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“Ugh— fucking—”
Time felt like it had completely come to a stop as Riika produced more cuts on her arm, each more painful and deeper than the last. Her head hurt, she felt nauseous and she couldn’t even see where she was cutting. Her vision was blurry, tears streaming down her face as broken sobs escaped her– the knot in her throat only tightening further and further.
All she could see was red.
She’d slash again, harder, when she heard the sound of her ringtone. Her phone was all the way in the fucking bathroom, why could she still hear it?
WHY CAN’T HE STOP CALLING HER?
Her other arm started to get tired from holding the pocket knife, from all the constant slashing, but Konnishi had to tune out that noise. Even if the song coming from her phone was replaced with the tearing of her own skin.
Sometimes she’d wince, accidentally slicing the same place twice, she was shaking like a kitten left in the rain. Shaking badly, she could barely hold up the knife. She wasn’t even thinking, just slicing and slicing, hoping that maybe it’ll fix everything if she just kept going.
It wouldn’t be a lie to say all she saw was red, a blurry, pixelated maroon that was dripping onto the bed, onto her own clothes.
The girl can’t even remember when she had started, or when it had gotten this bad. It was so cold, her blood spilling out was only making it worse—
“F-fuck…-”
But she didn’t stop. She couldn’t stop.
It was cause of him, of course it was cause of him cause who the fuck else could it possibly be?
Her brother.
The dekochari gang leader was actually feeling pretty normal just an hour ago, she was even having fun! This morning she got to spend some time with her friends. It was a small little hangout in Yasuharu's bedroom. Satou laid out a fun game of mahjong for Riika and Michiko, even if it is a “grandma game”, Nishimura enjoys it a lot.
They had a lot of fun. Riika remembers laughing, playfully punching one of the two. It was like her worries disappeared.
But good things don’t last forever, do they? Especially not for Riika.
Her annoying fuck ass brother just had to call her right after she got back to her dorm, getting mad at her for not answering his what, past 18 calls? It wasn’t her fault that she just wanted to have some fun!
And apparently her mom was mad too?
The call went as well as you’d expect, with them both screaming at each other and Konnishi telling him to fuck off, she was hoping he’d listen. But of course he fucking didn’t, he never listens, does he?
Realistically, all of the threats that he spat out could just be fear tactics, they probably are. She knows he’s not going to actually kill her, he’s a 6 hour train ride away. But he knows her location, doesn’t he?
He just won’t fuck off. Him and her mother, who’s apparently also calling her? Can she not have a MOMENT of peace?
Every time the phone rings, his loud and obnoxious voice rings in her ears, the memory of his fists clenching before he ultimately strikes her, while all mom does is watch in shock. She doesn’t even hold him back.
Oh but sure, it was Konnishi’s fault for pissing him off, huh? She didn’t even do anything! He’s just fucking pissy!
He’s not there to hurt her anymore, some people might say, but that doesn’t change anything. Who knows what he’s capable of? Especially when he’s mad. Konnishi’s seen it firsthand, multiple times before.
And it’s fucking terrifying, so terrifying that the thought of it makes her skin crawl.
It was all so loud, so blurry, her breathing was rapid, her body continuing to shake while she quickly switched arms, not allowing a single moment of solace. She cut too much on the first one… the sting turned into something more painful, more gruesome, so sticky…—
She hated the feeling, the pain…. but at least she’s doing it to herself, before anyone else can get to her. Before her brother can get to her.
The girl tuned out the world around her, she shut her eyes tight, it’s still all so loud. The ringtone, her breathing, her loud broken sobs, the sound of her skin opening into new bloody cuts that progressively just reddened her vision.
So loud that she forgets she didn’t lock her door, so loud that she doesn’t hear the knocks before the door creaks open slowly, not fully opening.
just a few more….
“Riri…?”
By now, the blade was dulling, but that wouldn’t stop Riika from just slicing with more force, stifling groans and whimpers. Maybe it’s because it’s still replaying in her head, that ringtone….
Will she ever truly escape him? Is it even worth fighting it? Her arms are going to be shredded at this rate, as she’d describe it. Not like she can see it…
“Riri—?”
just… a little more….
The door creaked once again, opening wider.
Has the music stopped yet? She couldn’t tell you, really. But it’s not even about that anymore, is it? She’s slowed down by now, her arm growing tired, the sting wasn’t helping either. It’ll take a bit before she’ll start registering most of the pain.
It’s because her mind won’t fucking shut up. It won’t stop replaying those moments that are so engraved into her mind, now finding place into her skin. It gives her goosebumps. God, it’s almost like she’s still there, like she’s never left; any moment now he can come in, any second now he can come back to hurt her, any—
“RIIKA!!”
All of a sudden, the world that was just oh so loud for her has gone completely quiet. Her eyes shot open, she dropped the blade onto her bed.
She snapped back into reality. The girl panicked, it felt almost like she was shrinking, becoming all small again, she just wanted to curl up into a little ball and stay just like that. Hidden from the rest of the world.
It was Hayakawa Kenshi, because of course it was.
