Chapter Text
It was early in the morning when Akito woke up, a few minutes earlier before his alarm went off.
Instantly he felt a feeling of nausea and anxiety coiling in his stomach, he clenched his fists tightly and let out deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Today was the day. No more stalling. No more "I'll do it tomorrow"s. It was today or never.
His hand quickly flew to cover his face, his stomach churning almost painfully as he felt vile clawing up his throat, threatening to spill over and make a mess. He gulped, trying to keep everything down before sighing and sitting up on his bed, throwing the covers off of himself to feel the chilly morning air and escape the uncomfortable warmth of his bed.
Today was the day, yes, today or never. He had told himself those exact same words the last two times it had been "The Day". But this time it was different, he was actually going to do it today.
Today he was finally going to come out to his partner, friends and family as transgender.
He just needed a few minutes more to reminisce everything good in his life before he completely fucked over his life and relationships.
The sound of his alarm going off finally snapped him out of thoughts, quickly moving to unplug it from its charger before hitting the snooze button. He felt particularly anxious today, and the thought of accidentally waking up his sister was rather unbearable because of that, even though he would usually not care whether he did or not.
For some reason he felt the need to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible today. He silently cursed his anxiety checked his notifications, most of them were just from people he followed on social media or something from the weather app. He discarded all of the ones he thought of as unimportant until just one notification remained, a nice little good morning message from his boyfriend, Toya Aoyagi.
He still couldn't believe to this day that his feelings had been mutual, even less that Toya had been the one to confess first. It still felt like a dream whenever he thought back to that day, and it still made him blush and sigh like a love sick idiot.
He, arguably, knew it had been selfish of him to reciprocate Toya's feelings.
Akito was most likely sure that Toya did not like men, not that the other man had ever shown romantic interest in anyone, anyone other than Akito at least, but the way he complimented the more feminine aspects of Akito, the aspects Akito quite disliked about himself, made it clear enough for him. Even if he had never outright asked him about his sexuality (because how do you even do that?).
Akito ran a hand through his eyes, realizing he had once again lost himself in his thoughts. He had a feeling he would zone out more than usual today.
He bit back a groan; he needed to answer to Toya's message. He had already thought of how, when and where he would come out to his boyfriend at least a hundred times already, but now that it was actually happening, he found himself chickening out once more.
Before he could, impulsively, back off from his plan he forced himself to write a quick and direct response to his boyfriend. Slamming his phone screen down on his pillow the moment he hit sent before picking it back up just as quickly.
—————————Today at 7:31—————————
toya: Good morning, Eiko. How did you sleep? I hope you had the most wonderful of dreams :-)
hey, gm to u too do u wanna go to that new cafe that opened recently? after school. i think it looked pretty nice + theres something important i want to tell u
toya: Oh? Of course, I would love to.
What exactly do you want to tell me? Is it something bad? I hope it isn't. Is something upsetting you? Did I upset you in anyway?
of course not. this has nothing to do with you its just me and something i have to tell you in person. but you havent done anything wrong ok? i love you <3
toya: That's good to know. I was really worried for a second there, I was scared I had done something wrong.
Let's walk there together after school, then. I'll be counting the minutes.
I love you too <3.
————————————————————————
With a relieved sigh Akito finally placed his phone down, scratching roughly at his head. "Geez..." He mumbled, now he was really anxious. He had almost instantly regretted sending the message, but what's done is done and he can't keep running away from the truth. He just hoped that everything would go well, that he would at least be able to feel comfortable as himself with the person he cared about the most.
He looked at the clock, it marked 7:39, it was better he started getting ready now. With a creak from his mattress, he slowly got out of bed and wasted no time on getting to the bathroom.
Taking showers always felt like a chore, Akito thought as he adjusted the shower's water pressure, he didn’t quite know why he started feeling this way about something as mundane as showering. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, he had an idea of why he felt like this, and like most things that made him feel bad about himself, it all came back to his gender. The act of getting undressed, of seeing himself in a body that didn’t feel right, was dreadful.
