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one - family
When he thinks of his childhood, he thinks of music. He thinks of his mother, dropping him at the studio so he can spend some time with his father, and he thinks of everyone he watches. He thinks of how he could probably dance before he could walk, lifting his arms in time with the music and bouncing in place, even as his steps are unsteady and he falls.
There's videos. So many of them, where he watches the bright colours and the delicate steps with a sparkle in his eyes normally reserved for a favourite toy or a certain book.
So as soon as he's old enough, he's in the baby dance class, following his dad with an intensity only seen in the older years. Of course, he still giggles along and entertains the other children when they want to be silly and not follow the choreography, but he's at his most relaxed when there's a beat to follow and steps to learn.
His parents think he looks adorable. They think he's the most precious thing they've seen, and it's not just because he's their son. It's because when they look at him, they see all the things they love the most about the other.
They see determination and perfectionism and a love for the arts, and maybe, just maybe, they see the potential to become a star. Whatever their son chooses to do with this natural ability of his is his choice, and they will support him through it with open arms and an encouraging smile. But deep down, they hope he chooses to pursue this. They hope he decides to be brave, and go for the thing that is scary and unstable, so at least he knows.
Still, they remind themselves that all that is for later. The years will fly by, and time will pass regardless of how much they try to freeze it, so they let Chan just be whoever he wants to be. Deep down they know he will leave home younger than most, so they make the most of the time they know they have whilst they can.
And Chan loves his dance class friends, even as they get older and slowly start to find the kind of dance they want to do more, which leaves them in different rooms. He loves jumping around the room with them, and he loves the sound of their shoes on the wooden floors, completely synced.
But secretly, what he loves more than that is this: his mother, being twirled around in his father's arms before they lift him into theirs, never once stopping as they lift him and he laughs. He loves dragging his brother into the living room on a weekend morning, copying the dance moves from whatever group is on the show that day. He loves standing on his grandparents feet, learning how to waltz.
One day, after he collapses in a fit of giggles at all these antics, he rolls over to look at his family. At how bright their faces are, and how this simple thing could bring them all so much joy.
"I love you," he announces.
His parents coo, promising they love him equally, and his brother makes a slightly disgusted face at the sight of adults being affectionate, because that's what everyone at school does, even though he secretly thinks his parents are the cutest ever.
"Ya, let me finish!" He adds, giggling at his own small act of brattiness. Saying ya is funny, especially to his parents. He rarely does it, but they still giggle before half-heartedly reminding him of what he should and shouldn't be saying.
"Okay, okay, our Jungchannie. What comes after you saying you love us?"
"I love you, even more than dance," he whispers.
His parents gasp. "You must really love us a lot!"
He nods. "But only like this much more," he says, holding two of his fingers close together. He turns to his brother. "No upsetting me, or else I'll like you less than dance!"
He's attacked with affection on all sides, giggles escaping him. He could live like this forever, he thinks.
So long as he can dance, and his family are there to encourage him to carry on, he thinks he can survive anything.
two - seniors
Having a camera crew in his house is strange, but he likes the attention. He likes the way everyone coos at how adorable he is, and it's fun! It's fun talking about these things that are so important to him and which mean everything to him.
He still loves his family more than dance (even though he'd no longer admit that to his brother, because he's been a little annoying and took the red pen right when he wanted to use it), but he gets to talk about them all the time in school.
Dance, he gets to talk about a little less.
It's half-scripted—him saying he'll dance till he's a grandfather. In the sense that he was told to give a really long time away, but he thinks he'll be dancing even when his grandchildren have children. He's going to dance until he no longer can, and even then, he'll find a way.
Because it's so much fun. It brings him so much joy. There's a satisfaction that comes with getting the steps right, with impressing everyone around him, with proving that he's a once in a lifetime talent and that his age does not hinder him in any way.
So when he's told he's going to dance on television, he isn't nervous. He's excited. He's going to dance with real, proper dancers, who know more than even his teachers. He's going to dance in front of an audience and everyone is going to see it.
For a few minutes, he's going to be super cool.
The nerves set in on the day, in the same way they always do when there's a competition.
Everyone on set is bigger and older and has more experience and knows each other and seems to understand how the cameras work, and he's just a little kid who is tiny in comparison and who is filled with awe by every small gesture.
