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The reunion was first unexpected. Sakura would only ever dream about it before once again standing with Chaewon on the same stage. The numbers that stretched between them had been reduced to a single digit. Therefore, it was only natural for them to be closer to each other.
She remembered the last time they said their goodbyes, Chaewon was crying. Sakura didn't recall them being that close to her before. Her Korean was limited, and she could barely get her point across every time she wanted to speak her mind as freely as everyone around her.
She also remembered how Chaewon sometimes reached out to her back then, despite the tall barrier, telling her stuff (mostly her worries she deemed silly) or asking for advice. Sakura had always thought that what she said back then could never convey what she actually had in mind. God, she had so many things to say to her, to comfort her, to give her the best advice she could come up with. And yet, it always fell flat.
It was frustrating. It was even more upsetting to see her smile every time, despite her lame responses. Sakura had always thought back then that she was just being nice to her. At one point, she thought Chaewon only needed a listener, and she was the best choice.
Regardless, Sakura would rather still have her come over and tell her all those things. She was homesick. Always had been. Strangely enough, every time Chaewon sought her out, she felt less miserable about missing home. The girl reminded her of her younger sibling. And the more Chaewon confided in her, the more Sakura desired to dig a burrow inside her and nest there as if it were home.
She thought, Chaewon was the cure to her homesickness.
Once you tasted the high of being needed, of being deemed important, it was difficult to get away from it. Sakura craved to be needed by Chaewon. She would even go as far as to tie her shoelaces or peel her oranges every day if she asked her to.
And she was prepared now. She was getting better at learning her language, the pragmatism of words and phrases she used to be so clueless about. She was giddy about this reunion. It sounded wrong, but she couldn't wait for Chaewon to be in trouble. Therefore, she could hear Chaewon venting to her again.
It had been three months since their debut. Their schedules were packed with being on stage, being guests on some reality shows, doing ads, doing other gigs, and so on. It was exhausting, but she missed this kind of hustle. She found it far more entertaining than doing nothing, so she had no complaints.
Maybe.
Nevermind. She actually had something to complain about.
Chaewon hadn't approached her as she used to in their old group. She understood that it took time to warm up again after parting ways without the knowledge of meeting once more, sharing the same dream and future in the glimmering stage.
And there was no impression of Chaewon avoiding her. The first time they met again, she was genuinely relieved to see her. She still remembered the mirth in the gleam of her eyes as she ran towards her and pulled her into a warm hug. She was still the same Chaewon she knew.
She could only assume that she felt more mature now to be able to handle things on her own. Even though that idea didn't make Sakura feel better, which made her spiral even more, because then she felt like a bad guy for not cheering on her growth.
“Eonnie, you’ve been staring into that wall like you want to punch a hole in it.”
Sakura raised her head towards the voice. She let out a strained chuckle. “That makes me sound intimidating.”
Chaewon took a seat next to her. Her hand was holding a cup filled with strawberries. She handed the cup towards her. “You can be when you put your mind into it.”
Sakura took one while scooting over slightly. She replied, “Is that a compliment, I hear? Oh, I’m so at ease to know I have such a kind leader like you.”
Chaewon rolled her eyes and elbowed Sakura’s side.
“Stop it…” She whined. Chaewon took a big bite out of the strawberry.
Sakura lounged on the couch after laughing at her. Chaewon's presence made her feel at ease again. She wondered if this time Chaewon would finally confide in her now that they were alone. Her heart was thrumming with anticipation. Her lips were trembling from holding back her smile.
“It still feels like a dream, huh?” Sakura started.
Chaewon swallowed the fruit and then slowly nodded. Sakura saw the soft flicker of mirth and pride play in her eyes. She knew this debut meant so much for Chaewon as much as it did for her.
“How are you feeling? Being the leader and all that.”
Chaewon hummed. She relaxed on the couch, her head brushing lightly against Sakura's shoulder. “I’m still a bit nervous about whether I’ll do well…”
“You will,” Sakura said quickly. Flustered, she cleared her throat and spoke more slowly, “I trust that you’ll do more than just ‘well’, you'll be amazing.”
Chaewon snorted. There was a twinkle in her eyes when she glanced at her. “Eonnie, you're getting so good with Korean.”
Sakura smiled sheepishly. “I have to, you know?”
Chaewon took one strawberry and fed it to her. Sakura couldn't really refuse her—she didn't want to—and opened her mouth. Little moments like this made her feel a lot closer to her than before.
“And it puts me at ease that Eonnie is here with me. Part of the reason why I feel confident enough that I won't mess it up.” Chaewon looked up at her and flashed a grin.
Sakura softened.
“Just like old times, I also would love to be the person you can reach out to and tell your worries to.”
Her grin faltered at that. It was subtle, but Sakura caught it. It was hard not to at this distance. Especially when Chaewon suddenly sat up straight and looked a little awkward.
Sakura was about to ask what happened, but Chaewon had already gotten up from the seat. “It's late, Eonnie. I’ll turn in first. Please, don't stay up late.”
“...Yeah, okay…”
Chaewon smiled, “Good night, Eonnie.”
Quieter, Sakura replied, “...Mhm. Good night.”
So, in the end, Sakura wasn't really imagining it. Chaewon did stop reaching out to her—consciously. Feeling bummed out was an understatement. Sakura was miserable. She had already come up with different reasons in her head, but none of them would matter unless the girl confirmed it herself. But Sakura didn't know how to bring it up and not make it awkward.
