Chapter Text
First time - Handsome
The first time Minho had ever laid his eyes on Han Ji Sung was in a dancing room in the JYPE building. It had been almost two weeks since he joined JYPE, so he knew almost nobody. Bang Chan, an australian hyung who seemed to know everyone here, had engaged with him several times already. He was nice to talk to, even if Minho didn’t talk much on his side, but they connected well. Through him, he started to be acknowledged by others trainees. Maybe, if it kept going that way, Minho could opened up to him a little more.
That day, he knew he had to work on his singing, it was not bad but if he wanted to be picked and to debut, he needed to improve a lot. He was motivated until he got in the soundproof room. Something felt strange, something was blocking him standing there alone.
So, instead, he went to the dancing room. Dancing had always been his way to empty his head, let go of everything bothering him and, maybe, get his mind in the right place. He gave himself one hour to achieve that. After, no matter what, he would head to the room to practice his voice. It was up to him if the moment would be a pleasant or hurtful one.
Just after a few steps, he was breathing better, lighter. He was feeling good again in his body, therefore in his head. So he kept going, letting go of everything. He stopped after some time, breathless but happy. The tiredness was welcomed, the sweat showed his true work, his dedication. Smiling, as wide as he was now, was never easy for him, except in those moments when he felt the happiest in the world. Like right now.
The door cracked, making him jump, all claws out like a cat, and rose his head to observe the intruder through the mirror. It was a guy, maybe his age, wearing a baseball cap and the hugest smile Minho has ever seen in his life. The kind of smile that spread all over the face, to the eyes that were shining. The newcomer bowed to him and gestured if he could come. But Minho was stilled. Unable to move a single muscle. It wasn’t because of his training. Actually, that was nothing for him, he could go on for two or three more hours if he needed. No, it was all about this little ball of happiness, who was also good-looking, even with those round squizzable cheeks. All his being was seemingly oozing kindness through all his pores.
“Hyung? Can I train with you?”, the angel-like vision asked him.
At least, his hearing was still functioning. Minho’s brain finally made an hard reboot, allowing him to nod. He was only capable of this much. He turned over to face him.
“Thanks, I’ve seen you dance and I think you can help me improve, if you don’t mind?”, his eyes widened when he understood how his words could be interpreted, so he quickly added, ”I can help you with your singing if you want in return. Not that you need it but… I mean… I’m not bad myself so…”
His mouth kept the round form of his last syllable, not knowing what to say or waiting for something from Minho, who was still nodding by reflex. He couldn’t stay silent, that would be rude and making the stranger uncomfortable. But he couldn’t do more.
“I’m Han Jisung by the way. From 3racha.”
Han Jisung. He bowed again in front of him. Was he younger?
“I’m born in 2000, what about you?”
The sudden normality of the conversation got Minho out of his freezing. He knew how to handle it.
“I’m a 98. My name is Lee Minho.”, finally he talked.
“Hyung”, Jisung nodded accordingly, “can you help me with my dancing?”
“Mmmh.”
It needed nothing more to trigger Han Jisung, Minho liked the sound of the name. The younger one put down his bag next to Minho’s and started to stretch while still blabbing.
Minho returned to his original place, in front of the mirror, unable to look away from Han Jisung.
“He’s handsome” was the thought that towered over all others in his mind.
When he looked again at his own reflexion, panic ran through his body as he saw his lips moving those words silently. What was he doing?
But it never left his mind as they meet each other, to dance or to sing because Jisung kept his promise.
Jisung’s handsomeness grew day after day as Minho discovered a new facet : his kindness with no expectations, his humor matching Minho’s, his understanding of Minho’s character and weirdness. Every single bit of Han Jisung made him more handsome in Minho’s eyes.
Second time - Safe place
The second time Minho almost confessed to Jisung took place many years after the first one. But it was not a confession back then. Not at all. That first time, he was just stating a fact. Even if he kept having this thought over and over, even now whereas five years had passed since.