It's enough to make him want to run into the safety of his parents and refuse to come out, but he tries to be brave.
Still, it's probably clear that he's a little bit nervous, because one of the dancers comes over.
"Are you nervous?" He asks.
Chan shakes his head, even though his parents always say lying is bad. This isn't lying. It's just—bending the truth a little. He wants to carry on looking cool, to match his sunglasses and jacket. "No," he says, although his voice is a little shaky.
"Wow, you must be really confident! Even I'm a little nervous," he admits.
Chan's eyes widen. "Really?"
"Mhm."
"Well—maybe I'm a little bit nervous. But only a little bit. Because I'm super brave!"
"I'm sure you are. But do you know what I do when I'm nervous?"
Chan shakes his head. "What?" It's not because he needs the tip. It's because—well, maybe he does, but that's between him and the teddy bear that sits at the top of his bed, which he confesses all his secrets to late at night.
"I pretend everyone is a durian," he whispers, like it's a secret.
Chan laughs. "Durian is gross!"
"Exactly! Then, I don't need to worry about impressing anyone or anything, and I can just focus on doing my best. Because the greatest performances aren't the ones that are perfect. They're the ones that we give everything to, because that's what matters."
Chan listens intently, taking the advice on board. It has to be true, because all the important adults in his life tell him that the most important thing he can do is try.
By the time he has to go out and perform for the cameras, he finds that he doesn't actually need to pretend anyone is a durian, because he relaxes as the music starts.
He dances, even though everyone else is older and wiser and bigger, and he smiles and has fun. He knows where the cameras are, and he's confident in his footwork, and everyone giggles when he tells them to come on. Everyone praises him for how good he is.
And it's then that he realises—as soon as he's old enough, he's going to become a dancer. Maybe an idol, because then he'll get to sing too.
And he knows that no matter what he ends up being, he wants to be like these seniors. He wants to be good to those who are younger than him and he wants to make sure they know that whatever art they can put into the world is good, even if they don't think it is.
So long as he can dance, and there's someone who will smile at him, he thinks he can survive anything.
three - trainees
At fourteen, Chan feels older. It's not just because he's an eldest son trying to be filial. That's a small part of it, a little bigger ever since he saved his brother and realised just how frail they both were. But really, it's because he's left home. He's not just a kid who dances anymore. He's a k-pop trainee, surrounded by people who have also fought tooth and nail for their places, and that place is fragile and could be pulled from him at any time.
There are moments where he feels like he's made a mistake. Like when Kwon Soonyoung tells him that there's a demon in the dorms, and he laughs it off until they get there and he witnesses— Choi Seungcheol is not a demon. He knows this, because a demon would definitely go after a scared child, and Seungcheol hardly looks at him unless he's either done really well or really poorly, but he's definitely a force to be reckoned with.
Still, he adjusts to dorm life pretty quickly. It's nice sometimes, to be one of the younger ones, even though it takes some adjusting. But he figures that if his Cheol-hyung can go from being the baby to being the eldest, it has to be easier to do the reverse.
But there are moments where it feels like he's made a mistake and he's not sure it's worth it anymore. Moments where it feels like a mistake and all he wants is to run away. Like when the staff yell and he feels tiny and he can feel someone trembling beside him. Like when Jeonghan is scared and all he can do is offer to hold his hand and give him a hug. Like when he misses a school trip and he wonders what exactly it is that he's sacrificing his childhood for.
When he calls his mother sobbing, she tells him he can come home. That his parents are proud of him no matter what he does, because all they want is for him to follow his heart. Soonyoung holds his hand the whole time, and his heart is torn because here with these people is just as much a home as back with his family.
The next day, he's paired with a trainee. He hasn't spoken to her much, so they make shy conversation before turning back to concentrate and learn the choreography they're being shown.
They mark it as they run through it the first time.
The second time, Chan stops them midway. "I think if you moved your foot like this-" he demonstrates what he means, "it would actually look better."
She tilts her head, but does as he says, and then smiles. "You're really good at that."
"What?"
"Knowing how to make the choreography look better. I don't know. You're just really good at—all that dance stuff. Like you know when to relax and when to have sharp lines and it's just super cool. Because it's not just talent. We've all seen how hard you practice. It's nice to know it pays off."
