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It’s not that Kate’s not having fun here.
This beach-house vacation is peaceful, and relaxing. Lying out on the sand with her family, taking the occasional dive into the ocean, playing with her sisters and making sand castles — it’s all been great. It’s not that she doesn’t like them, it’s not that she’s not happy here.
But right now, at this moment, her sisters are being just a bit too loud, and Kate wants peace. Real peace, to read her book and listen to the ocean, to feel calm out here. She tells her parents this as she stands up and takes the blanket out from under her, tucking it under her arm. “I’m just going to go find somewhere quiet. Text me if you need me,” she says, casting a pointed glance at Lynn and Marie screaming with delight down in the surf, splashing each other mercilessly.
Her father looks up at her and gives her an understanding smile and nod, and her mother’s just lying on her back and tanning, so Kate takes this as permission and starts off down the curve of the beach, looking for solitude. It’s not a crowded day; maybe it’s a little too cold for most people who actually live here, just a bit chilly. Kate’s avoided going in the water for that very reason; it’s best to just keep more clothes on today.
She finds her haven in a small clearing hemmed in by trees, passing through a slightly treacherous patch of rocks to find the soft sand within. A rainbow-colored towel hangs wrapped around a branch nearby, swaying in the breeze as she sets down her blanket and cracks open her book. And for a while, she does have peace. The world around her fades out of focus, nothing but the simple clean text in her mind, and now this really feels like vacation.
“Hey.”
Kate nearly drops her book, looking up in a panic to discover the source of the greeting.
“You’re in my spot,” the girl says, putting a hand on her hip, the other clutching her surfboard to her side. A single blue feather earring dangles from her head, twirling in the sea breeze. Saltwater runs down a tropical-printed bikini, dripping from long blonde hair.
“Oh! Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t—” Kate stammers, snapping her book shut and untangling her legs, trying to get up, but—
“Guess that means I’ll have to share,” the girl sighs dramatically, flashing a grin at her. She throws her surfboard down and plants herself right next to Kate on the blanket. Kate’s blanking. Is she actually offended? Is she just being friendly?
“I’m Rachel,” the girl offers, sticking out a hand. “Who’re you, bookworm?”
“Uh, Kate.” Kate shakes her hand tentatively, then realizes she’s gotten it all wet. She shuts her book with her free hand and lays it down beside her as Rachel falls down further, propping herself up on an elbow.
“You mind if I chill here for a minute? Don’t wanna interrupt your reading or anything.” Rachel makes a lot of eye contact. Her eyes are hazel. A nice color.
“Oh, no, it’s fine, I guess I did steal your spot,” Kate replies after clearing her throat. “That’s your towel over there, right?”
“Oh yeah, it is.” Rachel sounds like she just realized this. She gets up and unties the towel from the branch, then wraps it around herself. “Oh, man, that’s better. It’s totally freezing out there today.”
“Well, that’s why I’m reading.” Kate holds up her book with one hand.
“I can’t read,” Rachel says, sitting back down next to Kate. “Totally illiterate. I’m cursed forever to freeze my ass off in the ocean.”
Kate’s not sure how to respond to that. “Um—”
“I’m messing with you,” Rachel says, smiling. “I can totally read, but it’s like, the ocean’s right here. Not much of a book person.”
“I like reading. It’s — I know it’s boring, but—”
“Hey, no, I’m not judging or anything. People are built different. That’s why they’re interesting,” Rachel interrupts, peering down at Kate’s book. “So what you got there? Like, cheesy summer romance book or something?”
“No,” Kate says, curling her nose. “I’m not into that stuff. It’s — it’s sci-fi.”
“Ooh, didn’t expect that. My best friend’s a sci-fi nut,” Rachel says, lying on her back and looking up at the sky. “She’s always talking my ear off about like cyborgs and physics and whatever. What’s the book called?”
“It’s I, Robot. I’m just re-reading it, my dad likes that kind of old stuff. Bradbury and Clarke and all that, he read it to me when I was a kid.”
“Cool dad.” Rachel turns over and studies the book. “What’s it about?”
“Oh, it’s a bunch of short stories, it’s all robots, though.”
“What’s the one you’re reading right now?”
“Um.” Kate wipes her hand off on the blanket and reopens the book to her last page. “Reason” is on the next page, but she usually skips that one. It makes her think too much. “Well, the one I just read is about this robot on Mercury, and it’s sent out to recover this stuff...”
Rachel seems really invested in Kate’s little summary, staring at her with those hazel eyes. Kate can feel them taking her in, lingering on her cross necklace, studying her outfit. She wonders what Rachel thinks of the one-piece swimsuit that’s visible between her shirt and her shorts. She’s not sure what Rachel thinks of anything.
“Sounds cool,” Rachel says once Kate’s run out of things to say. “Definitely reminds me of some of the stuff Chloe makes me watch. She’s so into that, like, math and logic puzzle sort of stuff.” Rachel sits up and huffs. “My parents wouldn’t let her come with us on this trip. They think she’s a bad influence. I keep telling them, I’m the worst influence on myself there could ever be, but they never listen.” She flashes a brief smile at Kate before looking down at her toes under the rainbow towel. “What about you? You here on vacation too?”
“Oh, yeah. My mom’s friend has this beach house, and he’s not staying there this year, so he’s letting us stay there.”
“How come you’re not hanging out with them? Your family, I mean.”
“Oh, it’s just — my sisters were loud. I just wanted to go somewhere and be alone and read for a while.”
“Shit, my bad, I totally interrupted your zen time.” Rachel stands up.“I can find another place if you want, like, this is just my little drop-off point when I’m too cold to surf anymore.”
“No, it’s fine!” Kate insists. “You can stay, I don’t mind.”
“You sure? ‘Cuz, like, I’m gonna warn you, I don’t stop talking.”
Kate smiles. “That’s okay. I’ve read it before, anyway.” She sets down her book. Besides, she thinks to herself, What’s a beach vacation without meeting at least one new friend?
“Sweet, I didn’t really want to wander up and down looking for a new spot anyway.” Rachel doesn’t get back down on the blanket though, looking thoughtful. “You know how to surf?”
