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The first time Pangi meets his soulmate, it's at the entrance of an airport in Amsterdam, surrounded by his friends, and with apprehension making his chest grow tight.
Not that he's apprehensive about meeting his soulmate right there and now, of course not, how could he anticipate such a sudden, unexpected thing that could fall into his life any minute? Something he had waited for as long as he can remember… As a kid, he'd watch princes and princesses in movies compulsively, fairy tales that depicted finding the One. He imagined that moment for years and years. He'd meet a pretty girl, she'd make him laugh and she would be everything. And he would know. He would just know that she's the One.
'When you touch your soulmate for the first time ever, you'll just know' His mom had told him once, folding to his constant questions on the matter. 'You will hold hands or something, and it'll feel just like being struck by lightening. In a good way.'
For years growing up, he'd glance at girls in the street or on the subway, wondering if this one was meant to be the one. Wondering if he'd be losing his chance forever by not walking up to them, or if fate would bring them to meet again, someday, some place.
But Pangi isn't thinking about any of this as Lukey emerges from the back of the airport, his huge suitcase in hand. Lukey waves at them with a big smile and Pangi thinks he can hear Zam shout something by his side, but he's not paying attention to any of his friends now.
Lukey looks… Tired, is the first thing he notices. But he looks so very different in real life, soaked in daylight and carved out of colors and shadows. He's like something straight out of a 3D printer, something that has come alive just from imagination. He's too… Perfect to be real. Except he's not, not at all, Pangi realizes. Lukey's eyes are lined with exhaustion, his hair's a little messy from the flight, and he's got some stubble growing along his jaw. But those are imperfections that Pangi could study for hours. Weird.
He approaches, his eyes track Pangi, focused on him. And Pangi steps forward too without even realizing it, they're gravitating to each other like magnets, like planets who will collide eventually, unavoidably, driven by fate. He doesn't even want to risk one of their other friends making contact with Lukey first, the idea upsets him. Lukey is here, the image of him is burning into his retinas and Pangi needs to be the first to make sure he's real. Solid under his touch.
Lukey's the one who steps forward and throw his arms around his shoulders, and Pangi hugs him back greedily, hands wrapped at his waist. With the warmth and the satisfaction of the embrace also comes pure electricity. Pangi hisses, feeling like his entire body has dematerialized into a mess of pins and needles. It burns at his skin, but it's nice too, it's nearly addictive. He can only tighten his embrace around Lukey desperately like he's a lifeline, like Pangi would simply float away or drown if he let go. He hears Lukey gasp helplessly against his ear, a confirmation that he's not the only one who is lost at sea in a thunderstorm. Only when the sensation fades from lightening to a present buzz in his skin does he dare to step back from Lukey, letting his hands grip at his waist still, grounding himself. Their eyes meet, with the shock of what this means setting in, and with a certain undertone of distress. The electricity is still palpable, almost visible between them. Pangi's struck with the terrible realization that he wants more.
Derap steps up to them with an annoyed groan. "Alright, you two. Enough of that."
—
They don't talk about it.
For multiple reasons. The first, being that they are constantly around people and it's hard to have such a heavy, serious conversation like this. They spend their first few days knowing each other in person constantly looking for one another in crowds, focusing far too much on whatever it is that they have. It makes their other friends irritable and all they can do is play into it like nothing is wrong. But Pangi knows perfectly what they look like. He can't shake this magnetic field that glues him to Lukey's side even if he tried.
The second reason is… Well. This can't be real, is what Pangi has been repeating to himself over and over. This can't be true, they can't be… Soulmates.
Yet, he hangs off of every word that comes out of Lukey's mouth like it's much needed oxygen. He touches Lukey obsessively, possessively, forgetting all his anxieties as long as they're standing by each other. He needs him close, needs him impossibly closer. And all those urges that pull at his heartstrings align perfectly with what he always thought soulmates felt like.
But. His soulmate isn't who he pictured. And that's a whole lifelong idea that just got shattered before him. And, he isn't exactly sure how it's possible that his soulmate would be a man, while Pangi is categorically, definitely not into men.
