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Lukey knows Pangi is straight. He has stated it time and time again. And naturally, Lukey respects this!
But selfishly… he had hoped that there was something more. He hoped that those fanfics he read held some sort of truth in them. He hoped that, despite what Pangi might say, there could be more…
That they could be more.
Too many times have they woken up cuddling together (they’d never mention it after). Too many times did they play with each others hair or trace circles on the others back. Too many times did they fall asleep on call together.
Too many times Lukey has looked at Pangi like he was his world (because he is), and Lukey could swear Pangi looked at him the same way. It wasn’t copium, trust. They just… clicked. Complimented each other so well.
But, Lukey would never let that get to him.
He was lucky enough that he could spend so much time with the guy. He couldn’t ruin this!
So for his best friend, he ignored his feelings. He ignored the guilt he got from the butterflies he’d feel any time that man laughed or grinned with his big stupid smile.
God his smile.
Lukey was lucky. He knew this. He shouldn’t test his luck any further. So he chose to just let it all go (or tried to at least).
Until one day, Pangi had decided to stay at Lukey’s place for a weekend. It was a most welcomed surprise, chat may have almost loved it more than them.
After the festivities and the streams, the two found themselves in Lukey’s room. A bit tipsy, of course.
Lukey would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted to drink more (or maybe he just wanted to see Pangi’s face more flushed and his voice more broken with giggles).
But with much resistance, he settled for relaxing in bed. Next to Pangi.
Again.
Goddamn it. How did this happened again, Lukey thought. The two were just enjoying each others silent company, and Lukey was trying to calm his aggressive heart. He was so tempted to say something just to drown out the noise.
As some sort of saving grace, Pangi spoke.
“Hey, Lucas?” He asked with hesitation.
“Yeah? What’s up, dude?” Lukey held back his concern. Why did Pangi seem so skittish suddenly?
“I… I’m glad to have met you, man. Like, genuinely.”
Lukey’s heart almost spilled out his pores. “Aweee Sem- I’m glad I met you too!”
“What uh… what inspired this wholesome moment? How much did you drink, Sem?” Lukey said with a giggle.
“Dude shut up I’m just trying to be nice here.” Pangi said with a fake pout.
“I know I know- I’m just messin’ witcha!” Lukey said with a charming, yet sleepy grin.
He paused for a moment.
“I’m… glad you came by.”
Pangi turned to his side, maybe to get more comfortable? Lukey felt nervous suddenly now that he was being watched. Maybe he did drink a bit too much.
“I’m glad I did too!! Chat went fucking crazy, dude.” Pangi said with pride.
“Yup, and so did the Brighton crew… I don’t think I’m living this one down.”
Pangi laughed at Lukey’s exaggerated sigh. There it is, he thought. Lukey loved that sound.
“Lucas?”
Suddenly, something in the air changed. It was back to the beginning of the convo. Lukey hadn’t even realized that the pressure eased until now.
“Sem.”
“You wouldn’t judge me, right?”
Lukey turned over too now.
What was this kid on about? Of course he wouldn’t. He would bury a body for this guy and get the two of them tickets somewhere far away and live with him off grid if it came to it.
“Of course, dude. What’s up?”
“I uh… you…” Pangi was struggling to find his words. Although this worried Lukey, he took the time to admire the way his best friend’s face scrunched up when he was thinking hard.
Then, after what felt like forever…
“You mean a lot to me.” Pangi finally blurred out.
Oh. Ok.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Is… that all you want to say?”
Lukey doesn’t know where the boldness came from. He’d blame it on the alcohol but suddenly he feels more sober than ever.
“Well I… ugh I don’t know, dude!!”
Pangi was getting frustrated. But not at Lukey, and he knew this.
“I think… I think you mean more to me than I want to admit.” Pangi expressed.
His hands gripped Lukey’s bedsheets like it was his life line. While Lukey looked at him like he was the only hope left in the world.
He hated seeing his best friend in distress, and who is Lukey if not a problem solver? So, after having a 10 second long inner war with himself, he had an idea. A risky one, but an idea.
“Ok. How about this. Sem, would you judge me?”
Pangi’s eyes widened.
“What?? Of course not!!” Pangi’s voice rose like even the concept of it insulted him.
“Ok then.” Lukey took a deep breath. He’s doing this now, he supposes.
“You… you mean the world to me, Sem. And it’s not that I’m not willing to admit it, but I’m scared to say it.”
Pangi laid in silence. There was no judgement in his eyes. His expression was quite hard to read, actually. It was driving Lukey insane. Please say something, he thought. Please.
“Why?” Pangi finally said.