Impeccable timing, Ken!
Her eyes met his in an instant, she looked like a deer caught in headlights; Ken stared for a bit, clearly very distressed, but he quickly snapped out of it. He needed to help her.
The boy knows that everyone has a medkit in a specific part of the bathroom, sure, he doesn't know where his is (because he has a tendency of misplacing things), but his memory is good enough as to where he remembers where it originally is supposed to be.
“Wait here—!” The boy hurriedly muttered, before stumbling into the bathroom. His hands wasted no time getting the medkit from inside the mirror cupboard in the bathroom, It’s just like he remembered. Once he had everything he needed, he paced his way back to where Riika was sitting to take out the contents of the medkit.
Yes, Ken saw her phone, and yes, he got a glimpse of a notification informing Riika that she has missed 30 calls. But he ignored it, now is not the time to worry about these things. Not when Riika is bleeding!
The shaky kitten just kept quiet, she was still trying to calm down from her panic attack. She could still feel it roaring inside of her, swallowing her whole. Her pain still persisted, all she wanted was to hold Ken and cry. She felt so vulnerable like this, so exposed and weak. The girl felt pathetic. “...go away….”, she muttered, regardless of her not actually wanting him to leave.
But it would be easier if he just did, wouldn’t it?
She can handle herself, can’t she? It wasn’t her first time self destructing, she’s had many panic attacks before, she was fine! What if this just ruins what they have? Konnishi doesn’t want to lose her best friend over what she’s done to herself.
And what if this changes his opinion on her? What if he treats her like glass after this? What if he starts hating her for being this fucking pathetic and cutting herself over a ringtone that she could've just silenced?
I guess you don't think of solutions like that when you're impulsive and panicked. Fuck.
The what if’s running through her head halted to a pause as Ken replied to her, not listening to her pleas, “Stay still, try to follow my breathing.” The boy looked at her for a bit, waiting for confirmation. And soon enough, she gave in. What choice did she have? He’s not leaving. She was grateful.
In truth, she doesn’t want him to leave. Konnishi wants someone there for her, especially Ken.
She doesn't need it, she thinks, but it's not like she has a choice anyway. Like a stray kitten taken in by a passer-by and after years of survival, being allowed to just live.
Or maybe that's dramatic, who knows?
First and foremost, he had to stop the bleeding. Riika tried her best to copy his breathing while he bandaged her cuts, taking out a clean, sterile pad and holding it against her wounds, rinse and repeat.
He then bandaged the wounds carefully, with shaky hands. He’s never bandaged someone else's wounds before, just his own. Though, his sister has definitely once bandaged him, she was the one that taught him. He hopes he did it well, but he had other priorities to focus on.
“Hey….”
Hayakawa muttered, in the softest tone you could think of. His eyes were as gentle as his voice, it was oddly soothing, almost comforting. Ken sat down right next to her, noticing how her breathing has since calmed down. Just a little, but it was helping. “How are you feeling?”
Konnishi wanted to say some passive aggressive reply, “take a wiiiild guess”, or something like that. But she didn’t have the energy, at all. She’s never had someone care for her like this in this specific situation. It was new and scary.
It was a good kind of new and scary.
Yes, on one hand, she felt guilty. The blonde didn’t wanna bother anyone with her issues, especially not Ken. Her pain is hers to bear, and she doesn’t want to bestow it on anyone else. And she felt like shit too, having someone take care of her it just… makes her feel weak.
But on the other hand, it's not that bad.The girl couldn’t help but feel calmer when being taken care of like this, and honestly, she is too exhausted to fight back anyways. Having someone actually care about her well-being feels nice, sue her!
To answer his question, she just laid her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. “Could be better.”
“Well I… could’ve guessed that…” The jittery guy replied, wrapping an arm around her carefully so as to not startle her. She was definitely still shaking. He was so worried.
Kenshi wanted to figure out what was wrong, he wanted to fully understand and care for her, to maybe try to find the right words to make her feel better. Because he cares about her, his heart aches when he remembers he’s still wearing that matching kitty hair clip she gave him.
He recalls naming it “Riikitty”. Konnishi just laughed at him, calling him a loser due to how corny the name is. He knew it was playful, though. She was one of the people he finds safe to be around, someone who he can laugh with or talk to without carefully picking his words. She doesn't hide or sugarcoat anything, and her jokes are always obvious so he doesn't misread them. It's easy for them to go back and forth in conversation, it's fun.
By using basic context clues, he guesses it has to do with her brother. He remembers her going on rants about how much he hates him, she never went into detail as to why (besides calling him a ‘jerk asshole’), so Ken just took it more as sibling banter.
…He was wrong, wasn’t he?
He would NEVER in a million years talk about his sister, Masuyo, this way. EVER. And he can’t lie and pretend he wasn’t shocked to hear Riika talk down about her brother like that.
Okay, he was REALLY worried now. What was her brother like? Is she in danger? Has he hurt her?
