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Screaming could be heard from across every single room of the old abandoned building Shuichi had followed Yuki to, constant yelling, constant “Leave me alone.” “Leave me here.”
“Yuki… I get you but you but you can't leave me alone. What about our home… Our future.”
“No. You don’t get me and you never will, don’t say that ever again.” Was that what Yuki meant to say? Was it really? Not even himself knew, those words left his mouth on their own.
“I’m sorry I’ll never be perfect for you. I'm sorry I’m not what you want and I’m sorry I’ll keep causing you trouble because I'm not giving you up.” Yuki didn't dare to look at Shuichi. If he lifted his gaze from the floor, if he turned around now. What would he see? Shuichi sounded like he was crying. Would he see tears? Tears caused by himself, by his own actions. That was more than he could endure now, yet was enough proof he could never be happy with Shuichi. Proof he shouldn't be happy with anyone.
Yuki didn't reply, he tried but words wouldn’t leave his mouth, the same words he had just been screaming at him moments ago refusing to reassure Shuichi it was not his fault. It has never been his fault, the only one at blame was himself. He only had himself to blame for Shuichi’s tears, for his suffering and his distress.
There was a long pause, silence only broken by Shuichi’s sobs until he decided it was time to tell the truth.
“You're not in love with me and in the improbable case you were, it'll pass. You don't know me, don't know what I did, don't know all the things I will never recover from.”
“That's why I'm telling you, I want to know everything about you.”
Yuki thought about it. What if Shuichi didn’t like the truth? No, there was no ‘What if’, there was not a single way he would actually like Yuki, the real Yuki. He wanted this relationship to be over, but at the same time he didn't want confirmation of the monster he already knew he was, he couldn't handle hearing that from someone who had sworn eternal love to him, not again, not another traitor to his already shattered trust.
“Leave. Now.”
“I won't leave without you, I don’t care about any of my next concerts.”
Yuki was dumbfounded by Shuichi's persistence. He shouldn't care about him, he couldn't, he had never once in his life been important to anyone, at least not more important than an object would be. Shuichi was just another liar.
“What do you want to use me for? Money? Sex? I’ll do anything you want now if you stop pretending like you care about me.”
“Yuki…” Shuichi’s puppy eyes just added to Yukis’s anger, an anger Shuichi thought was towards him and he’d later discover it was absolute hatred towards himself. Years of self deprecating thoughts, years of silent anger that were finally being let out in the same room everything started.
“Do you really want to know everything? I’ll tell you everything, everything about me, all the reasons to hate me.” There was something hidden behind that feigned indifference, something akin to a cry for help, something actually meaning ‘Please, even if I tell you, even if you find it as revolting as I do, please don't leave me.’ Depending on how it went it could also be his final act of love towards Shuichi, letting him know who the real Yuki Eiri was. Or was it self sabotage?
“I had once been in love, long before you.” Just with this start Shuichi could feel his heart breaking. So this was it, he didn't want Shuichi. There was someone else, but the story had just begun and the truth was much more gut wrenching than he had anticipated. “Way too long ago, when I was just a kid I fell in love.” Yuki felt tears running down his face, tears he didn't understand. Was it nostalgia? Maybe it was grief. No, it had to be something much worse, a traumatic event rooted deep within his soul.
“That love, the one I once believed would never end, the one I thought would die with me, was ended by my own hands.” Shuichi remained silent, trying to process if he had heard right. “He was my teacher, I was his toy. An object for his entertainment until he took it too far. He sold me, they did whatever they wanted with me… I killed them.” Nothing more than a gasp left Shuichi’s mouth, it wasn’t out of fear, nor was it out of disgust towards Yuki, it was pure horror. Had Yuki been hiding it because he blamed himself? It made no sense. Didn't he just say it was self defense? Why would it be his fault? Shuichi felt like crying again thinking about it.
“How do you live with the guilt of being a murderer, of knowing what you can do even to someone you loved. If I could kill my first love, what I thought was my whole world. Then how could I ever live happily again? How can I look you in the eye, knowing that you adore me the way I adored him. How can I be sure I will never hurt you?”
But now it was Shuichi’s turn to be speechless, a faint “But I love you.” Came out of his lips with almost childish innocence, as if Yuki really was something precious, something Shuichi was capable to take care of, him and only him could take care of.
“It's impossible. You don't love me, you love the fame I can bring you, is it? Or maybe you love money, wasn't that why you moved to my house in the first place?” Each one of Yuki’s words was a direct stab at Shuichi’s heart. How could he say that with such hatred in his voice? How could he think like that?
Shuichi’s vision was quickly blurred by tears. Was Yuki carrying all of this alone? He ran to hug him despite Yuki’s protests, complaints that faded into silent tears. Could he really be with Shuichi? If given the chance would Yuki hurt him? Those questions haunted him, didn't let him reply, didn't let him say a simple ‘I love you.’ back.
The hug, even if never reciprocated, was everything Yuki hated. Everything Yuki needed, full of the love no one had ever been able to show to him, the love he thought he'd never get, never deserve.
Maybe Shuichi could fix the heart he didn't break, maybe he could really love someone again.