Work Text:
Harvard university was both a dream and a nightmare. A dream because he was finally at an institution where he could learn to his heart's content and he was with other intelligent individuals but a nightmare because everyone was so rich that he was unable to relate to those around him. While they went to parties and had time to study in the library, he was doing as many shifts in all of his jobs. Until he found a way out.
Drug dealing.
These kids were so rich they’d give a grand for a gram of weed so it didn’t take long for him to pay off his eight grand black hole and then there was all this leftover money. For the first time in his life he was able to own stuff, clothes without holes and new copies of his textbooks, all the comics he’d ever wanted to read and branded food. It felt good but he knew he’d dug himself into a problem.
It was a stupid idea in the first place, one that started from simply being overworked and while it had solved his problems he knew that it’d ruin his life if he were caught. He’d be kicked out of Harvard and forced to go back home. He loved Harvard too much to leave so he was trying to quit but the word was spreading. And rich people loved drugs - craved them constantly. They didn’t care how it would affect their health.
He mainly dealt weed which wasn’t that bad - it could cause life-changing hallucinations - it was mainly some fun. Malcolm had enough spare money so he was slowly letting his stack dwindle out.
–
The first time he sees James is when James tries to buy drugs from him. Knocking on his door as he was attempting to study. Malcolm opened the door and saw a freshman, a little taller with curly brown hair and bright blue eyes. He was wearing jeans and a Harvard hoodie. “I’m not selling anything. I’m trying to quit.” Malcolm immediately says, trying not to sound as annoyed as he feels.
“Really? I brought it from you just last week.” Malcolm suddenly remembers, he was with a friend at the time and he’d paid three thousand up front. That money would be life-changing for his family.
“I’m giving it up. I don’t want to get kicked out of here and I’m not the only one selling here. Go find someone else.” He snaps. Then he feels embarrassed because he tries not to snap at people anymore. He was supposed to be a new person.
“Chill it, I’ll find someone else. Won’t be as good as your drugs though.” He smiles and winks before walking off. Malcolm feels himself blush.
–
Malcolm Wilkerson was a new person. Someone who’d thrown away the ‘my life sucks’ motto and entered a new era. There was something in the air that made him feel brighter. Opportunity was at every corner, everything was interesting and everyone had ambition. Also he was two thousand miles away from his family. Turns out being away from his natural environment could make a major impact on his life.
Though he still didn’t have any actual friends the people here didn’t hate his guts and his nuclear biology course kept his spirits high. He liked to hop into other lectures when he was bored and soak in the information or check out books about things he’d never heard from the library. Life was good, maybe even great.
He barely spoke to Reese anymore and seldom called his parents - it was like he was living an entirely different life.
—
James next appears in his chemistry lecture. His professor is talking about electrolysis when he notices someone sitting next to him. His first instinct is to be annoyed because there’s so many empty seats and then he notices who it is. “You’re still not selling?” He whispers and Malcolm could kill him.
“Are you taking this class? Or are you just that desperate?” He whispers back.
“I’m actually a Shakespeare scholar, I’m not one for science. Technically I’m doing english literature and theatre but as soon as I get my undergrad I can focus solely on Shakespeare.”
“I’m trying to focus on the lecture. Can’t you give me your life story later?”
“Sure, I’ll see you around hot stuff.” And Malcolm doesn’t turn red, he really doesn’t. And he does not have trouble concentrating for the rest of the lecture.
—
When he’s cornered next he’s eating in the canteen. He’s eating grilled chicken with white rice and a side salad - it’s nice not having to live off the discount section. James sits across the table, his hair damp and his face flushed. “Thought you’d be at the library.” He says. “Hold on a moment, I need a bite to eat.”
Malcolm thinks about dashing off but he feels glued to his seat. James comes back with some noodles.
“Look, what do you want from me?” He asks because he’s genuinely confused with all the attention even though a part of him really appreciates it. He really needed a social life.
“I want you to come and see me in our adaptation of Macbeth. We’re going old-fashioned. Only men in Shakespeare’s time were allowed to play women so we’ve decided to carry on the tradition though we’re allowing women to play male characters. I’m playing Lady Macbeth.”
He internally sighs. “So when is the play?”
“It’s tomorrow, five pm. I have a ticket for you right here.” And he reaches in his hoodie and pulls out a ticket. Handing it over to Malcolm.