By this point, he was overthinking. If it was the calls that caused this, what if more come in? Ken should’ve turned her phone off…
A million questions were swirling around in his brain, but he couldn't get himself to ask them. It could hurt her, he has to focus on calming her down. She’s still scared, shaking…
Before Ken started spiraling, Riika spoke up,
“I’m sorry.”
her voice was small, like she would break if she talked too loudly. Ken only ached more at that, pulling her closer.
“Y-You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Uh… you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, really! But, if you do… I… I can listen. I-I might not know what to s-say but I can listen and try…? If it’s something that’s bothering you, I want you t-to reach out… I-I’m not saying it has to be me, but like, anyone!” The quiz show guy started his rambling, only being stopped when Konnishi winced.
“Are you oka—”
“It’s my brother.”
There’s no point in lying now, is there? She already complained about her brother to Ken many times, and she trusts Hayakawa. She really does. It still catches the boy off guard, but he lets her talk. “Y-Yeah?”
“He— he’s just been non-stop fucking calling me since I’ve gotten back to my dorm. I keep telling him to fuck off but–” Panic rises in her again, she was angry.
“GOD I DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.” She snaps, holding onto Ken’s collar for support, “I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TALKED TO HIM IN A MONTH, WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY EVEN BE MAD ABOUT? OH YEAH, NOTHING! Because he’s ALWAYS mad at me and he NEVER has a reason!! I always mind my own fucking business and then suddenly HE just gets all PISSY AT ME.” Riika was borderline yelling by now, facing Ken completely. She tried holding back her tears, she really did, but she couldn't.
“Don’t even get me STARTED ON MY MOM. Everytime my brother yells at me or even fucking hits me, it’s FINE cause he’s my BROTHER or whatever but when I YELL OR HIT HIM BACK, THEN I’M THE PROBLEM??? Oh so I should sit there and look pretty and let him do whatever he fucking wants??? She holds him on SUCH A HIGH PEDESTAL where she always assumes I did something to make him mad, that it’s MY fault! WHAT DID I EVEN DO???” The girl hit Ken, not hard or anything, but just to emphasise her point, her anger.
It wasn't long before tears started to rapidly flow down her face. The boy pulled her closer, letting her cry into his shoulder. He's trying so hard not to tear up as well. What the fuck was her brother putting her through? And her mom?
Her brother hurts her.
It made him unbelievably angry, his heart aching as he listened to the girl sob and wince. Her arms looked so bad, she didn't go easy on herself, and it's all because of her brother, someone who was supposed to love her.
Kenshi doesn't normally fantasize about hurting people, but now it's getting really hard not to think about beating the shit out of her brother after everything he heard. He doubts he’d be able to hold back. No one should ever hurt Riika.
He ran one of his hands through her messy hair, his other hand rubbing her back in an attempt at comforting her. “I’m sorry, Riri. I love you.” He muttered, trying to be as gentle with her as possible. Her wounds are still fresh.
Riika was still trembling, but now she was trying to calm down, trying to take meaningful breaths. It was a struggle, all her breaths came out shaky and she would still break out into small sobs, but she was trying. That's all that really mattered to Kenshi. He needs her to be okay.
“I… love you too, Ken…” She managed to reply, albeit shaky. I wish you were my brother.
.
.
.
“You're still wearing that stupid thing?” The gang leader pointed at this head, poking his hairclip.
“Well, duh? You're wearing it too.” He countered back, by now, Riika has calmed down a bit. The two were both laying on the bed next to each other. “Does yours have a name?”
Riika rolls her eyes and scoffs, “Maybe. It's corny, though.”
“Pfft, yeah?”
“Kittyken.” She internally cringed at herself.
.
.
.
“Loser.”
Konnishi sent him the most pissed off glare before the two burst into laughter.
“Shuuuut upppp.” Riika kicked his leg in between giggles.
“Owie!” Kenshi flinched, kicking her back, albeit much weaker cause he didn't want to hurt her.
“The consequences of your actions! Wh- DON'T KICK ME BACK????” She kicks him again, “also who the fuck says OWIE after they get hit???”
“D-Don’t judge my vocabulary! I was caught off guard!” He bit back, refusing to kick her any longer. Now it makes her feel like she's kicking an already kicked puppy. He did this on purpose!!!! Evil!!!
The girl retracted her leg, moving to lay on her side, “Whatever!” she slightly winced as she switched sides. She was more comfortable now, at least.
A wave of silence hit the two, just being comfortable in each other's presence. The silence caused Riika to think, perking up at him slightly,
“...Wait, so why did you come to my room anyway?”
“O-Oh..” Kenshi looked away slightly, his face toned with his signature blush. “Well I.. just wanted to hang out, I guess? And you weren't answering my knocking so I wanted to see if your door was locked… s-sorry for barging in…!”
The gang leader laughed earnestly at that, “Dude, I break into your room through your window for fun, I don't care that you barged in. The timing wasn't great, though.”
“Disagree. I got to comfort you.” He smiled, looking back at her with his soft puppy eyes.
“Oh whatever, don't be so sappy.” She scoffed, looking away before muttering, “Thank you, though…”
“Anytime.”