Despite his wobbly debut in the group, he finally found his place and his dynamic with everyone. It was hard, they were eight people with different and strong personalities. There were some… difficulties along the way but somehow, and mostly because of Chan hyung and Changbin, they managed to fit well together, allowing each and everyone to be themselves.
But for Minho, there was one specific person who made everything from good to exceptional: Han Jisung.
Waiting for him to film their 2 kids room episode, while sitting on the couch, he got flashbacks of times where the younger one made him feel special, accepted. From few in their early years, they kept happening more and more each year passing. Their bond grew along.
“Hyung, you’re already here?”
Minho jumped on the couch at the voice, too much drown in his memories. Luckily, he didn’t got too deep this time, so there was a chance no one around noticed. Except for Jisung, as he could read it on his face, on the frown drawn on his forehead. Jisung knew him that well. Sometimes, it was almost embarrassing because he couldn’t just discard it with some joke or weird threat, his friend would definitely see through him. But, the staff saved him from answering by taking Jisung for a last minute make-up arrangement.
That day he wore an ensemble from head to toe, blue and white, his top was a hoodie, which seemed really comfortable. Minho couldn’t help noticing that those colors really suited him. As there was a color which didn’t suit Han Jisung. This man was so beautiful, even without makeup, even first thing in the morning with his sleepy head, Minho couldn’t find a time where he wasn’t handsome. It was an universal fact.
“LeeKnow, can you come here please?”.
Minho turned his head toward the staff that called him, got up from the couch and went ahead. They needed to adjust some of his makeup due to the lights and, he supposed, Jisung’s outfit. That took some time and when he turned his head again toward the couch, Jisung was already there, trying to resist the urge to eat the cake in front of him. He cannot help but smile at the view.
Their shooting went smoothly, they teased each other a lot, they managed, he didn’t know how, to talk about serious topics. And then, the moment occurred. They were like two thirds in the way through the shooting when Jisung spilled something insane, even for Minho.
“But even you know that you have a weird side to you, right? Don’t the people who like you all know this? That you’re weird?” Jisung laughed teasingly.
Minho stopped moving, from his lungs preventing from breathing to his little eyelashes which lost their abilities to blink. Everything halted. Hurt began to fill in his veins. Cold started to embrace him like a coat.
“No, it’s not that I’m weird,” Minho tried to defend himself.
“You’re weird.”
“No.”
“That’s what I like about you.”
Han Jisung was like that, he could put something unique, heartful, meaningful, making you speechless within a second with a genuine face. You couldn’t deny or refute him. Minho’s heart started beating faster, he was going to be flustered, he couldn’t control the way his cheeks were turning red, he needed to divert the attention from himself. Now.
“Aren’t I ideal?”, he threw in the conversation cockily.
The link between his answer and the subject was non existent but he didn’t cared.
“You’re ideal,” confirmed Jisung with a big smile. “You’re weird but you’re unique. I’m normal, right? Compared to you?”
Minho noticed the feeling underlying his question: it was the fear of rejection, that Jisung was too normal to be interesting, to be worth the attention of someone else. But for their five years of being together, being friends, being part of the same family Stray Kids was for both of them, it never occurred to Minho that this man could be uninteresting, not worth anything.
“I like normal,” Minho whispered looking at him.
But they both broke into laughter out of shyness one second later. They couldn’t help it.
“What are you saying?”, Jisung managed to say, astonished.
But Minho read through Jisung’s objection, he was still pleased and reassured.
Minho’s mind kept going, in the background, about this conversation. His assertion was true, he liked being weird around Jisung”s normality, he liked being anchored to the world by it. The sensation of being at his place wherever Jisung was seemed to become an universal fact.
Minho was watching Jisung talking about some other stuff, he tried to focus but it was difficult as something kept popping in his mind, trying to get out, to be spoken out loud. He needed to bury it inside, there was no way this could be out in the open, that would be the weirdest thing he would do.
So he buried it, deep but still there for him to watch, to feel, to be comforted by it.