“I’ve never even been to the beach before, so...” She’s way too cool for me, Kate thinks. Maybe this won’t work out after all.
“Wanna learn? I’ll rent a board for you,” Rachel offers.
“I, um...” Well, why not? It’s summer and you’re at the beach. “Sure!” Kate says finally.
Rachel grins at her. “Can’t wait to watch you fall on your face. Come on, there’s a place just a couple minutes away. You got a swimsuit, right?”
Kate knows that Rachel knows she’s wearing a suit, but what she’s really asking is if she’s going to get out of the rest of her clothes and be cold and adventurous with her. “Oh, yeah, it’s under this stuff,” Kate replies, standing up and slipping off her sandals, then her shorts and t-shirt.
“Cute suit,” Rachel comments. “The blue works for you.”
Kate feels a blush in her cheeks despite the slight chill of the wind. “Um, thanks. So I’ll just leave this stuff here, think it’ll be safe?”
“You’ll be fine. We can stay close to here while I teach you.” Rachel grabs her board. “You’re gonna love this.”
Kate’s not sure if she loves it, but it’s plenty of fun to try something new with someone new. It takes her a while to even get used to standing on the board without falling straight into the water, and even longer before she’s comfortable riding even the little waves. Rachel’s all smiles and laughter and gentle instruction, as well as an expert at keeping Kate’s rented board from floating away. By the time the sun starts to set, Kate’s totally soaked and freezing, only mediocre at surfing, and yet she’s content. Lying on her board, watching Rachel completely in her element on the water, this feels like the real start of her vacation. It’s everything that a summer on the beach is supposed to be. Mysterious new friends, trying exciting new things. She paddles back to shore and takes Rachel’s towel, curling her knees up to her chest as she watches Rachel shoot out of a wave and come gliding in towards her.
“Not bad, rookie. We’ll make a beach babe of you yet,” Rachel says as she hikes up her board to her hip.
“I don’t really think I’m beach babe material,” Kate replies, averting her eyes.
“You just need the right instruction from a professional babe like me. Trust me.”
Kate giggles as Rachel slaps her board down in the sand and grabs for her towel. “Hey, bring your own next time!” she says as Kate fights to keep the warmth around her, playing tug-of-war in the sand versus Rachel’s insistent hands.
Just as Rachel manages to succeed (and fall flat on her butt in the sand), Kate hears a ringtone from her discarded shorts. She scrambles in the pocket and manages to pull it out, beholding a notification from her father that says they’re going out to dinner soon and to come back to the house.
“I have to go,” Kate tells Rachel, gathering up her clothes and book and wrapping them in the sandy blanket. “But this was fun! Thanks for, I don’t know, talking to me and stuff.”
“Dude, no problem. We should hang out more!” Rachel says, drying her hair vigorously. “I left my phone at the house, but I can give you my number.”
“That sounds great.” Kate pulls her phone from the bundle and opens a new contact. “All right. What’s is it?”
“Save me as Professional Babe,” Rachel orders after reciting her digits, leering over Kate’s shoulder.
Kate puts her in as Rachel. “Boo, hiss,” Rachel monotones. “Whatever, I’ll convince you eventually. No one can resist my charms for long.” She tickles the back of Kate’s neck. “Later, bookworm. I’ll return your board. Text me tonight!”
Kate heads off first, sparing only a brief glance behind her as she goes. Rachel ties the rainbow towel around the tree again before picking up the boards and walking into the distance.
Kate likes this.
Once she works up the nerve to send a text Rachel’s way after dinner, it quickly becomes obvious that Rachel’s intent on kind of taking over Kate’s life. They meet up almost daily on the beach, whenever Kate’s not off in town with her family, and Rachel is a beacon of excitement and chatter and teaching. She tells Kate about Arcadia Bay, where she goes to school, and she tells stories of getting into trouble with a girl called Chloe, tales of a hot photography teacher, California dreams of a modeling career and fortune and fame. She takes Kate surfing, and buys her things — so many things! Eventually, a board has to be purchased, and so does ice cream on the regular, which Rachel always steals a lick of because “I paid for it.” When Kate questions how precisely she paid for it, Rachel explains that her parents give her pretty much anything she asks for. Kate wonders why, of all the things Rachel likes to talk about, she never talks about them.
She always wonders why Rachel’s doing this, because inevitably, Kate doesn’t feel like she can match up. She doesn’t have wild tales of teenage rebellion, almost getting caught by the cops, rescuing friends from awful step-parents and partying on a colder beach than this with the popular kids. She can only offer the stories she’s read in books, her thoughts on them, a few anecdotes from Sunday School and youth group, and yet Rachel seems fascinated all the same.
Kate doesn’t really understand it until one day stormclouds roll out over the ocean. She gets a text as she’s considering her plans for the day.
Rachel:
kate im booooooooooooooooooooored
Me:
Am I supposed to do something about that? Aren’t you the fun one?
Rachel:
i prepared for this contingency
i have a plan
but i need some1 to do it with
come over to my house
Me:
What do you need me for?
Rachel:
kate i’m rachel frickin amber professional beach babe and it would be really sad and messed-up for me to watch a bunch of cartoons totally alone whereas if YOU come im showing it to someone so come over already
Kate stares at the message for a moment, uncomprehending. This is Rachel? The same Rachel who’s been toting her around and being just aggressively cooler than Kate for the past two weeks?
She’s intrigued. She’s never seen Rachel in her home. She seems like some kind of mermaid that crawls back into the ocean to sleep whenever Kate’s not around, vanishing whenever she doesn’t want or can’t have Kate’s company. But surely there’s more to this girl’s life than Kate, even right now in this unfamiliar place; surely she’s found some other friends she’d want to hang out with this summer.
So Kate has to accept. She gets an address in return, looks up the directions, and figures she can get there on her own no problem. It’s only a couple minutes away on foot. She informs her father, who looks a little disappointed that she won’t be joining the family for a trip to the movies but says, “I’m glad you found a friend,” as she rushes out the door in the heaviest clothes she’d packed.
