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Yin Yu had a solid routine at this point in his life. Go to his mundane office job in the morning, and take a lunch break at the local cafe to read webnovels with his noise canceling headphones in the corner with a cup of coffee in leu of a meal. Then he would finish his work shift, go home, cook some semblance of a meal, shower, and get ready for the next day.
If he had any extra energy on top of this, a miracle occuring maybe once a week, but usually only on the weekends since he had no social life outside of constantly evading Jian Shi's texts, he would pull out his guitar and play whatever songs he had playing incessantly in his ears and mind that week. He was nothing special, at this point he had gotten down basically all of the chords and scales, could do some basic improvization, and he could sing the notes with proper pitch, even if it sounded mediocre when the song was not made for his vocal range.
This routine was enough. It was manageable and predictable, and he was sometimes even able to go weeks without feeling like he wanted to destroy everything around him and disappear, then settling for screaming into his pillow and falling asleep from the exhaustion. Did the life he set up do anything to mend the shame settled deep into his soul like it was the foundation of his existence?
No.
But he was born with that shame before he knew how to speak, it was much like the water stains in the corner of his apartment. It was always there, and should maybe be concerning, but he was used to living with it at this point. He did not even have to shove it into box like he would in the past like denying that it was a part of him. Instead, he could survive sitting with that guilt as his only companion as long as nothing unexpected happened to throw off his routine. Through years of therapy, he tried painstakingly to work through what he felt like could be the cause of this guilt, but no matter how much he talked it did nothing to unearth what felt like the truth. Why did he even try? Better to save the money and move on with his life as he was now.
Plus, there were the recurring vivid dreams he had for as long as he could remember. Of being the head disciple of a martial arts sect in ancient times, taking in a uniquely talented child off the streets, ascending to godhood with him, and then ruining it all just as he had feared from the very start. He probably consumed too many xianxia novels along with the resulting rabbit holes of mythology he went down while reading them.
Yin Yu had picked up guitar as a teen, after having abandoned violin when he realized he was not cut out for it after multiple mental breakdowns and failed auditons. He put together a few years of saved red envelopes to buy a cheap secondhand guitar from a nearby shop. Every time his mother would go to her work shift late in the afternoon, he would play in the silence of his empty home until she returned deep in the night. He would say that he had a good technical sense for music at that point from his classical music training. He knew how scales and chord progressions worked, even how to sight read rythym and pitch with some accuracy.
But he never understood how to get from technically playing correctly, to embuing the sound with the essence of musicality that moved one emotionally. The way he felt listening to a live orchestral performance. How the music seemed to thrum and cycle through his organs like passionate waves crashing onto shores he had never gotten to visit but could vividly imagine just through the sound of talented musicians working together. Listening to live orchestral music was some of the only moments in his life he would forget who he was, and just exist in the sonic space that the performers created as it bounced off the curved pannels throughout the ceiling, as if Yin Yu could absorb the music through his skin instead of just through his ears.
Since his teens, Yin Yu had some breakthroughs with the guitar. Usually the way his practicing would go was that he felt his ability to listen and interpret music would progress much faster than his ability to actualize the sound he desired. It was so fucking frustrating. Yet he pushed through the frustration of living every day, so he could manage this, stubbornly.
It was all worth it for the days that it felt like everything came together in a moment of epiphany. It would feel as though Yin Yu had a full body experience. Before, it was as though there was something blocking the path by which his brain sent signals to his hands and fingers, causing resistence. But he pushed through regardless, repeating the same riffs over and over and over again numb to the flaking blisters on his fingers, the aching strain of his wrist.
The obsession to get it right pushing against that resistence, nearly buzzing inside of Yin Yu dissonantly, until it settled in a frequency in line with the tempo of his playing and pitch. Yin Yu felt as though he could stop thinking about what his fingers were doing, like he could step out of his mind to feel the movement of the music cycle through his body combining to create a layer of harmonics soaring above the rushing current of his song.