“Thanks. I was in a play when I was younger ‘A Midsummer's Night's Dream’ but I ended up forgetting my lines. It’s embarrassing to look back on but I had a really fun time during rehearsals.”
“So you’re a bit of a Shakespearean yourself? We’re doing auditions for much ado about nothing soon.”
“That life is past me.” And Malcolm can feel himself start to smile, he’s enjoying himself.
“You sure? It could be your chance to redeem yourself.”
They have a nice conversation and Malcolm learns a lot about James. He learns that James is filthy rich and grew up in Manhattan, his love of theatre started when his grandmother took him to Broadway at five and then blossomed when he saw the play ‘Julius Caesar’ at ten. Since then he’d been converted into a massive Shakespeare nerd, it was quite endearing.
—
The next day, once his two hour biology lecture has finished, he puts on his best shirt and heads down to the auditorium instead of the library. He gets there early so he can grab a seat near the front of the stage. He thinks about the lecture he’s attended, being taught the exact opposite of what high school biology taught him - something that was increasingly happening. Why was high school science just a lie? Well, clearly.
He watches the auditorium fill up with people, happily chatting to their mates and ignores the lingering feeling that he should be with them. He buries the feeling deep inside and waits for the stage lights to brighten.
The theatre society had based the play on how Shakespeare would do it, with no girls (They did have some girls but not in women's roles) and boys dressing up as women to play the women. Macbeth only had one important female character - Lady Macbeth - arguably the most important character in the play. (Sure, there was the witches but witches weren’t always women) He was rather excited to see how they’d play it. He’d never seen a real play before. (The great Mamma Mia incident didn’t really count)
It starts off strong but boring - Macbeth was on par with Romeo and Juliet for being one of the most overdone Shakespeare plays but actors at Harvard knew how to act. Besides, Shakespeare had only been around so long because his plays were worthwhile.
James doesn’t appear until scene five of the first act; he's wearing an early Elizabethan style of dress and he has a brunette wig. His face is painted with white makeup like Elizabeth 1st in some of the movies. He really looks like a woman, like a girl that would end up being his lab partner. A really hot woman too, someone that he’d fumble in high school.
“Come, you spirits that tend on montreal thoughts, unsex me here and fill me from the crown to the tow top-full of forest cruelty.”
Lady Macbeth was cunning, manipulative and also a loving wife, someone that wanted the best for both her husband and herself - in that era women were so connected to their husbands so she couldn’t really be blamed. Sure, she was crazy and turned her eye at murder but she wasn’t written to be an angel. She was definitely one of Shakespeare's best written characters.
And James knows how to play her well, his hands shake on her last scene where he says ‘To bed, to bed! There’s knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come, give me your hand. What’s done cannot be undone. To bed, to bed, to bed.’ and Malcolm thinks that he can feel himself smile. He’s enjoying himself too much.
—
Is he gay? James was dressed as a woman so maybe he’s in love with the woman being portrayed and not James. But that doesn’t make much sense because he knows it’s still James underneath and frankly he’d do it even with the wig off.
Maybe he’s overthinking this.
He doesn’t have a tv in his cramped room - there’s no space with all the textbooks and actual reading books - so he can’t watch naughty pool boys II and figure it out sexually but James is there and Boston had to have some gay clubs. All he had to do was make out with a man and figure out if he liked the taste. Malcolm thinks that it might have been easier to figure out if he was in high school. Now just wasn’t the time for a gay crisis.
James was objectively handsome and he was clearly a homosexual and he looked pretty as a girl. He’d trade all his high school girlfriends for one night with James. That was definitely gay - no overthinking needed. But they barely knew each other - the drugs, the lecture and the dining hall - three meetings. Was that even enough to fall in love with someone?
Maybe they were skipping the friend stage and going straight to lovers.
(Stars hide your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires)
—
Studying was the best distraction, it took his mind out of reality and his gay crisis and opened it to the world of science instead. Chemistry didn’t care if Malcolm was gay, it just wanted him to understand how the world worked from a fundamental level. But life is unfair and doesn’t want him to study. Instead the sound particles allow him to hear a knock on the door. He’s ready to bitch about not having anything on him but when he opens the door James is there.
Handsome James with the makeup rubbed off his face but still faintly there, his hair wet like he’d just come out of the shower. “Can I come in?” Malcolm moves to let him in.
