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It's another normal day in the chaos of what is New York, it's nice Will likes to think. It feels good to leave the small suffocating town called Hawkins, able to expand his lungs fully in New York. Doesn't need to worry about bumping into the same people everyday, the bustling city moves with or without him– it's alleviating.
Mike's out in a meeting for his book, so Will is walking around town window shopping, looking, and perhaps maybe spending some money on little trinkets for him and Mike. It's a nice cold day, nothing too harsh for Will sensitivity but a long sleeve and jacket over would suffice in this type of weather.
He walks into a building that catches his attention, itching to see what clothes he can buy for Mike. Look, as much as Will loves him, Mike's proclivity to wear the same clothing is strong. He also just wants to spoil him a bit, get him a small gift like Mike always does for him. It's funny to think about– Mike's extreme nature to pamper Will, regularly buying him gifts whenever he leaves the house.
So, there Will is looking at the racks of clothes hanging off the shelves finding anything that would peak his interest but also please his boyfriend, though anything Will picks Mike would be over the moon. He's shuffling through the sweaters as it’s Mike’s go to, within searching Will finds this a dark maroon color one, it has thick navy blue strips, perfect. He takes it off the hanger and neatly folds it over his arm, walking around the store to find other treasures.
Will is doing circles around the store, none of the various racks of clothing tickle his brain till he stops where the women's section is, eyes wandering all over the cute colored fabrics making his fingers twitch. He knows he's allowed to look but his body stiffens– it's more than just looking, he so badly desires to wear all those lovely items, it's wrong. Something in Will aches, his heart begins to slow down and sharp needles pick at his skin, it's just the women section.
It's normal for any dude to go in there to find things for their girlfriend, sister, or even mom. The thing is it's not for any of those options. It's for Will, a boy, a man, not for somebody of his gender, it hurts.
Will swallows hard thinking maybe the thoughts would also go down with the gulp. Legs stuck in place yet he indulges in the desire, stepping into the area cautiously, like if he's a kid sneaking out the house at ungodly hours. Anxiety builds in his guts, it's excruciating, scenarios building in his head like if he gets spotted here he'll be yelled at and humiliated.
He knows all these thoughts are unreasonable, but growing up being bullied for simply being– it really did a number on him. Still, Will is scuttling around ogling at every garment he passes.
Every piece of clothing makes his heart skip a beat. Everything about women's clothes speaks to him, feels innate like he blends right in. Will finds himself back in the sweaters, the meek voice in his mind telling him to go find a matching sweater like Mike's. It's silly but Will is blushing so hard the tips of his ear burn radiating heat. He's rummaging through all the beautiful sweaters, hands clammy prickling with static, shaking with each hanger he pushes to the side. Then he stops at a sweater that has an identical color scheme and pattern like the one he chose for Mike.
“I love it” Will says under his breath just for him to hear. Fingers tracing the lines, eyes analyzing every inch of fabric. Caressing it like it's precious, he wants it, no, he needs it. His mind is doing laps of tangents on why he should buy it– how it's not even that feminine despite it being from the women's section and having a prominent v neck line.
It takes him a moment to take it off the hanger, realizing he's never bought himself anything feminine, not outwardly– or anything matter of fact. Even though all his clothes are for men Will makes them look soft, like anything he wears magically appears dainty on him. Will knew well enough how he didn't fit into the "masculine" stereotype at quite a young age.
His no good dead beat father would throw slurs and insults his entire childhood, pointing out Will's shy demeanor and soft spoken nature. In other words he was a disgrace. Even after his father left for good he didn't escape the scrutiny, kids in school calling him queer, gay, fairy, fag, and anything under the sun. Boys in his class called him a girl, pointing out how Will would speak, sit, eat and everything in between. It's like whatever Will did somehow managed to be picked apart and slapped back into his face with mockery. So yeah, Will recognizes that he didn't conform into the macho man people wanted him to be, he couldn't, it wasn't and never will be him.