“…why?” Lukey asked. Was he trying to get Lukey to confess?
“Why are you… scared?”
“Because I uh… I’m worried about what you’ll say.”
“Oh.” Pangi replied. The room suddenly felt so cold. Why did it feel so much colder?
“But I,”
He pauses for a moment, possibly dealing with an inner war himself,
“I want to hear you, Lucas.”
Ok.
So… that hit more than it should have. God- does this kid know what he does to Lukey?
“Well I just… I don’t want to ruin…” Lukey scoffed at himself. What was he even thinking?
“I’m sorry, Sem. I just have some… things I need to get over.”
Although Pangi’s eyes were fluttering closed slowly but surely, his brain was more than awake.
“Lucas do you… want to kiss me?”
Lukey began to choke on air, sitting up slightly but giving up after his cough fit.
“Wh- what? Sem don’t play like that right now.”
“I’m not playing, Lucas.”
Pangi sat up straight, pulling Lukey up with him (much to Lukey’s dismay- where did that strength even come from? Wasn’t he just half asleep?)
“Do you. Want to kiss me. No judgement, remember?”
Lukey thought for a moment. His selfish mind was creeping up once again. This could ruin everything, but he wanted to try. He had to try. This felt like a one-time opportunity.
“Can… can I?” This is it. Lukey’s so fucked he’s so cooked he’s so-
“Mmhm.”
Oh. Well then.
Pangi closed his eyes, bracing for impact. Lukey would have found it offensive if he didn’t find it so cute. He leaned in, resting his palm on the edges of Pangi’s jaw. He could feel a tiny bit of stubble near his thumb. He decided that he’d bully Pangi about it later.
If this decision doesn’t ruin them, that is.
Lips touched, and suddenly every corny trope made sense. Lukey swore he tasted something sweet. He swore butterflies and roses and sparkles surrounded the two now. He swore he heard lovely music and fireworks going off at the same time. It lasted so long yet ended so quickly.
When they separated, he felt it. As if his soul was whole for a moment, and suddenly ripped apart in the next.
He thought of himself a bit of a fool, until he looked at the boy in front of him.
Pangi’s eyes were wide now. Like a deer in headlights, truly. Lips slightly parted. Face bright red, despite the dim room that surrounded them.
The two sat there for a moment. Pangi was trying to gather his thoughts, all while Lukey was simply watching the cogs turn. Every change of expression made Lukey’s heart and mind do loops. Anxious was an understatement.
At last, Pangi finally found his words.
“Did you… uh… did you like that?”
Ain’t no way…
“You know, for someone that started this whole thing, you sure are making me take the lead here. Not very fair if I do say so myself.”
Lukey laughed at the audacity. This guy…
“Oh give me a break- I’m trying to figure stuff out here!!” Pangi stressed.
That hope was pouring in again. You’d think Lukey was oblivious with how he didn’t catch on by now, but in truth he was still in denial. What a strange thing that is, to deny the possibility of having something you crave so badly.
“Well. I guess I did…”
“You guess????”
Lukey started his little giggle fit, meanwhile a poor Pangi sat across from him looks to be in shambles. Once Lukey settled down, he answered more plainly.
“Yes Sem, I liked it. A lot.”
“You did?”
“I did. Did you?”
“Well…”
Lukey braced himself for the worst. At this point he was satisfied. As sad as it sounds, he got his kiss. As long as this doesn’t ruin them, he’d be content. But of course, deep down, he doesn’t want to be content. He wants more, the greedy bastard.
“I… I don’t know how I feel, I can’t lie.”
“What do you mean you ‘don’t know’?” Lukey said with slight frustration. He knew Pangi was kinda going through it right now, but he needed to know.
“I meant what I said, Lucas.” Pangi said.
“Did you hate it?” Lukey asked.
“No.”
“Do you… want another?”
Silence followed. Tense, yet strangely comforting.
Pangi always had a way of answering questions without saying a word. But Lukey needed to hear it, so naturally, he pressed on.
“Sem, I need you to answer me.”
Pangi exhaled, clearly nervous.
“Would it… be bad if I said yes?” Pangi looked so guilty, as if he was a child that just stole a chocolate bar from the store. It tore Lukey’s heart apart just looking at it.
“In what world would that be bad?” Lukey asked firmly.
They both stared at each other for a moment, thinking of the world they live in.
Lukey reconsidered his words.
“Ok well, it’s not bad here, right now, at least.”
The two shared a little sad laugh, recognizing the realness of it all.
“Can I do it this time?” Pangi asks.