Despite the situation, and how nervous he is knowing they will have to talk it out eventually, he doesn't retract the invitation for Lukey to stay in his hotel room. On one hand, Pangi's traping himself in this situation, one the other, he just really wants Lukey close, and it's a double edged sword he's submitted himself to.
—
Lukey rummages through his suitcase laid out on the floor, and all Pangi can do is study him shamelessly. He knows he's been watching Lukey all weekend, committing details to memory without meaning to.
It's the first true moment of privacy they have, after streaming their way to the hotel and coming back from the bars. And if Lukey is as nervous as Pangi is, he isn't showing it.
"Uh- so… Did you…?" Pangi starts and then chokes the words back, not even truly sure what he's trying to ask. He clears his throat as if that would help.
Lukey glances at him, and the next moment he's off the floor and making his way to sit next to Pangi. Thigh to thigh. The proximity is soothing but distracting at the same time.
"Are you okay, dude? You've been acting weird all day." Lukey asks him, softly.
"Yeah! Just, this whole, uh, soulmate situation, you know? It's… A lot."
Lukey exhales like he's been punched in the chest, but he quickly recovers like nothing happened. He laughs "Oh, that?"
"Sorry, bro! It's kind of a big deal!"
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about stuff like that." Lukey rolls his eyes and huffs a laugh. His face softens the longer he looks at Pangi. He must see something in him, something that makes him understand just how rattled Pangi feels. Eventually, he takes pity and raises a hand to Pangi's shoulder, rubbing comforting circles into the tense muscles there. It's nice, way too nice. "What's wrong, dude? Talk to me." He nearly coos.
Pangi blinks. "What do you mean 'whats wrong'? Are you not… I don't know, upset? You found out I'm your soulmate and you just…"
'You don't care' Pangi wants to accuse him. He knows it's unfair, a distortion of the truth. Lukey has been nothing but thoughtful and attentive with him all weekend, but Pangi's upset and he's getting frustrated, unsure how to express himself.
"I'm telling you, I don't think too hard about this soulmate stuff!" Lukey exclaims. His hand leaves its spot on Pangi's shoulder and finds his jaw, gently cradling his face. Pangi doesn't even flinch. "…But why would I be upset that it's you?"
It takes all the effort in the world for Pangi to turn his head and to pull away from the hand that's holding him like he is something precious. But those words make his chest tighten.
"Well. I- I'm straight, Lukey. I thought my soulmate would be…"
"Oh."
There's the slightest hint of disappointment in that one syllable, and Pangi turns back to him in an instant, eager to fix his mistake, whatever that may be. Seeing Lukey's face contort in the smallest hint of sadness makes him feel like choking on sand.
"I'm straight, but I still…" Words hang on his tongue presumptuously. I still like you. I still want you. I still need you worse than I need air. Pangi shakes his head to clear it, but Lukey interrupts him.
"It's okay, man. I get it." He says, but his words hold no conviction.
Lukey's drawn back, physically distant for the first time since they'd first hugged at that fucking airport. His eyes stay soft no matter how closed off his body language is. Pangi feels almost lost at sea without Lukey leaning into his space.
"I mean, soulmates can be… Friends? Can't they? Like… what's the word…"
"Platonic?"
"Right! Yes… Platonic." Pangi breathes, shaky. "That would be… okay, right?"
Lukey can only shrug helplessly. "Of course it'd be okay. If that's what you want, who am I to stop you."
That should be relieving to Pangi, freeing, a weight of expectations lifted off his chest. Somehow it only leaves a bitter taste to linger in his mouth.
"But you don't sound too happy about it..."
"So what?" Lukey smiles as best he can and stands up suddenly, putting distance between them. He awkwardly walks back to his suitcase and Pangi feels like he's just been gutted. "It's your decision, dude. And if you're straight then what am I supposed to say?" He huffs a laugh.
Pangi blinks. "Okay but… We could, like, figure something out? Like um, you know, I still really like hanging out with you so uh… It'd be cool if we met up regularly and you know… Hugs are good, really good, so, I don't know, maybe—"
"Pangi." Lukey interrupts his rambling. "I think it'd be best if I didn't come to your place next week."
Pangi feels his heart seize painfully in his chest before he even has time to process the words. "What?"
"Yeah uh, maybe space would do us some good."
