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Maybe I’m not made for this.
Dennis lit himself another cigarette, sitting down on the ledge of the roof.
He’d lost three patients. Three, all by himself. All alone, all his fault. A baby, a man in his 30s, and a little girl.
They say you’re not a doctor until you lose a patient, but at what point is the line between doctor and murderer crossed?
“Thought you might be here.”
Dennis didn’t turn to look; he knew it was Robby, looking for him, or more so after him, as if he were a kid.
When the little girl had died, right under Dennis’s eyes, Robby had witnessed all confidence and hope fade away from the young man.
Dennis exhaled the smoke, “I was looking for you, actually.” He remarked casually.
“You did well, kid.” Robby took a few steps towards him, but stopped when he was halfway there.
Dennis scoffed. “I’m not a dog, I know I fucked up.”
A sigh escaped Robby.
“Shouldn’t you be going home?” Dennis took another drag from his cigarette.
“I promised Dr. Santos I’d come get you first. Alive and in one piece, preferably, but if you want a trampoline down there, I can go tell Lena.”
Dennis cracked a smile. “I have to move out eventually.”
Robby made his way to the young man, stopping right at the railing and leaning over it. “If you jump, you can’t move out.”
Dennis took another drag. “Not a huge loss.”
Robby stared at him, at his curls, at his hoodie — dark blue — Robby had ‘accidentally’ forgotten to ask for it back after giving it to Dennis post-another spillage accident, and at his cigarette.
“You’ve been spending too much time around Dana. Smoking is bad for you.”
Dennis turned his head to look at him. “I only smoke when my shift is over.”
“Yeah?” Robby cracked a smile as soon as his eyes met Dennis’s. “I usually have a cold beer and go to bed.”
“Hm,” Dennis took another drag, “I know.” He responded after exhaling the smoke.
As Dennis turned his head to look at the city instead, Robby cleared his throat briefly, rubbing his chest with his fist for a bit. “We’ve all had a rough day, Whitaker. It comes with the job.”
“At least you didn’t kill a baby,” Dennis remarked, glancing down at his dangling feet. “What does that make me? A child murderer?”
Robby shook his head slowly. “It makes you a doctor who tried.”
“I didn’t try hard enough, then.”
Robby made his way over the railing, looking down at Dennis, hands in his pockets.
Dennis had started out so hopeful and unknowing of all that was ahead of him. On good days, Dennis was still the hopeful man Robby had met on his first day at The Pitt. But those weren’t many days anymore; poor Dennis had seen too much in so little time.
Robby took a deep breath, sitting down next to Dennis, his legs under the railing on the ledge, one of them touching Dennis’s.
“Maybe I am not made for this, Dr. Robby.” Dennis set the cigarette butt next to him before lighting himself another cigarette.
“Are any of us at all?” Robby turned his head to look at him. “No one is made to witness so much death and pain, kid. It comes with the job, I told you.”
Dennis took a drag from his cigarette, turning his head to look at Robby and blowing the smoke in his face. “Killing kids isn’t part of any job.”
Robby tilted his head slightly, a small, pitiful, perhaps, smile appearing on his lips. “We never remember all the people we save. But we always remember those we lost trying to save everyone.”
The younger man’s smile reappeared, but in a way smaller form this time.
Robby grabbed the cigarette from Dennis’s fingers, taking a drag himself. He gestured for Dennis to lean in, which he did, his lips parting slightly. Enough for Robby to unite their lips in a kiss as he exhaled the smoke straight into Dennis’s mouth.
Dennis was the one to pull away, however, before he grabbed his cigarette back from Robby. “What a way to distract someone. I bet it really works with Sierra.”
Robby looked up at the sky for a moment before turning his head away from Dennis.
Sierra, Robby’s ex-girlfriend, whom he’d met once two weeks ago while he was out having drinks with Abbot. A moment of weakness, he called it; he was trying to avoid thinking about… other matters of the heart when he’d kissed her.
It was just a kiss, he’d said to Dennis through the phone. Dennis had not believed a single word that had come out of his mouth and had ended everything between them in a heartbeat, that very night.
