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It is a fantastically dull day (or night, or mid-evening; no one in the block is keeping particularly consistent track of time at the moment) on the meteor. Nothing has of interest has happened recently. Karkat and Kanaya are seated on opposite ends of the couch reading what appears to be, to the best of anyone’s cultural knowledge, an Alternian novel that resembles the plot of The Fault In Our Stars. There is great cultural relevance to this novel, Kanaya will swear if questioned.
Rose is knitting an amorphous shape out of the novelty yarn someone finally managed to alchemize. She has given up on more traditional applications of alchemy at this point and is mostly outsourcing any requests she has to anyone willing to suffer the alchemiter.
Terezi and Vriska are absolutely nowhere to be found, which is definitely contributing to the dull state of the day and will absolutely be contributing to the inevitable forthcoming chaos. All in good time.
Dave stated, a matter of hours ago, that he was going on a snack run. He has been missing for just long enough that, in the spare moments not actively consumed by pondering troll TFiOS, Karkat has begun to feel a vague sense of dread.
Kanaya is unbothered. This is her fourth time rereading this book and she is nothing if not dedicated to her cause.
DAVE: hey
Rose inhales sharply through her nose. She shouldn’t have been startled, but Dave has such a manner of sneaking up. Mad ninja skills, he calls it. Anyone else would, and does, call it the result of questionable parenting.
KANAYA: Are You Here To Finally Join Our Book Club
KANAYA: There Are Snacks
KARKAT: KANAYA THAT IS A BLATANT LIE.
KANAYA: In Theory If One Were To Bring Snacks There Would Be Snacks
DAVE: you really havent upped your snack game in the past year
DAVE: damn rip to yall but im different
This is the point where everyone would usually expect Dave to empty his sylladex of an unsettling array of snacks. Last week he manifested a Dorito that shared most of its qualities with Chalk Grist, which was significantly worse than the other, Build Grist inspired Dorito from a few months ago.
Karkat takes a moment to actually look over to where Dave had entered the room. He’s... holding something. Or hiding something. Karkat squints. Yeah, he’s definitely hiding something in the pockets of his god tier hoodie.
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU HAVE.
Dave grins, pulling his hands out of his pocket. Cupped delicately in one hand is-
KARKAT: IS THAT A FUCKING FROG?
DAVE: hell yeah its a frog
Kanaya is on her feet and halfway across the room in a second. Dave stiffens slightly as she’s suddenly right next to him. Goddamn space vampires.
KANAYA: Dave Where Did You Find This Frog I Am Concerned For Its Wellbeing
KANAYA: How Long Has He Existed
KANAYA: How Did We Miss This
Finally, Rose deems the situation pressing enough to investigate. She looks up from her project, takes a critical glance over everything and then another critical glance through her powers, and decides that this simply isn’t worth her time. This seems like a Knight and Space player problem.
DAVE: appearifier lab
KARKAT: OH, THE BROKEN ONE? THE BROKEN PIECE OF EQUIPMENT THAT NO ONE SHOULD BE USING, ESPECIALLY AFTER IT WAS USED TO CHANNEL UNRESTRAINED GOD TIER LIGHT POWERS? THAT APPEARIFIER LAB?
DAVE: yep precisely
DAVE: that exact appearifier in fact great memory for our past activities and expository bullshit
KARKAT: IF I WALK INTO THE LAB AND IT’S CHOCK FUCKING FULL OF RIBBITCLOWN ASSCROAK FROGS, THEY ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
DAVE: hm
KANAYA: Do You Suppose There Are More
DAVE: oh yeah shit what if lil buddy here wants a friend
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I LIKE THE WAY YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE FROG.
KARKAT: WE DON’T NEED A FROG.
The frog in question is being held out by Dave, with Kanaya very gently touching its hand with her clawtip.
DAVE: hes giving you a handshake
DAVE: he says its nice to meet you
KANAYA: Well I Am Absolutely Charmed To Meet Such A Handsome Little Fellow
KARKAT: GUYS?
KARKAT: IT’S A FUCKING FROG.
DAVE: hey now dont call him an it
KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE I’M ENTERING SOME STATE OF DELIRIOUS MADNESS DISTINCT FROM THE USUAL STATE OF DELIRIOUS MADNESS I’M ALWAYS EXPERIENCING BECAUSE OF EVERYONE HERE. ROSE, ARE YOU SEEING THIS TOO?