It's quite scary though— Will didn't get to explore this side of himself, ever, not even in the comfort of his room back in Hawkins, it was too risky. Always felt like he was being surveilled at all times and with the mindflare it threw him into extreme paranoia.
He remembers the first time he tried to traverse his femininity, it was with Jonathan. They were in Will's room talking about random things as they usually do and for some unknown reason the conversation ventured into wardrobe and the unique style each of their friends had. Lucas becoming more sporty yet keeping the snappy sweet nerd appearance, Dustin leaving that edgy look and going for a dapper approach, Mike well being Mike, Max having this tomboy aura yet still carrying her beauty with grace, and Jane finally expressing her bright ditzy nature. Of course Jonathan brought up Nancy and how beautifully she always seemed to dress. It made Will's heart dance, he wished to be like her, confident in her skin.
Will's lip twitched with anxiety of wanting to ask something but terrified of the outcome, though he reminded himself this is big brother, loving overprotective Jonathan, he could tell him anything and Jon would have his back— so he goes for it. Asking him if Nancy ever had clothes she didn't wear or want anymore if he could have it. It came out frantic like the upside down would open up and swallow him whole for having the audacity to speak about this, but nothing happened.
Jonathan smiled fondly, eyes narrowing with love. “Of course bud” is all he said and didn't question further, he knew. Giving Will reassurement of being sure Nancy definitely has things she can spare. Her closet door is practically about to crack in half with all the clothes she owns. It was that simple, though Will's heart was pounding so hard Will was sure Jon could hear it.
Later on when Will came back home after spending time with the party, he found a gray sweater with white accents on his bed fully laid out. He had known who it was from because he'd seen Nancy with that exact sweater before and on top of the sweater was a sticky note that read To: Will, From: Jon and Nance <3. It made his heart flutter with joy and couldn't help but softly smile.
He took off the sticky note and stared at the sweater for a good bit, picking it up as he felt how soft the fabric was in his palms. The fresh smell of laundry detergent they used filling up his lungs, he was so ecstatic. In the end Will didn't wear it, the guilt struck him, fear consumed him, and the nausea was all too much. He folded it up nicely before shoving it in some random tattered box, locking it in his closet to have it outta sight and mind, like he usually did with his femininity. Not to be shown, not to be touched, not to be spoken about or acknowledged.
Now however, Will is looking at the maroon sweater he picked and walking to check out, he's queasy, the nausea building up his stomach and esophagus. He sets both sweaters down on the counter to let the cashier do their thing. Trying to calm his mind and find something else to fixate on but it was useless.
He knows no one will question, they'll assume it's for some random woman in his life, but the other sweater is clearly for a man. The indication this is for a couple, a heterosexual one, a man and women, not two men. Will is confident in his sexuality, accepted that part of himself however, being gay and and feminine? It's a new trek to battle, he's already delt with the abuse of everyone thinking he was a queer based on his characteristics. Now he indulges in dressing girly? It's like he wanted to add more fuel to the fire. It's making Will spiral.
He can’t even look the cashier in the eye. It was too real. Everything went black and he found himself outside, exhaling so hard as his vision blurred and mind went numb. Panic almost making him pass out, but he did it, survived and bought the two sweaters.
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Will returns home burning hot ready to take off the jacket and long sleeves he had worn to be out. He's been searing since he bought the sweater, almost turning back to return everything and never step foot in that area again. He's being unreasonable and erratic, it's just a sweater he'll be okay, he's fine, great actually. That still doesn't calm the never ending nerves that swirl all around his body. He goes into his room and throws the bag on the bed like holding it any longer would infect him with a virus.
He gets into something comfortable, pacing around the room chewing on his thumb, this is ridiculous, he's out of Hawkins, away from all the ridicule that followed him everywhere he went. This is New York far far away from the small fuck town he called home. He can be himself here, express himself how he wants to and not what others deemed. Why should he feel guilty for breaking down the walls he had to build up to protect himself from the never ending torment. All those nights he spent crying himself to sleep wishing to be normal, praying to any god out there to fix him, change who he is, make him a man, a real tough man.