It’s a pretty miserable walk down to Rachel’s, the rain spitting on her the whole way, but she finds the little beach house easily enough. There’s no car in the driveway, but the living room lights shine through the screen door that Kate’s climbing up the front steps to reach. Rachel appears in front of Kate just as she’s about to knock, swinging the door open and wrapping her in a hug. She’s got a nice, soft flannel on over torn jeans. It’s weird to see her out of a bikini.
“Kate! Sweet! Now I’m not pathetic!” Rachel exclaims, bringing her inside. They enter into a small, cramped little living room, an old SD TV sitting in front of a slightly ratty green couch. As Kate sits down, Rachel ducks beneath the entertainment center and brings up a DVD case, holding it up for Kate to see.
“I packed all three seasons with me because I wanted to re-watch them this summer,” Rachel explains. “You seen this?”
Kate recognizes the boy on the box, a little bald kid with an arrow on his head, but she’s never seen the series proper. “No, sorry—”
“Dude! Not sorry! This’ll be awesome. Avatar’s, like, my shit. All the bending forms are based off martial arts, and there’s all this cool like Eastern philosophy and theology influence...” Rachel trails off as she pops the first DVD out of the case and slides it into the player. “Anyway. You’ll love it. It’ll be great.”
“I’ll trust you,” Kate says, smiling at her. “Don’t let me down, though.”
“Have I ever? C’mon, we gotta get to the first big two-parter before lunch.” Rachel grabs the remote and flops down next to Kate on the couch, stretching her arm across the back, just behind Kate’s neck.
As the first episode starts up with it requisite exposition, Kate sees something different in Rachel. She mouths the last line of the introduction, and as soon as the girl on screen cracks open an iceberg with her water powers, Rachel’s eyes just light up. She keeps looking over at Kate as the episode goes on, when she thinks Kate wouldn’t notice; Kate gets the feeling Rachel’s waiting to see if Kate likes the show, if it’s as energizing for her. As the credits for the first episode start rolling, Rachel starts talking about how cool it is that the waterbenders are based off Inuit cultures, and how the firebenders are so Japanese, and Kate starts to understand something about her new friend.
Rachel Amber is a huge dork.
It becomes steadily more obvious as the day stretches on, as Rachel quotes lines while they’re happening on screen, making a squealing noise when the Kyoshi Warriors show up, chatting excitedly about how she’s learning some of Katara’s waterbending moves from YouTube tai chi lessons. And not only is Rachel’s enthusiasm infectious, the show is just fun. Kate’s never watched anything quite like it before, and with a little guilt, she thinks it really beats out the Veggietales her mother exposed her to when she was a kid. She listens to Rachel’s descriptions of waiting anxiously for the big Winter Solstice episode and feels just a tad jealous that Rachel got to experience this firsthand.
As the Solstice episode finishes off, Rachel pauses the disc and turns to Kate. “So?” she asks, bouncing a little as she stares into Kate’s eyes.
“So, what?” Kate replies.
“So what do you think? It’s super cool, right?”
“It is pretty cool,” Kate admits. “The animation is really good, and the action scenes are—”
“I know!” Rachel interrupts. “It’s so cool! Uuugh I can’t wait till we get to the season finale. You’ll stay, right? Like, we should have a sleepover and keep binging, man I forgot how great this series is.”
“I’d have to ask my parents,” Kate says, although she’s tempted to just say ‘yes’ on the spot. Watching Rachel get all animated and excited about a cartoon is too much fun to miss out on. “Would your parents be okay with it?” she asks as she brings out her phone.
“My parents wouldn’t care so long as I’m in the house.” Rachel seems to lose a little of her spark as she says that, sinking into the couch. “It’s, you know, it’s whatever.”
“Where are they, anyway?” Kate asks, glancing around the house.
“They’re at some, like, time-share presentation social or something. They wanna keep doing this every summer. I bailed on that plan pretty quick,” Rachel explains quickly. “They’ll be home for dinner, though. I’ll make them buy us pizza. Speaking of food, I’ve got some leftovers in the fridge, let’s eat and then we can get back to binging.”
Rachel stands up and Kate follows her into the kitchen. As she rummages around in the fridge, Rachel asks, “So what kind of bender do you think you’d be?”
Kate bites her lip. “I—I don’t think I’d be a bender. I’d be one of the normal people. I’m too boring.”
“No, no, that’s not the game,” Rachel sighs, drawing out a Chinese takeout box and putting it on the counter, then diving back in. “And you’re not boring. I think you’d be an airbender.”
“Really?” Kate asks. “Why?”
“Well, you’re like me. You’re spiritual, devoted, you like animals...You’d be such a good airbending monk.” Rachel looks over from the fridge. “What do you think? You’d be cute with a shaved head.”
“I’m not spiritual like you are,” Kate points out. “I’m not really into the whole, like, horoscopes and New Age things...”
“Yeah, you are, you’re just not quite into the same stuff, but you’re still all about the divine, right? So you belong in the air.” Rachel takes out a lunch container, opens it briefly for a sniff, then evidently decides whatever’s in there is good enough. “What do you think I’d be?”
Kate has to think for a minute as Rachel pops their meals into the microwave. “Maybe a waterbender? You’d have so much fun out on the ocean if you could make your own waves,” Kate offers.
“Hmm, yeah, that’s true,” Rachel says quietly, leaning back on the counter. “But....I dunno. I wanna think airbender. That whole free-spirit thing they have going, I can dig that. Just fly around, not tied to anyone, doing whatever I wanted...I wish I could be like that.”
“Well, maybe you can just be the Avatar,” Kate suggests.
“Now that I can do,” Rachel says with a smirk. “Screw only having one thing you can do, right? Be everything at once. Throw people for a loop once they think they’ve got you pinned down. All right, Kate, you convinced me, I’m the Avatar, bow down or something.”
“I thought the Avatar’s supposed to be humble and keep the world in balance.”
“Damn, you have a point. We gotta start over, I’d be such a problem Avatar, I’d try to be, like, queen of the world...”
They end up cycling through each of the elements as they eat, and then it’s back to the couch. Rachel finds a blanket at some point after Kate complains of the chill, and snuggles up to her as they watch. Kate feels a little lightheaded, a little tingly where Rachel is touching her. It’s nice. Being with Rachel, finding out new things about her, it’s always nice.
