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I told myself that it was for the sake of the kingdom.
Day after day, night after night, until my hands were rough and bleeding, until they were covered in bruises and cuts, until my weary heart begged for mercy - there was no end to the futures I wanted to realise, no end to the journey towards peace, no end to the regrets inside myself for not being able to make these futures appear sooner. Although the words I preach are of tolerance, although my wishes are of forgiveness and kindness the world yearns so desperately for, the only person I can’t forgive and tolerate still seems to be myself.
While you looked at me with all the love in your eyes and pride in your heart, all I could only think about was how it was my weakness that couldn’t alleviate your burdens more quickly, how it was my weakness that was holding back our reforms from advancing faster, and how it was my weakness that eventually brought me to today’s reality without your presence. I could only think about how the only thing growing inside of myself was hatred and pain, desperately wanting to cry and open my heart’s weaknesses to you forever, yet hating this weakness inside myself at the same time.
So I told myself that everything I did was for the kingdom, I told myself that I was nothing but a vessel to be put to use for our reforms, that I wouldn’t stop working until I could give the kingdom everything you wished for. I selfishly decided your wishes for me, selfishly dismissed my pains and agonies believing it was virtue, mistaking your kindness for approval, I took your words for granted, but I quickly lost all of them, telling you it’s fine, I’m fine, that everything’s going to be fine once I’ve finished.
But there was no finish, there was no endline in sight, only my blind stubbornness disguised as aspiration, only the kingdom borne of my blood and tears. Somewhere along the way, I had confused the identity of myself for the kingdom, misled myself into what were only figments of longing, losing myself entirely. This was not the kingdom you wished for, nor was I the man you saw - this was only the manifestation of my selfish desires. You never wanted me to do this, you never loved me just because I sacrificed everything for the kingdom. It was only me who selfishly and blindly believed that this was my life’s purpose, that this was truly ‘me’. You looked at me not as the kingdom, not as the Grand Vizier, but for the person I was, while I looked at you as the monarch, His Majesty, The Sultan, The Sun. I wish I could tell you how much I’m sorry.
And so I don’t want to live in this mindless fantasy anymore. Even if living truly keeps bringing my heart pain, I want to hold my head up high and live clearly with dignity. To turn around and build a kingdom for you, not of me, a kingdom with the essentials of your love. The version of me who scolded your nonsensical humour, the version of me who relented and forgot about work next to you; I want to become the version of ‘me’ that is worthy of this ‘you’ in my heart, I want to become the version of ‘me’ that is worthy of standing by your side, I want to become the version of ‘me’ in your eyes. Before we meet again, I want to truly be ‘me’.
Seeing how I couldn’t tolerate myself, you laughed at me again, and that’s how I knew that you had saved ‘me’ once again, Arzu.