Yin Yu was suddenly awakened from his trance by a loud cracking sound, causing his ears to buzz with disorientation, the objects in his room shifting in and out of focus shrouded in a layer of chromatic abberation. When he looked down at his hands they felt increasingly far away from his eyes, causing Yin Yu to panic, putting down the guitar to stumble towards his bed and flop on his stomach until the dizziness subsided. Maybe this was his body punishing him for his only nutrition that day being a black coffee and energy drink before practicing for hours continuously.
Or maybe this was some sort of fever? Yin Yu could feel a nauseating heat running rampant in his body, like his organs were incorrectly pressing on each other within his own body. He mustered the strength to feel for the 1/3 remaining protein bar on his nightstand from the night before to consume desperately with his eyes shut, falling asleep mid bite.
When Yin Yu opened his eyes, he noticed the lights were still on from the night before. A man with dark luscious curls came in, wearing traditional clothing doned with intricate battle armor, a trail of blood flowed coming from a deep wound on his neck. It seemed this point in time was just after the setting of that one recurrent nightmare that caused many sleepless nights for Yin Yu.
"Are you really sick of me, Shixiong?" Rang in Yin Yu's head, likely due to the wound inhibiting the man's ability to speak out loud.
This question again. Yin Yu never knew how to answer it, because it was not him who fucked up, but it also WAS him. If the events were not real, then why did it feel so intense, why did Yin Yu feel responsible for the crimes committed to a figment of his own imagination? Why did looking at what was basically just a hallucination, merely a group of neurons firing in sync, make him feel like his heart was being squeezed. Yin Yu felt almost every emotion overlapping at once. Guilt, shame, resentment, anger, love… regret. What did he regret? How far back in the labyrinth would Yin Yu have to go until he reached that critical moment of no return, and fix it?
Why did Yin Yu feel more strongly about this than anything that has happened in his actual life? He could not even access what "actual life" felt like at this moment. The boundary of his ego dissolving within this liminal space.
Yin Yu opened his mouth to try to say something. Was it an apology, an explanation, a cry for help? He had not thought this far. Regardless, nothing came out, he could feel the air moving up his throat but it did not catch his vocal chords along the way, no matter how hard he tried to push. The most that came out was a hoarse whistling sound. The only part of his body that could move was his mouth and yet that was still not enough to communicate.
"I came all this way to find you, and you can't even answer a simple question? Who even are you? Are you the Shixiong who raised me, or are you the utter failure who commanded that I go die?" His face had twisted further into anger as he spoke, eyes glowing red, godly aura emanation from him turning into a wind that shook the objects in Yin Yu's room to the point of tipping. He walked up to Yin Yu, hands grabbing onto his shoulders to shake him.
"ANSWER ME!"
Yin Yu felt the warmth of those hands viscerally, he could feel the air from the God's words brush against his ears, electricity surged through his body. He could not answer the question. He wanted the God to come even closer, he wanted to escape, he wanted those hands to desperately move along his body, he wanted them to tear him apart.
I don't know
Who am I, which one am I? Wait, where am I now?
I don't know
I DONT KNOW
I DON-"T KNOW!"
The sound escaped Yin Yu's throat and his eyes shot open, but he remained motionless on the bed. Was he finally awake yet? He was at least able to glance over to his phone to see that it was ALREADY 4 IN THE AFTERNOON?!
By the time Yin Yu could turn his body to grab his phone he opened his eyes again and his bed became more scratchy, the smell of mildew and straw filling his nose. Fucking hell not one of these mornings.
BZZZZZ BZZZZZ BZZZZZ BZZZZ
Yin Yu felt his entire body vibrating. Was his phone ringing? Wait, he was not home right now. Phones did not exist in these times. He felt soft breaths of a child on his shoulder, a hand warmly resting on his chest where his heart would beat but when he looked down, he saw a gaping hole in its place.
The buzzing kept going incessantly until Yin Yu finally awoke again in his bed, in modern times, the real life bed that Yin Yu slept in every night in the apartment he paid for from the money he received from his real life job. Yes, actual reality. The buzzing sensation continued to emenate from his body like a large bell having just been rung. Everything was layered with a veil of colorful static, and his head hurt, which honestly made it feel more probable that Yin Yu was awake this time. He checked the phone and it was only 9AM. But… it was Sunday? Which meant he had been asleep since Friday night.
