Work Text:
—
10:21
It was a random Wednesday, there hadn't been many important missions recently, at least not by the Armed Detective Agency's standards.
Dazai can hear Kunikida growing more and more annoyed by the minute. They hear him shouting and mumbling.
"Where is that kid..." He was pissed.
Like the awesome coworker Dazai is, they walk up to Kunikida.
"Awh... Kunikida what's wrong?"
Their smile is devious. Kunikida turns around with a sigh and his anger had quickly became worry.. strange.
"Atsushi.. just- he's late and he left work early yesterday. It's not like him, or at least i hope you aren't rubbing off on him."
Dazai hums, dismissing the small comment about themself with a smirk, and takes a moment to think about this. They wonder what was up with Atsushi.
They did notice something was off with him yesterday, seeing the younger boy itch awkwardly and nervously at his arms, like he was fighting temptations.
Dazai freezes, coming to a realisation, one that reminded them a bit too much of themself. They stares Kunikida in the eyes for a moment longer before grabbing their coat.
"I'm checking on him." They shout as they leave the Agency, despite Kunikida's confused yet somewhat angry shouts.
10:26
—
10:39
Dazai doesn't bother with knocking on Atsushi's door, they just kick it straight down.
Atsushi had always been like their younger brother, they grew to enjoy mentoring the boy. Taking care of him reminded them of how they used to be taken care of by a specific old friend.
Dazai rushes to Atsushi after not hearing even a squeak from him. He looked a mess. There weren't actual evidence of any cuts or scars, but the blood around him was appalling. Atsushi looked at Dazai in a haze.
"Dazai..?" His voice was soft, slightly shaky.
There was a blade by his left leg, blood was on the floor but no there were any visible marks on Atsushi. His eyes looked foggy as he stared at Dazai, confused. He appears not to have even the slightest clue of what the floor and mess around implies.
Dazai feels their heart drop into their stomach seeing Atsushi like this. They looks okay physically, but they also know how Atsushi's ability works, how it can heal injuries. Either way, something clearly isn't right. Those empty eyes scare the hell out of Dazai, not in an extreme way, maybe it's just out of worry. Maybe they really have grown soft in the light.
"Atsushi..." Their voice comes out as a whisper, the usually playful and unserious voice suddenly laced with worry.
Dazai crouches infront of Atsushi, they stays staring into his eyes, trying to figure out what could've possibly been going through his brain for the mess around him to happen.
"Did you..." Their words fade away but the implication is heavy, or at least they hope.
Atsushi looks around his surroundings, then down at his supposedly clean arms and legs. He seems so out of it, so out of touch from reality. His eyes squint before widening, his hands beginning to shake.
"I.. I'm sorry..." He whispers out, his body retracting into itself.
Dazai's face remains stern as they reach out for the shaken boy's wrists. They holds them close, letting out an Their excellently hidden - worried breath. His voice comes out careful, firm, they needed Atsushi's full attention for this.
"Atsushi, look at me."
Atsushi slowly looked up at Dazai, his hands shaking in the bandaged ones of the older person. Dazai takes this as an opportunity to continue.
"Talk me through it, what happened?"
Atsushi briefly looks down. Dazai squeezes his wrists to focus his attention back to their eyes.
"I... I don't.. I don't know.. I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." His voice was shaken, breaking at the apology.
Dazai's face becomes more firm, their grip around Atsushi's wrists accidentally tightening.
This could be symptoms for so much, but the most clear thing was Atsushi's trauma. Everyone who has ever talked to Atsushi knew he had trauma, but nobody truly knew the depth of it. And if anyone tried asking Ranpo for some insight, he'd always say "It isn't my business to tell" or *""The truth will come out eventually..".
After a moment, Dazai speaks up again.
"Okay... okay.. it's okay, Atsushi.." It was more like they were trying to convince themself.
They weren't sure what to do in this situation. So for once, they do what their gut tells them, what they think Odasaku would do, if it was Dazai shaken up, their wrists in Oda's hands. They pull Atsushi's wrists closer, bringing the boy's whole body closer, then Dazai releases his wrists and instead throws their arms around him.
