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Leo shut the door behind him and took off his shoes. With a heavy sigh, he walked a few steps forward and lay down face first on the couch. The day was exhausting, and he had been looking forward to relaxing since it began. He flipped himself onto his back and sighed again. He closed his eyes and let himself sink into the cushions.
He heard a rustle. He opened his eyes. Then he heard the sound of socked feet walking across the wood floor. Without a word, Sangwon walked around the couch and sat on the ground. His posture was hunched. Leo sat up immediately.
"What's wrong?" He asked, voice soft. Sangwon looked up at him, surprised. He said nothing.
"Do you want to come up here?" Leo offered. Sangwon nodded twice, then climbed up to sit next to Leo. As easy as breathing, Sangwon leaned his weight onto Leo's chest. Leo wrapped his arms around Sangwon's middle, supporting him. Sangwon rested his cheek against Leo's sternum. Leo looked down to see Sangwon frowning.
"D'you want to talk about it?" Leo asked. Sangwon shook his head. Leo nodded in affirmation. "Okay."
Though it wasn't exactly true to say he was totally used to it, Leo knew now how to handle it when Sangwon went nonverbal. There were times when speaking was too much. Leo could easily fill the silence if needed, but sometimes it was fine to just sit with Sangwon in the quiet. It was almost meditative. Leo worried, as he always did, but he'd learnt to step back and let Sangwon ask for what he needed instead of offering solutions. Leo hummed as he felt Sangwon's breath move in slow waves in and out.
Sangwon pulled away suddenly. He looked at Leo, eyes filled with conflict. Leo waited with concern. Sangwon breathed in heavily, then out. Then, mind seemingly made up, he leaned back to his position against Leo again. Leo's chest tightened. He wondered what was so difficult for Sangwon to say that he decided it would be better not to. All in due time, he reminded himself. He'll speak when he's ready.
They sat like that for an hour, Leo eventually turning on the television with Sangwon's permission. Sangwon gradually made his way to Leo's lap, fully laying down by the time it was dark outside. He didn't speak a single time.
Leo heated up dinner for the two of them and encouraged Sangwon to eat. Sangwon ate quietly. When Sangwon started to yawn, Leo turned off the TV and they made their way to bed. Sangwon went into the bathroom to change, something he'd only done a couple times before. Leo's heart hurt.
When Sangwon came back, they crawled under the covers. After he had turned off the light, Leo leaned in for a kiss. Sangwon jerked back as if burned. Leo froze. Guilt rumbled through his stomach. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. He couldn't see Sangwon's face in the darkness, but he hoped he wasn't angry.
Leo lay on his back and closed his eyes, trying his best to keep his distance. He didn't have to wait long before Sangwon was moving closer and pressing up against his side. Relieved, Leo put his arms around him again, pulling him close. The sparks of guilt burned low once more, and Leo fell asleep warm and grateful.
Leo woke the next morning to an empty bed. When he walked out into the living room, Sangwon was sitting on the couch. He looked at Leo, and Leo noticed the bags under his eyes. Sangwon's brow was furrowed. He probably didn't even realize.
"Can I sit down?" Leo asked. Sangwon nodded. Leo sat.
"Do you want to talk?" He asked.
Sangwon sighed. "I guess I should," he said. He managed a weak smile. Leo frowned, but kept his mouth shut.
Sangwon hesitated. "There's…something I've been meaning to tell you." He brushed his hair out of his face, the strands falling back into place anyway. "I've wanted to tell you for a long time, actually. Probably since we started dating."
Leo raised his eyebrows. There wasn't much Sangwon kept secret. At least, that's what Leo had thought. Sangwon wasn't one for surprises. A pang of guilt passed through his body, that maybe he should have anticipated this sooner.
When Sangwon didn't say any more, Leo spoke. "What is it?" He smiled, trying to be encouraging. Sangwon smiled back, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Uh…" he mumbled, "I don't…" His eyes darted around the room.
"It's okay," Leo said gently. "Take your time."
Sangwon scrunched up his mouth. "I'm sorry, I just…" He swallowed. "I don't know where to start." He took in a shaky breath.
"Breathe," Leo reminded him softly.
Sangwon breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. That seemed to recenter him, and he managed to speak again. His gaze landed on the wall just behind Leo.