Yin Yu's vision turned black as he sat up to observe the room. Once the darkness dissipated, he saw his guitar laying on the ground, stings broken and multiple pegs cracked. Is this guitar really that shitty that it would break just from playing it, like an instrument, as intended? It was not like he mistreated it, and he did not remember slamming it to the ground after the sound of strings snapping.
Yin Yu's head was filled with too much fog to overthink (for once) and he unlocked his phone to see if there was a music store anywhere nearby to try to find new pegs, as he usually bought his strings off the internet. He tended to do anything to avoid having an unnecessary social interaction, or have to make a decision in the moment when it was harder to think clearly. But he was unsure how to measure his guitar properly to order these parts online.
Oh! There is a well rated music store near his favorite cafe. He could stop there for a cup of coffee to help settle his mind, and then he would go to the music shop.
Yin Yu walked up to the cafe, the sign was in a script that he could not read but knew that it was called "Puqi Cafe". After a brief moment of hesitation, he entered, the young barista at the counter greeted him with a warm smile.
"Hello! Fancy seeing you here on a Sunday!" The barista dressed casually, this day he wore a white cotton t-shirt, tan pants, and a white apron tied around his waist. His one accessory being a silver chain necklace tucked into his shirt.
The man who Yin Yu had assumed was the owner of the shop came out from the back and put his hand on the barista's lower back. He had a more distinct fashion sense, wearing a red jacquard button up, with the couple buttons at the top left undone. He wore a large silver watch, multiple rings, well tailored black pants, and black leather boots.
Usually, Yin Yu was wearing his more office appropriate attire, but today he had put on his comfort black zip-up hoodie with black skinny jeans and off-brand sneakers with a hole beginning to form at the toe. He started to feel a bit self conscious, especially when the owner looked toward his direction and raised an eyebrow.
"You play guitar, Yin Yu?"
Just as Yin Yu was starting to gesture uncomfortably at being called out by name, the barista added "Oh, sorry if that made you uncomfortable! It's just that… uh… you come in very often! So I had told San Lang your name since I had seen it on your card when you were paying a few times…"
"Ah I see. Sorry Gege, I had just assumed that he had introduced himself to you at this point."
"I don't mind, yes my name is Yin Yu, and I do play some guitar, but only as a hobby." He stuck one hand into his other arm's sleeve to rub at his forearm self soothingly. The barrista put a fresh mug of coffee down on a saucer at the counter with a spoon on the side. Yin Yu walked to the register to pay.
"No need, we insist." The owner put his hand up in a stopping motion. "You can call me Hua Cheng."
"And I am his partner, Xie Lian!" The barrista added while gently holding onto the owner's arm with his hands and leaning into his shoulder, eyes forming crescents.
This conversation would have confirmed that the workers were a couple, had it not been pretty obvious already given the way they were constantly attached at the hip, making bodily contact when possible, and looking at each other lovingly when apart. This was one factor as to why Yin Yu felt so comfortable here, even if he was just sitting in the corner minding his own business, not in an intentionally "homosexual" manner, he at least knew that he was among likeminded people.
"So, Yin Yu. How do you feel about peforming?" Hua Cheng asked, smirking.
"Oh, no, absolutely not." Yin Yu bluntly replied, and grabbed for his mug so he could add in two packets of sugar then three spoonfulls of cream. "I play just for my own enjoyment, nothing that is worth listening to."
"But what if it is just here at the cafe! Many people who come are in their own world much like yourself. If there were some accoustic music, it would add ambience, no pressure to put on a world stopping performance. If anything, something soft and casual would be better. We were hoping to have live music one Saturday a month, to start, just to see how people like it."
