, you can take me on as soon as this is over.”
Tachyon huffs in frustration, “No, you don’t understand, so let me explain in the simplest terms possible. The impulse which helps you stay quiet, control your words? I don’t have it right now! I have to speak or it’s incredibly painful. If you go, it’s not like my thoughts about you will cease, I just don’t want you exposed to everything I think about you. It’s to vent my frustrations so that you think nothing tender of it all.”
And she keeps letting the words flow out, blocking Pokke from responding.
“I won’t hurt you like this. My experiments are never meant to reveal anything about me, only about umamusume. Only they are the beings which can bring my dream to fruition, only they can bring us to the view beyond their limits. I must discover everything I can to bring out their potential.”
“That’s nice and all, but you are one?”
“And I wish you would stop thinking like that—” Tachyon says, before painfully closing her hand over her mouth.
Pokke steps back, saying, “I didn’t know that’s how you felt. I… I’m really sorry. Are you okay?”
“I am not! I am pissed off all the time! Do you think I want to say no to you? Of course I don’t want to! It hurts me every time, to see you walk out with Cafe, or to watch you with everyone outside. I can hear you, I can hear you all the time. The sound of everyone’s footsteps. Their labored breaths! You drive me mad! To reject you, I have to think up insurmountable trials and experiments, just to see you give up. To see you walk away. So that I truly don’t have to tell you that I can’t… that I can’t… Please leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Just go. Please. Please! I don’t want to be alone. LEAVE!”
Pokke hugs her, bringing Tachyon into her shoulder, who talks into the fabric. Her muffled ramblings chatter vibrations through her bones. The door isn’t closed, which makes the pit in Pokke’s stomach grow even bigger, shame and embarrassment for exposing Tachyon like that. In exchange for all of those secrets, Pokke doesn’t know what to say. What about Tachyon’s injuries—or her condition generally, including her mind—has she been hiding from everyone? Has she been causing pain every time she’s close by? All of Tachyon’s thoughts which spilled out bit by bit were contradictory, as if she was trying to protect herself, but couldn’t. Naturally, that resulted in the only thing it could, a spiral Pokke cannot handle.
“I wish I had somethin’ as big as you to say in exchange, you know. If you want me to forget about it, I promise I will. I won’t ask you to go out and run with me so much. I’m sorry…I knew you had a lot goin’ on, so I didn’t push about your recovery, but—it doesn’t matter. I was stupid, and I’m sayin’ it a lot, but if I can do anything for you to pay you back, I will.”
Looking up at her, Tachyon says, “part of me wants you to keep asking, so that I know that you still see me the way you see everyone else. Though, my rational self says I am not, and that I should be satisfied with rejecting you. I accept your apology—which can’t count for much—but do rest assured I am well aware of my own guilt in this. I have no intention of talking to you again, I have to believe in that idea, or else I’ll cave to your insistence.”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait… don’t stop talkin’ to me! That’s not, I really, I promise I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear anythin’! The whole problem is that if I ask you somewhere to go get a drink or some food or have fun, I feel like you’ll say no if I can’t justify it for your big brain. Every now and then, I’d like to have my friend back. I’m busy too, and I know you’re trying your best, but… you’re still…”
“Your friend, is that right? Is that all I am? Please tell me that isn’t all you think of me? I can’t stand it, I can’t stand the thoughts, every time you make me think about this kind of thing, my head hurts, and it doesn’t stop screeching until you ask me to race again. Then I feel satisfied that I might be something more to you. That I still have power over how people see me. How you see me.”
“You’re a lotta things for me, yeah. I don’t gotta say it, you know, cause I tell you all the time, I dunno. Would it help you if I did?”
“It would. Believe it or not, I am not a mind reader. At best, I can analyze dreams and assume thought patterns. Since you won’t subject yourself to a sleep study under my watch, I’ve had absolutely no insight as to your—urk—feelings toward me…”
Pokke presses herself against Tachyon, so that Tachyon is completely wrapped up in her. “You can say it. What kind of feelings? I just want to hear you say it.”
“I’m perplexed about the romantic feelings you might have for me… your metrics are significantly better when I observe you, so I deduced that…” Tachyon says, mumbling an even faster set of words into Pokke’s chest.