"Have you ever…heard of something called age regression?"
That definitely wasn't what Leo was expecting. He thought for a moment, then shook his head.
"No, not really. I mean, I get the concept but…"
Sangwon's neck had started to burn, and Leo could see the pink tint rising from under the neckline of his shirt. He still couldn't look at Leo.
"Right," he muttered. He glanced at Leo. When he didn't find rejection, he straightened himself up. He spoke a little louder. "Well, it's something that…people do if…they're upset."
"Like…" Leo said slowly, "as a way to cope?"
Sangwon nodded, relieved. "Yes, exactly."
"Okay, so…" Leo thought about that. "How does it work?"
"I…" Sangwon started, then stopped again. "God, why is this so hard?" Sangwon huffed, looking away again.
"Hey," Leo leaned down to catch Sangwon's eye. "It's alright," he said. He extended his hands towards him. "I'm right here."
Sangwon slipped his hands into Leo's. Sangwon gave him a grateful smile, but kept the worry in his eyes.
"It's kind of hard to explain, but basically I…" Sangwon trailed off, chewing his lip. Leo waited.
"When I'm really triggered, I kind of…revert back to being a kid." Sangwon managed to squeeze the words out like toothpaste out of a tube. When they were out in the air, his face softened. He looked up, checking Leo's reaction.
Leo must have looked confused, because Sangwon shrunk down.
"You don't get it…" he said, sounding deflated. Leo's eyes widened.
"No, no," he assured him, "it's not that. I just…I don't know what you mean, exactly." Sangwon perked up a little.
"Oh," he said. "Well…when I get upset, I sort of start thinking like I'm a kid again? Like my brain can't deal with being an adult anymore so I just sort of…go back to being a child?" He sighed. "I don't know, this must sound ridiculous."
Leo lightly squeezed Sangwon's hands. "It doesn't, I promise." He smiled, looking earnestly into Sangwon's eyes. "I just want to learn."
Sangwon nodded half-heartedly, still chewing his lip.
"Hey," Leo said again, firmly but not unkind. "I'm not going to judge you, I promise."
Sangwon still looked unconvinced, but he had enough confidence to continue.
"I've been thinking of it kind of like a filter," he said. "Everything that happens in front of me gets filtered in a way that only little me can understand. So if someone is mad at me, I process it like I'm a little kid, instead of my adult brain. Emotions are bigger, too."
Leo nodded. "Okay. So, you become a kid as a response to stress? And everything about you is a kid?"
Sangwon smiled a little. "Yeah. Except my body, obviously." He laughed.
Leo nodded again. The pieces were starting to fall into place. "Okay, I think I'm starting to get it. Are you always nonverbal when this happens?"
Sangwon thought about it. "I tend to go nonverbal if I'm really stressed, but I can talk if I feel comfortable enough. I just…didn't know how you would feel about it, so I never talked." He looked away. "I'm sorry…"
"You don't need to be sorry, Sangwon," Leo insisted. "I'm sorry you haven't felt comfortable." Leo felt guilty, truth be told. Sangwon had been holding onto this for so long, and he had no idea. He only hoped that he had given Sangwon ample space to talk about these kinds of things. However, Sangwon, as usual, put his fears to rest.
"I needed time," Sangwon said quietly. "I didn't really understand it myself for a while." He looked down at their interlocked hands. "I just thought something was wrong with me…"
"Sangwon…" Leo said with a light sigh.
"I know you don't like when I say that," Sangwon looked at him. His eyes were misty. "But I really didn't know what to do with all of this."
"I'm not mad," Leo reassured him. "I just hope you're not beating yourself up over this. Especially something like this. This is how you cope, right? It's important to you, then."
"Yeah," Sangwon agreed.
"So it's important to me, too," Leo replied.
Sangwon's eyes widened. He froze for a second before colliding with Leo and squeezing him in a tight hug.
"Thank you…" Sangwon whispered next to Leo's ear. Leo hugged him back.
"You don't have to thank me," he said.
"No," Sangwon agreed, "but I like to."
They pulled apart. Sangwon sat back into the couch, visibly less stiff than when Leo had first entered.
"I have a question," Leo said.