"Hmmm… I don't know… It is not necessarily that I do not think I could play the right music. But I don't do well playing around others, it's like I forget how to even hold the instrument let alone produce any pleasant sounds. I am sorry to disappoint you…"
Yin Yu remembered what it was like to try to play in front of others, from when he was a promissing violinist. He would enter an audition room, feeling alien to a space that he had never seen before. The size of the room, smells of the old oxidized metal from the folding chairs, the slight flickering of the lights shining down on him, and the small group of strangers there to judge him. No matter how much he prepared, he picked up his bow and felt the gaze of the judges pierce him like knives causing his blood to pool below him as the room span and his legs trembled like leaves.
He would walk in holding the high expectations of his teacher and peers, then leave feeling like he was defeated on a battlefield before the battle had even begun.
This was what brought Yin Yu to guitar in the first place. No need to pressure himself with the competitive world of classical music. He could play just for himself. This was enough, he could still enjoy music without the part where he constantly disappointed both himself and the people around him.
"If the problem is feeling too perceived, the cafe is a perfect place to be. Most people won't even look at you. Maybe you could create some extra barrier, like sunglasses? A giant hat? If they can't see your eyes maybe it won't feel as intense?"
"At least accept our contact information. Think it over. We would compensate you, of course, and not just in free coffee." Hua Cheng offered his phone with the new contact page opened up, and Yin Yu added his information by reflex because he did not think to refuse due to the overwhelming nature of this unexpected conversation.
"Oh, but today's coffee was not meant to be a bribe! Don't take that the wrong way, you have been a regular for so long we feel it was due at this point." Xie Lian added, waving his hands nervously.
"I will think about it."
Yin Yu did not know if he would actually think about it, or if he was just saying the polite thing you say when you would rather the topic just be forgotten about with time. He will worry about this later, he does not even have a working guitar at this moment.
The music store's walls were lined with instruments on every centimeter of space possible. There was a small corner of wind instruments, some electric keyboards on the floor space of the store, and an entire side of the store dedicated to a variety of guitars. Just looking around was enough to make Yin Yu's heart race, making him light headed as excitement thrummed through him.
So even if Yin Yu had every intention of just getting new parts for his guitar, could one even blame him for swiping his credit card and walking out carrying two guitar cases instead of one? Not to mention, an amp ordered to be sent right to his apartment later that week. At least he did not act so impulsively that he needed to ask the worker about the possibility of a payment plan.
Yin Yu removed the guitar from its case. The design was simple, similar to his old accoustic guitar, a deep colored wood with matte finish, an amber pick guard with pearlescent swirls throughout it, the rossette surrouding the sound hole contained carvings of purple and yellow colored intricate geometric shapes. He bought a guitar strap that stood out to him, purple fabric embroidered with suns and moons.
This was a guitar that could be played acoustic as he was used to, or hooked up to an amp. No! He did not buy the amp in order to take up that offer from Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. Additionally, Yin Yu did not spend time in the store and on his way home conjuring up visions of himself performing his favorite songs on this new guitar, with gratuitous lighting, and a sound he had never been able to produce before even in the comfort of his apartment.
Even when tuning the guitar, Yin Yu felt the way the wooden body vibrated against him felt much more rich than with his old guitar. When playing some of his favorite songs, he felt his instrument to be more like an extension of his body. On the old guitar, Yin Yu could control his hands and fingers as intended, but it was like pouring energy into a narrow funnel, and what would flow over the edges would vaporize into mist.
This guitar was an endless basin that could handle Yin Yu's efforts comfortably, and he felt those vibrations cycle back into him.
Yin Yu forced himself to stop and eat before losing hours to practice. When laying in bed afterwards, indescribably sleepy, Yin Yu's brain did not relent from making him think about his life. He loved music, his routine kept him safe, but it felt like the world kept moving while he remained in place, breathing in the stagnant air of his one bedroom apartment, going through the motions because they were comfortable, and he was mostly unburdened by difficult decisions. He was able to avoid most extreme emotions, but those missing emotions included feelings of euphoria and meaningful gratification.
"Even though I don't like it here, I still want to stay."
"If you don't like it here, why stay?"
Yin Yu's heart was was overtaken by regret, he sent a simple "sure, I will do it" to Hua Cheng before going to bed that night, later than he usually would on a Sunday night before work.