Rachel’s parents come through the door after dark, complaining of meetings going longer than scheduled, asking who this fine young lady is that’s joining Rachel in her cartoon adventures. Rachel asks for her pizza and gets a confirmation, and then the adults are just gone, sequestering themselves somewhere upstairs. It feels strange to have them in the house, but not interacting with them hardly at all. Rachel pays for the delivery herself, and by the time the season finale’s over, both of them have polished off all remains of the food.
As Kate processes the events of the episode ( She turned into the moon... ) Rachel turns to her.
“So you’re staying over, right? We gotta keep hanging out.”
“Oh!” Kate suddenly realizes her own lack of communication. “Yeah, hold on, let me ask.” She pulls her phone from her pocket and calls her father.
“Hey, dad? Can I stay at Rachel’s tonight?”
“Uh—sure, honey, I don’t see why not. Just come back by ten tomorrow, all right? We’re going boating.”
“Thanks! I love you.”
“Love you too, Katie. Don’t miss out!”
“I won’t.”
As Kate hangs up the phone, Rachel cocks her head, her feather swaying with the motion. She’s got a strange look on her face.
“What?” Kate asks.
“Hm? Nothing. Come on, let’s go to my room. I’ve got some pajamas that should fit you. This’ll be fun!”
After Kate receives the promised pajamas and goes into the bathroom to change, she hears a ringtone from beyond the door. Tucking her clothes under her arm, she carefully eases the door open.
“Oh! Hi, Danny! No, not tonight, sorry, I got plans. It’s gross outside anyway.” Rachel pauses, then lets out a laugh. “No, you can’t do that either. Because I have plans, I said. Yes, they are mysterious plans. I’m in a witch’s coven, so watch your mouth.”
Another pause, a giggle, and that one definitely sounds fake. “I gotta go. Good night , Danny.”
As Rachel hangs up, Kate pads into her room. Rachel looks down at the phone and lets out a long sigh.
“Who was that?” Kate asks tentatively as she closes the door and lays her clothes on Rachel’s office chair.
“Oh, just...I found these kids when I first got here, they have these bonfire parties and stuff. They’re okay. I hang with them when I’m not with you, most of the time.” Rachel shrugs and puts her phone on her nightstand.
“So that’s what you get up to,” Kate says, trying to match Rachel’s playful tone that she always uses to get Kate out of a funk. Rachel looks up and gives her a soft smile, and the movement shifts her earring again. Kate’s got to ask.
“So what’s with the just one earring you have there?” Kate crawls up onto Rachel’s bed. Rachel scoots backwards and puts her back against the wall.
“This?” Rachel fingers the feather with one hand. “Oh, um, Chloe made it for me. I found it when she only had one finished, and I tried it on, and...I dunno. I like just the one. It’s cool.” She reaches her arm above her head, playing with the dreamcatcher hanging from a nail on the wall. “It’s nice to have that little mark to show it’s always you, no matter what you do to your hair or your clothes or whatever.”
“I like it,” Kate says, taking a seat beside her and stretching her legs down the bed. “It’s nice that your friend made something for you.”
“Do you have a lot of friends back home?” Rachel asks.
“Oh, um...you know, there’s people I talk to at school and stuff.” Kate wants to say, nobody like you, but that’d be weird. But it’s true. She doesn’t have a mysterious Chloe waiting back home. It’s not that she’s unpopular or bullied, it’s just...she’s never sure how much she has in common with people, and sometimes they’re a bit much for Kate. Youth group is plenty for her.
“But no like grand network of Kate-worshippers to manage? You sure? You strike me as the cult-leader type,” Rachel teases, reaching over and playing with Kate’s undone hair.
“Hardly. People don’t really notice me, or if they do, I’m the weird quiet Christian girl who’s always drawing.”
“Hold up, you draw? Since when? You’ve been holding out on me,” Rachel accuses, putting on a pouty face. “You have to show me your sketchbook.”
“I didn’t think you’d want me carrying it around and interrupting our beach time to draw random stuff,” Kate says with a shrug. “It’s—I’m not that good, anyway, all I draw is lame cutesy stuff. You wouldn’t like it.”
“Kate.” Rachel shifts and puts a hand on Kate’s shoulder. “You are showing me your sketchbook and then you are drawing the crap out of me. I wanna be a model, remember? I’d love to see what you pull out.”
“M-maybe sometime.” Kate blushes and looks down. “If you really want.”
“Uh, yes, I really want! Kate, if you’re hiding any other talents, I’m gonna find ‘em.”
“Well, I play the violin...”
“Hell yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. See? You’re not boring.” Rachel pokes her in the stomach, then flops down on her back again, staring up at the ceiling. “You’re really not, Kate. I think you’re pretty cool.”
Kate picks at her sleeve, smiling. She doesn’t want to throw off Rachel’s compliment. It seems ungrateful. So they share a short silence, until Rachel asks, “So who’s your favorite character in Avatar so far? Mine’s coming up in the next season...”
They talk about nothing for what seems like forever, until Kate’s yawning through most of her sentences and losing track of what Rachel’s saying. After Kate’s kept her eyes closed for a fairly long Rachel rant on the subject of filler episodes, Rachel shakes her by the shoulder.
“Okay, all right, bed time,” she says. “I admit defeat.”
“Oh, mm,” Kate mumbles, struggling to open her eyes and starting to raise herself up. “Guess I’ll go to the couch.”
“What? No, come on.” Rachel pushes her back down, which is hard to resist when Kate’s entire body feels sluggish and heavy. “Bed’s big enough for both of us. You get comfy.”
Kate would object, she doesn’t want to steal Rachel’s space, but she’s sleepy. She lets Rachel essentially tuck her in, then feels the bed shift as Rachel gets under the covers herself.
“Goodnight, Kate,” Rachel whispers. Kate feels her fingers pass over her ear, tucking hair behind it. Something in her twinges strangely, but she chooses to ignore it.
“Night, Rachel,” Kate mutters, turning over and burying her face in the pillow.