Of having to wash it, to take care of it, as if it belonged to him and didn’t loathe the way it looked or made him feel. He always tries to look anywhere but down when showering, to touch as little as possible as if his own flesh was something repugnant, something he despised with the soul that his body seemed to be so distant from.
It’s been years since the last time he’s felt indifferent about his own body, back when he only needed to worry about wearing the clothes his mother would pick for him it didn’t seem to matter as much, he wasn’t aware of how something as simple as clothing would change people’s perception of him back then.
Akito busies himself with these thoughts as he showers, and in the blink of an eye, he’s already turning the shower off. He dries himself off with a towel before wrapping that same towel around his body. He lets out a deep breath and moves back into his room to change into his uniform. Today would be a tiring day.
#
Akito sighed for what felt like the tenth time today as he placed and rearranged stuff on his desk, fingers fidgeting with a loose thread from his jacket.
Akito might have or might not have been avoiding Toya the entire day today. Taking a different route from the one he usually took with his boyfriend wasn't exactly avoiding him per se, going the other way whenever he saw the other man walking too close by might've been, and hiding himself in the girl's bathroom in recess just to avoid seeing him definitely was. And ignoring Toya's messages would surely send him to hell.
He knew it wasn't the right thing to do, especially after he told his partner that there was something important he needed to tell him. But Akito couldn't help it! It was as if his body moved on its own whenever he even felt the other man getting too close, and once he started, he couldn't stop, and now he was wallowing in nausea and guilt, definitely not feeling his best.
Usually, whenever he didn't feel good or was doing his best, he would just go to his boyfriend and relish in his calming aura as his soothing nature did wonders to Akito. But the usual was off the table now, a prisoner of his own making one might say.
"Hey girl!" Akito heard an overly cheerful voice say next to him, immediately straightening his posture as turned to look at his friend and bandmate, An Shiraishi. "Is everything okay?" She asked, cocking her head to the side with a worried yet friendly expression. Of course she was asking, Akito had seen the way she had been looking at him the whole day, sending questioning glares his way whenever they locked eyes. "Toya just sent me a message asking if you were okay, that he hadn't seen you all day and that you weren't answering any messages he sent you..."
"Ah—Yes, everything is okay, An. Thanks for asking. I just don't have a lot of battery left in my phone, so I'm trying to not use it as much..." He started, licking his lips nervously as he placed his hands firmly on his lap. Internally cringing at his own voice. "And well, I guess I've just been, uh, too distracted? Y'know, I need to catch up with all that homework I haven't done yet, and I guess I'm just a bit stressed, is all." He shrugged it off, running his finger through some of the piercings on his left ear.
"Can you just tell Toya not to worry? Tell him I'll be waiting for him by the school exit, and after he's done with his after-school duties and whatnot, that we can go to that place we talked about.”
That seemed to pique An's interest. "Oh? Where are you two going? What place are you talking about?"
"Just some new place that opened a few days ago, me and Toya thought it looked pretty good so we're going to pay it a visit today, just the two of us. You and Kohane can make your way to the weekend garage first, we'll probably get there a bit later than usual."
"Wow! Is it like, some sort of date thing? Wow! Oh, they grow up so fast!" An said, wiping an invisible tear from her eye, a proud smile on her face. "Yeah, okay! Kohane and I will be waiting for you two. But don't get too late, or we might get back to being a duo again." She said, playfully punching Akito on the shoulder before walking off, waving at him as she wished him good luck.
Akito waved back, talking to his friend helped ease his nerves a little, maybe not enough to face Toya in the eye, but he'd work on that on their way to the cafe. He then slowly started placing his stuff back in his backpack. Maybe he was stalling a little, but how could you blame him? He was about to make the most life-altering decision one can make; you can't just expect him to be calm.
#
He had to physically hold himself back from running back home the moment he got out of the school, leaning against one of the brick walls closest to the exit before sitting his ass down on the floor. He was so tired already, and the thought of that would happen next at the cafe with Toya filled him with dread.
