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“Fernella, these grades are not acceptable,” Mama sighed as she glanced over the report card once again, “I know school is hard, but you didn't even try to do a lot of these assignments.”
Mama continued her lecture but Fern started to tune her out. She wished her Mama understood that it didn't matter, her grades would be bad no matter what. She used to take notes, study and listen as best as she could, but as soon as it was time to show what she learned, all the information she worked so hard to learn would vanish from her mind. It was simply a waste of time and a huge amount of stress for her to keep trying that hard when it changed nothing. Mama snapped her fingers, commanding Fern’s attention once more, “Fernella, are you listening to me? You need to take this seriously, if you don't start doing better in school I'm going to have to cancel your music lessons and have you start tutoring sessions instead.”
Fernella's heart dropped, she looked up at her mama with big sad eyes. She can't take away music, that's the only thing I have. Why can't she just accept that I'm bad at school and I'll be bad no matter what? I'm not good at anything besides music so how could she say she'll take that away from me? Doesn't she care about me? Fern opened her mouth to speak, to try to explain but nothing would come out. Why? Why now? I thought I was getting better so why can't I say anything? A frown started to grow across Mama's face as she crossed her arms. Fernella's chest started to feel tight, as if she couldn't breathe. A panic began to run through her and her hands began to shake. She darted her gaze around the room, unsure of what she was looking for, she just needed something, anything to distract her from the uneasy feeling that was growing inside of her. Beep-beep! The timer for the oven started to go off. Mama went to turn it off and pull dinner out before it could burn. As soon as Mama wasn't in her line of sight anymore, Fern ran out the door. She didn't know why she started running, she just knew she needed to get away. She felt if she stayed in that house a second longer that it would consume her. She kept running, not knowing or caring where she was going. Tears poured from her eyes as she sprinted through the streets. Why is everything so hard? Why can't I be normal? Why am I so dumb? I make everything worse. I should just disappear. Everything would be better if I wasn't there. I want to go away forever.
Fern ran and ran until her legs gave out from under her. She stayed crumpled on the ground for a moment. Her lungs burned and her legs stung. After a few moments, she slowly stood back up, her legs wobbling under her. Taking in her surroundings she started to panic again, her feet had taken her to a wooded area. How could they betray her like that? Didn't they know she was afraid of the forest? Thankfully it at least seemed familiar. After a few more minutes she realized she had run all the way to the trail that led to the bridge, Qiu's ‘special’ place. Fern willed her legs to work and walked to the bridge, she could at least sit under the bridge until she could decide what to do next. The bridge was way less scary than the rest of the woods. She tried her best to carefully go down the slick stone steps, but her jelly legs made that extremely hard. Somehow she managed to safely make it down the stairs, she found herself a nice spot to tuck herself away under the bridge. Pulling her legs to her chest, she hugged them tight as she rested her head on her knees.
Meanwhile, Mama pulled her famous casserole from the oven. She was starting to regret saying she'd cancel Fernalla's music lessons, she knew that was one of the few joys Fern had. “Hey Fernella? I'm sorry for what I said about canceling your lessons. That wasn't fair.” Mama looked out over her shoulder, biting her lip as she waited to see if her words would pull Fern into the kitchen. “You can definitely do your lessons and have a tutor on another day. I know everything has been so hard, but it's not your fault and its my job to help you.” Fern still hadn't come out, it was suspiciously quiet, so Mama walked over to check on her. Mama was not expecting to see the front door wide open and her daughter nowhere to be seen. She rushed to the front door, scanning the cul-de-sac for any signs of her daughter. “Fernella?! Are you out here? Please let's talk!” Mama shouted, but nothing stirred. She ran back inside and up the stairs, praying that Fernella had gone to her room, that it was just a coincidence that the front door was open. However it was empty. Just like the rest of the house, Mama was the only one in it. Oh no, this isn't good, I shouldn't have pushed her. Oh my god what if she ran off and got lost? She's so quiet, it would be so hard to find her. I'm not sure she'd be able to answer even if she did hear someone calling out. No-I can't think like that. Maybe she's with Tamarack or Qiu, yeah that's got to be it, she's a good girl, she wouldn't have gone far alone. Mama kept reassuring herself as she headed to the Bauman's house. Unfortunately Mrs. Bauman hadn't seen Fernella but promised to say if she did. The same with the Lin's. Although Mrs. Lin did take a moment to check with Qiu, who was having a boys club meeting in his hideout.
“Qiu, Fernella isn't there with you, is she?” Mrs. Lin asked, concern clear in her voice, “Mrs. Jones is looking for her. Do you know where she might have gone?”
“What? No, I haven't seen Fern since school,” Qiu glanced at his club who also shook their heads, “is something wrong?”
“There's nothing for you to worry about,” Mrs. Lin tried to reassure the group, “us adults will figure it out, just let us know if you see her or know where she went.”
“This isn't like Fern, why would she go off on her own?” Qiu was thinking out loud more than he was talking to his club, “She’s probably so afraid right now, what if she got lost? I have to-”
“Fernella is missing! We have to look for her!” Tamarack shouted as she ran towards the base of the lookout, “Opa is going to look in the woods and I’m going with him, Qiu you should take your bike to search the neighborhood.”
“This sounds serious,” Baxter frowned, even if he felt indifferent about Fern that didn’t mean he wanted anything bad to happen to her. From the look on Darren’s face, Baxter could tell his fellow club member was also concerned, “all three of us can ride around and look for her. If we split up we can cover more ground that way.”