"Oh?" Sangwon tilted his head. "What is it?"
"How do you want me to be when you're…regressed?" Leo sounded out the word carefully.
Sangwon scrunched his face, thinking hard. "Well, you're kind of already doing what's best. I don't really want to involve you in it if I can help it…"
"But what if I wanted to help?"
Sangwon looked taken aback. "You'd actually want that?" He asked.
Leo was just as shocked. "Wh- of course!" He flung his hands up in the air. Sangwon laughed. Leo scowled in faux-anger.
"Hey, I'm trying to be sweet, here!" He cried, though a smile had already spread across his face.
Sangwon kept laughing. "I'm sorry," he said through hiccuped giggles. "You're just so funny when you want to be serious."
"Whatever…" Leo muttered. He sighed, and it was like the room had stopped holding its breath as well. "No, but seriously…"
Sangwon nodded, focused again. "Right. This might sound silly, but I think when I'm regressed I'm usually…four or five? So think like you were babysitting a kid that age." The blush was back.
"Okay…" Leo nodded.
"I know that sounds weird. Babysitting your boyfriend..." Sangwon scratched the back of his neck. He looked away. "You know this isn't like a kink thing, right?" He looked up at Leo again.
"I know," Leo assured him. "It's how you deal with things."
"Okay, good." Sangwon nodded. "And I don't want anything romantic or sexual when this is happening, either."
Leo hummed in understanding. "So that's why you backed away last night."
"Mhm. I'm sorry about that." Sangwon played with a strand of hair.
"You have nothing to be sorry about."
Sangwon was surprised."You're not upset?"
Leo gave a lopsided smile. "No, of course not."
"Oh."
"You know I'm only worried about you."
"I guess it's nice to be reminded…" Sangwon said sheepishly, looking down at the floor.
"Come here," Leo spread his arms out wide. Sangwon embraced him, hooking his chin over Leo's shoulder.
"You know," he said, "I think maybe a kiss on the forehead would be alright." He buried his face in Leo's shirt, embarrassed.
Leo smiled. "Okay. I'll keep that in mind."
"Mmmph umph hmh," Sangwon said, muffled.
Leo laughed. "What?"
Sangwon lifted his head. "You're the best," he said softly
.
"Because I have you," Leo replied.
—
Leo came home one day to music. The soft melody of something sweet and early 2000's-sounding spilled out from behind the bedroom door. He put his things down and walked toward the noise. He knocked on the door lightly. There was no response. He knocked again. Still nothing.
"Sangwon?" He asked. "Can I come in?" Silence.
"I'm going to come in, okay?" Leo announced.
Carefully, slowly, he opened the door. Inside, Sangwon was sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest. He was already looking at Leo.
"Everything okay?" Leo asked. Sangwon frowned.
"I'm fine," he replied, barely-audible.
Leo eyes turned sad. "Can I sit down?" Sangwon bit his bottom lip. He nodded. Leo sat down on the floor beside him.
"Can you tell me what's going on?" Leo asked quietly.
Sangwon muttered something that Leo didn't quite catch.
"Sorry," Leo said, "what did you say?"
"'M just…" Sangwon pointed at his phone, which was still emitting the pleasant vocal tone of a female singer-songwriter. "Listening to music…"
Leo nodded. "Okay…"
They sat together without speaking for a couple of minutes. Sangwon rocked slowly back and forth, using his legs for momentum.
"Sangwon," Leo said gently, careful not to startle him. Sangwon turned his head.
Leo hesitated. He had a feeling he knew what was going on. What was the right way to say it?
He finally landed on, "Are you… little…right now?"
Sangwon looked at him, unsure. For a moment, Leo thought he wouldn't answer. Then, he nodded resolutely.
"Yeah," he said, his voice coming out cracked. He smiled awkwardly, embarrassed.
"Okay," Leo said, nodding again. "That's alright." Leo's heart picked up the pace just a little bit. He still wasn't confident that he could handle this properly. But Sangwon put his trust in him, he reminded himself, and he wouldn't let that amount to nothing.
Sangwon, at least, looked relieved by Leo's words, and he visibly relaxed. Leo felt his chest soften.
"Is there anything you want to do right now?"
Sangwon wiggled his feet from side to side as he thought about it. "Mmmm…TV?"