“You’re my safe place,” Minho said only in his head, the only thing he allowed himself to do.
Third time - Mine
Minho’s third secret confession occurred only nine month after the last one.
He didn’t mean to escalate like that but he wasn’t controlling well his emotions. Actually, he never did, if he had to be honest with himself, and it seemed that he will never be able to.
His last confession, like a milestone in their friendship, marked the moment his feeling slightly changed. At least, he was conscious about it. It took time to understand what his body was telling him each time he was with or thought of Jisung. It felt strange, at first, to have a deeper connection with someone when you were both in a group that was like family. Why would he be closer with him? Why would he feel safer with him? Why would he look for his presence? Why would he find more grounding with him?
It was Jeongin who gave him the answer one day, maybe two months ago. Changbin asked him why he would let Seungmin touch him while he wasn’t allowed to. Weren’t they friends too? ‘You are also part of my family hyung, as Seungmin hyung is, but sometimes, you can’t be as close as you want with everyone. Sometimes, it feels less wrong with someone than with the others. But it doesn’t mean this someone is more important. It doesn’t mean it will always be the closest.’
It reached Minho’s heart fully. It lessened his guilt, lifted off the burden he didn’t even know he carried on his shoulders. It wasn’t a meaning of ‘right and wrong’, like Jeongin said, sometimes it could feel wrong with everyone and someone came in and the wrongness diminished a little bit, it didn’t even have to be much, just a little to become bearable.
Minho just pushed everything to the extreme because when Jeongin implied that every one could be the closest to someone depending on the subject, for him, his somebody was always Jisung.
Maybe this fact was what brought him where he was now.
Jisung had asked everyone to stay after their dance practice. They were all tired after giving their everything to make this session perfect but he said that he needed their opinions on his last creation. So they stayed, ignoring what their body craved.
“I finished the lyrics and the arrangement of the song I already showed you last time”, Jisung presented to them while managing to look confident and shy at the same time. Jisung looked at him and Minho gave him a reassuring smile, because he knew he could do it. “I named it ‘Volcano’.”
“What this song is about?” asked Chan right away as they would expect him to do.
“Listen and tell me.” Jisung smiled without answering.
Everybody laughed at the cocky answer and Jisung hit play making everyone silent. The music started, driving them into the new universe their all-rounder member created. It was soft but rhythmic. He watched Jisung nodding his head at the beat, monitoring their reaction through his eyelashes. And then, his soft voice resonated in the room.
‘I’ll protect you, it’s okay to hurt
I’ll embrace the wounds you shed’
Minho couldn’t look at him anymore, the words hit him too hard. Who was he talking about? Who was the ‘you’?
‘Light it up for me more brightly,
even the dark night doesn’t scare me
if I’m with you’
The sting felt worse, combining with his voice low and emotional, he found listening to it agonizing. Why did he need them to listen? It was already perfect. He didn’t need to listen.
‘The scars of the wounds that covered my heart,
as if only you could notice them,
you were so warm when you hugged me tight,
I guess I teared up a moment because it was the first time’
Heat began to run through his veins, making him feel uneasy, he needed to move, staying still was impossible. But leaving also was. He was uncomfortable. This was not about the temperature of the room after their practice or even his body regulating its temperature after the exercise. This was something else. Something that made him clinch his fists on his knees. That made him grit his teeth. That made him want to throw everything against the wall.
Someone elbowed him and he almost snapped back but he stopped himself before making a scene. Nonetheless, he glared at Changbin, not knowing why he did it. The only answer he got was a snarky smile with sparkling eyes. He raised his eyebrows, daring him to try again. Changbin laughed a little but put back his attention on Jisung’s music. That was when he saw his friend looking at him, his own eyebrows frowned, concerned. Minho tried to smile but it didn’t change anything, maybe it even deepened Jisung’s frown.
In the background, the second verse started.
‘Your attention changes the brightness of my empty heart, you’re light.
Your arms, my home, my breath, my God.