Qiu would search by the school, Baxter would look in town, and Darren would check his street. The group let the Lins and Fern’s mama know and then they took off to their designated searching zones. Darren reached his destination first, he slowed his bike as he scanned the area for any traces of the missing child. For a girl as quiet and small as her she could easily go unnoticed, well besides the fact that she often wore bright green clothing. Her signature lime colored sweater was the first thing Darren noticed about her. Well actually what he noticed was a bright green blur as she dove to hide behind Tamarack. The first time he met her he actually didn’t see very much of her, not that he had wanted to in the first place. Since then he’s seen her a few times when he hangs out with Qiu. He noticed how Fernella seems to always be covered in bandaids. He also noticed that she never speaks. She occasionally will gesture or give a nod, but she never opens her mouth to speak. At first he liked that she never spoke, it meant that he didn’t have to try to interact with her, however over time he started to notice the sad, deflated look in her eyes. She wanted to speak but something stopped her every time. Darren didn’t know why but also figured it was best to let her be. As he continued his search, he noticed his older brother, Devin, walking home. Biking over Darren called out, “Hey you haven’t seen a girl wearing green have you? She has brown hair and she’s pretty short.”
“Actually I did, she was running towards the mountain trail. That’s actually why I came back was to let Mom and Dad know” Devin answered but he was confused, first how did Darren know that girl, and secondly why did he seem to care, he didn’t talk to girls. The look on Darren’s face made him decide not to ask right then, “I tried to call out but I don’t think she heard me. I also tried to go after her but I lost sight of her. She’s really fast for someone that small.”
Darren didn’t even respond, he just took off on his bike racing towards the trail. Why would she go there? Isn’t she afraid of the woods? I mean she’s afraid of everything but I specifically remember the look on her face when we first went there. I had never seen someone look that scared before. I hope she stayed on the trail, she could get lost or worse she could fall. What happened that would cause her to run away? Is it related to the reason she doesn’t speak? I thought she was just shy and weird. Darren made it to the trail head, dropping his bike near the back of the diner. He started up the path on foot, keeping his eyes peeled for any signs of Fern. A brightly colored bandaid laying on the ground was all the confirmation he had needed to know that she had gone this way. Something told him that he should go towards the bridge. The closer he got the more anxious he grew, he was regretting not finding Qiu or Baxter before coming here. What was he supposed to say or do if he did find her? They had never even spoken to one another, what if him being the one to find her made things worse. It was too late to turn around now though. He stopped at the beginning of the bridge and looked around. There was no one around, and no fallen bandages laying about. Still that gut feeling remained, she had to be here. Darren started down the steps, about halfway he froze. Just barely he could see Ferns green shoes and pink legwarmers under the bridge. Slowly he continued down the stairs and towards the underside of the bridge. There she was, tucked into herself so tightly that she appeared even smaller than usual. Her hair was even more wild than it usually was, her scrunchies barely keeping her pigtails intact. The sleeves of her sweater were dirty and her shoes scuffed.
“Fernella? I-uh-its Darren,” he didn’t want to scare her so he spoke as gently as possible. He didn’t really know what to do or say. She popped her head up, her eyes wide and her cheeks tear stained. She looked like a baby deer stuck in headlights. Darren put his hands up reassuringly as he crouched down in front of her, making sure to leave plenty of distance between them. He wasn’t really sure what to say, but felt compelled to try to help her anyway. He searched his mind and tried to think of what his mother or Qiu would say, “It’s okay. I’m not sure what happened, but I’ll stay with you until you want to go home.” Fern’s eyes started to water, she opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Somehow she looked even sadder now. Darren’s stomach dropped, he was trying to help, not make things worse. “I’m sorry. I’m sure I’m the last person you wanted to-” before Darren could finish he was cut off, Fernella had launched herself from her tight ball and was now grasping onto his vest. Unsure of what to do next, he sort of just froze, arms up as if he was surrendering and his mouth open. He could feel that she was trembling. Unconsciously Darren had started to rub her back, when he had noticed what he was doing he was stunned. He noticed that she had stopped shaking though so he figured the least he could do was continue to comfort her even if it was awkward. Usually he couldn't be bothered to even think about her, let alone care for her, but at that moment Darren started to view Fern differently. She wasn't just some girl Qiu was neighbors with. She was someone he wanted to protect. She seemed so fragile, like a doll made of glass one wrong move might shatter her. While Darren couldn't put an exact label on his new found feelings towards her, one thing was clear, it was platonic. He found himself wondering if this is what it felt like to have a younger sister. Before he could dwell on how he felt, he could just barely hear a soft voice. “T-thank you for fi-finding me. I'm s-s-sorry I'm such a b-bother.” Fernella had spoken to him? Darren did not know how to respond to that, however for some reason his body did. He grabbed her shoulders to move her back just enough so she could see his face. His eyes were gentle and his expression was reassuring, now Fern was the one who was shocked. She didn't know Darren could look like that, and especially not have it being directed at her. When Qiu intentionally said that one day she might look up to Darren she never expected that to be true. But in that moment it was clear that he was someone she could rely on. “Can you t-take me home? I-I don't know the way back.”
“Yeah, my bike is at the beginning of the trail,” Darren nodded as he brought himself and Fern to their feet, “I’ll give you a ride back.”