Rose has decaptchalogued a pair of headphones to better ignore the unfolding amphibian situation. They’re one of Dave’s creations combined with a long-ago snapshot of Jasper’s fancy little taxidermized corpse, so they’re now a sleek matte grey with snazzy cat ears perched on top. No one wants to ask if they’re faux fur or actual taxidermy. Everyone has independently come to the conclusion that they’ll simply be happier not knowing.
KARKAT: ROSE?
KARKAT: OH.
KANAYA: Please Tell Me He Has A Name
DAVE: oh fuck youre so right he does need a name
Rifling through the Tips and Tricks subcategory of his Sburb overlay, Dave finds the ISBN (Intersession Sburb Book Number) of what was originally a pre-session website one of them had looked up on baby names. This was folded into Sburb’s library upon entry and interspersed into the texts in various libraries around the planets and moons.
As soon as he finds the text, he’s gone. Kanaya tilts her head slightly at the frog that has now been deposited safely within her hands.
KANAYA: Where Do You Suppose Hes Gone
KARKAT: I REALLY DON’T THINK I WANT TO BE PART OF THIS ANYMORE. DO I GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO OPT OUT AT ANY POINT OR IS THIS JUST THE SHAPE OF OUR ETERNAL SUFFERING NOW?
As soon as Karkat complains, Dave is back. The amount of time he was gone doesn’t match up at all with how far he had to travel to make it to the main alchemy lab, pointing at a low-level Time ability being utilized.
He triumphantly holds up a book.
BehindTheFrog, it reads.
DAVE: baby names website and and frog breeding guide
DAVE: suck it lalonde i have the best alchemy sense
KARKAT: SENSIBLY ENOUGH, SHE’S EXTRACTED HERSELF FROM THE SITUATION.
DAVE: were about to read through the most fantastic array of frog names out there
DAVE: are you ready
KARKAT: I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE. HELL, EVEN THE VENTS MIGHT BE A BETTER OPTION THAN THIS EXACT MOMENT IN TIME AND SPACE.
DAVE: hoppy
DAVE: hopscotch
DAVE: hopson
KARKAT: HURTLING THROUGH THE VAST EXPANSES OF PARADOX SPACE *WITHOUT* THE ASSISTANCE AND ALLEGED SANCTUARY OF THE METEOR IS ALSO RAPIDLY GAINING IN POPULARITY.
DAVE: hip hop
DAVE: jumpy
DAVE: jumpson
KANAYA: Those Are Some Incredibly Subpar Frog Names
DAVE: kermit
DAVE: okay thats a lame one
KANAYA: How Is That Any More Or Less Lame Than The Preceding Names
KANAYA: Why Does That One In Particular Merit The First Individualized Comment You Have Given Out Of The Batch
DAVE: its such a stereotype
DAVE: oh name the frog kermit wowie what a brilliant name
KARKAT: WE’RE CLEARLY MISSING SOME KIND OF CULTURAL CONTEXT. AGAIN, LOOK AT ME, BRINGING THIS UP RATHER THAN ALLOWING YOU TO CONTINUE TO PRATTLE ON LIKE A PAN-DEAD BITCHASS. KNOW THAT I AM SO GENEROUS TO BE INVOLVING MYSELF IN THIS MISERABLE CONVERSATION.
DAVE: oh my god you guys dont have troll the muppets do you
KARKAT: ...IF I SAY YES OF COURSE WE HAVE TROLL THE MUPPETS, WILL YOU DROP THE SUBJECT?
DAVE: absolutely not because thats an utter lie
DAVE: movie night this week is muppets themed
DAVE: youve been preemptively warned
KARKAT: AND I WILL PREEMPTIVELY BE NOT SHOWING UP!
DAVE: thats not how preempting works
DAVE: get with the program man
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.
DAVE: schedule it into the shipping grid i am preoccupied with mister froggy right now
KARKAT: SEE, I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE NEVER BEFORE SHOWN ANY TYPE OF INCLINATION TOWARDS ASININE COOING OVER SMALL, BIG HEADED WILDLIFE OR OTHER THINGS THAT ARE IN YOUR CULTURE CONSIDERED “CUTE” AND IN MY CULTURE CONSIDERED CULLBAIT.