It makes him feel like he's worth something. Like his place here is just as real and valid and deserved as everyone he looks up to, and he can't help but smile shyly yet proudly at the praise.
"Thank you," he murmurs.
She shrugs. "It's true."
Then they're called up to dance, and everyone thinks they look perfect beside each other, and he realises then that he's not giving this up unless they make him. And even then, he will fight until he no longer can to stay.
He dances with other trainees, always with an eye for detail that not many people hold, always pushing himself to be the best he can be because he still believes that's all he has to do. He ends up being right.
Other people leave, some by choice and some not. The girl who told him he's good and became part of the reason he stays, leaves because she stops loving it. He wonders if she knows how important she was, and still is, to him. She taught him that it's time to go when it stops feeling like love.
He doesn't think he could ever stop loving this.
It all comes to a head a few months before his birthday. They ask him what he wants to do. He thinks of all the times he's clung to the hyungs, and all the times they've looked at him like he's powerful. The answer is easy in that moment. No regrets, is how he wants to live.
He becomes Dino of Seventeen and it sounds perfect. He dances and he sings and he raps, and he loves all of it, so he stays.
So long as he can dance, with someone who reminds him that he loves this too, he thinks he can survive anything.
four - members
It's like living a dream. There are moments that are terrible, when things are falling apart and he's reminded that his place in this family is different—for in this family, he is the youngest and the oldest. There are moments when there are harsh words on the tip of his tongue that he can't take back.
There is a moment where he says he can't do it anymore, and he almost throws it away, but the weight of his words have him sobbing soon after and forgiveness is granted the way it always is so long as it's asked for.
But there are moments that are perfect and wonderful and filled with so much joy that all he can do is smile until his cheeks hurt. There are so many of these moments that he can't even begin to list all of them, because all of them feel equally important.
There's S.Coups gesturing at him during their dance as he claps with the expression of a helpless performer etched onto his features, and they both giggle every time they make eye contact immediately after, letting the dramatics pause for a single second.
There's Jeonghan singing behind him as he twirls into his position, careful about where he puts his feet and how he angles himself before he launches into the new move, and each time, he's so taken aback by how wonderful everything looks together that it takes him a moment to recall where he is.
There's Shua lifting him into his arms and keeping his voice and his grip steady even as he pretends to struggle despite his strength. Eventually, they decide to switch roles and he struggles genuinely because he's weaker, but then he builds his strength up and it's easy, and it puts a smile on both their faces.
There's Jun falling beside him gracefully, the both of them having spent hours in the studio trying to work out how to drop without injuring themselves and achieving it in perfect sync as they tilt their heads back and bring their arms up to give the audience something they hadn't even realised they needed.
There's Hoshi by his side, and they're turning around in sync. One of them is making the same pose every time and spreading their agenda, the other is trying out something new at each performance, but both of them are born performers and there's something so comforting about knowing that they care just the same amount.
There's Wonwoo behind him, their hands coming together to make two halves of one heart and they smile at each other every time. It feels perfect, being the two that do this, although neither of them can quite identify why, and maybe that's okay.
There's Woozi looking around in confusion and shock as he turns and sees that he's not really where he's meant to be, and then smiling as he makes a heart, acting as cute as he can even though he doesn't even need to try to be like that. It's fun.
There's DK catching his eye as they stand next to each other, trying to catch their breath because the choreography never gets easier no matter how used to it they are, and then his hand is being squeezed as they launch back into their formations.
There's Mingyu guiding his arms up and out and caging him in for those few seconds, but there is also nowhere else he would rather be in that moment than there on stage with his family, performing the songs that they poured everything they have into.
There's The8 grinning as they jump around on stage together, Dino the happiest he's ever been as he freestyles and is watched with all the fondness in the world before being joined in because they are nothing if not a family.
There's Seungkwan and his hands right where Dino wants them to be, even if he sometimes lowers them just to make him whine and pout and demand that they be lifted a half-inch as they glide across the stage together, Seungkwan doing his best to keep a straight face as Dino pulls faces since his is hidden.