Atsushi's reaction stalls in surprise before he hugs Dazai back, sitting up properly. Tears start forming in his eyes, regret hitting him hard.
"I'm sorry..." He says once again, his head falling into Dazai's shoulder.
Dazai lets their face soften now Atsushi can't see it. They gently rub his back.
"Shh.. don't apologise, it's okay..."
Dazai wasn't sure where to go from here, so they just let Atsushi cry onto their shoulder. It was obvious he had been bottling up a lot, and for some reason it made Dazai angry, but more with themself than anyone else.
Seeing Atsushi like this, a crumpled up mess, reminded them of themself when they were younger. But so so much younger, before the Port Mafia.
—
Before the Mafia, Dazai tried their best to stay positive for their siblings. They were meant to be the happy, younger-middle child.
That's how they made sure they interpreted them. But there were times, times where Dazai cried alone when they knew nobody could hear or see them. Times where they would have proof on their body of what they had done, not just implications.
Dazai also knows how this cycle was broken, and it sure as hell wasn't positive.
—
Dazai held Atsushi close. They close their eyes, trying to think of ways to get Atsushi a better ending. They needed to be someone who protects people, Atsushi being the main priority here. But they know the tiger boy isn't one for opening up or pity.
"Atsushi..." They pause, thinking their words over.
Atsushi looks up, his eyes red as tears still flowed carefully. He's starting to come back to his senses, back to reality. He leans back, a small hiccup escaping his lips.
"Sorry..." His voice was still quiet, ashamed of his own emotions.
Dazai simply shook their head, their arms falling slowly to their sides.
"No, listen to me Atsushi." Their voice was firm, authoritative as they spoke. "You need to talk to someone, anyone. And before you say anything, you don't get a choice with this." Dazai pauses to take a deep breath, allowing their voice to soften the slightest amount. "I won't tell anyone yet, okay? I'm trusting you to do so yourself if you aren't willing to talk to me."
Dazai knew how much pity can annoy the soul. After all, they hated it too. But they hated more how similar Atsushi was to them. It makes them wonder if that was how he's always been, or maybe this was Dazai's fault, just like Kunikida implied earlier on.
Atsushi nods slowly, sniffing and occasionally rubbing his eyes to remove any trace of tears. He lets out one more hiccup before speaking again.
"I'll... I'll talk to someone when I'm not such a mess..." He laughs softly, lowering his head.
Dazai sighs but a small playful smiles starts to grow. They ruffle Atsushi's hair in a joking yet affectionate way.
"Good!" They looks into Atsushi's eyes, he looked more grounded now, that was definitely good.
"Seriously though, talk to someone, at least in the next three days, or I'm going straight to Yosano. And who knows what she might do to get all of that information out..." They purposely trails their words, a smirk growing.
Atsushi squeaks. He knows how pushy Yosano can be when there's something important at hand, he has been working at the Agency for two years now after all.
"Alright.." His voice was still shaken, but that was only natural with how much he cried.
Dazai gently pats Atsushi's head before pulling their hand away. They looks to the blade and droplets of blood surrounding the area in which Atsushi sat. They sigh before looking back up at him.
"I guess I should do something for you since you always do my paperwork..." They try to keep the mood playful. "Let me help you clean up, hm?"
Atsushi raises his eyebrows slightly before his face softens. "I... okay, thank you..." He smiles softly.
Dazai nods, their hand immediately grabbing Atsushi's blade first. Priorities first. Atsushi's eyes widen slightly, swallowing hard. He knew what Dazai was about to do, throw it away, but he didn't want that... he depended on that.
"Wait, Dazai-"
"Nope! Not hearing it! It's gotta go, sorry Atsushi!" Dazai raises their empty hand to Atsushi's face, shushing him. "I'll come back with some cleaning supplies." They starts to stand up before pausing, their voice lowering.
"Where are your cleaning products...?"
Atsushi snorts out a laugh and carefully lowers Dazai's hand. "In the cupboard next to the sink.."