When Yin Yu was a teen and had more joy for the pursuit of knowledge, he learned English in his desire to understand the lyrics of the music he listened to. He particularly liked rock, indie, and other alternative genres, but did not hesitate to listen to mainstream genres either. Through guitar he picked up some words and sounds from other cultures through his love of boleros, bossa nova, and Japanese jazz. For the cafe, he played acoustic covers from his vast library of music, particularly loving to perform covers of songs involving love, heartbreak, and grief.
He put on his sunglasses before going up to the humble one step high make-shift stage in the corner of the cafe. He never addressed the room with words, he would just begin to strum. The patrons would look over when the sound of the room suddenly changed, but soon redirected their attention back to their work, their individual conversations, and the steam emitting from their warm drinks.
Yin Yu went between closing his eyes, to glancing at his frets, and his fingers plucking above the sound hole of his guitar, to remain smoothly coordinated through his performance. Without feeling the sting of being perceived, he was able to pretend like he was sitting on the edge of his bed. The sound was different still, like he could feel the size of the room bend the vibrations back towards his body in a way that created a soft reverb, unlike the way the walls of his room reflected the sound almost instantly, sometimes resulting in a tinny tone.
The frequency of the sound blanketed the room in harmony with the soft lighting. Those who entered the cafe did not encounter an exciting performance. Many did not consciously pay attention to the lyrics or the riffs of the guitar coming from the corner. But whatever aspects of their day were stuck looping incessantly in their mind, seemed to break free of that cycle. They left the cafe feeling just a bit lighter than how they entered, feeling at least some of their grief, pain, or stress alleviated as though the atmosphere of the cafe was like a mild tonic.
When Yin Yu walked into Puqi Cafe for one of his lunch breaks, Hua Cheng stopped talking to Xie Lian, and looked over at him with the type of smile that made it seem like he was waiting for Yin Yu to arrive so he could ask him something.
"Yin Yu, the last Saturday of this month is Halloween, so we were thinking of having a themed event. Young people these days like to celebrate this sort of thing, we would offer a discount to those who come in costume."
Yin Yu felt amused by Hua Cheng distancing himself from "young people", given that he was likely still in his 20s, the way he said it made him sound like he could be much older than that. "I do not think I could come up with a costume in time."
Hua Cheng handed him a paper bag. Inside was a set of robes and a white ghostly mask. Something felt high quality about the materials in a way that Yin Yu did not know what to think. The mask could be nice for the night, to be even more unrecognizable.
"I don't have to learn any special type of music, right? No weird Halloween songs?"
"Oh, no not at all!" Xie Lian responded "Well, you can if you want! But just the usual type of music you play is more than enough. It is not meant to be a party as much as a fun idea."
"I see."
Yin Yu would have rather gotten dressed at the cafe, but for some reason he found himself waking up and putting the "costume" on at home. If he wore the mask on the walk over, no one would know who he was anyway, it may be even less embarrasing than going outside on a normal day. There was something that felt eerily familiar about the robes, the same feeling he had when he surpassed the climax of his dreams and everything became disjointed after, causing Yin Yu to wake up not understanding or retaining any memories of what had happened.
He was worried that the robes would get in the way of his guitar playing, but they came with a pair of dark leather vambraces to contain the wide sleeves at his forearms. When he put the mask on and looked in the mirror, it felt like he took a step outside of his body and was looking at someone else, someone who could easily have been missed despite how uncommon this attire would be in this era. It felt comforting in the way that his old hoodies felt, but for some reason that pit of loneliness in his soul expanded to be more painful than usual, and his wrist ached.
Yin Yu shook an unclear amount of ibuprofen into his mouth and downed the rest of his energy drink, grabbed his guitar, and started walking over to the cafe.