Robby was the one to always end relationships. And, in all honesty, he hadn’t even thought of letting Dennis go, but Dennis had disentangled himself from Robby’s restraints of an ‘exclusive when convenient, non-exclusive when it feels like too much’ relationship.
“Dennis, I told you that it was just a kiss.”
“And I told you that I didn’t care to be with someone who doesn’t want to commit to me, Doctor Robinavitch. I deserve better.”
As much as Dennis had changed for the worse when it came to his mental health, one thing had indeed changed for the best — his sense of self-worth.
Maybe it had been all those things Robby had told him after every kiss, make-out session, sexual encounter, or hook-up. Or maybe it had been all Dr. Santos helping him.
Robby was proud of him. Even if he also wished, selfishly, for Whitaker to stop knowing how worthy of better he was and come back to him.
“You’re right.” Robby admitted, watching as Dennis’s exhaled smoke dispersed in the air in front of him. The rest of the words died in Robby’s throat, however.
Dennis took another glance at him, this time his eyes lingering on his side profile. His beard, his wrinkles, his once-again messy hair.
“Did you ever tell anyone about us?”
Robby turned his head again, meeting his gaze. “Abbot and Dana.”
Dennis blinked repeatedly a few times before handing Robby his cigarette. “You always told them about your flings.” He said matter-of-factly.
Fling. Dennis had not been a fling. Dennis had been a kid Robby felt bad about corrupting with his own issues, while simultaneously excited to be the one to teach Dennis anything, from in-bed activities to in-job ones. Dennis had been the first person he was with who’d seen him cry his eyes out, both thanks to their job and personal issues of Robby’s.
“You weren’t a fling.”
“That’s what you used to call me.” Dennis watched as Robby took a drag from the cigarette before handing it back to Dennis.
“And I used to call spoons forks until I was five, it doesn’t mean I was very right.” Robby remarked after exhaling the smoke.
Dennis couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle as he looked away. Robby looked away as well, moving his feet slightly.
“So I was more to you?”
“Will I be forgiven if I say yes?”
“No.”
“Then yes. You were.”
Dennis glanced at him, catching Robby doing the same thing as him. But neither of them looked away.
“Let’s take it from zero, maybe?” Robby stood up, brushing off anything that might’ve stuck to his pants when he was sitting down.
“What does that mean?” Dennis looked up at him.
“Well, you know.” Robby set his hands in his pockets, watching as the younger doctor stood up as well, cigarette still lit between his fingers. “Maybe you allow me to take you out for a proper dinner, and talk you into not leaving the date early because Dr. Santos needs help at home.”
Dennis stared at him for a bit, taking another drag from his cigarette. “What, you feel lonely at night? That’s why you want to go out with me?” He said after exhaling the cigarette smoke.
“I feel lonely every day without you, Whitaker.”
“And you’re willing to go out with a murderer?”
“You don’t really look like Hannibal Lecter, but sure.” Robby shrugged, a smile lingering on his lips.
Dennis chuckled, throwing his cigarette on the ground and stepping on it. “I do have one condition for that to happen, though, Dr. Robby.”
“Hm,” Robby gave a small nod, watching as Dennis took a few steps closer. “Surprise me, kid.”
Dennis pulled lightly on Robby’s hoodie strings with one hand. “You either commit to me, or I walk away.”
Robby stared into the man’s eyes for a while before giving him another nod. “Alright, but I have one condition too.”
Dennis simply raised his eyebrows, waiting for the older man to continue.
“You watch Doctor Who with me.”
“We’ll see.” Dennis shrugged casually, beginning to make his way back to the exit of the rooftop.
“Oh, come on!” Robby followed close behind. “It’s a great show.”
Dennis stopped right by the exit as he turned to look at Robby. “Buy me dinner, and we’ll see if I agree.”
Robby had long stopped feeling butterflies in his stomach when dating someone or hooking up with someone a very long time ago. However, Dennis had shown him from the moment that they met that he could still, very well, feel them.
“Alright, then.” Robby’s smile widened, watching as Dennis left the rooftop. He stood there for a moment, taking a glance back at the ledge they were just sitting on, before following his… new boyfriend.
But neither are you, and yet here you are.