Dazai nods, standing up. They messes Atsushi's hair up again before walking to his kitchen area. They chuck the blade in the bin before heading to the lower cupboards. Dazai grabs out two cloths and a spray before returning to Atsushi.
Atsushi was staring at the blood on the floor, his mind raced with guilt. Not only was Atsushi not clean again (mentally), but Dazai now knew about it, and he has to tell someone about it. He hated people worrying about him, he had to be there for others, not as a weight but as support.
Dazai throws a cloth onto Atsushi's face, they hear a small squeak from the man and feels relief wash over their body. They were glad Atsushi was still grounded. They lean down and start spraying over all the areas of blood.
"What? Did you expect me to do all of this by myself?" Dazai smirks, watching Atsushi remove the cloth off of his face.
"No- no, not at all.. I mean, you don't have to help me out here.. I can clean this myself.."
"Nonsense!! Let me help with something jeez.."
Atsushi laughs lightly, the both of them now scrubbing the floor with their cloths. "That's not what I meant. Thank you, for helping me.."
Dazai's face softens the smallest amount as they rolls their eyes.
"Don't mention it. How are you feeling now anyway?"
"Better, thank you, again for just.. a lot i guess." Atsushi's eyes stay focused on his now fading mess.
"I said don't mention it..." Dazai mutters, they weren't used to the feeling they were experiencing. In all fairness, it was a rare one to feel. They wonder how often Odasaku felt this, especially the day he saved Dazai.
11:15
—
11:38
After the two of them finish cleaning, Dazai stretches with a groan.
"AUGHHH I am NEVER cleaning again..." Their voice is exaggerated, but not in a way that can make Atsushi feel guilty.
Atsushi lets out a soft giggle, picking up Dazai's cloth with his own in one hand, the other taking the spray. The two of them actually did a neat job. Atsushi stood up, arching his back to click it.
"Doesn't Kunikida clean your room for you anyway..?" Atsushi walks past Dazai into the kitchen.
"Yeah, exactly!"
Atsushi lightly shook his head. He threw the cloths in the sink and the spray back into the cupboard. He hears Dazai walk towards him before they spoke.
"I guess I should get back to work, otherwise Kunikida will just be screaming in my ear about worrying him or something." Dazai sighs, never wanting to go back to work. They walk past Atsushi, stopping a few before the door, their face becoming serious again.
"Also, I won't tell him any details, obviously. The only person i would tell is Yosano, but that's only if you don't tell anyone in the next three days." Dazai turns his body slightly, his head turning more so to look at Atsushi. "I don't mean to put pressure on you for this, but you I hope you come to understand why I am."
Atsushi stays quiet. He swallows lightly, his body posture almost stiff again. He gently nods, his eyes looking away.
Dazai sighs for one final time before turning back, their bandaged hand finding itself on the door knob.
"The agency cares about you, I'll see you at work tomorrow, hm?"
"Mhm..." Atsushi nods more smoother, a soft smile on his face. It was forced, and clearly so. It was good Dazai wasn't looking at him now.
Dazai opens the door and leaves. They do wish they could do something more for Atsushi, they just hope this deadline will help him accomplish something.
Atsushi understands that the agency cares. He understands they're a family meaning they all cared for eachother.
Yet there he stood in the emptiness of his room, not wanting them to worry. He didn't want to let them down, let them see him as a weak being.
Atsushi knows he should say something, he knows he should talk about his feelings and get help.
But in the end, he was too afraid, too disgusted of himself.
It's not like he was a human being, his needs have never been prioritised anyway, why start now?
11:47
—
20:32
Dazai was now at a bar.
Even though its been around 9 hours since they saw the state Atsushi was in, they can't help but still feel worried.
They sat by the bar, face against the bar top, their finger circling the rim of their whiskey glass. They groan softly, trying to figure out what to do. Luckily, they called a slug to rant to.
Chuuya came in with a sigh, his hands in his pockets as usual. He seemed annoyed, though he usually was when Dazai was involved, this time it seemed like he had plans that were ruined.
Chuuya slides onto the seat next to Dazai.
