Work Text:
11 February 2026
Unknown Number
so when you say a good time
what’re you talking about
?
wait oh shit
so i got a new job and went out to celebrate
and a lot of that ended up a blur
but i think someone might have dared me to write that somewhere
Unknown Number
on the bathroom wall
but yeah that makes sense
sorry about this then
oh no don’t worry itss fine
so uhhh
how was ur day? im assuming that ur not a tourist
well. ‘bathroom’ not ‘restroom’
+ the general air of very british apology
Unknown Number
haha
well it was decent
nothing out of the ordinary
but congrats on the new job!
thx! im actually so happy i got it
it’s kind of been. ok infodump
ive wanted to do something in the field for yeaaars
but i got kicked out of secondary due to some property damage and i wasnt actually sure if i was ever going to be able to get a job i liked anywhere
but i repeated the year at a different school worked very hard and then got into a good uni
floated around a bit travelled a little
and then my new job actually liked my non-conventional resume
so yeah im very proud of myself
Unknown Number
glad to hear that!
hope your new job goes well
<3
12 March 2026
[photo.png]
saw a cool bird on the way to work
oh shit sorry wrong number
Unknown Number
nw
hey, this is the person i accidentally sexted, right?
yeah?
Unknown Number
how’s that new job going?
oh! brilliant
i love the people im working with
canr believe u remembered
Unknown Number
it’s a memorable way to meet new people
guess it is
Unknown Number
but nice tit!
ha ha ha
so how r u?
nice stranger (accidental sext)
oh fine
currently trying to persuade my boss my department should get more funding
oof
nice stranger (accidental sext)
yeah
my condolences
nice stranger (accidental sext)
it’s not actually that bad
she isn’t fond of budget increases all that much
but she does respect me
well thats good at least
nice stranger (accidental sext)
yeah. it is actually same as yours, dream job situation
and again, good people! mostly an older crowd but there was a younger woman who joined recently
and she’s just as lovely
always good to hear
well. lunch is over. ought to get back 2 work
nice stranger (accidental sext)
same here
bye!
nice stranger (accidental sext)
bye
18 March 2026
nice stranger (accidental sext)
GOT. THE. FUNDING
yayyyy!
nice stranger (accidental sext)
haha i’m exaggerating how hard it was
all i needed to pull her aside and shove some charts under her nose
she’s ex-military. pretty stone cold logic - though her husband is a bit nuts - and i had what i needed
like okay tangent but i cannot stress how weird her husband is
he seems to be permanently LARPing as a knight from the crusades
which. yk. but he’s actually surprisingly non-racist
apparently the ‘barbarian hordes’ he talks about killing are just other knight LARPers
he got banned from the building years ago for bringing a sword inside so barely any of the non-old crowd know about him
but he is apparently fun to drink with
you’d probably like him, ‘text me for a good time’
I WAS DRUNK
nice stranger (accidental sext)
you know, i think i need a name for you…
[screenshot.png]
since that was what you advertised yourself as
very funny
right u r no longer entitled to being called ‘nice stranger’
absolute scum of the earth
oh? what am i now?
look for yourself
[screenshot.png]
absolute scum of the earth
ok ha
got to go. see you later?
well im going into work so no
also we don’t know each other irl so no
but text u later maybe
absolute scum of the earth
k
23 March 2026
absolute scum of the earth
[photo.png]
some tits i saw outside my flat
u r a literal child
literal child
do you like them, at least?
yes i like ur tits. shag off
1 April 2026
literal child
i feel as if i should make some light-hearted jest given the date
‘light hearted jest’ did ur boss’s husband possess you
medieval knight
no
9 May 2026
made cake. appreciate it. or else
medieval knight
mmm
looks tasty
[download.png]
medieval knight
‘go to horny jail’ LOCKDOWN IS OVER
yeah i know
medieval knight
i'm saying your memes are six years out of fashion. i held it back the other day when you actually unironically said ‘rizz’ but seriously?
u just dont appreciate my talent
downtown coolsville
i appreciate you very much
but by god your slang is oudated
'gordon bennet' you can say fuck. you regularly say fuck. you do not have to do this
18 June 2026
if you had to recommend a really terrible restaurant in london what would you rec?
some family members want to visit and im trying to dissuade them from doing so again
downtown coolsville
oh
okay. how bad are we talking?
i am cutting them off the moment i finish repaying them back my uni money bad
downtown coolsville
give me just a sec
thank you so much
my saviour
right, i've got a list
if you want the worst beer you've ever had in your life, i know a local pub that should do the trick
3 July 2026
rate my fit
my saviour
WHY
it’s literally just a nice shirt + trousers
my saviour
the jacket
oh right
there’s uhh a lot of badges
my saviour
that thing should be legally classified as plate armour
is that something they legally distinguish tho?
my saviour
are you secretly a time traveller from the 80s
alright elle woods
or elliot woods
whatever
ell(iot?) woods
those badges would look so much better rearranged
their colours and shapes really clash
perhaps that’s intentional
to confuse anyone trying to mug me
ell(iot?) woods
you have literal plate armour
you do not need to worry about kaleidiscoping your enemies to death
when not even a chainsaw could get through that thing
ok i get it
...can i admit this isn't even all the badges i have
19 August 2026
soooo
ell(iot?) woods
yes?
since you’re such a fashion critic
[photo.png]
which is more likely to get me promoted?
ell(iot?) woods
damn we’re both trying to get promoted at the same time huh?
o u r 2?
ell(iot?) woods
not a single full word in that sentence
just answer the question mate
grammarly
option two
but isn’t it a dash early to be looking for a promotion?
no one else is applying
like literally no one
grammarly
oh well good luck then
u too!