You grabbed me when I was falling fly again’
It was pure torture. He wanted to stop the music, put Jisung down on his back and make him confess who he was talking about. He didn’t know what he would do with the answer, or, if he was being honest, didn’t want to face his pulsions. What they mean.
‘My falling days were sorrow
but after your appeared my lifted mouth corners won’t come down’
He raised his head only to find Jisung still looking at him. This time, his smile was true, little but true. Anyone who could put a smile on Jisung’s face should be blessed. His face was made to shine, to smile. Han Jisung was made to be happy, to bright up the world with his shiny personality and aura.
Minho loved to be the one doing it. But he will never denied anyone who could also do it. He will never prevent someone from doing so. Even if it cost him everything, even if it cost him Jisung.
‘It’s okay if everything burns down,
even if I go back hundreds of times, my choice is always you.’
They didn’t break eye contact, the lyrics putting even more weight on the atmosphere around them. Jisung’s eyes were not as shiny as ordinary. His shoulders were tight, as he was not confident. How could he not be? It was nearly perfect, his words hit very precisely, denying anyone to feel anything else than what he wanted them to feel.
‘I can’t live without you, you’re the only one, even if I die,
even if I’m reborn over and over again, it’s only you’
Jisung mouthed the last words and dropped his head, breaking their connection. He wasn’t the recipient of those words. That hurt. A lot.
Actually, he didn’t know he could be that much affected. Their relationship was special, different than the one he had with the others but he never knew that it was at this point.
‘So I can melt into you,
hug my body even if it hurts, it’s okay.
Among the cold and harsh waves,
I need your heat, you are my volcano’
Minho’s look never budged from his friend, he watched carefully every reaction he had, like the quick awkward glance at him from his head down as the last lines resonated in the room. He watched carefully how Jisung didn’t even look at him, in his direction while asking for their review. He watched carefully how he nodded while writing when he gave his opinion. He watched carefully how his ears became red when he quoted some specific lyrics that caught his attention.
Then Minho’s went quiet, letting the rest of the group do the chat. He went in his own mind, analyzing, structuring, reorganizing his thoughts. The world was moving forward alongside his own timeline. He didn’t care, he needed this time.
When he finally emerged, Felix and Hyunjin were already gone. Changbin and Jeongin were talking in the corner of the room. Chan, Seungmin and Jisung were together, walking toward the exit.
Jisung turned to Minho, finally able to meet his gaze and smiled like he usually did :
“Hyung, don’t you need to shower too?”
The casual question made his heart flutter and a sudden and strong feeling emerged within his chest.
‘You are mine’
Fourth time - like
When the fourth time happened, it took him completely by surprise. The previous ones were not planned either but there were some sort of natural evolution of his feelings as their relationship grew closer. And it wasn’t too much, it could still be considered as friendship, even when he felt, what he recognised later on, jealous. But this time, Minho had to really face his feelings for Jisung, like he had been punched directly in his guts.
It happened one night, at its darkest hour, Minho was soundly sleeping in his room. On his bedside table, his phone vibrated, the sound resonated in his bedroom. Once. Twice. Three times. Growling, he stretched himself, his eyes still closed, to reach the object of his current hatred. His hand knocked the lamp, but luckily it didn’t fell off, he fumbled around, unable to find his phone, like it moved around to always be out of reach. His temper grew worse as seconds passed and he was still searching for it. Then he felt the soft touch of the screen, a little bit relieved. He stopped the vibration and put it down, ready to go back to sleep. But before he could even put his head down on his pillow, his phone started vibrating again. His growl filled the room, he didn’t care if he would wake up his friends in the other rooms, if he was awake, they could be as well. He shut off the vibration but it came back right away. Minho finally gave up and opened one eye to see who was so eager to call him at this hour. Who he would kill the very next morning. ‘Jisungie’. His anger diminished a little, he couldn’t be mad at him, not too much at least.
“Hum?”, he mumbled as soon as he picked up.
“Hyung?”, Jisung’s voice was too cheerful for the hour. It didn’t bode well.