When he walked in, he saw that Hua Cheng and Xie Lian were also wearing some variation of traditional clothing. Hua Cheng was wearing an elegant round collared red robe with silver vambraces and tiered jewelry reminiscent of the hmong people adorned with glistening butterflies. Along with the chains adorning his usual black leather boots, Hua Cheng produced a jingling sound with every step. Xie Lian was wearing a more modest set of white robes and a bamboo hat. His wrists covered in what appeared to be white bandages, and he was still wearing the chain necklace which contained a pendant made of a stone that Yin Yu couldn't recognize. Yin Yu felt a similar mess of confused emotions like when he put on his own attire. Maybe they all reminded him too much of the myths he had read about, or he was just nervous about tonight's performance.
The cafe was about half full of patrons as they slowly filed in, some were wearing costumes, others in casual clothing. Xie Lian offered to brew Yin Yu a coffee but the latter declined, feeling as though it would trigger some disastrous stomach issue if he were to partake. He had about 30 minutes to set-up the equipment and warmup. He put together the amp and microphone in the corner, ensured that the guitar produced sound, and then unplugged it to do some warmup exercises in the employee room.
Today, Yin Yu would play his usual songs, but he did pick one song that was loosely related to this day, a song from the anime "Paripi Koumei". In this anime, a tactician, Zhuge Liang, from the three kingdoms period becomes transported to modern time Japan during his death, on the night of halloween. He finds himself enraptured by the sound of a small local performer, Eiko. In the first episode, Eiko plays this song for Zhuge Liang on guitar and it comes up many more times through the season as she finds what it means to be a performer. Yin Yu may or may not have had some interesting personal fantasies related to this idea, but regardless of such delusions, it was a good song! And it welled up emotions for Yin Yu every time he listened, like it poured water over the shriveled up flower attempting to grow in the depths of his heart, but only enough to quench its thirst for a single moment, leaving it longing for water more than when it was dry.
Quan Yizhen was standing in the heavenly capital, he felt so small, the size of an ant stuck in the body of an elephant. All sound was coming in were a mess of overlapping echos, his body moved on his own without permission. The only words that came through with minimal distortion were from his Shixiong. He heard screams and cries, the smell of metallic blood entered his nose, as his limbs moved in combat, but he was completely out of control.
Earlier, Quan Yizhen had approached Hua Chengzhu to help him heal his Shixiong's shattered soul, but they were too late, Yin Yu's soul had vanished. Hua Chengzhu told him that Yin Yu's soul would live on but not in peace. However, there was something he could do to see him again and help his soul finally heal. He handed Quan Yizhen a pill and instructed him to consume it before his next sleep.
So he was back to this day. Was he supposed to do something here? If he was being given another opportunity to fix things with Yin Yu, how was he supposed to do it when he was under control of the Brocade Immortal?
This was not how today was supposed to go anyway. Quan Yizhen had come up with a plan to give his Shixiong the recognition he deserved! Looking back, he knew that this was a naive thought. He had been aware for a while that something was not well with Shixiong, but he did not know how to ask about such things, having no one to go to for advice. He knew that Yin Yu cared a lot about his Godly duties, so he let him take on most of the prayers to get recognition, as he went off to train on his own by fighting monsters. He thought this would be enough to make Shixiong feel better. He could not possibly understand why the mortals were flocking to his temples and not Yin Yu's, he demanded that they build temples to worship them both side by side, but even at those temples they would only pray upon his statue. What was he doing wrong?
When it was the Mid Autumn Banquet, he went up to Yin Yu to ask about his gift, if he was not to be given a gift then maybe he really did make a mistake, or maybe Yin Yu had been too stressed out and forgot, he could at least start to figure out what was wrong. He even tried to reassure Yin Yu that it was the other Gods who were stupid for not recognizing him. Shixiong had a much more elegant beauty than himself, how could anyone with eyes confuse them for one another! It was laughable! But Shixiong looked at him with that confusing pained expression.
When he later received his birthday gift from Jian Shi on behalf of Yin Yu, he felt like maybe everything was ok. Though he could feel the ghostly qi emanating from the box, Quan Yizhen did not associate heaven with good and ghostly realm with bad, and trusted that his Shixiong had some intention for gifting this.
When he returned to his palace, he found within the box a striking set of armor. His heart swelled with love.