She wakes up feeling warm. The sun’s shining in through the windows, and there’s something—
Oh.
Rachel’s got an arm wrapped around her waist as she breathes softly into the fabric of her own pillow.
Kate’s not sure why it feels difficult to breathe. She swallows as she turns over, hearing a sleepy mumble from Rachel as she does. Rachel’s body presses up against her side.
Kate stares up at the ceiling. Should she disentangle herself? But she doesn’t want to wake Rachel, and right now, the house is quiet save for the soft sounds of the surf outside, and this moment feels golden and peaceful. She should find out what time it is, but Rachel looks so content, a sleepy smile on her resting face. It hardly seems fair to bother her.
Eventually Rachel stirs, smacking her lips and looking up at Kate. “Mm. Hi,” she murmurs, reaching up and poking Kate’s chin.
“Hi.”
Rachel looks down at herself, at the way she’s cuddling up against Kate. “Sleep good?”
No acknowledgement, then. This is just how it is right now. It’s warm. It’s...fuzzy. “Yeah,” Kate answers with a dry throat.
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Rachel asks, shifting until she’s sitting up, withdrawing her body from Kate’s. Kate sort of wishes she hadn’t moved, and isn’t sure why she thought that.
“Oh! Oh, yeah. What time is it?”
“Mmph.” Rachel reaches across Kate and grabs her phone from the nightstand, squinting at it. “Like 9:30.”
“Oh, shoot. I gotta go.” Kate quickly gets out of bed and grabs her clothes. “Thanks, Rachel. It was a lot of fun.”
“Babe, it’s me, I’m always fun,” Rachel replies lazily, waggling her fingers idly in the air. “Seeya, Kate.”
As Kate changes in the bathroom, she thinks very hard about having a fun outing with her family and not about that weird fluttering sensation she’d had, lying in that quiet moment with Rachel.
The rainbow towel still marks the spot where they meet up on the beach, but today, Rachel hasn’t texted her to ask to hang. Kate’s only a little disappointed, but at least it means she can get back to her re-read, so she settles down in that spot anyway and gets absorbed again. The day is hot and fine, a cloudless sky overhead, gulls screeching in the distance.
She’s somehow not surprised when Rachel plops right down next to her an hour or two later. At first she doesn’t even say anything, just stretching her body across the blanket, wiggling her toes in the sun, staring into the sky. Her surfboard lies propped against the tree with the towel, and as Kate looks up from her book occasionally and surveys the scene, it feels right. Rachel’s presence here, even in silence, works for her.
“Read me a story, Kate,” Rachel asks after they’ve been sitting for a while and letting the sounds of the ocean wash over them.
“What?” Kate looks over at her, raising her eyebrows.
“Read me one of those stories in there,” Rachel repeats, shifting onto an elbow and poking the book to make her point.
“You could read it yourself,” Kate offers.
“Nope. Read it to me. Pick your favorite one.”
“What’s bringing this on?”
“I dunno. I feel like being told a story.” Rachel lays back and closes her eyes. “And I like your voice.”
“I’ve never read aloud before, I mean, not unless they make us do it in class...”
“Really? I always saw you at like, a library, doing storytime for little kids.”
Kate thinks for a moment. “I-I’ve wanted to volunteer sometimes, but—”
“Kate, you should always do what you want to do.” Rachel sits up and gives her a serious look. “When you get back home you should totally volunteer. You’re so sweet, people would eat you up.”
Saying no to Rachel is hard. Especially when those hazel eyes are looking right into yours. “It’s—yeah. I’ll think about it.”
“Good.” Rachel falls back on her back. “Now tell me a story.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously. I let you in on my nerdy thing. Your turn.”
“All right, fine, you wore me down.” Kate’s fingers shake as she turns to the front of the book. What if she sounds bad, or she messes up a word, or Rachel doesn’t like the story? But Rachel’s eyes are insistent on her. She clears her throat.
She tells Rachel a story, of a robotic babysitter, mute and endlessly patient with the little girl he’s in charge of. He asks for her to tell him fairy tales when they settle down from their play, and the friendship between them is enough to upset the girl’s mother.
She worries about what the neighbors will think, and so concocts a plan to move to the city where they’ll have to leave the robot behind. It all turns out well in the end, of course, with a little trick of the father’s to keep the girl and her friend together until the robot rusts.
After Kate’s aching voice manages to finish out the final line, Rachel silently draws patterns on the blanket, a thoughtful look on her face. “That was cute,” she murmurs after a minute. “But that mom was a bitch.”
“That’s kind of harsh,” Kate replies, trying to swallow enough spit to wet her throat properly. “She was just—just trying to do what was best for her daughter.”
“She was doing what would look best,” Rachel argues. “Not what would actually be good for her. I dunno. I just don’t think...that you should be separated from someone you love ‘cuz of societal implications or whatever. You know?”
There’s some kind of weight in Rachel’s voice that Kate can’t quite identify.
“Oh, whatever, ignore me, I’m being emo again,” Rachel says, perking up. “Thanks, Kate, that was a pretty cool story. Let’s go out and hit the waves, okay?”
Kate’s just settling down to sleep when her phone lights up with a text.
Rachel:
K8m8 theres a party down on the beach rn
you should come
Me:
It’s eleven, Rachel. Everyone’s asleep here.
Rachel:
perfect time to sneak out then
Me:
I don’t want to get in trouble.
Rachel:
come on whos gonna punish you for going out and having a beach party on your summer vacay
besides youre quiet you can do it
i believe in kate marsh
Kate bites her lip. She really shouldn’t. Her mother would not approve, and she was already kind of tired, and—
Another text shows up on her phone.
Rachel:
i really really want you to come
Kate paces around her room, staring at her phone and further worrying at her lip. It could be fun. Rachel will be there, and she’s not lying when she says she’s always fun. And Rachel wants her to come.
Me:
I might be too lame for your friends...
Rachel:
okay kate im gonna swear but that is bull. crap.
come on please
Me:
How close is it?
Rachel:
were pretty much in your backyard
does that mean youre coming???? please say yes
Me:
If I don’t immediately get caught, I’ll try and find you.
