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Hongjoong leaned over to Seonghwa. Seonghwa bit her lip till she tasted old pennies, keeping her eyes on the dashboard. She didn’t even want to breathe.
She could hear Hongjoong sit back in the driver's seat. “What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?” Seonghwa forced her voice to sound normal.
“You don’t wanna kiss me anymore?”
“I just— we’re right outside church.” Seonghwa could feel herself blushing. “We shouldn’t.”
“Jesus doesn’t care about a kiss.” Hongjoong’s voice trembled just a little bit. “Not— not between friends.”
“Friends?”
“Friends.”
Seonghwa’s eyes went down to her hands, clasped in her lap.
Hongjoong buckled her seatbelt. She clicked the gear into reverse, and they drove out of the church parking lot.
“You know, I took us there because I didn’t think anyone would see us there this late at night.” Hongjoong said as they passed the bar where Seonghwa’s father was surely drinking himself into a stupor.
“I know.” Seonghwa said, just loudly enough to be heard over the engine.
They made it out of the strip of buildings they all called downtown, and Hongjoong drove to an abandoned house. They knew it was abandoned because in high school they’d broken in to look around. There’d been nothing to see except some dusty furniture.
Hongjoong had fingered Seonghwa on the second floor. She’d been looking out the window, at the lights downtown. Hongjoong hadn’t been very good at fingering her then.
She’d had significantly more practice since then. Now, she was pretty damn good at it.
Hongjoong cut the engine in the driveway of the house. There was a bit of an orangey glow from one of the streetlights on the highway, and the wrong time was lit up in green on the dashboard of the truck. Aside from that, it was dark, and it was quiet.
Hongjoong cleared her throat. “Seonghwa, will you—”
“Kiss me, please.” Seonghwa’s voice was more shrill than she’d really intended for it to be.
“Where’s that coming from?” Hongjoong said softly. “Earlier you seemed pretty hesitant. I don’t want you to feel like—”
Seonghwa leaned over the gear shift between them and grabbed Hongjoong’s face before kissing her, hard.
Hongjoong moaned, one of her hands coming down to grope at Seonghwa’s breast.
She’d worn a good bra today for this. For her.
Seonghwa pulled back, and Hongjoong made a small, confused noise that made Seonghwa want to keep kissing her.
“What’s—”
“Hongjoong, this has to— I can’t do this anymore.” Seonghwa said, her heartbeat picking up. “I know you want to be... more than friends, but I just— I can’t, okay!” Now that she’d started, she was hyperventilating a bit. “You went off to school and you left me, you hear, you left me here in this god-awful town and you went off and you partied and you fucking— you came out to your parents, which you told me you’d never do!”
Hongjoong leaned forward to take Seonghwa’s shaking hands. “Seonghwa, I didn’t—”
“You were probably fucking other girls!” Seonghwa yanked her hands back. “And when you said you wanted to go for a drive tonight I thought maybe you wanted to catch up or something, talk about how thing have been, maybe you wanted to hear about how fucking miserable I’ve been, working here at the grocery downtown, but no, you wanted to kiss me! I have always been just another girl to you, and you—” She caught herself, cutting her words off with a frustrated groan. “Hongjoong.”
“Hey, I—”
Seonghwa glared. “Don’t fucking lie to me! I’m not fucking special!”
“Jesus, Hwa, can I please say something?” Hongjoong gestured wildly with her hands.
Seonghwa bit her lip again, peeling back a piece of skin. It tasted even more like blood this time. “What the fuck do you have to say?”
“When I realized I could come out, when I was at school, it was like… it was like something clicked, you know? And—” Hongjoong’s voice cracked. “And it was because of you, you know? I did fuck other girls. Two other girls. At parties.”
Seonghwa could feel herself tearing up at the thought.
“But— Seonghwa, you’re my girl. I fucked them because I couldn’t fuck you. Fuck, I wished they were you.”
“You’re— you’re lying.” Seonghwa’s voice had gone thick with emotion. “You’re fucking lying to me.”
“I don’t know how to convince you that I’m not.” Hongjoong’s voice was hard. “And I’ve told you I love you how many times? Did you think I was lying then?”
“You— you’ve always said it like we were just friends. Friends! Hongjoong, that’s what we are, and that’s what we’ll have to be forever. We— you should go back to school.” Seonghwa felt hysterical. “Just drop me off at home and never come see me again.”
Hongjoong sighed. “Do you really want that, Seonghwa?”
Seonghwa swallowed. “No.” She whispered. “But it would probably be best.”
“Why?” Hongjoong said gently, like she was worried Seonghwa would break if her voice were too loud. Seonghwa thought that might be true.
“I… I’m not as strong as you are. If I come out to my dad, he’ll… it won’t be good.”
“I’m not asking you to come out. I’m just… I don’t want to lose you, Hwa.” When Hongjoong took her hands this time, she let her.
“I don’t want to lose you either, Hongjoong.” She finally looked up to Hongjoong’s face.
All she saw there was concern. She had such a gentle look on her face that Seonghwa genuinely thought her chest might crack in two, and if that happened, something would crawl out, and it would be ugly. She looked back down to her lap just as quickly as she’d looked up.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Hongjoong said. “You’re never going to lose me.”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise.”
Seonghwa sniffed. “Can I come with you?”
“Where?”
“Somewhere that’s not here. Can we move away?”
“Yeah, baby. Yeah, we can move away.” Hongjoong brushed a piece of hair back from Seonghwa’s face, tilting her chin up. Seonghwa’s lip trembled as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Oh, baby, you— I love you.”
Seonghwa broke into sobs, throwing her arms around Hongjoong’s neck. “I love you too.”
There was so much she wanted to say. So much she absolutely could not say.
They’d never talked this candidly before. When Hongjoong had told her she’d loved her, it had been little, joking comments. They always made Seonghwa’s heart stop.
The truth was, Seonghwa had been in love with Hongjoong for years. And she would never stop being in love with Hongjoong.
Never.
She wrapped up her crying, leaning away from Hongjoong and wiping her face with her sleeves. “Thanks for letting me cry.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“Where’s home?” Seonghwa sniffled.
“My place. My parents are gone.”
“Where are they?”
“Visiting my sister, I think.” Hongjoong shrugged.
“Okay.”
Hongjoong pressed a kiss to Seonghwa’s forehead before she started driving.
Seonghwa stared through the windshield the whole way back. She wasn’t really seeing anything.
Hongjoong parked, and she ran around the front of the truck to open Seonghwa’s door and give her a hand. Seonghwa smiled at her.
They went inside Hongjoong’s parents’ house and to her bedroom.
It smelled like it had in high school. The same posters were up. There were significantly fewer trinkets and records. She must’ve taken them to college; Seonghwa hadn’t been here since she’d left.
Hongjoong shrugged off her denim jacket, and then she got into bed, holding out her arms for Seonghwa. Seonghwa fell into them easily. Hongjoong wrapped her up in a blanket, holding her close.
Seonghwa was so tired from her emotions that she fell asleep quickly.
When she woke up, she was alone.
Her heart pounded. She checked her phone.
One text. Hongjoong.
Baby, I had to go out for something at the grocery. I’ll be back soon
Seonghwa took in a deep, shuddering breath. Hongjoong was only gone for a little bit. She’d be back soon.