Quan Yizhen had to relive that day, three days after the Mid Autumn Banquet, just like it had replayed in his mind incessantly for the countless years that followed it. How no matter what he said or did, Shixiong got more and more upset, and he desperately just wanted to know why! But the answers came in the form of commands, and he felt the ghostly qi of his armor take control of his body. His memories were a blur, eventually he felt fists and swords come down upon his frozen body as the fog on his mind lifted.
"GO DIE!"
The words rung in Quan Yizhen's ears the same as they did the first time. He could see the anger in the red rims of Shixiong's eyes, but he could tell Shixiong was acting out due to the pain of a wound he could not see. He just wanted to understand… he wanted Shixiong to feel better, to be happy again.
He picked up the sword closest to him, lifted his disheveled hair, and put the sword to his neck. The betrayed expression of the first time he experienced this was replaced with determination. Instead of being subdued but the other gods, gold light emanated from his body as the sword dug into his neck blinding anyone who approached. One could not see whether he succeeded in the order, as the brightness of his protective aura reached its peak, leaving behind countless golden frogs that scattered into all directions.
When Quan Yizhen opened his eyes, his consciousness was flooded with sensations he never experienced before. The smell somewhat reminiscent of rotting leaves, shiny carts on wheels propelled without horses, yet with speeds faster and smoother. Through the turbulent sea of input, Quan Yizhen felt a calming energy drift from a building nearby, like soothing moonlight, enacting gravity upon him.
Everything seemed to be alright
'Cause you gave me whispers of love all night
Ooh, but I'm alone tonight
And I don't know how to stop heaving sighs
Quan Yizhen grabbed the handle, entering the establishment. He had heard music performers before, the experience ranging from rage inducing to tickling his ears, amusing him, or inspiring him to create new moves. But this sound was unlike anything he ever heard before, like the feeling of being brought back to the sect that first night, sleeping in a real bed, with a real blanket, stomach truly full for the first time in years. He placed a gold bar on the table where there appeard to be a donation box made of a strange flimsy material and walked deeper into the space, sitting on the padded chair closest to where the music was coming from.
I just wanna get you out of my mind
You don't know how much I love you
But you don't wanna be with me any more
Quan Yizhen did not understand the words coming from the performers mouth, as he plucked a uniquely shaped string instrument. But he could feel the longing in his tone, like the masked performer wanted to reach his hand out, to accept love, but was afraid. Quan Yizhen was not usually one to be able to understand others' feelings unless they were explained to him explicitly, guessing was not his strong-suit, but for some reason it was like language was not needed to know what was being expressed.
I'm still alive today
You are so far away
Even though you have broken my heart, baby
I'm still alive today
And miss you all day
I just thought I could not live without you
Now I don't know what to do with myself
Maybe I'm stronger than I think and I'm still in love
The newcomer looked right at Yin Yu, eyes appearing to beam straight through the slits of the mask as if his gaze was attempting to break apart the mask at its openings.
I realize the bed has too much space
The air is much thinner without your breath
There's nobody can take your place
I wish I could get back your smiling face
I just wanna go back in your eyеs
Every little kiss' gonna take mе high
How am I gonna get over you?
Yin yu felt the warmth of the sun radiating off that man onto him. He did not have to think about who it may be because he had known who it was from the moment his hand grabbed the handle of the main entrance. He wanted to absorb the warmth of his rays so badly. But instead he was incapable of accepting them. Yin Yu used his music like a shield around him to block out the world.
The sun is the being that produces light, and the moon can only reflect it. It does not produce its own radiance.
But Yin Yu could not ignore Quan Yizhen's eyes, bright like sunflowers, it was as though time slowed down and Yin Yu could see each individual petal in those irises, and his own image reflected in his pupils.
Quan Yizhen could only catch a sliver of the eyes under that mask, but could feel that they were filled with love and regret.
The tears that fell from Quan Yizhen's eyes dissolved the edges of Yin Yu's mask like it was made of sugar.