Rachel:
YES
I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT
KATE MARSH GONNA LIGHT THIS PARTY UP
Kate giggles at Rachel’s all-caps celebration, then sets about getting back into her real clothes. She keeps her sandals in her hands as she sneaks down the stairs and out through the back door, slipping them on before following the sandy path behind their house to the beach. She sees the orange glow of a fire as she approaches, a smattering of young bodies and coolers surrounding it, dancing to an electronic beat pounding out of a boombox hooked up to someone’s phone. They all just look like silhouettes in the dark, until she spots a familiar curvy form in a bikini top and cutoff shorts turn around and perk up at the sight of her.
“Kate!” echoes out over the sand, and Rachel comes running towards her, a massive smile on her face. Kate grins and runs right at her too, just to make this as dramatic as possible. What she doesn’t expect is Rachel to leap as they meet up and wrap her legs around Kate’s waist, nearly toppling her over as she struggles to hold Rachel’s weight.
“You made it!” Rachel exclaims, kissing Kate’s cheek. “Okay, let’s get outta here.”
“Uh, what?” Kate asks as a tall blonde boy sidles up to them. “I thought—”
“Sorry, Danny, gotta bail,” Rachel says, dropping off of Kate and looking over her shoulder. “My coven leader’s here, we’ve gotta go dance naked under the moon to summon a really nasty demon or two. I’ll send you pics.”
“Aw, I thought you were gonna stay all night!” Danny whines.
“Oh, you know that Sagittarius life,” Rachel says, waving her hand. “Can’t help it. Gotta be free.”
“Text me later, all right?”
“You know it.” Rachel grabs Kate’s hand. “Come on, let’s go.”
Kate follows Rachel’s lead, feeling a little lost as she stumbles towards their spot further down the beach. She can barely see Rachel’s face in the moonlight, but she can tell it’s tight. Pursed. Her eyes look bloodshot, and her feet are unsteady. Kate actually has to catch her as they walk over the rocks when she loses her balance and nearly smashes her face on them.
“You’re a lifesaver, Kate,” Rachel murmurs, before flopping down into the sand and staring straight up at the stars. “Come on down here. I’ll show you some constellations.”
“Are you okay, Rachel?” Kate asks gently.
“Get down here, I said.”
Kate obeys, lying beside Rachel and clasping her hands on her stomach. There’s silence for a while, nothing but the chirping of insects and the sound of the waves to fill the space. Rachel lets out a long sigh.
“Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are?” Rachel asks.
“Huh?”
“I mean...” Rachel’s fingers crawl lazily through the sand, drawing nonsense designs. “I mean, do you ever feel like there’s different versions of yourself out there, and you don’t know which one is really you?”
“I...no, not really,” Kate says. “Why do you ask?”
“Because...” Rachel turns over, facing Kate. “That’s how I feel. A lot. Like, there’s a version of me that hangs out with you and watches Avatar and geeks out about spirituality and martial arts and stuff, and there’s a version of me that runs around with Chloe and tags school property and plays in a junkyard, and there’s a version of me that parties hard with the beach crew and the Vortex Club, and I don’t know which one is me. I thought...I thought I wanted you to see that me, the party girl, but the second I saw you I knew I didn’t actually want that. Like...” Rachel swallows. “I like who I am when I’m with you. I don’t know if I like that other Rachel.”
Kate shifts to face Rachel, and sees her eyes shining with reflected starlight. “Rachel...” She’s not sure what to say.
“The towel’s not mine,” Rachel interrupts.
“What?”
“That towel. I don’t know whose it is. I just...” Rachel sniffs. “I just saw you reading alone on the beach and I wanted an excuse to talk to you. I wanted to see who I’d be, how I could make you like me. That’s...it’s so fucked up. I’m such a fucking mess. ”
Kate would laugh if it wasn’t obvious that Rachel’s not doing well, not at all. It hardly seems like a big, earth-shattering revelation to her. She reaches out and touches Rachel’s shoulder. “That’s okay,” she says. “You didn’t need an excuse. I would’ve talked to you.”
“But I lie all the time,” Rachel insists. “I told that guy I was a Sagittarius but I’m a Cancer. I just said that to keep up the whole mysterious image thing I’ve got going with them, I don’t know why I can’t just be honest, why I can’t just say I want to hang out with you instead of...” She lets out a grunt of frustration and sits up, staring out at the ocean. “I don’t know who I am, Kate,” she says as Kate rises to sit beside her. “Sometimes I feel like I’ll never know.”
“You’re my friend,” Kate says softly. “Whatever else you think you are, I know you’re that. And I do like you.”
“Do you?” Rachel asks, turning to face her. Her eyes look unfocused as they stare at each other in the dark.
“Y-yes,” Kate stammers as Rachel cups her cheek.
Rachel rushes forward and kisses her.
Kate’s frozen. Rachel’s lips are soft and she tastes like beer and some other acrid flavor Kate can’t identify. Her eyes close instinctively and all she can feel is Rachel, all she can hear is the soft and wet sound of her lips as they insistently tug at Kate’s, but Kate can’t move. Can’t respond. Can’t even think. Her nerves are buzzing too loud for her to think.
Rachel seems to take an eternity to move away, and Kate can finally breathe. The buzzing in her mind turns to sirens as she opens her eyes to see Rachel’s pleading face.
“N-no,” Kate blurts out, “I—I can’t, I-I’m not—”
“Kate—”
Kate stands up, clutching at her hair, trying to silence the alarms, trying to work through this, but she can’t, it’s too loud, sixteen years of sermons and her mother’s words at the dinner table and people on the news and rumors at school are too loud for her to say anything but, “I’m sorry,” and she can’t look at Rachel because she is really beautiful and Kate can’t think that, she’s not allowed to think that, she needs to get away, away from temptation and away from this feeling in her heart that tells her she’s disgusting and vile and she needs to go.
Kate turns and runs across the rocks, as far up the shore as possible, following the beach’s curve back up past the fire and the party. She throws up sand with every step as she heads back to the house, and then she stops in the backyard, knowing she can’t be quiet because she’s sniffling and her eyes are wet and she can taste saltwater that didn’t come from the ocean. She heaves in a breath past the lump in her throat and sits down against the back door, burying her face in her hands.