The air stiffens and freezes all around him. Pangi could almost feel his emotions well up, his eyes go a little humid. He's never been a crier, he's never been overtly sensitive or quick to tears. But all he wants now is to pull Lukey into his space, hug him tightly and never let go. The thought of them being apart hurts harder than it should.
"Dude, Just come over like we planned, I— we can figure something out." He tries, nearly whiny. He tries anything short of begging.
"I don't know, Pangi…"
Pangi slides to the edge of the bed, closer to Lukey, and looks up at him, the eye contact intensifies. "Lucas, please?" He tries out the name that still feels unfamiliar, too heavy on his tongue. "I have so much planned for us to do, I just really, really wanna hang out with you."
Lukey swallows and somehow without either of them realizing, their hands end up linked by their side, against the bed sheets. Lukey's face reddens a little the longer they stare into each other's eyes.
"Are you sure?" Lukey asks.
Pangi had only spent the entire weekend imagining what it'd be like having Lukey stay at his house. How peaceful and wonderful it would be to just exist, just the two of them. Only accountable to the privacy of their walls. An actual bubble built just for them.
"Very sure."
—
It only takes a day or two without seeing Lukey for Pangi to fall into a bit of a depressive mood. As pathetic as that might sound. Well, maybe that's not all. Sure, he misses him terribly but he also can't stop thinking about that moment in their hotel room, when Lukey's smile turned sad and he almost slipped through Pangi's fingers. He keeps thinking about the way his heart ached when Lukey almost rejected him. That was it, right? Rejection.
But Pangi wasn't stupid, he knew that Lukey had been disappointed by his request to stay friends. He had never even imagined that Lukey was into men, less so into him. But again, maybe he was just… unbothered by gender entirely, too focused on the fact that they were Soulmates. And even if Lukey tried to play it off, Pangi knew perfectly well that it didn't mean nothing to him. They were Soulmates, each other's one and only, the perfect match. The thought is enough to make him smile to himself.
He'd turned the thought around his head for days. They're soulmates. Pangi isn't gay. Maybe they could be friends who share a house, a bed even, because sleeping with Lukey was more comfortable than he could admit. Maybe they could swear off dating anyone, and stay together like they're meant to. And maybe, if Lukey wants it, they could be friends who kiss sometimes. He would be okay with that, he thinks.
If it was all up to Pangi, he'd stay in his bed all week until Lukey comes back to him, letting his brain get the better of him and wither away under his covers. But, there's Derapchu, who is still at his house in the meantime, keeping him from completely spiraling.
Late in the morning, Derap yells for him down the stairs, claiming he ordered them breakfast online, and Pangi rolls out of bed in a haze, because he knows food delivery apps don't even serve in his area. He makes it downstairs and Derap is scrolling on his phone, waiting for breakfast to be made. Typical. So, Pangi goes to look into the fridge without a word.
"Y'know, i miss when you'd wake up at 7am like a freak."
Pangi huffs. "You just want someone to make you breakfast every day, you lazy fuck."
"No, seriously. What's going on with you, bro?" He asks, concealing the very real worries behind his tone.
"Post-con depression, I guess." Pangi mumbles. And Derapchu only hums in response, probably unconvinced.
Pangi sighs heavily. He needs to talk to someone about this and he knows that. He needs to air his thoughts before they eat at his brain like termites. But a lot of his friends are traveling back home now and are too busy, and the person he'd usually rather talk to would be Lukey. Fuck. He turns to Derap.
"If I tell you something… You promise not to, I don't know, freak out?"
He raises an eyebrow at Pangi. "Why would I do that? Have some faith in me, bro."
Pangi takes a deep, choking breath. "I uh… I met my soulmate. At twitchcon."
The words seem to struggle to reach Derapchu's head for a long second, but when it finally does, his eyes go wide and he grins, incredulous. "What? That's… That's awesome, man!"
"It's not exactly, uh, awesome. Cause it's Lukey."
"Excuse me?"
"My soulmate. It's Lukey."
Derap groans and runs a hand down his face, rubbing at his eyes as if it would help him wake up from this conversation. "Oh! Of course… I mean, I can't even be mad- it makes so much sense. Holy fuck i should've seen it coming."
"I- What are we saying- how does it make sense?!" Pangi sputters.