Why does he have to conceal himself? It's been long enough now. It's time to pick at the lock and open the door to what he's been coveting since the start. He wants to be pretty, wants to be beautiful, wants to feel cute, wants to embrace his femininity and it shouldn't feel like he committed arson. Break free from the shackles of masculinity he had to hide behind. He was never meant to be this virile mainly guy — Will is shy and quiet, was creative in silence and simplicity. Was forgiving and understanding, quick to reason with and easy to let things slide. Don't get him wrong though, just because he's kind doesn't mean he is to be stepped all over.
He shouldn’t be filled with shame for simply being himself, Fuck it. Will walks up the bed where the bag lays and takes both sweaters out, putting Mike’s on their nightstand and looks at his. It's real, he genuinely did buy it, fingers crinkling the fabric with a tight hold, throat closing up.
Will starts to move to the full body mirror hanging off their closet and pulls the sweater up to his chest to see how the sweater would look on him, the pang his ribs grow. Again battling the demons that consume his mind, he's in his room where it's safe, can just throw the sweater away and pretend nothing happened like he did in Hawkins. Can just give up on this whole fiasco he's been creating and keep these emotions bottled up.
No, this is not an option anymore, he's sick of tiptoeing around his femininity— is going to prove everyone wrong and reclaim himself. Will huffs out and turns his back to the mirror as if not seeing his reflection would minimize the anxiety. He takes off his loose shirt replacing it with the beautiful marron blue striped sweater. It’s so soft on his skin, feeling it engulf every inch of his arm as puts it on. Pulling it all the way down his torso, the sensation of clouds dancing around him encasing him whole. Will holds himself slightly, rocking back and forth to ease his nerves, takes another deep breath and turns around to face the mirror.
His breath hitches.
He's captivated by how good it looks on him, it fits perfectly onto his body hugging him in all the right places, he's pretty. Taking his hand and caressing the v neckline that's showing off his collar bones and part of his chest, eyes welling up with tears. This feels so natural to him, comforting, chest aching and beating so hard it’s going to crack open his sternum. It's too intense and he loves it, vision becoming blurry as the tears run down his cheeks. He's joyous, content, oozing with confidence admiring how beautiful he looks right now. Finally able to dabble into his femininity. Style himself in ways that he couldn't or wasn't allowed to back in Hawkins. The closet that was full of locks and chains now withering away.
Wiping the tears off his face, a smile now emerging as he examines himself, the sensation of freedom washing away every turbulent thought. Outta nowhere without second thought, he does a tiny spin– he’s giggling, what he did was stupid, but he doesn't care. He's high off the serotonin. He squeaks with happiness and doesn't know what to do with himself other than blush and hide away in his hands.
This is what he craved for since childhood. Wished to dress how he wanted and now got the chance to do it, Will is elated. He does cute silly poses in the mirror feeling the burn of embarrassment all over his skin yet can't stop, it’s fun, it's liberating. After a few minutes of that he goes to bed and lays on his stomach, feet in the air kicking around like a school girl who finally got to take to their crush. Has his sketchbook out doodling whatever is bubbling in his mind. Will has never felt more alive than now smiling so hard his cheeks are becoming sore. This is the life he dreamed of.
He flops on his back staring at the ceiling, sitting with all the exploding emotions he's been dealing with. Giggling once again hands on his cheek, their sizzling. Mike would like this when he gets back, and of course Mike would like it, more than like, adore how gorgeous Will looks– how soft and delicate he always seems to be.
Will is exhilarated, regaining the pride for his effeminate nature and swimming in the buzz it gives him to be beautiful and elegant. It's a daunting journey but the way his stomach twists with butterflies, heart jumps in his throat and brain fogging with euphoria it's all worth it. He's radiant, tears falling down the side of his face out of pure joy.
Will is now thinking of going back to the store to pick out more items, maybe this time with Mike at his side.