“Jisung-ah, d’you know what time is it?”
“I need your help!”
Minho jumped in his bed, going from lying down to sitting down in a mere second. Anger was gone, completely replaced by fear, icing his body as it grew.
“What’s going on?”, he asked fully awake now. “Are you hurt?”
“What? No! I just finished a song,” he added like it was a normal thing to do at… four in the morning, “and I need you to come over to the studio.”
“Jisung-ah, it’s-”
“Please hyung, I need you. You’re the only one I can call.”
Minho closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in because he knew he couldn’t resist saying ‘no’ when Jisung was asking him like that. Like he could say ‘no’ to him any way he would ask. Even if he wasn’t asking something from him, he wouldn’t go back to sleep, not when he was sounding like he was under the influence of some explosive drugs. Minho was going to worry too much on how Jisung would be during his break down to sleep. He was going to turn over endlessly until he would go out of bed. He finally whispered an “Let me dress, I’m coming.” before hanging up, cutting Jisung’s babble that would only delay him.
Thirty minutes later, he arrived at the building, every lights were off which was not a surprise regarding the time of the day. Only Jisung would have the power to tame him that much. Minho scanned his badge on the door, which let him in with a light beep. He didn’t have to go upstairs, instead he took some hallway until the recording rooms. He finally entered the studio room where Jisung was playing guitar, headset on his ears, unconscious of his arrival. Minho was still a little sleepy and it made him a little on edge to be ignored like that. He went into the room and, without trying to be nice or gentle, he budged the headset off Jisung’s head. The rapper jumped back, screaming everything he got out of his lung until he recognized him.
“Hyung! You scared me!”
“It’s 4.30am. I have every right.”
Jisung made a pouty face but soon enough he remembered why his hyung was there. He almost ran, taking Minho’s hand on the way, and dragged him to the arrangement room. That was not the first time they held hands, but Minho kept having strange feelings and thoughts about it. There was multiple papers scattered on every surfaces available. Minho observed Jisung ran through some of them, before taking out three and gave it to him.
“Can you sing it?”
Minho took the papers and looked at them. There were lyrics, some of them were struck out, some were not even aligned, words were added above.
“No.” He answered bluntly.
Jisung’s shoulders dropped instantly, his eyes covered by a cloud of hurt. Minho didn’t like it. But he really couldn’t sing it.
“Is it that bad?”, Jisung asked a tremolo in his voice.
“I don’t know, I can’t put the lyrics in order.”
His friend stared at him, seemingly fazed by his answer and then, an ‘O’ formed by his mouth at the same time his eyes got back with their original happy sparkling.
“Give me five minutes, no three, no two! I’ll rewrite it correctly on a new paper”, he said while taking back the sheets and searching for a blank paper.
“Take your time, it’s not like I have something else to do. Beside sleeping.”
But the joke never landed on Jisung who was too focused on copying his lyrics cleanly. Minho shaked his head, unseen, before sitting on the couch available against the back wall. He crossed his legs and stared at Jisung who was bitting his bottom lip. The silence between them, only disturbed by the scratching of the pen on the paper, was easy, appreciated. It was not often the case, people largely disliked silence, they always needed to fill it like the world would end if the silence lasted longer. But for him, there was nothing better than enjoying it alone or with the right company. Jisung was his right company.
It finally took Jisung almost ten minutes to write everything correctly. He had to start again a few times because he messed up the order, or changed his mind over the wording. Minho didn’t care, he liked watching him working like that, making art out of his messy brain. Sleep was now long gone, he found himself quite excited to discover this new song. He heard some part when Jisung hummed it to check if it was correct, he supposed, and he liked what he heard.
“Alright hyung, I finished. Here.” Jisung said while getting up and handing him the papers.
Minho extended his arms and pouted when they couldn’t reach them. He moved his fingers and Jisung quickly understood their meaning. He stepped ahead and put them directly in Minho’s hand. The older one nodded to thank him and started reading.
