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Home is where the heart is, so they say. Then what about Kagome, who had two homes, separated across time?
Never to return to one.
She made a choice, all those years ago. And she doesn’t regret it. Kagome built her own little home and family among her friends, who battled and risked their lives.
But she never stops missing home, especially as time passes.
How were they doing now? Was grandpa still doing well? Were the stairs to the temple too much for him now? Their doctor was always concerned about him. That time the Noh mask attacked, possessed by the jewel, still remains fresh in her mind.
And how was Souta? Was her little brother now a confident young man or still the same old crybaby? She didn’t worry about her mother; she was strong. Kagome knew that if they ever met again, it would be Kagome crying into her arms, a child once again, when seeing her mother.
She always tries to stop that train of thought. It doesn’t go anywhere. These are answers she will never have. Just as they will never know how she is doing here, centuries in the past.
And she is so happy, so much. It’s still pretty incredible to be living in the feudal era, married to her soulmate, and getting to spend every day with Inuyasha. Even after years, they’re still as in love as they were as teenagers. Just as passionate too, both affectionately and in their fights. They both decide they quite like their banter, and something just doesn’t feel right if one is too calm.
Living right next to Kaede-obaasan, Sango, Miroku and their children (they were aiming for six now!) and even Rin, with the occasional visit from Sesshoumaru and Jakken. It was everything she dreamed and wished she could have had during her high school years.
Those three long years had been the most difficult in her life. Kagome felt separated from everything that mattered, even if her family tried their best to cheer her up. Something was always missing.
What she didn’t expect was to feel the same here, even in the feudal era.
And let it be said that feudal times are not easy at all. Sure, when she’s feeling tired and dirty from a particularly rough day of fighting youkais, she absolutely misses her warm bath and hairdryer. But those were small, simple longings.
Missing her family is always there, under the surface. But she focuses on her tasks for the day or her time with Inuyasha, or her lessons with Jinenji and Kaede.
At the weirdest times, those feelings of longing strike. Picking up the radish for tonight’s dinner makes her remember how Souta would complain about the taste and smell, such a kid. A sake that Miroku brought to their joint family dinners immediately brought her grandfather to mind; it was the exact type of old sake he would go crazy for. A moment when she’s talking to Sango about childrearing while they sharpen their weapons, and Kagome isn’t sure what she can say, having no children herself (yet, she keeps hoping it will change). And she wishes her mother were there to give advice. She always gave the best advice, even if it could be quite cryptic.
So many things her mother had said years ago only now started to make sense. On how important it was to swim, learning how to take care of wounds, cook and clean for herself, how to deal with insensitive men — maybe her father had been like that, Kagome wonders — and knowing how to sense when someone needed help. Maybe her mother also had a bit of power, knowing beforehand so much of what Kagome would need in the future. In another time. She even picked the right name. That was all her mother and her own intuition, Kagome was sure. Not the jewel.
But Kagome could never admit out loud because she couldn’t bear the look they would give her — the one Inuyasha would give her. He still felt guilty that she was here, that she chose to be here. Even if he was so happy with her, he knew very well what she gave up.
He loved her family just as much.
And Kagome mourned not only her lost time with them, but Inuyasha’s too. He was the big brother Souta always dreamed of and they’d been so close. Her mother told her she loved her son-in-law many times, to Kagome’s biggest embarrassment. Even her grandfather, who complained about everything and feared his precious granddaughter going away to marry, really liked Inuyasha. But Kagome still ended up going away to get married.
How she missed everything.
She realized how easy she had it. Her family was so warm, so loving. They didn’t have a father, but they were just as whole. Kagome wondered if she’d loved them enough and given them enough attention. She probably didn’t, always being occupied with other things and not bothering with ‘temple stuff’ from her grandpa or ‘kiddie stuff’ from her brother. Guilt consumed her when she thought about it for too long. Of how much she could’ve done, showed them how much she loved them.
Ghosts or youkai haunting didn’t scare her. But her memories and guilt did.
She felt like such a spoiled princess, missing electricity, quick food from the convenience store, trains, and a good bath… and her guilt worsens.
It’s another normal night as she and Inuyasha have dinner. This time, by themselves. It’s one of the rarer nights when they’re both alone, since Miroku and Sango took their children to visit the abandoned youkai exterminator’s village, Shippo is off on his training, and Rin is visiting Sesshoumaru’s castle.
