Work Text:
Cocoro didn’t really have plans for New Year's Eve. It was the four year anniversary of her getting kicked out of her former group. It wasn't a day she tended to celebrate beyond a drink or two. She was wandering around looking for a bar that wasn't too busy to stop at before going home.
Cocoro remembered the day she was kicked out of ME:I by management. It wasn’t long after she had stood up for Shizuku during her scandal. If you could call it that. She had been called into the office, sat down, and told that her contract wouldn’t be renewed at the end of the year. It was that simple. She had kind of expected it at that point. She wasn’t the only member who stood up for the members' well-being, but she was by far the most assertive. That said, she didn’t want to leave ME:I. Despite her hiatus, she loved being an idol. Being on stage was one of the only things that made her feel whole.
She was twenty-five by the time she was kicked out. Idols had debuted at her age or older, but it wasn’t common, and she had already debuted twice. She decided it was time to give it up. Being freshly twenty-nine, she’d never felt so aimless. She had gotten a job in accounting. It wasn’t comparable to performing, but it was steady. And in many ways, a lot less stressful. She hadn’t talked to any of the remaining members in over two years, but it wasn’t for their lack of trying. All of the girls had reached out to Cocoro multiple times the year following her departure. She replied to the initial messages, assuring everyone that she was doing alright, but she just needed to take some time for herself for a while. It was just hard. Seeing the remaining members felt like a reminder of what was stolen from her. She eventually got back in touch with Miu, and they met up every few months for a while, but eventually Cocoro found even that to be too painful. She still checked in on Ran, Shizuku, and Kokona, but none of them were as close as they were when they were idols together.
She eventually found a suitable bar. It looked small, but not overly cramped. Shaking her thoughts away, she strolled up to the counter and ordered a cocktail. The bartender brought her drink a few minutes later.
At some point, Cocoro realized someone had appeared next to her. She wasn't sure how long they'd been there.
“Cocoro?” She couldn’t ever mistake this voice. Cocoro finally looked up. She hadn’t seen the woman in person in nearly four years, and she even managed to avoid her face in advertisements and online for the most part. Momona looked down at her with an expression Cocoro couldn’t decipher. Her former groupmate, her former friend, looked a little different than the last time Cocoro had seen her. She’d gone all in with the short hair. Cocoro knew that was something Momona had wanted to do for a while. The boyish look suited her. Same as the confidence that came with it. She stared at Cocoro, blinking as if she wasn’t sure she was really there, but something else was present on her face too.
Cocoro straightened her posture. “What are you doing here?” She couldn’t think of anything else to say. She wasn’t sure what she was even allowed to say.
Cocoro was in love with Momona once. She’d managed to push the feelings down. For the sake of professionalism. Feelings within groups weren’t something she wanted to deal with– she’d heard horror stories from her friends in other groups. A romance between two members could tear a group apart. The cherry on top was that she knew Momona liked women. Momona had come out to her back before they were confirmed to debut, when they were practicing their level placement test as rebloom. Momona had cried to her, and Cocoro held her in her arms. Cocoro didn’t tell Momona that she was the same. She was already developing feelings for her. As if telling Momona would give her a chance. Seeing her these years later stirred something inside Cocoro that she’d prefer to ignore.
Momona sat on the stool next to her. “Just… getting ready to celebrate the new year.” She hummed. “It’s been a while.”
Cocoro nodded. “It has.”
“Surprised we haven’t run into each other sooner.”
“Eh, Tokyo is a big city.” Cocoro gulped her drink before continuing. She’d need quite a few more of these if she were to make it through the night. “Plus, I remember where you frequent. I try to stay out of your bubble.”
Cocoro wasn’t ready for Momona’s face at that. A look she could only describe as hurt. “What have you been up to?” Momona asked, and it shot Cocoro with a pang of guilt. She wasn’t ready for this.
“Just… stuff. I went back to school for a bit. I’m working in accounting right now. It’s not very cool, compared to, you know…” Cocoro had no way to make her current life sound interesting. It really wasn’t. “I, uh, how are things in idol world?”
“I think I could see you in office attire.” Momona tilted her head, as if she were trying to imagine it. “We’re doing well now, as a group. Losing the four of you made it really hard for a while. For all of us, me especially. I don’t know if you realize that.”