“Did you enjoy the play?” James asks, his hoodie slowly lifted as he lays on Malcolm’s bed. Malcolm tries not to stare and he fails miserably.
“You were awesome. I loved your final scene when you were hallucinating all of the blood.”
“Yeah! I could see your eyes light up during that scene. I was watching your reaction.” Now would be a good time to kiss him but he doesn’t get time to think about that before James is rushing off the bed to kiss him. He tastes like chapstick and diet coke and he kisses better than a girl.
“I've wanted to do that ever since I first saw you.” James says and then he kisses Malcolm again. Malcolm thinks that he might be gay.
—
After that they begin to hang out more. It’s not serious, not really. They go to each other's lectures because it’s Harvard and they’re both intelligent people with a thirst for knowledge. It has nothing to do with the hands on the inner thighs. It’s not serious when he helps James practice his lines, when he memorises every line in ‘Much to do about nothing’ just to help him. It’s not serious when both their bodies are intertwined on a single bed that’s too cramped for even one person.
They don’t put a name to it, there isn’t a reason to put a name to it. They’re not friends because friends don’t do what they do but they haven’t called it a relationship either. There’s no expectations, it’s just them. It’s hidden touches and secret makeouts and laughing too much and it’s a feeling that he’s never felt before. He wants to savour this for the rest of his life.
He tries to imagine James as a girl, runs his fingers through his hair and imagines it as longer like the brunette wig he had once wore. It would make things easier - acceptable - of course he’d never tell James about this. About how much he’d love to see James in a dress with his face caked in makeup. There are some things better left unspoken.
—
Definitely not gay Malcolm thinks that he might be in a relationship with a guy. If he comes home on winter break his mother is going to have a heart attack when he tells her - he would never willingly tell her though and his brothers don’t know so maybe he could get away with it. He didn’t even want to go home for winter break. He loved Massachusetts and they had snow in the winter.
James was going to stay with his family in New York and Malcolm was willing to sleep on the streets if it meant not having to go home. He would be content sleeping in the library among the other hard-working students fighting to get firsts. He’d watch the snow fall and count down the days until James returned to his arms and there would be no shouting or Francis drama and Reese wouldn’t be committing crimes and there’d be no more siblings to add to the already long list.
“Where are you going for christmas?” James asks. “You never told me where you’re from.” They’re laying in bed together with James’ around tightly around him like he’s scared to let go.
“I’m not going home for Christmas, there’s no space at home for me. Do you think they’ll let me stay here over christmas?” He whines.
“Come to New York with me. You’ll love it. We can watch some Broadway shows and go to all the museums. We can even go ice-skating in Central park.” James says he's excited and getting ahead of himself.
Malcolm lets himself dream for a moment. Christmas in New York, away from his family. There’s not much to consider, he accepts the offer.
James buys him the plane ticket and he sells some more stuff because there’s no way that he’s relying on James for money for the whole trip. It feels good to be financially stable for once - even if it’s not in the means he’d like. They get tickets to see ‘Rent’ and then ‘Moulin Rouge’ and plan how many museums they can fit in. They also book a showing of ‘All’s well that ends well.’ Malcolm thinks that he’ll sell drugs for the rest of his life if it means affording a life like this.
–
“We can’t afford to get you a plane ticket home. Either you’re going to have to scrounge up the money or stay at Harvard over the winter.” His mother says over the phone. It feels uncomfortable to hear her voice again.
“I’m not coming home over the winter. I’m going to New York with my friend.”
“So you’re just going to ditch your family on Christmas? Who is this friend, is it a girl because I will tell you right now that it won’t last.” She’s starting to get angry.
“It’s not a girl ok, his name is James and he studies English literature. His family has a home in New York and he’s personally invited me to say. His family are in high places so they could help me when I graduate.”
“You’re throwing away the true spirit of Christmas just to hang around with some rich people!” She’s getting real pissed off now, like every time she’s on the phone with Francis pissed off. “Do you think you’re too good for your family now?”
“James isn’t just some rich person, he’s the best person I’ve ever met and you couldn’t even scrounge up enough money to get me a plane ticket so clearly you don’t want me home.” He bites back.
“So you have the money for New York but not to see your family?”
“I’m going where I’m wanted.” He hangs up the phone and wonders if this is what Francis felt like in military school.