Her mind is too occupied thinking back on home (her first home, as this was home too-)
“Y’know that ninja food from your time?” Inuyasha asks out of the blue. “I miss it.”
Kagome almost drops her bowl. He is quick and holds it with a firm hand, a claw gently grazing her skin and she shivers a bit.
Looking at his golden eyes, she sees that the question isn’t to be forgotten. He mentioned it nonchalantly, but his eyes betray how serious he feels. They always showed his deepest emotions, even when his mouth was traitorous. Kagome can’t ever gaze away when she looks too closely at them. She’s never known anyone who feels as intensely as him.
And time changed Inuyasha too. That annoying, insensitive teen grew up to be a caring, if still slightly brutish, man.
He can read her much better than before. She’s at a loss for what to say.
She tries to think what would sound natural and not obviously longing. She starts small, with something that doesn’t matter that much (except it does).
“I miss taking baths.” She takes a pause to breathe in and out, trying to formulate her next words carefully. “I know it sounds silly, but it was part of our daily routine, coming back from school and seeing my family…”
She said too much. The silence gets awkward — for her, at least.
Inuyasha looks as calm as he did before.
Their meal lies forgotten.
“Don’t be stupid, Kagome. It’s not silly.” He scoffs, crossing his arms and resting against the wall. “I took a bath there too and it was… weird, but also interesting. Too hot though.”
She laughs at that. Only Inuyasha would describe a modern bathtub like that. She knew he liked it well enough. Souta told her all about it. And about how strong and tough-looking big bro was, which… was not a fitting memory for this moment, she decided. But the Kagome back then had been only too happy (and proud) to hear praises about Inuyasha. She still loved hearing them and was glad to see him being recognized and liked more in the village and nearby areas.
“What else do you miss?” Inuyasha asks softly, in the quiet of their hut.
‘Nothing much,’ is what she wants to say. But she can’t. Kagome chokes up and she can’t believe she’s crying.
What happened to all her control? She can’t even understand herself. Why is she so upset about the past when she’s surrounded by the love of her life and her dear friends? How dare she?
“Kagome.” His voice was strong and clear as he rushed to hug her.
She couldn’t hold it in anymore. Holding onto him like her life depended on it (just like she did so many times during Narak’s days), she just cried into his sleeve.
Gently as always, Inuyasha stroked her hair and let her cry out. He gives her time and slowly, her hiccups turn into small sobs. She still keeps holding him just as tightly. His hands never stop caressing her hair and her now wet cheek.
“I miss that stuff too.”
Too.
Kagome looks up and sees his golden eyes reflecting the low fire from their now forgotten dinner. Inuyasha is never one to cry in front of anyone. But tonight, at this very moment, she swears she sees the light of tears in his eyes. She’d never mention it, though; she knows he has his pride.
He missed it too…
She feels so relieved at that. So seen. It wasn’t just her!
It felt somehow okay to admit to how much she missed them, once Inuyasha did it first. Because she wasn’t saying she preferred one over the other. How could she even? And her guilt evaporated, just like that.
But right after that relief, soon after came anger.
Too?
How could he miss her world as much as her? That was crazy! He didn’t even know how anything worked there, always breaking stuff and having her deal with the (usual financial) consequences! His family wasn’t on the other side of the well, centuries in the future!
‘His family was dead save his reformed brother’, her mind supplied.
But an angry Kagome isn’t one to deal with logic — not right away, at least.
The gall he had! To say he missed it just as much! Isn’t that what he meant? Surely it was!
This was insane; she was getting angry out of nowhere. She just wanted to let him have it, the cheek of her husband!
‘Go on!’ His eyes challenged hers, knowing full well how angry she was.
That’s it.
Kagome raises her head until they’re face to face and starts almost shouting at him.
“You miss it?? It’s not even your world! You don’t have any idea how things worked! You wouldn’t last a day there and you know it!” She is going off; nothing can stop her.
He scoffs, still challenging her. “Come on, your world is super easy! There ain’t almost anything dangerous there. That fire and the robber are nothing compared to youkai and you know it!” He repeats even her taunt.