‘I fell in love with you unexpectedly’
Minho’s coughed at those first words but soon he lacked of air as his body stopped altogether. Before he could collapse, all the vital functions restarted and his heart beat again but way faster than usual. He tried to clear his throat but failed as he felt something bothering him there. He didn’t dare to look up to Jisung who certainly was observing him and every one of his reactions. He needed to compose himself, quickly.
Was it a love song?
‘It's a pretty big issue, why, in my head
So many thoughts keep me awake every night’
Had Jisung fallen in love? How could he have not noticed it? When had he fall in love with someone? Where? For how long?
All those questions popped in his head, never ending, squeezing his heart a little more for each new one.
‘Love is so intuitive everything changes’
So, it was a love song. His grip on the paper tightened but he controlled it in order to not damage it, Jisung had to stay ignorant of his own state. Minho needed to keep a straight face. No, he couldn’t because the lyrics were good so far, he should show an enthusiastic face. At least smile a little bit. Even if he couldn’t feel it inside.
‘The start of a typical romance, though I know it all, I deeply
Fall into you and gеt my hopes up again’
So Jisung really managed to fell in love with someone. No, if he read carefully the lyrics, he already fell in love before but it seemed like it was an unrequited love. Bittersweet, Minho knew the feeling all too well. Not that he was in love with Jisung. He knew there was something he felt for him that was more than friendship, but it wasn’t love. It was something close, he really thought about it for several weeks. In fact, he still kept analyzing in the back of his mind but never managed to find the correct word for it.
He closed his eyes for half a second, just enough to concentrate again on the lyrics in front of him.
‘Ride, come closer just the two of us
Together we make one whole romantic comedy movie
Push and pull, one mistake and it’s all over’
He already experienced this before, being so touched by lyrics that you started to hurt physically, tears filling up your eyes without you even knowing. But this was worse, way worse. Because it felt real. In fact, it was real. Those words hurt him so much. Much more that he had ever felt, much more than he could ever imagined.
Those words were strong and impacting, Jisung seemed to have put everything he got in them. Minho could see it, even if it broke his heart to admit it.
‘I'll hold you tight and say I've always been waiting for this moment’
Minho had to hide the hurtful moan from escaping his throat by clearing it. It was beautiful. He couldn’t deny this fact. Jisung always had a romantic way of writing this type of songs. He never knew that one day beautiful could be the synonym of destruction. Frustration started flooding his body. Why was he feeling this much for his best friend? For his person?
No answer came in. Like always.
He forced himself to keep reading. In front of him, Jisung started to trample on his feet.
‘The moment I first saw you, it was meant to be
For me, it's you’
His jaws tightened as tears threatened to fall. He couldn’t. Not here, not now, not in front of him.
He ran through the last lines of the song, quickly, the words were blurry but he didn’t mind. He just needed a little time to take back his tears and face Jisung. He took a deep breath and it was like a starting signal for Jisung.
“What do you think hyung?”
He couldn’t voice out loud what he truly thought. Because he didn’t know what he felt or why he felt that way while reading. So he took the safest path.
“It’s really good Jisung-ah. It’s really..”
His mind ran blank. But it didn’t seem to bother the younger man.
“Would you sing it?”
No.
He couldn’t. But how could he refuse him when he was looking at him like that? His eyes wide, sparkling in hope and eagerness. His demand was not unreasonable, it was not the first time he asked this, he never refused, why would he when Han Jisung offered him a song to sing? But this time…
“Would you sing it with me hyung?”, Jisung asked him again unaware of his internal fightings.
“What?”
Singing a love song together? No way Jisung was talking seriously. But as he studied his expressions carefully, there was no sign of laughing from him.
“You have to sing it with me hyung!”
“It’s a love song, isn’t it?”
“Mmh”
“Why me?”
“Because I thought about you while writing it.”
