Chapter Text
Barbra knows when she is going to have a bad day when she wakes up to shooting pain through her leg.
It’s a deep bone ache that starts around the old bullet wound the joker gave her on her hip and tapers off near her ankle. She doesn’t like to be reminded that it is there, haunting her every moment even after months of recovery.
Her pain medicine is never too far for instances like this where the pain greets her as soon as her eyes open. The prescription level painkillers are always on her night stand along with a glass of water. Before her flare ups the night before are usually bad enough for her to need them.
It’s rather ironic since she got the injury at night and the pain always intensifies during that time.
Barbra debates staying in bed today. It’s her day off and she doesn’t have any other plans. She thinks that it would be nice to just lay in bed and let her pain subside once the medicine kicks in.
As her mind wakes up more she remembers that she promised to help Dick take down a gun trafficking ring that has sprung up in Gotham after leaving Blüdhaven. It takes everything in her not to groan in annoyance at the idea of all that movement. But she did promise and Dick’s relationship with Bruce is still shaken after what happened with Jason.
Jason’s disappearance had shaken all of them. Tim had receded into himself more and sought out comfort from the Titans. Dick had left for months, angry at Bruce for his reaction to what Jason had said and angry at himself for not being there. Barbra just wishes Jason would have said goodbye before he left.
She had only been a few months into physical therapy when he had vanished. It had felt like one more thing the Joker had taken from her. Dick had told her what happened over the phone as he sped down the bridge between Gotham and Bristol towards Gotham proper. She had felt her heart hit her stomach like a stone.
In the end they hadn’t found him despite scouring everywhere they could think of. Jason learned how to disappear from Bruce so if he wanted to leave without a trace he could do so.
Now the only things that indicate that Jason was ever here in her apartment were a couple pictures, a mug that said ‘world’s best librarian’ and her cane which was a gift from Jason. He had given her the cane during her recovery. It didn’t come with a look of sorrow or pity but a soft smile as he told her all the things the cane could do.
Jason has always been the one she was closest to out of all the Waynes. She had bonded with him on the Gotham rooftops and in the public library. He was down to earth in a way that made her feel at ease. They both enjoyed books and he was a regular at the library even if he could afford to buy books.
Barbra may never see him walk in through those doors again.
Pushing herself up she sits on the edge of her bed. She can’t see herself but she can feel that her hair is a mess. Barbra runs her hand through it to get it out of her face so she can take the meds.
Once the medicine is in her system she stands up. The shooting pain gets worse, her leg tingling as the pain makes itself known to her. Grabbing her cane she uses it to lean on as she walks out of the room.
Her apartment is modest. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, a small living room and kitchen in a nicer part of Gotham close to where her parents live. She doesn’t have a lot of money but she is comfortable.
Barbra decides to make tea this morning instead of coffee. She has been more partial to tea but coffee is more convenient for her late nights. The tin of green tea is on the lowest shelf in her cabinets which she is thankful for.
As the water boils her phone begins to ring in her pocket.
“You still up for tonight?” Dick asks instead of greeting her. His voice is light and she can hear the smile on his face as he asks her.
Maybe that’s why she doesn’t tell him about her flare up.
“Of course,” Barbra takes the kettle off the stove. She pours the water into the mug Jason got her and watches the water draw out the tea from the pouch it is in. “I wouldn’t miss it. You are always busy.”
Dick goes quiet for a moment at her comment before he continues the conversation, “I am sorry for that. I just feel like I am drowning. Everywhere I go I am reminded that Jason is gone and probably never coming back.”
Barbra understands his words deeply. Some days she prays that Jason will walk in through the library with that sheepish smile he always has when he does something stupid.
“I understand. You have every right to not want to be here. Gotham takes a lot from its people and it is probably nice to breathe cleaner air.” She keeps her voice steady, her emotions welling up in her chest as she speaks.
Dick relaxing is an audible thing on the other end of the line.
“How have you been?” He asks, not so subtly changing the subject.
Barbra wants to answer him honestly. She wants to tell him how angry she is at her body and how it doesn’t do what it could before, how much she hates the pitying looks she gets from passers by on the street when she walks by with her cane, how some night she dreams of dancing only to wake up to her legs not wanting to move.
It would feel good to get that off her chest but she doesn’t say any of that.
“Good, the library is happy to have me back and I am just as excited about it. How are things on your end?” She tells him, sitting down on her couch and propping her cane up on the couch next to her.
“That’s great. I am happy for you.” Dick sounds like he is back to his cheerful self again. “And things are as good as they are going to get over here. Roy is coming to visit with Lian for a few days soon.
Barbra hums in acknowledgment, “You will have to say hi to Roy for me. I haven’t seen him in a while.”
“Oh yeah he hasn’t been in Gotham since…” His voice trails off and Barbra tightens the grip on her cup. She wishes that he would just say it and get it over with. Barbra hates being seen as fragile and weak.
“Yeah.” She says to fill the silence. “Just let him know both he and Lian are welcome over any time.”
“I will.” Dick says softly.