DAVE: what can i say
DAVE: frogs are cool little fuckers
DAVE: look at his little webbed hands thats neat as shit
Karkat begins to ponder the mythological roles involved in the idiocy. See, he had, at one point, assumed that Knights were meant to help out with the Genesis Frog quest.
DAVE: i think the best name for him has to be a pun that no one else gets because its part of human culture rather than any troll shit
DAVE: rose doesnt count because shes equally uncultured but in a directly opposite way from me
KANAYA: Which Remarkably Does Not Cancel Out To Create One Properly Cultured Individual But Instead Results In Whatever Pair Of Disaster Human Beings We Appear To Be Eternally Haunted By
DAVE: what names can i put frog into and make it into a sickass pun
When they had been completing the Genesis Frog project in his session (which he refuses to further consider his use of the term “completing”, thank you very much), Kanaya had been pretty intense about the frogs. In his opinion, that was fair. Evidently Sgrub had needed to instill some sense of caring about the quest objective into the main player involved, and that was fine. Another example of Sgrub’s pan-fuckery? Yes. But it had at least made sense with the chosen player. It was not totally out of character for what he might have expected from Kanaya, known for fussing over things incessantly. It made absolutely perfect sense coming from Jade, who, as far as he could tell, was always interested in funny wildlife and whatever pseudoscientific bullshit the game was parading around as allegedly compiling gene sequences.
But Dave Strider? Who had built his entire identity around trying to seem cool?
DAVE: aww look at the lil guy this is my new best bro we gotta come up with the most kickass cool kid name ever for you
Strider was now reduced to cooing over a slimy amphibian and causing Karkat to reevaluate his thoughts on the correct party composition for the frog breeding duties.
In his own session, he had logically concluded that as the only sane troll involved in the entire operation, aside from maybe Kanaya and honestly even that was a stretch sometimes, he was definitely meant to be included in the process of creating the genesis frog. Genesis Frog? He isn’t sure if it’s supposed to be a proper noun or not.
He was, after all, technically the session leader by whatever bullshit metric that information was chosen by. That had seemed logical with the title of Knight, given that none of the other Sburban archetypes provided seemed in the slightest suited to leadership. Well, he supposed Prince must have some connection with royalty but he disqualified Eridan immediately from anything relayed to leadership based on the sole condition of him being, well, Eridan. Actually, now that he put some thought into it, Heir could also involve leadership but... again, Equius was disqualified for being Equius.
DAVE: it is decided
DAVE: aristoadle
KANAYA: Dare I Ask Why
KANAYA: Is He Not A Frog Rather Than The Similar But Sufficiently Different Toad
KANAYA: I Mean Here I Am Assuming That Humans Also Have The Same Frog Toad Distinction But I Think That Is A Fair Assumption Given How Sburb Is About Frogs
KANAYA: All Toads Are Frogs Yet Not All Frogs Are Toads
DAVE: yeah no we also have the same toad square frog rectangle situation going on
DAVE: its ironic
Kanaya frowns, worrying at her lip with her fangs for a moment before settling on nodding wisely. It is, in her opinion, wisest to not get between Dave and his definition of irony.
KANAYA: Please Impart The Cultural Significance Of This Figure Onto Me
KANAYA: I Must Understand The Meaning Behind His Name
DAVE: okay so
DAVE: aristotle
DAVE: which side note does NOT rhyme with chipotle which was disappointing to me when i learned that
DAVE: probably doenst make any sense since im speaking these words out loud but know that aristotle and chipotle are spelled in a way that makes it look like they should rhyme and make some sickass raps possible
DAVE: but no theyre actually from completely different language families or at least one is a whole lot older than the other since aristotle is greek as shit and chipotle is a mexican seasoning
DAVE: and also a massive chain restaurant but earth is destroyed so i can no longer visit the industrialized diarrhea complex masquerading as fake as shit mexican food
KANAYA: Dave-
DAVE: you know im not even sure if chipotle had any chipotles anywhere on the menu or in the food
DAVE: isnt that a hell of a ripoff i would expect better
DAVE: not like i could afford to go there i just know it exists from like cultural context clues and going in person once or twice with totally legitimate money that was obtained in legal methods
DAVE: they had all sorts of lettuce recalls because i guess its hard to get lettuce that isnt full of salmonella or actual literal live scorpions or whatever lettuce was recalled for
KANAYA: Dave-
DAVE: where the fuck does lettuce even come from
DAVE: but ANYWAYS aristotle was a philosopher
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.