I'm still alive today
You are so far away
Even though you have broken my heart, baby
I'm still alive today
And miss you all day
I just thought I could not live without you
Now I don't know what to do with myself
Maybe I'm stronger than I think and I'm still in love
The sun and moon were not isolated dualistic entities. It was not just that the sun shone onto the moon which reflected its rays. The sun and the moon exist in one universe together acting upon each other and the environment around them in a constant state of flux. The sun indiscriminantly radiates light out from its center. The moon accepts this light and shines it onto the earth, barely able to be seen during the day but providing visibility at night for its creatures. The moon moves the great seas. It provides a method of which the humans on this planet could tell time. Through this method of time, humans developed culture, cultivated food, and could find meaning and love amongst one another and all the life around them.
Yin Yu had found comfort in playing his music like he was a singular point in space. The energy of its vibrations circling within him and his instrument. He preferred it to be this enclosed system.
But even in his bedroom, his sounds vibrate the materials in the building, the neighbors feel it through the floor in the steps they take. The birds in the trees sleep soundly to the melody, incorporating minuscule parts into their songs they devlop over time and repeat to each other, their own cycle intersected with Yin Yu's, unable to be separated from the rest of nature without pulling out the world's veins.
It is not that the musician and the listener exist as separate entities, with the listener receiving what the musician provides. Their experiences overlap with one another and interact with the environment. The listener responds with their expressions, body language, their cheers and claps. The listeners all leave feeling something slightly different than all of the other listeners, but with one idea uniting them, the music they experienced, filtered by their minds built from the culmination of all the moments they have had that led up to this point.
With Quan Yizhen's eyes locked on Yin Yu, the nearly impenetrable cycle of energy between Yin Yu's brain and arms and instrument and heart and lungs and voice was disrupted. With one thrum of his strings, the energy burst out from within Yin Yu, mask shattering. The soft lights of the cafe reflecting upon its resulting particles like moonlight shimmering upon a sky of moths, flittering off in pursuit of their purpose.
Quan Yizhen's gaze which had been locked in place quickly moved around the features of Yin Yu's face, the mole below his left eye the same as before, the shine in Yin Yu's eyes reflecting confidently with a hint of purple just like Shixiong's did back in the sect. He still had the look of having been weathered by the tides of life, but in a way that made him seem wise, like the person, the God, that Quan Yizhen always looked up to, who now looked at him like he was the light of his life. Like Yin Yu wanted so badly for this song to reach Quan Yizhen.
Through the music, Yin Yu felt his soul connected not only with Quan Yizhen's, but the rest of the room. He felt many eyes land on him, but instead of piercing through him, each observation moved through his nerves and added meaningfulness to his playing.
I'm still alive today
And miss you all day
I just thought I could not live without you
Yin Yu's voice cracked, but instead of breaking immersion it moved through the audience like the earth was trembling.
Yin Yu felt every dream, no, every memory with Quan Yizhen run through his mind like a movie.
I'm still alive today
You are so far away
Even though you have broken my heart, baby
I'm still alive today
And miss you all day
I just thought I could not live without you
Now I don't know what to do with myself
Maybe I'm stronger than I think and I'm still in love
Through this final chorus, Yin Yu strummed decisively on beat, leaving empty space between his lyrics. The audience clapped on the upbeats.
Through Quan Yizhen's claps and smiling face, Yin Yu felt more than forgiveness, he felt unconditional acceptance, love, the feeling of having found something, something that before this day he did not understand he had lost in the first place. At that final note, a lifetime could fit in the moment that fell between Yin Yu and his Audience.
Yin Yu had originally planned one more song, but even though the patrons of the cafe begged, he did not have it in him. He was exhausted, the feeling of having a musical breakthrough making him feel spent to the very core of his being.
He changed back into his favorite hoodie and skinny jeans, wiped the sweat off his face, and sipped on some hot herbal tea courtesy of Xie Lian. He felt the hairs on his arms stand up and relax in response to the deliberate footsteps and following knock on the employee's only door.
He answered the door. Yin Yu, with his guitar on his back and carrying his amp, used his free hand to grab and hold onto the calloused skin of Quan Yizhen's. They left the cafe without knowing where their destination would be, only knowing that they would be Home.