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In and out. In and out. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Oxygen was going out of his lungs but not inside. He was going back and forth. One moment he was tired the next sleep wouldn't come.
Felix didn't want to worry any of his friends, though. No. It was an overreaction.
They knew he wasn't in the best mental state, but they didn't know how bad it actually was.
It was 3:15AM, and Felix couldn't breathe for the life of him.
In and out. In and out. In and out. In and out. Why was it so hard? Why did it hurt to breathe?
He wasn't crying. Not yet. He hated crying. It made him feel weaker than he already was. So he stood up and walked to the bathroom. Not checking if the door was locked.
He reached for his pocket. Felix had a pencil sharpener in there. He could've removed the blade and thrown away the plastic, but he didn't like cutting himself accidentally. Or cutting his sweatpants either.
In and out. In and out. In and out. Nothing is coming in though.
He got the blade out soon enough. His hand shaking when he felt the cool metal against the skin of his forearm.
Relief. Immediate relief as the sharp edge cut through his skin and let little drops of blood start oozing out. Not that much. He never cut too deep. He didn't want to actually die.
That's selfish. The voice at the back of his head told him. You're taking up too much space. Nobody would miss you. You're wasting the oxygen you don't deserve.
Felix was crying silently. Wiping his eyes before the tears fell down his face properly.
Don't wake him up. Hyunjin probably already hates you. His brain wouldn't shut up.
Another cut. Slightly above the first. They were anything but orderly. Done randomly where he found space on his arm that was covered in light and dark scars. Some slightly new. Some old from when he was in middle school. Some cut over again.
The cutting helped, though. He could breathe almost normally at the moment.
He could breathe.
In and out. In and out. Stop. Stay like that. Maybe you'll actually die. But you're too much of a coward to suffocate yourself.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
His thoughts were way too much to handle.
Another slice into his skin.
Just a few more minutes. Then he'd clean his wounds and throw on a sweater and say everything is okay and that he's cold.
Five minutes. Then ten. When the fifteen minute mark hit, there was a noise from down the hall.
Shit. Hyunjin was awake.
Felix put down the blade and switched on the tap to rinse his injuries.
He winced at the sting, but it was what he got for being selfish and worrying the others.
He watched the blood rush down the drain and off his skin before he made a move to get the first-aid kit.
Ointment. He needed ointment. Unless he finished it two nights ago when he found himself in this same situation or he misplaced it.
Then the door opened.
Everything stopped. Everything except the blonde's heartbeat which he wish could reach a full stop.
"Lix.. Are you... Okay?" The older asked his face sad in a way that made Felix wish he cut deeper. Hit an artery. Die. It would've been better than disappointing Hyunjin.
He was snapped out of his thoughts when he saw the older making a move towards him.
He hates you now, Felix. What a fucking idiot.
"Felix?" He heard again.
He was definitely crying.
"I'm sorry." Felix bit his lip keeping his head down. He had no right to cry. He's in the wrong.
The older wrapped his hands around the blonde in a crushing hug.
"Hey, you'll get better eventually. Don't apologise."
The younger cried harder. "I'm sorry." He was gripping the fabric of Hyunjin's pajama shirt. Balling it in his fists like the older would disappear. Like he'd wake up and he was just dreaming and Hyunjin would actually hate him.
But it wasn't a dream.
"I'm not going anywhere, alright?" Hyunjin's fingers ran through Felix's hair.
In a couple hours, the blonde will wake up for classes and act like nothing happened. But Hyunjin will know something happened. Not exactly but he will.
And Felix didn't find himself selfish for that this time.
In and out. In and out.