KARKAT: START THE PRESSES AND READY THE HEADLINES. STRIDER HAS, FOR ONCE IN HIS GODFORSAKEN IMMORTAL LIFE, MANAGED TO GET TO THE POINT ON HIS OWN. WITHOUT OUTSIDE PROMPTING.
KANAYA: Are You Truly Going To Discount My Valient Attempts
KARKAT: YES. ATTEMPTS TO REDIRECT CONVERSATION ONLY COUNT IF THERE IS A REACTION. YOU KNOW THIS. WE’VE OUTLINED RULES ON DAVE STRIDER RANT SLASH EXTENDED METAPHOR BINGO.
KANAYA: It Is A Very Productive Group Meeting Activity
KANAYA: Although It Is Still Slightly Surpassed By Karkat Tantrum Bingo
KARKAT: I STILL HATE THAT YOU HAVE MULTIPLE BOARDS PRINTED OUT FOR VARIOUS COPLAYER INSERT-BAD-HABIT-HERE BINGO. REALLY, DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?
KANAYA: No Not Particularly
KANAYA: Regardless The Contents Of Coplayer Insert Bad Habit Here Bingo Are Not My Doing And You Know This
KANAYA: I Simply Designed The Bingo Squares To Be Adequately Appealing Given That Everyone Else Seems To Lack A Basic Sense Of Aesthetics
DAVE: does that count for a square on kanaya fussiness bingo
KANAYA: No
KARKAT: LISTEN TO ME WITH YOUR SHITTY HEAR DUCTS AND CONTEMPLATE COMPREHENDING WHAT I SAY FOR ONCE.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW I DON’T WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS WHATSOEVER, BUT YOU *ALSO* KNOW DAMN WELL THAT ONE OF YOUR SQUARES IS “IMPLYING ANY LEVEL OF DISDAIN FOR YOUR COPLAYERS’ AESTHETIC TASTES”.
KANAYA: No It Doesnt Count Still
DAVE: how are you gonna argue this one
KANAYA: There Was No Implication
KANAYA: That Was A Plainly Stated Opinion
KANAYA: No Veiling My Feelings Involved Whatsoever
Aristoadle wriggles in Dave’s grasp, letting out a loud croak and immediately redirecting all attention to himself.
DAVE: ohhh buddy what do you have to tell us
DAVE: impart your froggy wisdom onto us
KANAYA: Really Are There Any Other Frogs We Should Be Concerned As To The Wellbeing Of
DAVE: its lame as shit that all this genesis frog hunt shit didnt come with a talking to frogs skill tree to spec points into
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. SBURB LITERALLY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE REWARDS FOR THAT AMPHIBIAN NONSENSE.
DAVE: the
DAVE: the genesis frog quest?
DAVE: that i got hella echeladder points for?
KARKAT: DO YOU CARE TO ELABORATE OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO ACT LIKE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COMMONEST OF COMMON KNOWLEDGE LIKE WITH EVERY OTHER SHITTY WORD YOU SAY. IS THIS ANOTHER COMMITMENT TO A BIT I SOMEHOW HAVEN’T HEARD YOU MENTION YET?
KANAYA: No I Am Aware Of The Genesis Frog Questline As Well
KANAYA: Karkat We Completed This Quest Together
KANAYA: You Were There
KARKAT: I MEAN YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, I DEALT WITH ALL THOSE RIBBITY FUCKERS RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, BUT-
KANAYA: Yes The Genesis Frog Questline
KANAYA: Or I Suppose It Was Called Frog Forager In The Quests And Objectives Menu-
KARKAT: KANAYA, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
KANAYA: Did You Not-
KANAYA: Karkat Did You Not Have The Actual Quests Available To You
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: IF I SAY NO, IS IT GOING TO MAKE THIS WEIRD?
KANAYA: Dave You Had Access To This Quest Correct
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: where do you think i got onto the frog skill tree rant from
KANAYA: Alright So That Proves It Isnt Just The Space Players Able To Access It
KANAYA: Karkat
KANAYA: Did You
KANAYA: Perhaps
KANAYA: Just Arbitrarily Assign Yourself To Frog Duties Once You Learned About It
KARKAT: UH.
DAVE: are you fucking kidding me you just decided on a goddamn whim that you were going to submerge yourself into soggy froggy hell?