"So what are you moaning about now, stupid mackerel?"
Dazai slowly sat up with yet another groan. "Urgggghhh chibi.. I don't know what to do...."
"Stop calling me that-"
"I'm having problems with poor Atsushi!!" They whined, cutting Chuuya off.
Chuuya's interest seemed to rise. He raised his eyebrows but kept himself composed. Dazai was too whiny to notice something as small as that tonight.
"The weretiger?" Chuuya asks. The bartender comes over and Chuuya quickly mutters his order, slightly waving a hand.
"Yeah, the 'weretiger'" Dazai mocked, taking a gulp from their glass. "Ughh I've never been stuck in a situation like this, slug!"
Chuuya rolled his eyes with the usual nickname. He crossed one leg over the other, facing Dazai.
"So... what's going on with him?.."
"Well.. I promised not to tell anyone, but it's okay because you don't know him.."
Chuuya slowly nods. His drink is placed infront of him and he then nods at the bartender, silently thanking him. He takes a larger sip of his own whiskey (it was easier to have than wine right now), preparing himself for what Atsushi might've got himself into.
"Well..." Dazai's voice had became more serious now, his worry more clear. This made Chuuya take another sip.
"Yesterday, I noticed he was acting a bit more like... freaked out than usual? And he left work early" Dazai pauses slightly.
"It was only this morning that I realised he was scratching and itching at his arms. Chuuya he.. it was like how I-" They cuts themself off, sighing heavily.
Chuuya's eyes widen slightly. He was starting to piece things together. "Are you implying what I think you are?" His voice was calm despite how he felt his heart drop. Just the thought of Atsushi wanting to hurt himself worried Chuuya.
Dazai nods, their eyes now closed as they take a sip of their drink again. "He.. I went to his dorm and I just.." They shake their head. "I've failed Odasaku..." They whisper out, just enough for Chuuya to hear however.
"Wait, wait wait, hold up." Chuuya sits properly, leaning towards Dazai's slumped figure. "Did he really harm himself?!"
Dazai nods, their eyes not leaving thej glass as they start to swirl it around.
"Shit..." Chuuya whispers out, leaning back.
They sat there in tense and heavy silence. Chuuya checked his phone, swallowing hard. Dazai starts to speak up.
"Chibi what should I do? I don't know what-"
Chuuya downs his drink and places it on the table with a quiet slam. He gets some money out, placing it blindly next to the empty glass.
"Gotta go, needed for something." Chuuya calls out as he rushes out.
"Wh- Hey! What about my advice! You're not being a good dog!" Dazai shouts after him but doesn't get up from their stoll. They sighs with a small groan, turning back to face their own problems themself.
Chuuya runs to a certain block of dorms, wishing he brought his car.
20:49
—
21:12
Chuuya immediately opens the door to Atsushi's dorm. He doesn't bother knocking but he knows he doesn't need to.
This time, Atsushi squeaks as he hears his door open and close with a slam. Before he knew it, Chuuya was sliding into his lap, hugging him tightly.
Atsushi's face transforms from shock into a soft smile, his arms automatically wrapping around Chuuya.
"Chuuya...? What are you doing here..." He asks softly, leaning his head into his shoulder.
"Atsushi, have you been harming yourself?" Chuuya's voice wasn't vulnerable yet, but the worry was definitely there. He was trying to remain calm through this.
He knows that's not the best way to go about the situation, but he finds it better to be upfront rather than dance around the situation.
Atsushi's heart drops. His body freezes, the answer clear already. He hopes to deflect the question. "Where.. where'd you hear this from?"
Chuuya's hand clench slightly before he pulled back, gently cupping Atsushi's cheeks.
"That's not important. Yes or no?" He knows he's being pushy, but he also knows it's the only way he can get information out of Atsushi.
Atsushi stiffens slightly before he breathes it all out, relaxing in Chuuya's gentle yet firm touch. He closes his eyes and whispers, "Yes..."
Chuuya freezes. He didn't want to hear the confirmation from Atsushi. "Oh Atsu... fuck..."