Leo's smile was involuntary. "Sounds great," he said. Sangwon's face lit up. He jumped to his feet, brushing his jeans off. He bent down to pick up his phone and presented it to Leo. Leo stared, confused, before realizing Sangwon wanted him to take it. Leo took the phone and turned the music off, slipping it into his pocket.
Sangwon walked towards the door and opened it. He looked back at Leo, who was slowly peeling himself off the floor.
"Hurry up!" Sangwon called. Leo snorted.
"Let the old man catch up," he joked, groaning as he hoisted himself onto his feet. Sangwon giggled, and waited for Leo to join him before setting off towards the couch. Sangwon plopped down on the right side, Leo on the left. Something warm curled in Leo's chest when he saw Sangwon, bright and sparkly-eyed. Leo stood again.
"Hang on," he said, "I have an idea." Sangwon tilted his head, but didn't protest. Leo went back to the room. When he returned, he had a bundle of blankets in his arms. Sangwon's eyes widened. He grinned as Leo carefully laid each blanket over his lap. When Leo was done, Sangwon settled into the couch, looking pleased. Leo sat beside him.
"What do you want to watch?" He asked, turning on the TV.
"I dunno," Sangwon answered.
They scrolled through the selection of movies, trying to find something suitable for a six-year-old. Leo finally landed on one that he recognized, an animated film.
"How about this?" He offered.
Sangwon nodded.
"Yeah?" Leo asked. Sangwon nodded again.
"Alright." Leo turned it on, relaxing into the couch cushions. Sangwon adjusted himself happily.
They sat in the quiet for a while, enjoying the peace. Then Sangwon slowly extended his hand towards Leo's. He gently pressed his fingers to Leo's wrist. Leo looked at him. Sangwon looked up at Leo like he was asking for permission. Leo nodded in a 'go ahead' motion. Sangwon smiled and positioned Leo's hand into his lap.
He delicately traced the lines on Leo's palm with his thumb, running his other fingers along the back side. He interlocked their hands, squeezing once then twice, almost like he was testing it. Sangwon had played with Leo's hands before, but Leo wasn't used to him paying so much attention to every detail. It was embarrassing to admit, but Leo actually enjoyed it. Having someone admire him, not in a romantic way. Just in appreciation for the pieces that made him up. It made him feel seen.
Sangwon shifted closer to Leo. Leo thought that would be it, but then Sangwon tipped to the left, his head landing on Leo's shoulder. Leo tilted his head to lean against Sangwon's.
They stayed like that until the movie was finished and the credits were rolling, long after Sangwon had fallen asleep. Leo let him stay like that a bit longer, eyes closed and breathing steady. After about twenty minutes, Leo very slowly removed himself from the couch, careful not to jostle him. Then, when Sangwon seemed to still be asleep, he gently picked him up and carried him to the bedroom. On the way there, Sangwon's eyes opened for a millisecond before screwing shut again. Leo laughed.
Leo deposited Sangwon on the bed. Sangwon lay down with his eyes shut for a second before bolting up.
"Wait," he said. "I gotta change."
He got up and started digging through the dresser. When he had found clothes that were satisfactory, he skipped to the bathroom.
"Do you need help?" Leo called out.
Sangwon pouted. "I can dress myself."
"Okay," Leo said, putting his hands up. Sangwon smiled, satisfied. He closed the door.
When he came out, he was dressed in comfortable sleepwear. He climbed onto the bed and tucked himself under the covers. Leo smiled at him, heart warm. He didn't think Sangwon could look more adorable than he did at that moment. Sangwon opened one eye and looked at him.
"Leo?" Sangwon asked.
"Hm?" Leo replied.
"Can I stay up a bit longer?"
Leo laughed. "Of course you can." Scratch that. This was the cutest he'd ever been.
Sangwon looked pleased. Suddenly, Leo remembered something.
"I have something for you," he said. He got up, pulling a small item out from under the bed. He plugged it in.
"What?" Sangwon asked.
Leo pointed the little machine at the ceiling and turned it on. He turned off the lights, and an array of shining stars along with the view of a galaxy flooded the ceiling of the bedroom in dazzling white and gold. Sangwon looked up in awe.