Akito suddenly felt something warm pressing on the top of his head, snapping him out of thoughts. It was Toya. Oh God. It was happening.
"Eiko... haven't seen you in a while," Toya said, a smile and a blush on his face as he helped Akito get up, pressing a kiss to his temple and then his cheek, instantly making Akito feel fluttery all over.
"Ah, uh- yeah, I guess so, no? Haha—!" Akito mumbled, feeling his face heat up as Toya interlocked their hands. "I'm sorry... For not answering your messages and stuff! It's just that my phone was dead and- yeah... Sorry."
Toya didn't seem to mind much, seemingly more absorbed in running his thumb on the back of Akito's hand, eyes never leaving Akito’s flushed face. "It's okay. I get it, I had been a bit worried at first, but I'm okay now." Toya said with a shrug, pressing his forehead to Akito's, his smile never faltering. "Eiko... I missed you so much." He whispered, breath warm on Akito's face. "Could I kiss you?"
Akito gulped, running his tongue over his lips before nodding. "Yeah, sure! Of course." He answered, squeezing Toya's hand. The other man smiled, his cheeks turning a deeper shade of red before leaning in, eyes closing as he pulled Akito closer and pressed their lips together.
The kiss was tender, a bit tentative on Akito's part, but gentle and comforting nonetheless. Toya tasted pretty nice too, like that one cherry ChapStick that Akito really liked; it almost eased all of Akito's nerves altogether. But when Toya tries pressing his tongue past Akito’s lips and past his teeth, he’s suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling of fear; the thought that he might lose this, lose Toya, was too much to bear.
Akito feared he might genuinely start crying if they kept going. Despite wanting to continue, he forced himself to separate from Toya, pressing a chaste peck to the corner of his mouth before wrapping his arms around Toya's neck and hiding his face in the crook of it. “I’m sorry for bein’ this way, I dunno what’s up with me today. I’ve just been all over the place, I guess…” He blurted out, feeling tears wet his eyes which he tries to blink away. “That was really not cool from me.”
Akito can’t see the concern on Toya’s face, but he hears it when the other speaks, making him feel guilty for liking the tone being used on him. “Eiko…” That name again. “What’s wrong? What’s got you feeling so down? It might not be my place to ask, but did you and your father argue again?” Toya asked as he used his now free hand to caress Akito’s head while wrapping his other arm around Akito’s waist.
“No, no, it’s not that. Just forget ‘bout it, yeah?” Akito said as he separated himself from Toya once more, putting a bit of space between them. “Ah, weren’t we supposed to be at that café by now? I dunno when they close, so we should hurry unless we want to get locked out.” He smiled, trying to keep Toya from worrying more than necessary. “Oh, right, we did say we were going there after school.” Toya nodded, humming and looking nowhere in particular, before his eyes snapped back to Akito. “I won’t force you to tell me something you’re not ready to tell me, but do know that I will be there for you when you are.”
Akito groaned, smiling as he lightly pinched one of Toya’s cheeks. “Jesus, man, you’re so sappy.” He said with a chuckle before grabbing Toya’s hand in his. “I just say what I think is adequate, and I mean it. Akito, I’m here for you if you need me.”
“Fucking hell, man, I get it. You'd better stop it before you actually make me melt and you end up partnerless.” He wasn’t exaggerating. Toya really did nefarious things to his heat.
Toya smiled, giving Akito’s cheek a quick kiss before they finally set off. The walk to the café was nice, hand in hand, and mostly in comfortable silence, unless Toya decided to ask Akito how his English classes were going. “I think I’m improving.” He’d say as he averted his gaze from Toya, and the other would give him that knowing smile before offering to help him with anything if he needed it.
#
The café had a nice ambience, which was obvious from what you could see from the outside windows. It wasn’t completely packed, but it wasn’t empty either; it had a nice crowd of customers for the building's size, just enough to not feel suffocating. There was also a nice, sweet smell in the air, which in any other scenario, Akito would find appealing, but he couldn’t stand it today. The ball of nervousness, anxiety, and fear in his stomach was getting bigger and bigger by the second; he highly doubted he would be able to keep anything down.