"I'm sor-"
"No, don't. Don't apologise. I just wish you felt you could've talked to me about this.."
Atsushi felt his eyes tear up. Chuuya's voice sounded so gentle, he still wasn't used to it. "That's not..." He pauses, trying to pull Chuuya closer.
"It's not like that at all... I'm just.. not good at talking about things..." He slowly opened his eyes, locking them with Chuuya's.
Chuuya leans in to kiss Atsushi's nose. "Shh..." He leaned back in. "How about you try talking about it tonight?... please?"
A small amount of pink coloured his cheeks before he slightly nodding. Obviously he was nervous, but he trusted Chuuya a lot. Plus it's obvious that he feels guilty for not being able to open up to Chuuya in the first place.
"Okay... Okay I'll try.. but, can we stay like this..? Sorry if it's a weird ask.."
Chuuya smiles subtly at the request. His arms go around Atsushi again, giving him warmth and comfort. "Of course, Sunflower."
—
Atsushi loves the special nicknames Chuuya gives him. He came up with 'sunflower' after connecting his eyes to the sunset, which then made him think of the sun, then eventually sunflowers. Plus, they say sunflowers always face the sun, and Chuuya's hair and attitude were sometimes described as firey.
—
Atsushi takes a deep breath, it was definitely not easy for him to talk about his own feelings.
"I just... I feel so useless these days.." He starts off strong. "I feel like eventually, everyone at the Agency will get tired of me, or won't find me useful anymore.."
Chuuya leans his head down, burying his head into Atsushi's neck as he listens closely.
"And everything my old orphanage headmaster had done, and everything he said... I'm still not over it, Chuu." Atsushi takes a small pause, closing his eyes and resting his face on chuuya's shoulder.
"I know he died two years ago.. but I still see him, and I can't get his words out of my head. The worst part is, I really do think everything he said was true!" His eyes water again. "What if I was better off dying in a ditch somewhere..."
Chuuya's breath hitches hearing Atsushi's words. He pulls back slightly.
"Atsushi, listen to me. Don't you ever think like that again." His voice is firm now, so they definitely reach his brain.
"You are an amazing human being. You're so ridiculously kind, and you deserve every minute of your life. I'm so grateful I met you and I'm so happy I can spend my nights holding you close like this, even if it's as a secret." Chuuya takes a deep breath. He sees tears starting to fall down Atsushi's face and kisses them away gently.
"Plus, your whole orphanage and staff were a bunch of fucking assholes. Their words are completely false so try not to think about them too much. Okay?" He kisses Atsushi's cheek softly before pulling back, looking into his eyes.
Atsushi cracks a smile, his eyes still threatened to overflow more as he stared back at Chuuya.
"Okay... I..." He pauses, his breath hitching slightly. "I love you so much, I'm sorry..." Atsushi leans forward into Chuuya's touch.
Chuuya starts gently rocking them both side to side, holding Atsushi close. "Shh... I love you too.."
Atsushi ducks his head slightly to hide it into Chuuya's neck this time. Atsushi has no idea how he found someone so perfect, even if he was from the enemy organisation, and even if their relationship has to be a secret. He didn't care, he was just glad nobody found out yet. His arms tighten around Chuuya, tears sauntering down his cheeks.
Chuuya lifts his head, holding Atsushi's closer. His hands run softly through the ends of Atsushi's hair, soothing him and letting him cry it out.
"Hey, sunflower?"
Atsushi hums in response, sniffing quietly.
"Can i stay around here tonight? I don't really want to leave you.." He admits quietly.
Atsushi smiles despite the tears. He nods against Chuuya's neck, bringing himself in closer.
"...Please."
Chuuya smiles softly, closing his eyes.
"Did you just sleep early?" He knows crying can be exhausting, especially if it happens more than once. Plus, Chuuya could hear it growing in his voice.
"Mhm.." Atsushi was tired today anyway. He can't seem to remember if he had even slept last night.
Chuuya's smile grows. He pulls back slightly and kisses the top of Atsushi's head.
"Alright then, I'll get us some water, you get comfortable.."