Clinging on to her, Pokke squeezes her as hard as she can. “I dunno what to say, honestly. I mean, I like you too! Shit, that’s probably how I should have started, sorry,” Pokke says, “don’t mean to scare you.”
Tachyon appears to be cursing runes under her breath, the syllables crashing into each other so quickly that there’s no longer any intelligible words or ideas from her sentences. Overheating, Pokke feels as if a hot iron fused with her chest. And it continues to bang into her, as if all of Tachyon’s thoughts were flowing into her body and boiling her blood.
Contrary to how Tachyon’s been speaking, Pokke doesn’t think simply, and doesn’t always find it easy to calm herself. She brute forces her way through constant rejection, only to reject others as she walks onto the track. Her thoughts aren’t as fast as Tachyon, but they still rush forward, and her mouth opens and closes every time she stops herself from comforting her. Stress tightening her hold on Tachyon, she panics, mulling over the last words they shared.
Tachyon, once she comes to her senses, will conveniently forget everything but Pokke’s confession. Not a single word she’s uttered has explicitly said she likes Pokke. She’ll weave her way out of it. There’s also the worrying thought that Tachyon might overthink herself into passing out. Now all that escapes Tachyon’s lips are noises from her mind racing so quickly.
“Tachyon, are you okay? For real? I think you need to calm down a bit before you,” Pokke says, pushing Tachyon off of her so they can meet eyes, “explode.”
The mind races faster than the body. Tachyon’s response comes out as an eek, a sputter, a series of syllables. Her eyes spell out H E L P and not a moment later she passes out on the couch, right on top of Pokke.
“Oi, Tachyon, hey, hey wake up… wait,” Pokke says, shaking her, “you’re all good, aren’t you? Hey!”
Still panicked, it takes her a moment to realize that she needs to be quiet to hear Tachyon. Thankfully, yes, she's still breathing. “You are so so lucky. Even outsmarting yourself,” she says, flicking the top of Tachyon’s head, “you make me so mad. Why couldn’t you tell me anythin’? Am I that bad to you..? I probably was, yeah… I wasn’t listening. You prolly hate me, maybe you just wanted to know so you could get rid of me better. You’re the only person that makes me feel like an ass, you know that?”
Guilty and burdened, she runs her fingers through Tachyon's hair for a few minutes. Listening to Tachyon's light breaths, she can finally feel herself calming down. She relishes in having this moment to herself, as it might slip through those same fingers. Then her eyes flicker open, and Pokke jolts in fear. “Good afternoon. It seems I have recovered.”
“Huh?! So knocking you out makes you better.”
“I wasn’t fully unconscious. I heard you,” Tachyon says, looking at her blankly, “That isn’t the reason I asked.”
Pokke faces her head on, “you’re just gonna keep hidin’ it now. Everything…we’re gonna go back to how we were ‘fore this.”
“Don’t move a single centimeter. I have one last burning question to investigate.”
They share a nervous glance, but Pokke listens. It makes Pokke tremble, her heart beating fast as she looks into Tachyon’s eyes. “You really worry me sometimes, but I don’t know how to ask you. How to help you.”
“I’m not asking you to help me, Pokke-kun. Simply make yourself available. You know very well what I like most for you to be around for. But I don’t mind this. And right now, I can feel your heartbeat.”
“Tch, I can’t even feel yours. So unfair.”
“Yes you can, you’re just distracted. Keep yourself inattentive so I can hide myself for a little longer,” she says, a gentle smile forming on her lips.
“Well, you’re right in front of my face, so you’re doin’ a pretty bad job.”
Tachyon laughs into her shoulder, “you really are… an interesting guinea pig. If you go now, we’ll never talk about this again.”
“I know,” Pokke says, “so… uh…”
“I won’t say it,” Tachyon says, fiercely hugging her back.
“Does it hurt that much to find me hot?”
“No, not normally, it remains in my thoughts. Where it should be.”
“Cool. Just wanted to know. I don’t really mind if you tell me.”
“I won’t tell you.”