"It really does. You two losers have been inseparable, like, on some co-dependent shit. Also you were eye fucking each other all week."
"Eye fu- NO! Derap, no, I'm straight, bro!"
All Derap can do is stare at him like he's just said something absolutely ridiculous. He blinks. "Wait, wait, run that back. How are you straight if you and Lukey…?"
Pangi finally lets go. He sighs heavily, the air he's been subconsciously holding in, and goes to sit on the couch with his friend. And just like that, he unloads every single thing he's had on his mind in the past week. How he felt finding his soulmate, how his expectations were shattered and how he dragged himself through the stages of grief. He gingerly explains the way he feels around Lukey and his apprehensions. He even recounts their conversation at the hotel, the heartbreak of it all, the hope and the despair held in that moment.
When he finishes by telling Derapchu all the ideas he has to make it up to Lukey, the australian stares him down in absolute disbelief. "Woah, that's… You can be so fucking dumb sometimes dude, it's crazy."
"What? Fuck you, I just-"
"No. No, let me get this right… You and Lukey are, actual, real life, Soulmates." He puts in the emphasis, like it hasn't fully hit Pangi yet. "And you clearly want him. Like, it's kinda pathetic how smitten you are over him-"
"I'm not, though, not like that!"
"Are you not? Cause you just told me you'd give up dating anyone else for him. That you'd, like, be okay with anything he wants. You want him so bad, bro. Obviously." Derap sighs, his expression turning more grave. "If you'd pick him over any woman in the world, does your sexuality matter, then?"
Pangi scrambles for words for a moment, feeling a little too much like he's losing a debate. "Yeah, but that's… That's cause he's my soulmate. I can't help it."
"So act like it then! Don't let yourself get in the way of what you want."
Oh.
Those words hit Pangi like a fucking truck.
—
He's never felt so apprehensive than when waiting at the airport for Lukey. That same airport where all of this started, where his fate had been traced. Except this time he's waiting alone, Derap having just left him to catch his flight home. He had parted with him after a tight hug and after threatening to fly back to him and kill him if he fumbled again.
Pangi breathes in so deeply when he spots Lukey emerge from the airport, picking his baggage off the conveyor belt and throwing a shy smile in Pangi's direction. Deja vu hits him full force, except this time Lukey isn't nearly as much of a mess. And maybe it's because Pangi hasn't seen him in a few days, because he's missed him, but he looks hot. Actually hot. It knocks the air out of him.
Lukey is clad in a proper suit, with a waistcoat, a tie, and everything. It's a deep, black color that makes his skin glow in contrast. The coat makes him look so tall and lean, it makes his body look edible, delectable. Pangi kinda wants to walk up to him and run his hands all over the inside of Lukey's suit, make a mess of him, he'd undo his tie with his teeth and break those damned sunglasses that stop him from seeing Lukey's eyes.
Oh. Pangi thinks, when his brain catches up to that train of thought. Oh. Maybe Derap was onto something.
Lukey walks up to him with a shaky grin, partly anxious and partly excited. But he hesitates in front of him, not quite daring to embrace him. Pangi closes the distance himself, pulling Lukey into him and squeezing him tightly, and the man gasps against him at the sudden contact. He can't even pretend he hasn't missed him, Lukey can probably see right through him in this moment. He hugs back just as tightly, and they stand there embracing each other for a minute, enjoying this presence they had missed.
Pangi pulls back to look him in the eyes and quickly gets frustrated by the shades that are in the way, so he tugs them off Lukey's face and stuffs them in Lukey's front pocket. He missed this so badly. The eye contact is just as intoxicating as he remembers it.
"Can I buy you lunch?" Pangi asks, softly, before he loses the courage to say it.
Lukey's eyes widen at that question, and he chuckles. "Oh? Uh, sure, man. But I have an outfit for you first. I can't be seen with you in these clothes." He jokes, pulling at the collar of Pangi's polo.
"Of course not," Pangi smiles.