The two of them catch up for a while longer as Barbra drinks her tea. It feels good to see Dick so happy after everything that has happened. She hopes that she will be able to have the same experience as he does.
⋆˙⟡
Her leg is aching by the time she lands on the rooftop of her apartment building. The pain is worse than before. For a second she holds her hip and prays for the pain to subside just long enough for her to get through this.
Barbra doesn’t get what she wishes for.
Each time she hits a roof a jolt of pain rushes through her. She ignores it, wills the pain away because she needs to do this. If she can't then what is the point?
On a rooftop halfway to the meeting point Barbra's leg buckles under her. She falls to her knees- hard. A grunt of pure agony is pulled from her chest as she tries to soothe the pain in her leg.
Tears well up in her eyes as she silently begs for it to stop.
"Come on!" She yells at herself. "This shouldn't be hard!"
'Useless' Her mind hisses as she struggles. 'Utterly useless'
"I can do it." She doesn't even know who she is talking to.
Herself?
Batman?
The Joker?
She can see her mentor and the man who took her life from her in perfect clarity. Bruce's pity and the Joker's vicious glee all far too clear in her minds eye.
"Barbra." Light footsteps hit the rooftop as a voice calls out to her.
She feels burning shame rise up her throat like bile. Barbra doesn't want anyone to see her like this- let alone one of the bats. They would only look at her like someone to be pitied. She hates being weak like this.
A hand rests on her shoulder and she looks up into the cowl of Batwoman. Kate Kane- Bruce's cousin- cuts a similarly imposing figure against the skyline. She is crouched in front of Barbra in a way that feels like she is shielding her from the rest of the city.
"You need to go home." Her voice is stern. "You will only hurt yourself if you keep doing this."
Barbra glares at her, "I am fine."
"You're not able to walk much less fight." Kate tells her like she doesn't already know.
"I have to do this!" Barbra yells. "Otherwise what is the point? I need to prove their idea of me now wrong! I am not useless because I got shot by a mad man!"
"The point is to keep yourself alive so you can prove everyone wrong." Barbra looks up to see Kate's face, no cowl and no pity. "You can't do anything like this. Please let me help you."
"I- I want to be useful." She hates how broken she sounds as she clutches Kate's cape like a life line. "I need to be useful or else I am-"
"Are civilians useless?" Kate asks with a clipped tone.
"Of course not." Barbra answers with a furrowed brow.
"Then why are you calling yourself useless?" She looks like Bruce does when he is trying to teach Tim a lesson and she wants to laugh then cry. "Even if you can't run over the rooftops doesn't mean that you are useless. There other things you can do in this line of work."
Barbra feels perplexed at her words because what else could she do to fight crime besides being a vigilante or a cop- both are no longer options for her. Before she can ask for more information Kate is taping her comm twice.
"Bruce? Are you busy?" There is a pause for Bruce to speak on the other line before Kate is speaking again. "Dick needs back up, there is a situation and I need Barbra's help so I intercepted her."
Kate is… lying for her?
"Wait- Dick and Bruce aren't on good terms." Barbra says too late because Kate taps her comm again, cutting off the line.
"Do you think that I care?" Kate raises an eyebrow. "They can work their own shit out but you need to rest. Now- can you walk?"
Barbra grits her teeth. She wants to lie. She wants to say yes but Kate could see through the lie easily in the state she is in right now. It makes Barbra feel like a burden for saying no.
"No." She mumbles, hoping that the wind will swallow the words before they make it to Kate but fate isn't that kind.
"I will carry you then." She says and holds out a hand to help Barbra up onto her feet.
Barbra takes it, not wanting to fight with her body anymore.
Kate pulls her up and helps her onto her back. Barbra holds onto her tightly as she fires her grapple gun. They fly off the roof and she buries her face in Kate's shoulder. A gut wrenching sob crawls out from her lungs against her wishes.
Kate doesn't say anything, she just carries her back home.
⋆˙⟡
They land on Barbra's fire escape ten minutes later. Kate opens the unlocked window and helps Barbra off of her back. She is gentle with her which hurts more then the pain in her leg.
Kate swings into her window before turning back to help Barbra ease through the motions of entering her window. There are no words spoken, no tears or an argument. Just a quiet acceptance of defeat.
Barbra has been running from the idea of quitting being Batgirl for months now. It was terrifying to give up this part of her life. She craved out a place in Gotham's history as Batgirl and now she might not ever be able to live up to that again.
She feels defeated and broken despite her efforts to keep going.
"Next week I am free and we are going to talk." Kate tells her as she gets Barbra settled on her couch with pain killers, water and her cane. "Are you free?"
"Yeah, I'm off that day." She sighs before lifting the cup to her lips.
"Good. I will send you a time and location." Kate says before slipping out into her fire escape.
In a split second Kate is gone as if she was never there in the first place and is left to Barbra wonder why she cares so much.
Barbra sleeps for a long time after she gets home.
Her leg's throbbing has lessened but her anger doesn't. Kate was kind but not pitying and Barbra can't be angry at her, so she gets angry at the Joker instead. He should carry the blame for taking her life from her.
Barbra cries angry ugly tears until she eventually gets too tired to cry.