I’m not like that.
I’m not.
Her phone buzzes in her pocket. She swallows and draws it out.
Rachel:
im soryr
She tucks it back into her shorts, numb. Okay. Another deep breath. She stands, takes off her sandals, and cautiously opens the door, taking one silent step at a time back into her room. Her sketchbook lies on her nightstand, and she grabs it without knowing why, opens it. Like there’s going to be some truth hidden in there.
Sketches of Rachel. So many sketches of Rachel. In short-shorts or bikinis or crop tops, stretching herself across the sand or standing with her board against her side, carefully rendered, every curve, every muscle, every winning smile and twinkling eye. Kate remembers how it felt when Rachel would pose for her, remembers feeling fluttering inside of her, heat in her cheeks, vibrations in her legs. She remembers her mother commenting on the news late one night, startling her as she was about to fall asleep.
I can’t believe those perverts think they should be able to get married. Don’t people have a sense of shame these days?
Kate snaps the sketchbook closed and resists the urge to just throw it, to tear everything around her apart, to claw her own skin off. Pervert. She quietly dumps it in the trash can next to her bed. She swallows bile.
She plugs in her phone, watching it light up to display im soryr again. A cold shiver runs through her body and she turns it over. She gets into her pajamas and falls into bed. She remembers an arm around her in the dawn light and she feels nausea boiling in her stomach. She curls up into the fetal position. She’s not sure if she sleeps.
Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are?
Three days pass with nothing from Rachel but that misspelled apology. Her mother’s glad to have her back with the family again. Kate tells them that Rachel’s busy.
She finishes her book, even the story that makes her think too much, because she’s thinking too much anyway these days. The sketchbook stays in its spot in her trash can, getting a longing look every night, but Kate’s fingers can’t seem to grasp it. She can’t look at it again. She can’t be that person. That kind of person.
She finds herself walking down the beach alone, hands tucked into her pockets. Thinking too much. The sun’s setting over the sea as she wanders, kicking seashells out of her path. The sand is the only thing she can look at.
“Hey.”
Kate turns to see Rachel gliding out of the water. She should run. She should never talk to this girl again. That’s what you’re supposed to do. You don’t associate with these people, especially not when...
But Kate can’t just tell her to go away. “Hi,” she responds lamely, stopping in her tracks as Rachel stands up out of the surf and stands at a distance.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” Rachel says after a short silence. “Can we—can we still be friends?”
Kate thinks about leaving Rachel alone with the Rachel she’s not sure she likes and her chest feels like it’s cracking apart. She can’t do that. Kate remembers her father arguing back with her mother, They’re still people. Christ says we’re supposed to love everyone. If we want them to stop sinning, we have to show them that love.
“Yeah,” Kate says. “We can still be friends. Just—I’m not...like that, okay?”
“All right.” Rachel kicks at the sand. “It’s...it’s my fault. I was kinda drunk and...God. Let’s forget it ever happened.”
“Okay.”
“We’re cool?”
“We’re cool.”
“Wanna go surfing for a bit?”
“Sure.”
Kate knows that this is when Rachel would normally hug her, or tease her, or something. But she just starts walking to Kate’s house, to grab her board. They keep their distance and their silence as they trudge through the sand.
“I’m leaving in two days.”
Rachel looks over at Kate, sitting on the other end of the couch.
“Well that sucks,” she opines.
Kate shrugs. It was always the plan. Nothing’s changed. She has to go back home sometime.
“Well, we haven’t finished Avatar. Sleepover tomorrow to cap off the summer?” Rachel asks.
“All right.”
Kate sits against the bottom of Rachel’s bed. She lets out a long, high-pitched yawn as Rachel chuckles.
“Okay, there’s the Kate warning signal,” Rachel pipes up from above her. “Next thing I know you’ll be passed out on the floor. I remember when you drooled all over my flannel that one time...”
Kate shakes her head wildly to clear it, stretching out her arms as she lets out another yawn. A woman wails faintly from Rachel’s cellphone speaker, singing about dreams and changing every day. The Cranberries, Kate remembers. She doesn’t listen to this stuff around Chloe. It’s not hardcore enough. So many little Rachel facts in this brain of hers, about to become irrelevant as soon as she leaves tomorrow. Things are still too weird between them. Kate feels like they won’t talk once she leaves, even if they promised each other so long ago. Before the night of that party.
“Kate? You still with me?”
“Mm? Yeah. I should...really go to bed, though.” Kate stands up shakily.
“You’re...gonna go sleep on the couch, huh.” Rachel’s voice sounds strained.
“...yeah.”
Rachel swallows. “Kate. Can I ask you something?”
Kate feels a chill run through her as she turns around to face Rachel, sitting cross-legged on her bed and staring at her lap. Kate knows she should say ‘no,’ because she knows what’s coming, she’s not stupid, but she’s also not rude. And Rachel might be the best friend she’s ever had. Kate owes her this. “W-what is it?”
“Did you ever think...” Rachel shifts, drawing her legs further into herself. “Do you think there’s a universe out there where you could...where we could be...”
“Rachel, I—”
“Just please, Kate, answer me, tell me the truth, because I thought, I thought I felt something from you, I thought for sure, but I don’t know anymore and I want to know before you’re gone forever, and...” Rachel sniffs. “And I really like you. And I don’t know if you like me anymore.”
Kate crouches down, getting on Rachel’s eye level. “Of course I like you,” she tells her.
“But not the way I like you. Right?”
“I...” Kate would say no. Should say no. But she has the distinct feeling it would be a lie. “I don’t know.” She’s barely audible. “But I shouldn’t, I—”
“Kiss me.”
Kate pales as Rachel stands up, their faces so close. “W-wha—”
“Kiss me. Then you’ll know.”
Kate stares at Rachel’s lips. One kiss can be forgiven, right? Just to figure out who she is. Just to...to see if she really does have those urges. If she needs to seek some kind of therapy to get rid of them. Just to confirm.
“Kate, you don’t have to—”
Kate does.