‘This time’, he says. The unspoken implications are killing Lukey. Will there be more times? The fact that this wasn’t the first to begin with was already sending him spiraling.
“Go ahead.” Lukey said, attempting to remain nonchalant. Unfortunately, his sweaty, shaking hands betrayed him.
This time it wasn’t careful or hesitant. Pangi grabbed Lukey by his shirt collar into a deep kiss. It was messy, and their noses collided at first which certainly hurt. But it was so… charming. Pangi was so charming. He always was. It was always so aggravating.
Lukey could already feel himself getting used to this. Uh oh. That can’t be good.
Once they parted again, this time it felt more like a necessity than a ripping of the soul experience. Lukey didn’t realize how out of breath he was until now, but he certainly wasn’t regretting any of it.
It was only then that he realized how Pangi was hovering over him, practically on his lap. He couldn’t hold back the snicker that formed in his throat, or maybe he just didn’t care to.
“Oh shut up!” Pangi first spoke, realizing their current predicament.
As he attempted to pull himself away, Lukey grabbed his waist and pulled his best friend properly onto his lap. Pangi bickered about it, but made no attempt to free himself.
How curious.
“So, did that help you at all, mister?” Lukey asked playfully.
“Well uh. I guess. I know one thing now.”
“Which is…?”
“I…” Pangi inhaled, as if he was about to reveal the most insane shit ever. “I don’t think I’m straight.”
It was, in fact, not the most insane shit ever. But it meant the world to Lukey.
“Yeah? Is there… anything else?”
“That my best friend is down bad for me, apparently.” Pangi tried to seem cool about it, but his position made that kind of difficult.
“And…?” The avoidance was scaring Lukey. Despite every other sign saying otherwise, the doubt was still creeping in.
“I think.” Pangi paused. “No- I know that. I might- no I do… uh.”
Now Pangi was the one fidgeting. With Lukey’s hand, nonetheless.
“I like him too.”
Lukey had never felt more alive. He felt like celebrating at- well whatever ungodly hour it was. Certainly past Pangi’s bedtime.
“Your best friend is very happy to hear that.”
They chuckled at the third-person usage. When did that start?
After a comfortable silence, Pangi spoke once more.
“How long has it been?”
“Pardon?”
“How long have you known that you’re into me?”
Lukey can just hear the teasing already, but he’s far too euphoric right now to care.
“Ehh I had a bit of a crush back in Twitchcon Rotterdam, but-“
“WHEN WE FIRST MET?? Dude…”
“Oh quit it! It wasn’t anything serious…”
“Uhuh… so now it is?”
Lukey let Pangi have his fun. He deserves it after everything, Lukey thinks.
“Well I suppose so… why, when did you start questioning?”
“Uh… I don’t know to be honest… it’s just been this hovering feeling I couldn’t shake for a while.”
Lukey nodded in understanding.
“I think it got most obvious during your birthday, I can’t lie.”
“Oh yeah, I was so incredibly down bad that day.” Lukey giggled in his confession, leading Pangi to let out a hearty laugh.
“You really liked my gift, huh?” He said smugly.
“More than you can imagine.” Lukey said with an exhale. Previous thoughts and feelings from that day all rushing back to him.
After a moment of silence spent by looking into the other’s eyes, Pangi made a verbal decision.
“I should do it more often, then.”
“Pbfft yeah, just fly over anytime.” Lukey chuckled at the concept.
“It’d be worth every penny.” Pangi replied, which earned him an ‘aww’ from the Brit.
“Or…” Pangi said with a knowing smirk, “I should just never leave.”
Lukey perked up. They had discussed moving in together before but this suddenly felt more real.
“You’d do that? You sure you won’t get sick of me?” Lukey said, half jokingly.
“Nah man, I don’t think that’s possible. Besides…” Pangi paused as he combed his fingers through Lukey’s hair.
“I think you might be stuck with me now.”
What was meant to be a threat sounded like heaven to Lukey. He couldn’t imagine anything better than that.
“But…” Pangi said, interrupting Lukey’s thoughts.
“I am NOT living here, dude.” he said with a blank face.
“Awe- but why not? Me and the mold are a two-in-one package, baby.” Lukey said with a fake pout- once again turning into a giggling mess.
Pangi’s face got visibly more red from the pet name. It wasn’t the first time they used some form of endearment but, this was the first time it felt so real. Lukey decided to file that in his mind for later.
——
The two bickered more, only stopping after Lukey checked the time. Yup, way past Pangi’s- no- their bedtime.
After getting into bed, the two best friends said their good nights and fell right asleep.
And if the two were no longer just “best friends”, if they were something more, no one knew but them.