They wasted no time in placing their orders. Toya got himself an americano, as usual, with some almond biscotti, while Akito settled on only getting himself some green tea. “Is that really all you’re going to get?” Toya had asked him once they sat down at an empty table, across from each other.
“Whaddya mean? Surprised I didn’t order myself a stack of pancakes this time?” He chuckled, resting his chin on the palm of his hand as he tried to appear undisturbed while also ignoring the way he couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing up and down.
“Well, kind of, yes,” Toya responded, matter-of-factly, which only earned him a glare from Akito. “I mean, like, more often than not, when we go to a new place, whether it’s a bakery or a café, you always base your opinion on them on how good their pancakes are.” He added, moving his hand over the table to grab Akito’s, it really seemed like the other couldn’t get his hands off of him today.
Akito simply hummed in response, not having the comeback to bite Toya with. His eyes dragged over the way Toya held his hand, with such gentleness that contrasted with the coldness of his hands. He wondered if he would still hold his hand the same way once he knew how fucked up his so-called “girlfriend” was.
Hell, would he even look at him the same way? Would he even bother to look at him at all?
“Eiko? Is everything alright?” Akito was jolted back from his thoughts by the sound of Toya’s voice being directed at him. His eyes were soft with concern, had Akito stayed quiet for too long?
“Toya…” He muttered, subconsciously squeezing Toya’s hand, straightening in his seat as a tense ambience surged between them; the idle chatter of the other costumers seemed faraway now. “D’you remember how I told you there was somethin’ important I needed to tell you?” Akito murmured, his voice trailing off into a much quieter one as he lowered his eyes.
Toya nodded, encouraging Akito to continue. “Well… this has been something that I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long while. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time now and-” His voice cracked. He held his head down, feeling himself start to tear up once more as he tried to compel his trembling voice down. This was bad; he was starting to stall again. He just needed to get this out in the open, simple as that.
“Toya… I think… Fuck, I’m trans, Toya. Transgender or whatever you call it.” Akito finally blurted out, instantly pulling his hand away from Toya’s but the other wouldn’t budge, instead his grip on him tightened but he stayed quiet, and Akito was too scared to look up. “Jesus, I’m really sorry Toya. I dunno why, this is just how I am- I’m so sorry.”
It was quiet. Toya wouldn’t say anything, and that made a spontaneous feeling of anger start to stir low in his belly. It was involuntary, a pointless reaction born out of fear. In one quick motion, Akito yanked his hand away from Toya’s, slamming both his fists on the table with a loud slam. “Why aren’t you saying anything!? Say something, yell at me, fucking anything!” He knew he didn’t have the right to force an answer out of him; anyone would be shocked, speechless, when confronted with such a confession. But Akito couldn’t stand it.
The café was truly quiet after his outburst; he could feel everyone’s eyes on them, on him. He hated it, the attention he himself had created. With a shaky sigh, he finally lifted his head, his eyes instantly meeting Toya’s. The other man looked shocked, surprised at his foolish temper tantrum, confused, maybe even disgusted or angry. Akito couldn’t really differentiate what he was seeing from what his mind made him see.
He didn’t even want to know what he himself looked like, but he could taste the saltiness from his own tears. A worker from the place slowly came up to them, careful not to worsen anything. Akito didn’t need to look at them to know they were about to be kicked out, so before they could even say anything, he made the hasty decision of storming out on his own, bumping against the employee with more force than necessary on his way out.
Akito didn’t hear anyone call out to him, and no one stopped him when he started running off.
When he got home, he saw Ena sitting on the living room couch, sketchbook in hand. She gave him a bored look before seeing his tear-stained face and reddened eyes; she didn’t ask anything even though it looked like she wanted to. Akito ignored her and went to sulk in his room.