Atsushi nods, his arms slowly releasing Chuuya as he stands up. Atsushi hiccups gently, rubbing away any tears. He felt like a child like this and he hated it. He was still in his pyjamas as he hadn't changed all day.
He stands up and grabs an extra pillow from his wardrobe, Atsushi doubts they'll use it, but thinks to grab it anyway. He hadn't bought himself a proper bed yet, only saved up for a mattress, but it was comfortable so there was no way Atsushi would complain.
Plus, even a mattress was a luxury to him compared to what he's had for the early stages of his life.
Atsushi puts the pillow down next to his own, the mattress just being big enough to squish it in. He lays down, getting comfortable as he hears a second glass being filled up from the kitchen.
Chuuya returns with both glasses and places them next to the mattress. He takes his coat, jacket, shoes and belt off, putting them in a neat pile in the corner before joining Atsushi in bed.
Atsushi turns around and wraps his arms and a leg around Chuuya, not wasting a second before cuddling with him. Chuuya smiles, letting out a small sigh before fitting his body between Atsushi's limbs. It was like connecting two puzzle pieces together.
Atsushi flutters his eyes shut, his hand running gently through Chuuya's hair.
"I'm sorry for being such a heavy weight..." He gently whispers out.
Chuuya gently shakes his head as he buries it further into Atsushi's collarbone.
"None of that, Sunflower.. you aren't a heavy weight or burden at all, understand?"
Chuuya's arms hold Atsushi back tightly, their legs tangling between eachother. They looked like they were in an uncomfortable mess, but the two of them had never been more comfortable.
"Sleep now..." Chuuya whispers out.
Atsushi hums. "Okay... I love you, my pretty baby..." Atsushi always called Chuuya pretty, but simply because he is.
Chuuya smiles at the nickname.
"I love you too, Sunflower..."
The two of them quickly fell asleep after that.
21:39
—
2:45
There was a shift in the wind, it became colder.
Atsushi felt him, his orphanage headmaster, watching him again. Atsushi found himself suddenly stood up, the room was dark and Chuuya was nowhere to be seen.
"Chuuya...?" He whispers out, fear hiding poorly in his voice.
Atsushi walks around, trying not look behind him. He couldn't find any walls or any other indication of a room. It was like he was in an endless, dark void that still had access to the wind.
"Chuuya?" He calls out again, louder this time. "Where are you?" Atsushi felt his fear growing stronger, he didn't like being alone, not anymore.
"Pathetic." A voice hisses at him.
Atsushi turns around quickly, looking frantically for that voice. He knew that voice, it had haunted him for most of his life, after all.
He didn't want to hear him again, Atsushi had gone so long without seeing or hearing that man. He thought he was healing.
"You'll never change." The voice growls again.
Atsushi keeps turning, though the room was practically a void, he felt like it was spinning with him.
"I'm not afraid of you! Not anymore!" Atsushi's voice shook slightly, as if he didn't believe himself.
"You're dead... This.. This isn't real." He swallows hard, still trying to find the source of his voice.
The figure steps out of the endless shadow, revealing Atsushi's orphanage headmaster, his eyes shadowed over, hiding what Atsushi imagines is a dark glare.
"You've grown a backbone, I see." His headmaster calls out, not sounding too impressed.
Atsushi quickly turns around, facing the headmaster. His feet instinctively move backwards, disliking how real this felt and looked.
The orphanage headmaster walked towards and around Atsushi, circling him slowly like he's prey.
"Okay, let's say I'm not real then. That just means you already understand how useless you are, to everyone."
Atsushi shakes his head, going to step back again but pauses as the headmaster walks round again. He looked down, his hands trembling slightly.
"That's not true... I- I've saved Yokohama before, I'm not..." His voice trails off, unsure again.
The headmaster stops, directly behind Atsushi.
"Yet, you didn't do much now, did you? You still needed the help from others, they're the real heroes, not you. Never you. You're weak, pathetic, you're too dependent on people and you only annoy them." His words were harsh, cold.
Atsushi continues to shake his head, his hands covering his ears.