Minho’s brain froze, his heart missed several beats, his eyes blurred. He knew he was still starring at Jisung but nothing came from his sight. Neither from his hearing. How this man could say such things? An internal voice, still functioning whereas everything else was in an unknown state, reminded him, teasingly, that he was the king of ‘I love to make someone else fluster, especially Han’. So he shouldn’t be shocked if Jisung was doing the same. But, he wasn’t sure either that it was the original intent.
“And your voice is the only one who can convey everything I want to say.”
His sight came back first and actually, it was no help for getting the rest back up and running. He was facing those two big balls that belonged to Jisung. They looked so hopeful, a little bit teary and, in the same time, happy. He never knew how he was doing it but he never resisted. And in this moment, nothing would change that fact. Minho could only watch Jisung came near him. He extended his arms towards him.
Suddenly, everything started working again in his body, all his five senses were fully operational, maybe too much because the sensation of Jisung’s hand on his own was overwhelming, almost unbearable.
“I won’t sing it if you don’t do it with me.”
The sincerity was flooding from his voice. Minho believed him. It was him or no one else. Let be it.
“I’ll sing with you”, he whispered finally smiling at him.
“Good, can you sing it?”
“Now?”, he asked surprised
“Yes, I need to organize the lyrics for both of us. I think I know which part to give you but I need to confirm it. Please?”
And so, at almost five in the morning, he was singing in the studio because Han Jisung asked him.
He should have known that he wouldn’t be out of the studio after singing only one time. Jisung was a perfectionist, always had been and always would be. Maybe it was because of lack of sleep, but he couldn’t find the courage to stop him from singing, from smiling when things went how he wanted to go. Even if his throat was a little tired because he didn’t prepared it before. What he loved the most was when Jisung was singing, his eyes locked in his, about love.
‘I'll give you an armful of cosmos flowers
Love you, I wanna place myself in a spot next to you’
He shouldn’t be feeling this but each time, warm spread inside him, happy giggles formed in his lungs and were ready to come out. It felt like he was talking about loving him and it made Minho glad, happy, proud. It made him put the correct word on his feelings, what he denied himself for the past months.
He smiled in response to Jisung but kept secret his thoughts.
‘I like you’
Fifth time - love
Minho should have known that, sooner or later, he would blurt out his feelings. But his denial was strong enough to ignore it completely.
Months have passed since the last time. His feelings were not the same, they grew more and more day after day. His need to be around Jisung didn’t help either. Or moving in together in their apartment. They were already close before, the closest they could be. But somehow, they managed to be even more. He didn’t know how, actually, he didn’t even try to find the answer, he simply accepted it as a fact and went on. He also accepted to like romantically someone without it being returned. He was fully aware and made peace with that knowledge. He would take whatever Jisung would give him.
Maybe that was what lead him to this.
They were almost mid-tour of the Dominate world tour. They were exhausted but each night, the Stays would give back all the energy they needed to keep going. Things were great, they were having the best time of their life, he loved dancing, making people happy with his moves, his voice, his goofy attitude with his friends. They really were giving all the love they made them feel.
This night, they were in Osaka, it was the last day of the three dates in the city. They were doing the sound check for each songs they would be performing later, exceptionally the access’ were still close so there wasn’t any fans in the public yet. Jisung was on stage, his guitar in his hands, trying to get the correct sound he wanted. He was looking at him from beneath the scene, where he would enter later for his own performance of ‘Youth’. They were doing this scripted scene asked by the staff. Little did they know when they asked them about it that they would make it in their own way. It was a surprise each night. They never talked beforehand, never consulted each other about what they would be doing. It was all up to their own imagination. Minho already created the plan in his head, he just needed to adapt it whatever Jisung had in mind on his side. But that was for later, now he needed to come on stage before Jisung finished his settings.
He made a little detour but managed not to lost too much time and kept watching Jisung being concentrated but still smiling. He was not wearing any make-up, they still got time for it, and he was still gorgeous. He was wearing a simple white shirt with a jean. Nothing much but it was not his clothes that made it for him, it really was just him. His smile that went wider when he saw Minho walking towards him. The sparkles in his eyes as he waved at him, despite seeing each other not long ago. The unbreaking gaze they exchanged as if they were the only ones in the world, nothing else existed beside them. How could he not like him?