Rachel throws her arms around Kate as they kiss, Kate’s inexperience showing through but she can’t stop, doesn’t want to stop, Rachel tastes like honey and warmth and their bodies feel right pressed up against each other. Kate nervously puts her hands on Rachel’s hips and thought leaves her, nothing but sensation in her perception, nothing but Rachel and her soft body and her perfect lips.
Rachel’s the one to pull away, panting hard, and Kate wants to do it again so she does, and she doesn’t let anything stop her, she does what she wants to do like Rachel told her to and it’s perfect. Her tongue moves of its own accord and Rachel accepts it eagerly, almost fighting against her until suddenly Rachel is utterly, undeniably, in control. Her arms are a vicegrip around Kate’s body, and she twirls the two of them around, and she pushes Kate onto the bed and falls on top of her.
God. God. Rachel’s weight feels good, feels great, feels right, and even though Kate’s breath is shaking and her heart’s pounding like a kettle drum she doesn’t want to stop, not at all, not even when Rachel’s hands start crawling up her shirt, because the words of her mother, her pastors, the men on TV, they’ve left her mind entirely, they don’t matter, Rachel’s here and hot and alive.
It’s not until the chill strikes her bare skin that it all comes rushing back. Not until Rachel has totally cleared her mind and left her panting is she cognizant of what she’s done. Her throat closes up as Rachel trails a wet finger up her neck and whispers something in her ear, something like “You can stay right there, I don’t mind.” She can’t understand Rachel. Her mind is a wasp’s nest of thoughts, buzzing endlessly, torturously, screaming in her ears.
She squirms under Rachel and pushes her away, nearly falling off the bed in a mad scramble to find her clothes. Rachel’s saying something, telling her to come back, asking what’s wrong, but Kate’s throat is closed and tears sting her eyes and she has to leave she has to get out of here she has to die and go straight to Hell because she’s a pervert, she’s let herself be lead into temptation by this witch and she has to run.
“Kate!” Rachel whispers fiercely as Kate rushes out the door, not bothering with her sandals, she has to go, she has to go, she has to get away or Rachel will ensnare her again and tell her sweet lies. She runs out of the house without a care for how much sound she’s making, because she’s never seeing Rachel or those absent parents of hers again because she can’t not ever, not ever again. The sand is cold beneath her feet, and the rocks cut her as she dashes across their old spot. Her phone rings and rings and rings in her pocket. She tears it out of her jeans and throws it into the ocean. Then she stops. She stares at the spot her phone disappeared into.
She falls to her knees and kneads her fists on her forehead and sobs.
She can’t go home. It’s the middle of the night. She’s damned, she’s a sinner, a pervert, and if she comes home now her whole family will know and she has to lie. She has to lie and she has to keep lying for the rest of her life because she can’t feel those things that Rachel made her feel. She can’t.
She falls back and sits cross-legged, staring out over the ocean, waiting for dawn. Her mind repeats itself over and over and over again. She lets it do so while she considers just walking in and letting the saltwater flood her lungs. She stares until her eyes hurt, and her eyes hurt until she’s numb.
When the sun begins to rise, she stands. Walks slowly in through the back of the beach house. She makes herself a bowl of cereal, and when her parents get up, she tells them that they were out all night on the surf, and she lost her phone and her sandals but it’s okay, because Rachel still has her number, and once she gets a new phone, they’ll talk again.
She’s slumped over her desk, staring directly into the calculus formula as though it will solve itself because it’s midnight and she should be done already so the universe should give her a break, when she gets a text. It’s an unknown number.
i msis you
She’s kept summer out of her mind for the past few months, but she knows who this is, and a cold sweat breaks out on her neck. The texts keep coming.
im drunk im sorry chloe passed out an im not real
i miss who i wsa around you
pleaset alk to me
make me real
Kate blocks the number. She deletes the texts. She goes to bed. She dreams of surfing.
Her parents send her to Blackwell Academy, in Arcadia Bay, when she’s eighteen.
Rachel’s face stares at her from the corkboard in the dorms. MISSING. April in 2013. Summer of 2011 should be so long ago but it’s not. It’s right in front in Kate’s mind everywhere she goes, because Rachel’s face is everywhere she goes. She starts a school abstinence club because no one should feel this way. No one should have her regrets and her what-ifs. They should know for certain before they do what she did.
She volunteers for Meals on Wheels, because Rachel told her to.
She meets a girl. Her name is Max. They bond over a mutual love for tea, and meet up in town occasionally to chat about their lives. Kate doesn’t know who Rachel Amber is, when Max asks. How would she? This is her first year in Arcadia Bay, after all.
She catches herself staring at Max, sometimes. When she takes her little photos, when she’s talking and her lips catch the light just right. She goes back to her dorm and prays and begs and pleads God to help her, because she’s starting to think Rachel wasn’t the problem. The sin’s living in Kate. Maybe it always dwelled there.
One day, she spots a girl stapling the posters around campus. She’s tall, hair a shock of blue under a black beanie, ratty leather jacket around her shoulders, bullet necklace wrapped around her throat. She staples with a fervor, making as much noise with each pound into the telephone pole as she can manage. Kate’s staring at the poster, and the girl turns to her. Kate knows her name, hears it in Rachel’s voice in her mind.
“You seen her?” Chloe asks.
Kate shakes her head. “No, I’m new here.”
“Word of advice? Stay the fuck away from the Vortex Club,” Chloe advises. “She went to one of their parties and then she...” She swallows and looks away. “She...”
Kate approaches her, touches her shoulder gently. Chloe sniffs. “God, fuck, sorry. Just...be careful. What’s your name?”
“I’m Kate.”
“Well, Kate, watch yourself. This town eats good girls alive.” With a final wipe of her eyes, Chloe stalks off towards the parking lot and gets in a beat-up truck, resting her forehead on the steering wheel.
“Hey, Kate, I know this usually isn’t your thing, but there’s a party tonight and Juliet totally bailed on me,” Dana says, leaning against Kate’s doorframe. “You wanna come?”
Kate looks into the mirror and sees what she is. What’s living inside her. What she’s lying about.
This town eats good girls alive.
Well, Kate’s not a good girl.
“Sure.”