“Well,” Pokke says, letting her voice get low, “you kept saying I’m ‘attractive’, and that you want me around. It’s hard not to like that, and wanna hear more.”
“Don’t speak like that,” Tachyon says, “it’s not… good…”
“Hehe, at least I know enough now to know you’re overthinkin’,” she whispers, "I'm right here if you need anythin', if you need anythin' right now..."
“Now, you should be quiet.”
“Don’t wanna.”
“You never listen.”
“You do it too.”
Tachyon shuts her up with one firm kiss to the lips. There’s no skill or passion to it, just a rigid kiss as a signal, pushing herself against Pokke’s lips rather than kissing them. Furthermore, it happened so quickly both of their eyes were wide open! It’s not that Pokke’s kissed anyone, but she knows that it felt wrong, it’s like when your phone falls on your mouth at night. Though, it doesn’t really matter. Tachyon didn’t say it, which peeves her, but everything aside, she was kissed. Tachyon kissed her. It’s fine, she wins now, everything is finally alright.
At least one thing was alright, she remembers, because no, Tachyon kissing her might not be a good thing. Maybe she’s avoiding the difficult discussion about friendship and about recovery. It’s passionless because she’s skirting around the elephant in the room. Because it's easier to shut Pokke up briefly than it is to say what's truly in her heart.
“Do you even like me? Just seems like you did it to prove a point?”
Straining, Tachyon says, “…hm… perhaps.”
“Oi, Tachyon. You don’t know how to kiss. Say it straight.”
“I enjoy your company more than most others. But not everyone, and having you near is unique. No one makes me feel the particular way you do.”
Pokke seethes, her tongue clicking once.
“I do…” Tachyon sighs, “I do like you, I suppose that’s the right terminology. I ignored the signs of limerence, but unfortunately, before I knew it, all of the symptoms of affection had completely taken over.”
“Why do you gotta say it like it’s a bad thing,” Pokke argues, “all of today you’ve just been convincing yourself that you don’t wanna be around me. It’s me. You should at least be a little proud of liking me.”
Tachyon clarifies, “I’m not like your fans, I’m an observer. I view you in a different way, and I don’t prefer to inject bias into every one of our interactions. Why would anyone be proud of such a thing?”
“Because it feels nice to like someone that’s cool. Because I’m proud to say that you consider me your rival, your friend, and I like to brag about you. It’s easy. When you feel good enough ta, I wanna race you again. Until then, let’s go out. I miss you and all the trouble we get up to. Next time, like today, give me easy experiments. When I ask you, it’s cause I wanna spend time with you too. Bein’ around you makes me feel smarter, but also wilder. I can hop into your window off the field after practice,” Pokke laughs, “and kiss you all the time.”
“Ah,” Tachyon says, hiding her face again, “all of that sounds…”
“Good, don’t it? Hey,” Pokke says, “look at me. Let me try kissin’ you.”
“I can’t…”
“It would help if you close your eyes,” she smiles.
“No. And how could you miss me,” Tachyon whispers, “you come see me all the time...”
“Because I do. I notice when you’re gone, and when I can’t hear you talk. I just wanna hear you talk more. So tell me everything, even all the boring stuff, and all the stuff that sucks.”
Tachyon looks right up at Pokke, who drags her in for a softer kiss, the first leading into another, and then another. Eventually, Tachyon closes her eyes, losing herself in the moment. She started the menial task of counting to keep her eyes open before eventually losing track. When she thought she would get a break, Pokke would only gasp before going back in, and then she would caress her and kiss her neck. In return, she slipped awkwardly out of her lab coat, and slowly traced her fingers across different spans of muscle. An hour passed as they shifted around, passing more and more signs of affection onto each other’s bodies, hands drifting aimlessly.
“I suppose there really was no need to test you,” Tachyon says, passing Pokke a cup of water, "I... am... sorry."
Pokke says, “but Cafe’s a good one. Maybe I can help ya, I wanna see that too!”
“But then you’ll both make me end up drinking it again. I can almost see the disaster in motion.”
“… you never know. And besides, is it really that bad?”
Tachyon thinks to herself, feeling a sharp pain from the marks on her shoulder, and lets it be spoken out loud, “I guess not.”