Kagome just can’t stop. “I can’t take a bath here without feeling awful! The river is always freezing and there’s NO privacy! My hair is always sticky and to eat anything here you gotta work so much! There’s no instant food, no microwave, no nothing! Some days I’m so tired at night, I don’t have the energy to even think about cooking!”
Which is why Sango and Miroku always invited them to their home. Or Inuyasha suggested (more like pushed everyone) to eat together.
And Inuyasha was always on the lookout while she took a bath, so no perverts (Miroku included) would survive attempting to peek. She knew he even asked Jinenji for good herbs for human skin and hair.
That’s when it struck her. Everything she said, all those stupid complaints, he already knew.
He knew how homesick she got and how she pretended to hide it.
Damn him for that.
With no more energy to argue, Kagome just slumped and rested her head on his arm. He half hugged her with one arm while the other lifted her face. His eyes were the same as before, so intense. With no anger at all, just… acceptance.
He wished he could do something. She wished there was a fix to this situation.
How easy it would’ve been to just jump into the well and pop back home. But even if she daydreamed about that a lot, she would never risk it. On the off chance she couldn’t come back here, to her current home, it would be unbearable.
“Inuyasha…” She whispers softly to him as he cleans her tears. “I’m sorry…”
“For what?” He’s so confused that he stops his cares, which makes her whine.
“Everything… for feeling like this… and not telling you.” It’s so much more difficult when she has to admit her wrongs.
Kagome will take it easier on him when she next demands that he say how he’s feeling. This is all really difficult and really embarrassing, even if they’re a married couple now.
Neither of them likes to admit weakness.
“Tch, there’s nothing to apologize for.” He scoffs and cradles her face. “Don’t be stupid.”
Incredible how even this can sound romantic coming from him. Or maybe it’s just Kagome and she’s too in love to care. She knows he is trying to be caring, in his own awkward way.
She moves in for a kiss, but he moves back. There’s still more to say.
“Any time you feel like that… you tell me, ‘kay? I can’t really do anything, but it sucks seeing you get so quiet and so sad. Just… tell me. Make me sit or whatever.”
It’s been such a long time since she last used the command. It felt even a bit nostalgic. She couldn’t help but laugh.
Guess Inuyasha didn’t change that much — he still got awkward and worried about how he was perceived in seconds.
“W- why are you laughing?” He asked, just lost. “Kagome?” Even in his voice, the pout was noticeable.
She was now laughing fully, throwing her head back.
Inuyasha was visibly upset at being left out of the joke (or thinking he was the joke), so she attempted to say between laughing and gulping for breath: “I- it’s just, ha ha, you hate that! And it’s been forever!” She breathes in, trying to calm down. It was one of those annoying laughter fits now.
Kagome rested one hand on his cheek, turning to him.
“Thank you. It’s so sweet of you to suggest that.” She smiled. “Just to make me happy.”
Embarrassed, he turned his eyes away, blushing so much she could see even in the low light. But he didn’t turn his face away.
She realized soon after living together that he was (unsurprisingly) touch starved, so he never rejected any affection she gave him. It was as heartwarming as it was sad.
“That’s nothing. Your little spell doesn’t even hurt.”
They both knew that wasn’t true but Kagome chose not to comment on it. At a different time or a different day, it’d have been a fun banter starter. It was like they couldn’t go a day without bantering — and maybe they couldn’t. It wouldn’t be as fun.
Right now though, she just wanted to stay by his side and rest.
Giving him a light kiss, she stared at his eyes.
“Thank you. Help me miss home less?” She asked quietly, softly.
The answer was obvious and always the same. His eyes shone.
“You didn’t even need to ask.”
Except both knew quite well she did. Inuyasha still would never initiate anything without her crystal clear consent. It was as sweet as it was annoying at times.
She closed the gap and kissed him, knowing it would never be enough.
To say that her homesickness stopped after that would be a fantasy. It’s impossible to not miss a place that had been home (for her whole life then) and especially as her family was there. They would always be there, in the future, in the impossibly distant time she could never reach anymore.
There wouldn’t be a week gone by in which Kagome didn’t wonder how her brother, mother and grandpa were doing. Were they healthy? Were they happy?
She knew they missed her just as much. That was never a question.