There's Vernon and his steps echoing through the practice room and on the stage as he runs so thy can do their part together, hands gentle as they push each other out of the frame only to hold onto each other tightly like the other may drift away.
"I never want this to end," he says on the way home from one of their concerts. He's tired in that bone-deep way that one night of sleep won't fix, but it's worth it for all the lights and all the magic and all the memories they've made.
"It doesn't have to," Mingyu says. "We could renew our contracts."
"Could we?" He asks, and he's being serious. It sounds like a dream. It almost sounds impossible, that all thirteen of them could get what they want and stick together.
"I think anything is possible if we do it together," Minghao pipes up from the back of the car. Mingyu nods, and Chan has to believe the both of them because they would never lie. Not about this.
And it is. They've never been happier.
So long as Chan can dance, and these people are there to do it with him, he can survive anything.
five - juniors
The first time he's approached by a junior idol to participate in a dance challenge, he's caught a little off-guard. It's not that he doesn't think he can do it, because he's certain once he's been shown the choreography it'll be easy enough to replicate the thirty-second snippet he'll be asked to for the video.
It's that—he never though it would be him. He knows he's a dancer before he's most other things, and he knows that he picks up choreography quickly, which is always handy when these things are being filmed in between schedules. So it does make logical sense for it to be him.
And he also knew, even all those years ago when Seventeen first debuted, that they wouldn't be the industry newbies forever. There would be groups that came after them, with members younger than they are and were, because that's how it has always been. Everyone told them this. That time would fly, and they would be hearing sunbaenim rather than saying it before they knew.
It's still different and unexpected when it really does happen.
Because these people know him. Not just as someone in their company who they bow at when they see, even though Seungkwan constantly says it's completely unnecessary and they're all friends- although they do have to bow to the CEO shortly after that scolding- and not just as another person in the industry. They know him as Dino of Seventeen.
And they want him to do a dance challenge with him. They're shy as they approach, even though they've probably been told already that everyone has been made aware that they'll likely be asked to participate since they're under the same label and it just makes sense.
It's been years since he's been in that position, even if it still only feels like yesterday that he debuted and was trying to be taken seriously by an industry that wanted immediate success yet simultaneously looked down on both that and growth. But he remembers the feeling, because sometimes it still feels like the only thing he can feel.
He doesn't want these people to feel like that. So he smiles, even if he's caught by surprise and—if he's being completely honest, he can't actually remember what song it is they're promoting, let alone the choreography.
"Of course I want to film this. Can you show me the dance moves? And then we can film?"
There's giggles, slightly awkward, slightly terrified, slightly delighted at the thought of dancing with him, and he keeps smiling as they stand in front of a mirror and show him what to do. He copies their movements as they go, piecing them together in his mind, and asks them to observe him the first few times he does their dance to make sure he's doing it correctly.
He pretends to not notice the way they watch him slack-jawed and in awe that someone they once considered a role model is in the room with them, doing their own dance. It's a moment he'll keep private and maybe tease them with in a few months time once they're close enough.
Although he's satisfied with the first take, he can tell they aren't, even if they don't want to admit it because they're junior to him.
"Could we give it another go? I feel like I turned my foot slightly out of sync," he says.
They rush to tell him he didn't, but he just shrugs them off and sets the camera up again. It's clear from their faces that they're much happier with this take, finally letting go of their nerves, so he approves the take as well. He's handed a copy of their album- signed by each member- and he promises to treasure it.
The cameras stop recording, so he uses the opportunity to be honest.
"You know, if you ever need someone to do a dance challenge with, I'd be more than happy to do it. You don't need to feel shy about asking," he tells them.
Both of them giggle. "We know! Really, we do. You're so—well, you're Dino-sunbae. It's just—you're so cool. And it's a little embarrassing asking."
If things had been different, this might have been him. The leader of a group with a more traditional size. Asking for things as the eldest and the responsible one.
But it warms him inside that the shyness isn't the result of him. He's always wanted to be the approachable senior that gave good advice and that people had nice stories about.
"So long as you know," he says.
They nod, bowing and smiling again as they rush off to their next schedule, and he watches them go fondly, a small smile across his own features.