—
The afternoon is a blur, in the way that rose tinted, perfect days are a blur. Lukey gets him dressed in a suit of his, they look like they're going on a fancy date, and it makes Pangi feel kinda giddy. But all they do is get pizzas and eat them in a public park, because they're way too engrossed in each other's presence to even bother with going to a restaurant. There's many, many moments where Pangi wonders if he could kiss Lukey, if that'd be okay. He thinks he could just lean in and steal that grin from Lukey's lips, hidden under the shadows of the canopies swaying above their heads. But there's people around. And Pangi isn't ready for that kind of leap.
He has to wait and wait patiently until they're safely, comfortably alone in his home. In their bubble. But Lukey's ethereal, framed by the window of their train, he glows in golden sunlight and Pangi finds himself letting his hand slide over to Lukey's between their seats, linking their fingers. Lukey can't stop smiling once their hands clasp together, and he turns his head to hide the pink glow of his cheeks.
Their hands stay linked as they exit the train, and as they walk all the way down to Pangi's house, talking about nothing and anything. The sun is setting on the horizon and the sky fades from a bright orange to a dull purple when they arrive to Pangi's. They enter, and Pangi finally drops Lukey's hand in the entrance to pull his suit jacket off. He throws it on the back of a chair nearby and goes to loosen his tie.
Lukey stares at him and clicks his tongue. "Don't you dare. My clothes will get wrinkled."
Pangi drops his undone tie with the jacket and stalks closer to Lukey, grabbing him by the lapels of his coat and helping him out of it. Lukey watches him curiously but let's Pangi slide his jacket down his arms. He only shivers lightly under his touch, further encouraging Pangi. He blindly throws Lukey's jacket behind them and leans in, terrifyingly close.
Kissing Lukey for the first time is like plunging into deep water for the first time, only hopeful on the idea that swimming is a natural human instinct. Well, kissing Lukey is scary, but it also feels just as natural and instinctive. Lukey's lips are a little cold from the walk over, but they're soft, slightly sweet, and they quickly go warm from Pangi's own body heat. Lukey's hands shake up his arms, making their way to Pangi's shoulder and gripping his shirt like he's afraid of floating away. Of being taken by the tide. He hums against his mouth before pulling back in a gasp.
"Wh- Pangi, what is this about? What are you…" Lukey nervously giggles, stepping back a little. Pangi holds him by the waist, unwilling to let go of him.
"I wanted to… I just wanted to do that. Is that okay?"
Lukey stares at him, incredulous. "I- yeah, but… Pangi, last time, you told me you wanted to- to be platonic. Is this what you think platonic is?"
Pangi rolls his eyes. "No, lukey. I'm not stupid."
"So. What is this, an experiment?"
"No!" Pangi assures him quickly, squeezing the dip of his waist. "No, Lucas I just, want you."
Lukey looks up at him in a long moment of silence, observing and silently studying him. "What happened to being straight?"
Pangi huffs and loses patience in one go, leaning back in and tentatively capturing Lukey's mouth, letting their bodies collide. It's strange, to want a man this badly, in such intimate fashion. Whereas he had always imagined himself pressed up like this against a woman, soft and warm. What he gets is Lucas, with his intoxicating passion fruit cologne, the curve of his defined waist and the flavor of his mouth that Pangi is slowly getting addicted to.
He backs them up into the couch clumsily and Lukey let's himself fall backwards, dragging Pangi down with him. They don't stop kissing for a moment even as they fall into the couch and start giggling against the other's lips. It's messy, and their position's kinda uncomfortable, but Pangi wouldn't change anything for the world.
"You happened, you dick."
Lukey giggles uncontrollably, nuzzling his nose up into him. His pupils are blown and his face is pink and Pangi wants him in every way he could want. "What?"
"You happened to make me not straight"
"Pangi!" Lukey shouts happily, suddenly alert. "Was I your gay awakening? Did I- Did I turn you gay?!"
Pangi blindly reaches for a throw pillow near them and pushes it into Lukey's face, making the man squeak and wiggle weakly under him.
"You're so stupid."
"Hey!" He exclaims, finally throwing the pillow away and out of Pangi's reach.
"You're not my gay awakening. That's so stupid. You're my Soulmate."
Lukey stops suddenly and stares up at him, his laugh finally fading out, his grin softening into something too emotional to truly be called a smile. But he's happy. Ecstatic even. So much so that his eyes go a little humid. "That's so corny, dude…"