Cocoro was sure Momona didn’t mean to be hurtful. It wasn’t a crazy sentence. Momona wasn’t really a harsh person. She wasn’t cruel. But all Cocoro wanted right now was to crawl into a hole and wait. Wait for the new year to come, wait for Momona to leave, and wait for all of this to just truly be behind her. You’d think after four years it wouldn’t hurt so much. Cocoro’s eyes started to water.
“Sorry. If that made you uncomfortable.” Momona blurted. “I mean, it’s not your fault things unfolded the way they did.” She gulped. “Just… why didn’t you ever reach out to me? You know I would’ve been there for you.”
Cocoro couldn’t bring herself to reply for a moment. She couldn’t even look at Momona. “Did I have any right to? I should’ve been more, well, self-controlled. Like how you were.” Cocoro took a deep breath. She had to keep her voice steady. “It hurts, you know? To think about what I’m missing. With the group. With you. I couldn’t bring myself to deal with the consequences of my actions.” Cocoro finally lifted her head to look back at Momona. The younger woman was biting her lip and fidgeting, tapping against her knee. She looked like she was about to cry. She wasn’t the only one.
“I’m sorry–”
Cocoro shook her head. “Stop. What's done is done, yeah? Not like you’re at fault for anything, anyway. I should be apologizing to you. I should’ve kept in touch.” Cocoro reached for Momona’s hand. Cocoro couldn’t be sure, but she thought she saw a hint of a blush rise to Momona’s cheeks. “I wish that I’d, um, reached out sooner. Or at all. It isn’t reaching out if you found me, is it?”
Momona giggled at that. “I thought maybe, maybe you weren’t comfortable with me. Because of how I am.” Momona lifted her thumb to stroke the top of Cocoro’s hand. Cocoro tried not to overreact. “I mean, I know you’re not that kind of person. Judgmental like that. You never said anything wrong or did anything wrong. Maybe I just got too caught up in my head about it.” Momona’s voice started to crack, “I’ve met, uh, straight girls who say they accept me, but distance themselves after I come out. I didn’t want to think you were like that. I don’t think you’re like that, but I wondered if maybe that's why you replied to the other members. And not me.”
Momona thought there was something wrong with her. Cocoro felt a stabbing pain in her stomach. “I–, I would never, ever, do anything like that.”
“I know–”
“Listen. Please.” Cocoro reached her other hand out, now holding both of Momona’s hands. “I– God, this is hard.” Cocoro wasn’t sure what she was going to say. Just that she needed to say something. To make sure Momona knew that she never looked down on her, never thought less of her. “I wasn’t avoiding you because of that. I mean, I was avoiding you, but I’ll get to that.” She could tell Momona was confused. Cocoro took a deep breath. “I’m a lesbian.” She says it. Lesbian.
When Momona came out to her, she hadn’t labeled her sexuality. She just said that she liked women. Usually, when Cocoro would come out to people, which didn’t happen often, it’d be the same. She knew there was nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but it was hard to say. It was hard to admit.
Momona blinked. She was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry for assuming, you know, that. Thank you. For telling me.”
“Don’t apologize. I wanted you to think I was straight. That was the whole point. It isn’t that I didn’t trust you before. Do you remember when you told me you like women?”
Momona nodded. “Yeah.”
“I had, uh. I wanted to tell you then. That we’re the same.” Cocoro cleared her throat. “But you were so… you meant a lot to me back then. I didn’t tell you. Because it felt like I was putting something in the universe.”
“Put something in the universe?” Momona asked. Cocoro wished she weren’t so dense. It’d save her the embarrassment of having to say it.
Just as Cocoro was about to try and explain, think up with some sort of response, the bartender came up and asked if either of them wanted another drink, to which both women declined. The bartender seemed not to notice Cocoro’s slightly disheveled state, or she just politely ignored it. Cocoro was thankful either way.
“If you still want to talk, but with more privacy, we can, uh, go back to my place?” Cocoro internally cringed. Maybe externally, too. It wasn’t meant to sound so… suggestive.
Momona smiled. “Yeah, that's a good idea.”
“This is a nice area.” Momona swung her arms as they exited the taxi. She still had the slightly awkward charm that Cocoro had fallen for years ago. But that wasn’t something she should be thinking right now. Definitely not.
“I like it a lot here. It’s a quiet neighborhood, and my apartment is nice.” Cocoro started walking in the direction of her complex.