Her mind was nowaday filled with the distant worry of not being able to see how her family was doing.
It was the very opposite of those long, so long three years of high school. Back then, she wondered about the people here: How was Shippo? Did he grow up a little bit since then (even though youkai age ever so slowly? What about Miroku-sama and Sango-chan, were they healthy and happy? Married, so she hoped dearly.
Those days, Kagome worried if wise old Kaede had passed away while she was not there — now, those worries are about her own grandfather. Idly, she even wondered how Rin-chan, Jakken and Sesshoumaru were doing. She was less worried about them, knowing the daiyoukai would find a way to protect them. Just as Inuyasha did with their own family (pack, he called them). Still, the wounds from their last fight had been extremely serious. She couldn’t even concentrate in her biology exams, always wondering if the monk was still poisoned, if he lost the use of his arm completely; if her best friend was alright after inhaling so much poison inside that mockery of a spider (a mockery of everything is what Naraku had been: of a human being, of a youkai, of something worthwhile — at the very least, he’d known it as well as she did).
Worrying about someone you loved deeply would never stop. It was as impossible as breathing. Caring for someone meant they were always inside your heart, your mind.
And as difficult as it was to love someone she could never meet again, Kagome was thankful for having had such a wonderful, warm family. She knew she was one of the lucky ones — especially considering how life was in these times.
She chose to go back to the feudal era and be with the people she loved here. It would never be an easy choice. Choosing just one world, one place in time, was cruel. But it had been the right one, of that she knew.
The Kagome that didn’t jump into the well that day, that very second, that hesitated between worlds is a version of herself she doesn’t even want to think about. It’s even more painful than wondering about her family back home… her first home.
She is lucky enough to have not one, but two wonderful homes. To be surrounded by people she loves dearly in both worlds.
Her solution, if one can call it that, was an idea by both Kaede and Jinenji, at different points in time. Thinking of your loved ones and praying for them. It seems obvious and even a bit silly. But praying in this era seems different; feels like something more profound, even if it is the same action. Jinenji teaches her his own tradition, using his favorite herbs as incense (incidentally, the best aroma in her life) and keeping her grave clean. Kaede does the same for her sister, gone too soon, and in full Shinto tradition. As her successor, Kagome learns every little detail so the tradition doesn’t die out — and how her grandfather would have loved that. She makes sure to always pray for him in full Shinto fashion and with regalia; it’s the least he deserves. For Souta, she likes to apply Miroku-sama’s style, following Buddhist tradition but with his own flavor — praying her little brother will find much love and happiness with his future family.
Every time she thinks of her family back at her time, she prays now. It is not a ritual or a chore. She sends a little wish of happiness, health and love their way — wherever (more aptly, whenever they are. Hoping this is a wonderful day for them, that maybe something small but lovely happened; that something made them think of her.
And every time she does that, she feels a little less lonely.
Kagome doesn’t regret her choice. She would always have to choose between worlds, which becomes clear the more she learns, prays and meditates.
She’s made the right choice; she is sure of it.
As she hugs darling Shippo as he returns from his training, proudly showing his new rank to her (her youkai little brother); babysits Sango and Miroku’s children while guaranteeing some friends adult times in a quarternight; teaching Rin all that she’s learned about dealing with very stubborn inu youkais (and learning from her just as much, impressed by the girl’s observational skills and patience); pickings hers with Jinenji; learning with Kaede-sama; annoying her brother-in-law when he visits… and she is especially sure when she sees her husband.
Inuyasha, once the most annoying person she’s ever met — and he proudly called her a ‘bane of his existence’ back then — showed her a new type of love. Made her believe (no, know) soulmates existed. He risked everything for her, and so she did. Meeting him had changed her life forever. As she holds his hand and smiles up at him, she knows.
This is where she is supposed to be. Her new home.
Kagome would never forget her first home and family, forever dear in her heart, but she wouldn’t let the past dictate her future. She was here and now with her new family in the feudal era.
Looking up at the sky, she sends a little prayer to the future. At Shippo’s insistent calling as he’s once again treated as a toy by the little exorcists in training, Kagome smiles happily.
‘Thank you for everything, mother, Souta, and grandpa. I hope you’re well and today was a wonderful day.’
Unbeknownst to her, they think of her and wish the same.