So long as he can dance, and there are people that look up to his abilities, he thinks he can do anything.
and one - himself
When he gets the opportunity to release a mix tape— one that he's doing all by himself, he has to pinch himself to make sure he's not dreaming. Because it feels like he is. Even with the sharp jab of pain that comes from pinching his thigh, he's still not sure this is real.
It's everything he thought it would be and more.
At times, it's awful. He hates it when the lyrics just don't sound right in any language, when there's a word that he knows exists but he can't find and no amount of racking his brain or searching for synonyms helps, and he hates when the take is almost perfect but a single note sounds off.
But then, there are moments where everything is worth it and beautiful and all he's ever wanted. There are moments where the song just sounds perfect and he's able to communicate exactly what he means, and the beat and the instrumental they're working with perfectly matches the energy. There are moments where he knows exactly how he wants to sing it, and he can do it just as well in reality as it sounds in his head.
He knows, from the moment he sets foot in the dance studio, that he wants to show off. He wants to do everything. He wants to be on the floor and still sing, he wants to do footwork, he wants to use his arms and show off his talents. Even if none of the fans are able to describe his ability in technical detail, he wants to be a performer they'll be proud of. He wants to show he is and who he has become after all the time that's been poured into his career.
So coming up with the choreography is a challenge, and there are moments where he doubts himself and wants nothing more than to give up and cancel the whole project. He wonders if everyone feels like this trying something new, and decides that they probably do. It's never easy, but the effort is worth it. Because when he looks at himself in the mirror, he sees someone he's proud of.
It ends up being many long nights in the studio, running through every detail and ensuring that his facial expressions are controlled at every point. He wants his turns to be smooth, he wants his lines to be clean, he wants to live up to the image of himself that he has in his head.
And he does, because this is who he is.
Filming the music video fills him with a sense of satisfaction that he had never thought would be his. Sure, it's a long shoot and he's struggling by the end of it because anyone would. But he sees the shots, and how gorgeous he looks, and how well his story is told, and he loves it.
There's twelve visitors that make things easier too. Everyone comes, and he's so happy he thinks he could cry, because they all bring something with them. Even the hyungs that don't turn up with snacks or vitamins in place of energy drink bring their faith and their trust and their genuine awe at who he has become, and it's enough to keep him going.
He's doing this for himself, because he wants to know just how much he can achieve. He's doing this for the fans, because he wants to give them another reason to love him and to celebrate him. And he's doing this for his group, who have trusted him with their choreography and who have never once doubted him.
He owes it to everyone—to see this through.
The music video drops after much anticipation, and his eyes keep sparkling with every compliment. There's not a single thing about it he would change, and he says that with every part of his soul.
"So cool!" Soonyoung says, as he wraps his arms around him, even though he had the privilege of seeing the choreography before everyone else.
Jun and Minghao hug him as well because it's a Performance Unit hug, and soon he's surrounded by love from all sides and in every direction.
On the day of his first music show performance, his heart races with anxiety and his hands feel clammy. It's the first time in as long as he can remember that there is nobody on stage with him. Until the killing point of his choreography, he will need to fill the stage alone. Just him.
It's daunting, and he's a little terrified that for all his talents, he's still not quite enough to do that.
But he thinks of his parents, who love him so much he can always go home to them, and who he has always loved dancing with.
And he thinks of an audience that look like durians that don't need to be impressed because he just needs to give them his best, and of lights illuminating the way.
And he thinks of the importance of loving what he does, and how the reason to carry on doing things will always be because of how it makes him feel.
And he thinks of his members- off-stage now, but who are going to welcome him back with open arms and compliments and all his favourite foods.
And he thinks of the children tuning in for this specific episode, who will see him and realise that this is what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and who will shyly confess that this was the deciding moment in ten years time.
Lee Chan thinks of himself, and all his capabilities. He thinks of all he has achieved and all he will continue to do. He thinks of his talents and his strength and his ability. He thinks about how he is Dino, the now and future of k-pop.
The lights turn low, and he prepares himself to dance, knowing that he's going to be nothing short of perfection. When he finishes, there are cheers from all directions at a volume that doesn't seem possible, and he stops performing to smile and wave and blow kisses and be the idol he has always been.
And it's then that he realises the real truth.
So long as he can dance, and he trusts himself to perform, he knows he can survive everything.