Even if she did bring it up, there was also a chance Chaewon would evade it.
Maybe someone else in their group did a better job than she ever could to ease Chaewon's mind. While it did make her feel a little envious, Sakura also felt relieved that their new groupmates were no less kind and amazing.
As long as Chaewon was smiling, she could settle with whatever it was.
However, the answer came sooner than Sakura expected.
One night, she had already tucked herself into bed and was already one step away from the dream world when Chaewon burst into her room and sat down on the edge of her bed. She didn't say anything, just letting the mattress dip under her weight. She had a serious look on her face that sobered Sakura up pretty quickly.
Sakura rubbed her eyes and propped herself with her elbows. “What is it…?”
“Need to talk.”
“Okay…” Sakura said, as if she would ever refuse her. She sat up, crawling over to Chaewon’s side. “I’m listening. You can start whenever you're ready.”
Chaewon pulled her hand and squeezed it within her own. “Eonnie, I wanna apologise for the other day.”
Sakura snorted, half-sleepy and half-exhausted. “I’m afraid I’ll need more context, Chaewon-ah.”
Chaewon took a deep breath before she said, “That day when I ran away from you after you said I could rely on you like old times.”
“Uh-huh…” Sakura didn't think she should apologise for it. But now she was intrigued by where this would be going.
“I…” She pressed her lips together. Sensing Chaewon's dilemma, Sakura rubbed the back of her hand with her thumb, making a slow, soothing circle.
Sakura could feel the tension slowly waning from the way her shoulders sagged. After several beats, Chaewon finally spoke again, “I tried. I tried holding myself back from relying on you. And you must be thinking that it's so weird that I hold back when we're closer than we were before…”
Sakura shrugged, “Well, technically…”
Chaewon pursed her lips. Sakura grinned apologetically.
“Is there any reason? I’ve assumed you may not find my advice or words of comfort reliable…” Sakura wondered.
Chaewon shook her head strongly.
“So…?”
Chaewon drew her breath then held it. Her lips parted as if the words were already on its way to unraveling, but nothing came out but a huff of fragile frustration. Her brows knitted and then eased, hovering frantically between restraint and urgency.
Sakura kept her gaze on Chaewon. Her patience was flexible, like a safety net ready to catch her when she decided to fall.
Finally, she did.
“I said that we aren't as close as we are now. But, I guess, we both know that wasn't true. We're already that close back then, too.” Chaewon started. She glanced at the older girl with a sort of anticipating look, wanting the confirmation that it wasn't one-sided.
Sakura nodded.
Chaewon continued after nervously licking her lips as if wanting to sweep half of the intensity that might come with the confession.
“It's still vivid to me… the last time we said goodbye. I don't have the confidence to think we would be in the same group again if we, somehow, had another chance to debut.”
Chaewon lowered her gaze to their holding hands. Her thumb absentmindedly brushed against her knuckles. She continued, “I guess I’m afraid of having another goodbye with you, Eonnie. With the possibility of us getting even closer… which we will naturally. Because I feel so happy and at ease to be around you, and nothing can ever change that.”
Sakura blinked at her. After a small pause, she couldn't help but let out a snort. Her hand shot out and ruffled Chaewon's cute bob, making her yelp in protest.
“Eonnie!”
“I can't believe that's what you've been thinking about ever since our second debut together…” Sakura shook her head incredulously, “Are you sure this is what a leader should even think about? Imagining an ending when we barely started?”
Chaewon whined. Sakura laughed at her and then pulled her between her arms. Chaewon barely fought back with her feeble attempt at wriggling. She ended up burying her face on Sakura’s shoulder.
“Aww, little Ssammu...” Sakura cooed with a playful tone, “You're still as cute as ever.”
Chaewon only let out a muffled grumble. Sakura caressed her back, and with a more gentle tone, she said, “I don't blame you. I don't think I’m gonna be okay if I have to say goodbye once again to you.”
Sakura could feel her fingers tighten on the back of her shirt. She calmed her with a soothing caress along her spine.
“I just think it's such a waste to learn Korean diligently without being given the chance to say something that could put my Chaewon at ease.”
Chaewon snorted at that. She finally lifted her head, “You learned Korean because it's important to our job, Eonnie.”
Sakura rolled her eyes. “That's just details. I’m mainly motivated knowing I will be able to talk to you again.”
She shrugged, putting up a sad face. “But, apparently, I’m no longer needed. The other girls are probably more relatable than me, right?”
Chaewon pursed her lips like she was mad that Sakura was thinking that. But Sakura also caught a flicker of guilt in her eyes.
“It's not like that… I don't confide in them as I did with you. I just… Well, I tried. But, I can't. I need you. Your weird advice and odd ways to comfort me work better.”
“Is that so? Aren't you just trying to win my heart back with flattery?”
Sakura admitted she had fun with this little guilt-trip. Served her right for being so silly.
“Eonnie…”
Sakura laughed. Fine. She should stop before she makes her upset for real this time.
“I can't say for sure we won't say goodbye again. But, I can confidently say we'll be here for quite a long time. And it won't be easy.”
Sakura smiled as she made Chaewon look at her again. “Your pretty head shouldn't be burdened with a far-fetched future. Just think about where we are now. We will go from here with a blast. And you’ll have me every step of the way. Eonnie will be Eonnie for my Chaewon.”
Sakura could see that Chaewon was about to tear up, and she immediately squeezed her cheeks between her palms to distract her. It worked. Always.
Sakura knew.
Always.