"N-No!" He screams out. "You're not real! Get out of my head!"
The headmaster snickers humourlessly, turning around and taking two steps away from Atsushi.
"You're still the same as you were in my care, how childish." He sounded disappointed, ashamed. Atsushi knows he shouldn't care about that, but it made him feel like shit.
—
Atsushi's body shook against Chuuya's, his hands twitching at times. His head shook slightly above Chuuya's as he started mumbling something in his sleep.
"No... That's not... I'm not..."
Chuuya stirred slightly, but remained asleep for now.
Suddenly, Atsushi bolted awake with a gasp, his body tense and pulled away from Chuuya's. Chuuya finally woke up, his eyes opening quickly.
"Huh? Atsushi?"
Chuuya blinked a few times, focusing his vision. Atsushi had retracted his body away from Chuuya, still processing that he was in the real world again. Chuuya's face softens quickly and he sits up, yawning slightly as he shuffles up on Atsushi's bed.
"Hey, Atsushi," Chuuya gently tilts Atsushi's chin up. "Look at me.. It's okay, it was just a nightmare.. I'm here, okay?"
Atsushi swallowed hard, looking into Chuuya's eyes. He really didn't like how realistic that all looked, and sounded. Yet, his hallucinations always had a way of being realistic, it makes sense his nightmares would be too.
"Right... a nightmare." He mutters out softly. However, he still seemed distant, still waking up.
The thing is, sure, it was a nightmare, but that didn't mean what was said was false. He is useless, isn't he? Just weak and dependent.
Chuuya notices the off tone in Atsushi's voice. He switches onto his knees, trying to get closer to his lover. He hates seeing him like this, it made him feel uneasy in a way he can't explain.
"You know, you should talk about your nightmares. It helps them to not return."
Chuuya wasn't exactly superstitious, but he said anything to help Atsushi out right now.
"It was nothing, really..." Atsushi starts off. Then he remembers the small sadness in Chuuya's face earlier, when he talked about not being great at opening up. So, he sighs, preparing himself.
"Just.. my orphanage headmaster again. Everything was cold and dark.. I couldn't see anything. It was just a void, a void with him in it." He swallows hard. "He went and said–"
Chuuya knew how this was going to go. He didn't really want to hear the words come out of Atsushi's mouth, not again, not after how he was talking earlier that evening. So he cuts him off.
"Atsushi, Enough. Listen to me again, okay? Remember what I said earlier." His voice was stern, yet it carried a softness not given to many.
"You are an amazing human being." He repeats. "You're deserving of the love given to you, understand? Whatever he said simply wasn't true. Your mind creates him to downplay who you are, to destroy how much you've thought and shown your own strength in this world. So stop listening."
Atsushi's eyes widen slightly. He never expects this, these kind words, the gentle actions. People telling him he's human. He'd cry again if he hadn't done so much earlier on. He opens his legs and pulls Chuuya closer, who easily allows himself to be dragged into another hug.
Chuuya kisses Atsushi's hair repeatedly, wrapping his arms around his neck.
"You're funny, selfless, kind, strong. Just fucking amazing, okay?"
Atsushi nods, his arms around Chuuya's back and keeping him close.
"You're too kind to me, Chuuya." He mutters softly.
"Obviously not kind enough if you believe that dream-asshole's words."
Atsushi lets himself relax and soak into not only Chuuya's arms, but his words too. A part of him will always believe he isn't worthy of any of this. Some days that part will be consuming, others it will hardly exist. Right now, it was fading away with each kiss pressed to his hair.
Chuuya and Atsushi find their way under the covers again. They stayed close to eachother, always holding eachother, always supporting eachother. No matter the problem or issue, they were always there for eachother in the end, and that's what mattered.
So what if they kept eachother a secret? It was protection, safety. Their organisation are strict, though they've partnered up before, they were still enemies. That won't change for a long time.
They both sleep peacefully now, keeping eachother warm in the late night, not thinking of anyone but themselves. As if they were the only two people who existed on this planet. It was peaceful for once, extremely calming.