5 September 2026
grammarly
guess who just got the email?
guess who ALSO just got the email?
grammarly
i’m assuming successful?
hell yeah!
grammarly
great!
this is absolutely wicked! i never expected to get promoted so quickly
grammarly
‘wicked’ ok elphaba
but seriously, congrats!
ty! :D
glinda
ok ok. i’m opening it now
no :(
oh that sucks
glinda
i’m fine rlly
maybe in a bit
besides it was a lot of work i’d be taking on
if ur happy
glinda
i am
i mean i might even be getting a new coworker
not a new one i mean
but i think someone below me was getting promoted so we’ll be working closer together now
hopefully whoever it is is nice
im probably getting a new coworker too
glinda
everyone at work is nice
and yeah i hope the same for you
try not to have a repeat of february if you go out and celebrate ;)
however would i get you trying to sext me otherwise?
27 October 2026
are you doing anything for halloween?
glinda
office bash!
[photo.png]
i’m going as a pumpkin
nice! i bet you’ll look great
carriage in training
what about you?
there’s a party at the office im planning to go to
carriage in training
maybe you could go as a time traveller
or a medieval knight
that jacket could do both
2 September 2026
carriage in training
so! how was it?
apparently the woman im now working with went as a pumpkin
sucks that i didn't get to see her as it
carriage in training
‘apparently’?
got sick :(
carriage in training
ah sucks
but so now it’s been like two months
how’s the promotion been treating you?
ik you talked about it early on but has it stayed good?
oh its great
the woman i work with is very nice
she’s really funny too
employee satisfaction survey
sounds good
yeah
she is always on her phone though
29 November 2026
employee satisfaction survey
[photo.png]
reminded me of you
that was ONE TIME
employee satisfaction survey
you know you’re lucky management got to cleaning that off the wall quickly
otherwise i think that would have been a lot more than one time
very funny joke
perhaps that’s why you keep making it over and over again
alleged comedian
oof haha
i am glad it happened though
else how would you and i be friends?
25 December 2026
alleged comedian
merry christmas <3
thank you!
doing anything nice?
alleged comedian
no
i would normally come into work but no one is around on christmas and they don’t unlock the doors or anything
so bit of a waste of effort
i'm eating noodles and watching an archeology program rn
well that sounds nice to me
ebenezer (but nicer)
yeah it is actually
bye!
ebenezer (but nicer)
bye!
13 January 2027
i think my coworker has a cold
she’s been coughing for ages
ebenezer (but nicer)
oh that sucks
like her nose looks red and everything
she’s pretty flushed too
ebenezer (but nicer)
oh poor her
hey are you still there?
i think. i might. have a crush. on her
and im only just realising that now
ebenezer (but nicer)
oh
ok i need to figure out if she likes me too
secret diary
you do that then
okay thinking about it i cannot tell
what should i do???
right i am going to… wait for a bit. see if her vibes towards me change
or if they’re flirtatious
whatever
are you still there?
secret diary
yeah
sorry i was busy
11 February 2027
secret diary
happy one year of friendship!
oh wow that time passed so quick!
happy friendiversary then
wow so much has changed
secret diary
i know!
i should go and write something on the wall in the bathroom to celebrate
before i need to go to work i mean
u r never letting that go are you?
anyway i wanted to sort of update u
im planning to ask my coworker out
i dont know if she does like me back or not
but we get along
hopefully if she doesnt lake me back we can still be friends
secret diary
oh
well i’ll send you the picture then
[photo.png]
there
oh shit
sorry didn’t mean to flip the camera like that
omg
secret diary
yeah that’s… an awkward angle isn’t it
go into work. right now
li shou FUCKING yuing
?
i need to tell my coworker i like her
li shou FUCKING yuing
???
[photo.png]
li shou FUCKING yuing
?
wait
WAIT
ACE?
YES!
li shou FUCKING yuing
THIS WHOLE TIME?
YES!
li shou FUCKING yuing
oh my god
i’m the coworker you were going to ask out
and im the person you’ve been texting for the last year!
who i just now realise clearly fancied me the whole time
li shou FUCKING yuing
trust me it was very obvious
what are the chances?
more importantly, how did we not realise?
li shou FUCKING yuing
i think you should start worrying a lot less about how we didn’t realise ace
i think you should instead start worrying about getting the closest bus to work
meet you there?
li shou FUCKING yuing
i think the implication is pretty clear
well we have both been missing some very obvious things
i thought it would be best to check
li shou FUCKING yuing
meet me there, then
i will <3
see you there, shou yuing