DAVE: cause i had a quest objective
DAVE: like
DAVE: the game definitely told me to go feel up some frogs
DAVE: and feel them up i did
KANAYA: Dave Thats Weird Dont Say It Like That
KARKAT: IT SEEMED LIKE A LOGICAL EXTENSION OF MY DUTIES-
DAVE: what fucking duties
DAVE: the reason i was assigned to froggyquest 2009 was because i could do the time loop thing and get it all done
DAVE: yeah frogs are super cool but the game assigned the quest to me for realsies
DAVE: i had just kinda assumed something was different in your session
DAVE: like you had plenty of time and didnt need any help on that front or something
DAVE: maybe your frogs needed some power of friendship or whatever the hell else it is that blood players do
KANAYA: No No We Very Much Could Have Used More Time On Our Frog Quest
DAVE: so did aradia like not have the quest or
KANAYA: Quite Frankly I Do Not Know
KANAYA: I Was Not Actually Aware That Karkat Was Never Assigned The Questline By Skaia
KANAYA: Aradia Was Mostly Busy With Time Player Duties And Um Not Very Much Else At All To Be Quite Honest
KANAYA: Apart From The Brief Interlude Of Killing Vriska
KANAYA: ...Karkat Do You Have Any Additional Insight Into This Situation Youre Being Uncharacteristically Quiet
The entire time this conversation has been going on, Karkat has been sitting with a growing sense of dread and unease. Had he really just... mistakenly assigned himself frog duties for no real or comprehensible reason?
Aristoadle ribbits and Dave slightly loosens his grip on the frog without visibly reacting in any other way.
Pieces begin falling into place.
KARKAT: NONE OF YOU HERPETOFAUNA FONDLERS EVEN NATURALLY LIKE FROGS, DO YOU?
The answers roll in without even a split second of hesitation.
DAVE: oh hell no frogs are rad as fuck dont badmouth them
KANAYA: I Just Think Theyre Neat
Karkat puts his head in his hands. Of course there was an extra level of Sburb bullshittery that he somehow hadn’t seen. Frankly, he’s shocked he never realized this before.
KARKAT: HEY GUYS, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FACT THAT SBURB IS KNOWN FOR SUBTLY INFLUENCING ITS PLAYERS INTO BEHAVING IN WAYS THAT BENEFIT IT? REMEMBER HOW MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE GONE UTTERLY MUSCLEBEASTSHIT INSANE OVER THEIR SUPPOSED LACK OF CONTROL DUE TO THE PARTIALLY DETERMINISTIC GODDAMN NATURE OF THE ENTIRE COURSE OF THE UNIVERSE??
KARKAT: DO YOU GUYS THINK THAT MAYBE, JUST FUCKING PERHAPS, YOUR INTEREST IN FROGS IS SOMEHOW RELATED TO THAT?
It had never been a Knight duty to interact with the frogs. Holy shit. He had chalked Aradia’s penchant for frogs up to the fact that she was literally also a frog but... she wasn’t even an actual goddamn frog. He slumps further down in the couch.
KARKAT: SHE’S NOT EVEN A REAL FUCKING FROG. SHE WAS PART FROG *STATUE* AND STILL RIBBITTING LIKE HER AFTERLIFE DEPENDED ON IT.
DAVE: uh are you doing okay
KANAYA: Be Gentle I Think Hes Experiencing Revelations About The Fundamental Nature Of The Entire Universe Suffered By Sburb Players
Every single Time and Space player was narratively predisposed to being a frog fanatic for simple gameplay reasons. He was never supposed to be even slightly involved in the frog breeding, which apparently had an entire associated questline and actual rewards.
...He had dealt with so much frog nonsense for absolutely nothing.
Twelve hours from now, Karkat will still be stuck in the exact same position, contemplating the fundamental nature of the entire universe suffered by Sburb players. Twelve hours from now, Rose will still be dutifully ignoring all of the frog nonsense occurring in her proximity. Twelve hours from now, Kanaya and Dave will have constructed an elaborate terrarium for their collective new best friend and have moved on to debating the ethics of trying to create even more frogs for him to live with. Twelve hours from now, Terezi and Vriska will have returned from whatever non-frog-related nonsense they’ve been getting up to and consequently make everyone’s lives significantly more chaotic.
In the present, Karkat lets out a noise of absolute agony.
He had dealt with so much frog nonsense for absolutely fucking nothing.