Jisung was finishing with a last check with his mic. Acapella, he started to sing the chorus of his song. Minho moved his head along with the rhythm, still gazing directly at him. His voice without any electronic modification was pure and powerful. Jisung was not an all-rounder for nothing. Minho could listen to him endlessly. Jisung stuck his tongue out at him, Minho made a face that made Jisung giggle through the mic but recovered quickly. He watched him stopped singing, asking for some modifications to the sound engineer and resumed.
'Cause all I want is you, not your tears
I wanna make you the happiest one, no fear’
Sometimes, Minho thought this song was written for him. He knew it was not the case but he couldn’t help it. His heart always beat fast, it didn’t feel unusual now, with time he got used to. He got used to a lot of things when it involved Jisung. He also managed to often pass his own fluster to the younger one. Each time he looked at him, directly without blinking, and told him he was cute, it was his way of not being the only one flustered. Every slap, every flying kiss, every neck grabbing, every move he made toward Jisung was a mix between wanting, needing and avoiding. Those feelings were hard to conceal, they wanted to go out in the light, fully expressed themselves but he had to bury them and shush at them to stay quiet. It was a burden, it was sad. Sometimes, he felt a huge weight was put on his chest, one he couldn’t remove with his own force only. It was crushing him, gradually, until Jisung would do something out of the ordinary and moved it away. He was sure the younger one didn’t know he held that much power on him, either to vanquish or save him. Minho would never tell him.
Jisung finally got to the last part, the post-chorus. The one they changed for the show. The one they had fun with. The one that sometimes would made Minho fall on his knees if he didn’t pay attention to stay steady.
‘LeeKnow hyung hold my hand now!’
Jisung took a step towards him, as if they were on stage in front of the public, and took his hand as he just sang it. They never detached their gaze from each other, so now, Minho could easily read in Jisung’s eyes and they wanted to tell him a lot. But he couldn’t decipher all their meanings, just a few like hope, happiness, uncertainty. His breath stopped in his chest, not wanting to move, to go up and out of his body. His heart squizzed on itself but it felt like someone put his hand on and compressed it without thinking of hurting him. It made his legs go numb. The only thing keeping him on his feet was this hand grounding him in the present, in this space and time. Tonight was not different than the night before. But somehow it was. This song was not different, but somehow, it felt more powerful and intense, more intrusive in his feelings, emotions, sensations. The control he kept on them melted without any chance to stop the process. Something was building in his stomach, a warm bubble which he didn’t want to block, he let it grow on its own, quickly, bigger and bigger. It didn’t feel wrong, actually, it was a peaceful sensation, his heart slowed down as he was falling asleep but he wasn’t. The bubble changed into a sort of ball, with a form he could feel in him, making its way up, warming every part of him it touched. His shoulders fell, more relaxed than they had ever been. His body temperature grew a little bit, not too much to be sweaty but enough, like the perfect temperature you felt when the warm blanket you put over your body warmed it perfectly, bringing peace. Minho felt this little ball grew even more and it finally hit him: it was not a simple ball of one feeling. No, on its way from his lower body, it retrieved every little feeling he got, he felt, he hid for Jisung. Every reactions his body had while being with Jisung, this little ball got a grip on it, ate it and mixed it with the others. This was the reason it didn’t stay little because Minho had felt a lot. It was not because they knew each other for a long time, actually, it didn’t matter, what mattered was each emotion was unique, its power, its impact, its cause, its consequence, each time Jisung gave him a new feeling to experience. This little ball, who was now stuck in his throat, collected every piece of this. Minho never felt this good, this right ever in his life. And it was because of Han Jisung who kept holding his hand, smiling at him.
Then, the little ball, eager to discover the light, freed itself. It was not hurtful, actually, Minho felt relieved.
Then, three words slipped through his mouth, amplified by his mic already opened :
“I love you”