"Wow," he breathed, eyes wide. A grin spread across his face.
Leo beamed. "You like it?"
"It's so cool…" Sangwon whispered. Leo slid into bed next to him. Sangwon leaned into him like it was second nature. Leo put a hand on Sangwon's head, brushing his hair lightly. They admired the projected stars, Sangwon occasionally pointing out shapes he found. Comfortable silence stretched in the air, wide and generous.
"Hey Leo…" Sangwon said suddenly. "My mom…used to do this thing."
"Yeah?" Leo looked down at him.
"She used to…" he hesitated.
"Take your time," Leo said, encouraging him with a hand on his back.
"She used to…sing to me," he said, hushed. "At bedtime."
"Really?" Leo asked. "That sounds nice."
"Yeah, it made me happy," Sangwon mused. "It helped me fall asleep, too."
"Do you…" Leo paused, not wanting to overstep. Sangwon looked at him expectedly.
"Do you want me to do that?" Leo finished.
"Mmm…" Sangwon smiled, then buried his face in Leo's stomach.
"You have to tell me, sweetheart," Leo gently reminded him.
Sangwon looked up, eyes begging for him to let this one pass. Leo remained gentle yet firm.
"Can you?" Sangwon whispered. His neck was red.
"Yes,"Leo answered, a smile spreading across his face. "I can."
"Thanks."
So Leo began to sing. An easy song that he remembered listening to as a little kid. It was repetitive, so he went through it a couple of times until Sangwon drifted off to sleep, curled up in Leo's lap. Leo slid down the headboard to lie down. With the warm heat of Sangwon's body embodying him like humidity in the air, Leo found his eyes were closing soon after as he drifted off to sleep.
Leo opened his eyes when it was still dark outside. Sangwon was sitting up now, looking ahead. As his eyes adjusted, Leo saw that Sangwon was picking at his own fingers.
"You alright?" Leo asked sleepily. Sangwon jumped. "Sorry."
Sangwon shook his head. "No, it's fine." He sighed. "I was…in my head."
"I take it you're not…little anymore?"
Sangwon shook his head again. "No." He continued to pick at his fingers. Leo gently lay a hand on Sangwon's, and Sangwon stopped. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Leo assured him. "I know it's a bad habit."
"No, I meant…" Sangwon struggled to find the words. "I'm sorry you had to take care of me tonight."
Leo frowned. "Why are you apologizing?"
Sangwon chewed at his bottom lip. "I just mean…"
Leo squeezed one of Sangwon's hands.
"You didn't sign up for this," Sangwon continued. "Being a caretaker, I mean."
"Sangwon-" Leo said softly.
"You should have a boyfriend who's fully an adult. Someone who can take care of themselves. You don't need a child who needs to be sung to sleep. Or someone who needs to be pampered or placated with toys. You don't need to be taking care of a grown man whenever he gets upset. You shouldn't have to-"
"Sangwon." Leo said, firm. "Listen to me."
Sangwon looked at him, eyes glossy. Leo smiled. "I signed up for you . That means all of you. Even the parts you think you should hide. Especially those parts. I signed up to love all of you. I knew it wasn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's going to be hard, but we get through it together. I'm not going to run away. Okay?"
Sangwon stared at him, blinking away tears. Then he crashed into Leo, burying his face in Leo's chest. He sniffled. Leo wrapped his arms around him. He placed a kiss on the top of Sangwon's head. When Sangwon finally pulled away, he wiped at his wet face.
"God, today has been such a mess," he mumbled sadly. Leo gave him a sympathetic smile.
"Stop making me cry," Sangwon pouted. "I'm sick of it." Leo chuckled.
"I'm just glad you're feeling a bit better." He helped Sangwon wipe away the tears from his face.
"Thank you," Sangwon insisted. "Seriously."
"Of course."
"No, really." He gave Leo a meaningful look. "Thank you for taking care of me. Always."
"It's an honor."
Sangwon shoved him lightly, rolling his eyes.
"Whatever, loverboy," he grumbled.
Leo pulled him in and Sangwon sank into it without question. Sangwon laughed.
"You're insufferable," he said, but gave him a kiss all the same.
With the temperature lowered and the tension released from Sangwon's body, they curled up into a comfortable position and slowly fell asleep.