“You live alone, I assume?” Momona asked. It felt weird. Even though they hadn’t spoken in four years, it was weird that Momona had to ask this. It was weird that she didn’t just know. There was a time they knew everything about each other.
“I do, yeah. No roommates, and no, uh, girlfriend, either.” Cocoro reached into her pocket, fumbling for her keys. “Just a moment.”
“...Have you been looking for one?”
Cocoro finally unlocked her door, “A roommate, or..?”
“A girlfriend.” Momona followed Cocoro inside, following as she took off her shoes. Cocoro tried not to short-circuit at the idea of talking about this with Momona of all people.
“I, uh, I tried. A year after getting kicked out. It didn’t work out.” Cocoro waved Momona further inside, “You can take a seat on the couch. I’m gonna grab myself a beer, do you want one?”
“I can’t say no to a drink on New Year’s Eve.” Momona giggled as she took a seat on Cocoro’s sofa.
“How much longer until the new year?” Cocoro sat down next to Momona, handing her a beer. “Opened it for you.”
Momona hummed, checking her phone. “Fifteen minutes. And thank you.”
“I hope I didn’t take over any of your other plans.” Cocoro joked, but she kind of meant it. What was Momona even doing out on her own on New Year’s Eve?
Momona shook her head. “I usually spend the time leading into the new year alone now. Since you left.”
“Since I left?”
“I mean, all four of you leaving was difficult. But with you, it was different. I mean, you didn’t even leave voluntarily. They kicked you out. And it was you.” Momona explained, “I had trouble making sense of it all. The others, it was easier. And I was able to talk to them. But every new year now reminds me of you.”
Cocoro was pretty sure she was going to cry. Talking to Momona like this. It was hurting her. She couldn’t control her words. “I was developing feelings for you. Back when you came out. I didn’t want anything to come of it. I know what happens when group members get… involved with each other. I didn’t want to risk our careers. I felt like if I said something, it made it a possibility. So I didn’t.” By the time she had finished speaking, a few tears had rolled down her cheeks. Cocoro wiped them away.
“You… had feelings for me?” Momona asked as if she genuinely couldn’t believe it. As if the idea of Cocoro being interested in her was unfathomable.
Cocoro sniffled. “Is it that unbelievable?”
“I don’t know. Kinda? I thought you were straight until tonight.” Momona giggled.
“I should’ve told you.”
Momona shook her head. “You didn’t have to tell me anything. And I mean, your reasoning. It makes sense.”
“Can I hug you?” Cocoro asked. She didn’t know what else to do. She was trying to keep herself from crying even more.
“Yeah,” Momona reached for Cocoro, pulling her in. Cocoro wrapped her arms around her, like she’d disappear if she let her go. “I missed you.” Momona choked. Cocoro couldn’t see, but she was pretty sure Momona was crying.
“Me too. I missed you, too.” Cocoro responded.
They stayed like that for a bit. Cocoro didn’t want to let go, so she didn’t. Momona’s arms were wrapped around Cocoro’s waist, holding her almost just as tight.
The sound of fireworks broke them apart.
“Is it already midnight?” Momona asked.
Cocoro looked at her clock on the table, “Not yet. One more minute.”
Cocoro turned to look back at Momona, only just realizing how close they were. They’d pulled apart to check the time, but Momona still had an arm around her waist, and Cocoro was halfway on her lap. Cocoro had a close view of Momona’s face, of her soft eyes and heart-shaped lips. She forced herself to look away.
“I had feelings for you, too,” Momona whispered. “A lot of them.”
“You–” Cocoro turned to face her again, but her sentence was interrupted by the boom of more fireworks. “...It must be midnight.”
Momona smiled. “Sorry for dropping that out of nowhere.”
“Don’t be.” Cocoro smiled back. “We’re in quite the situation, aren’t we?”
Momona nodded. Cocoro noticed as Momona’s eyes flicked between her eyes and her lips. “Can I…?” Momona asked.
Cocoro nodded and leaned in to meet Momona’s lips. Something she’d dreamt of multiple nights. They were as soft as they looked. Cocoro silently hoped it wouldn’t be their last time doing this.
Momona broke the kiss. “I don’t know if they ever really went away. My feelings.” Momona whispered. “I didn’t want to forget you.”
“It’s ok if they didn’t.” Cocoro smiled. “I’m not entirely sure mine did either.”