–
New York is both busy and beautiful. They rush into taxis and shove themselves into busy subway stations. The museums are never ending and the plays are eye-catching. James’ apartment is something else, it’s bigger than the house he grew up in with every room leading to another room. James’ room is like the size of his house. He has a queen sized bed and playbills are pinned to the wall. There’s a spare room but Malcolm stays with James. They’re barely at the apartment anyways.
He buys one of those stupid ‘I heart New York’ t-shirts and thinks about how much he would hate those t-shirts years ago. They walk through central park holding hands, doing all the touristy bits that James usually rolls his eyes at. One night they even go to a gay club and kiss each other on the dance floor. Malcolm stops thinking, he lets himself be taken.
On Christmas day they wake up in each others arms.
“Merry Christmas Malcolm.”
“Merry Christmas James.”
There’s a family dinner, not as good as Reese’s cooking but still delicious, with turkey and gravy and enough potatoes to keep him stuffed for life. Malcolm makes sure that he doesn’t have as much food as everyone else as to not take advantage of their hospitality. Afterwards, he and James go on a walk in the snow. They head straight to the bedroom when they get home.
“Have you ever done it before?” James asks, no sign of judgement evident in his voice.
“No, have you?”
“A few times.”
It hurts yet it still feels good. Malcolm thinks that he’d let James take him everyday. He digs his hands into the bed and tries not to be as loud as he wants to be in courtesy of the other guests. It’s wet so they take a shower together afterwards and wash each other's bodies, touching everything. Malcolm presses James against the wall and kisses him under the burning water. He feels like he’s burning and it’s never felt so good.
New York is perfect, a place he’d like to live someday. This apartment is perfect and a place he’d love to afford to own. James is perfect and a guy he’d like to keep forever. His life is beginning to feel perfect. Life finally feels worth living. It takes a lot of courage to step on the plane and head home.
–
It’s when the next semester starts that something feels wrong. Where he doesn’t understand what he’s doing anymore and what this is. It doesn’t feel right to play with James’ heart when he doesn’t understand his own sexuality. There’s also the lingering thought that he’s finally moving up in the world and that comes with expectations.
If he’s going to be a scientist (not president, he certainly doesn’t want that job) with an ivy league background then people are going to look at him as the smartest person in the room. He - Malcolm Wilkerson - will be the subject of people's envy. And if the whole president thing does come true - no-one would ever vote for a gay president. The country cared too much for religion for it to be accepted.
Excluding James, people assume Malcolm is the kind of guy to settle down with a just as intelligent wife and have kids in some upper middle class house. Instead he’s in an unnamed relationship with a man and he’s dealing drugs. His mum would have a heart attack, probably turn purple as she screamed about him throwing his life away and then she’d get dad involved. Francis would also have something to say but Reese might see it as cool.
There’s a thought lingering, slithering in and out like a poisonous snake, that he’s fucked everything up. Today it’s more persistent than ever, persistent enough that as he lays in bed with James it bites him and has him scrambling up. James has one of those posh rooms with an en-suite so it only takes a second before he’s leaning in front of the toilet.
His knees dig into the tiles below, he thinks he can hear James run after him but he isn’t sure because he’s already retching. A hand is pulling his overgrown hair out of his face. The contents of the dining hall dinner rip his throat and faint tears begin to run down his eyes.
“You’re ok. You’re ok.” James repeats while stroking his hair.
“It’s not okay.” He manages to say, finally moving to sit on the bathroom floor. “James. I’m not gay.”
“That’s ok.”
“No, you don’t understand. I can’t be gay. I’m supposed to settle down with a woman and have kids. I’m supposed to raise my family out of poverty. I mean, what are we even doing?”
“We’re having fun. I’m not allowed to be gay either. If I don’t marry then I’ll get disowned. My family is one of the richest in America if they found out about my homosexuality we’d all be fucked.” James argues back, now looking like he’s the one about to throw up.
“Is this all nothing to you then?” He sobs out.
“No. You’re the one who said you’re not gay.”
“Being with you is the most fun I’ve ever had. I’ve never met anyone I’ve liked as much as you. I didn’t even understand why someone like you would want to be around me because I’m annoying and I always have to be better than everyone.” Malcolm wipes the tears from his eyes. “I love all the time we spend together.”
“I do like you and I don’t find you annoying or self-centered. This is Harvard, we’re all sort of like that. I’ve liked you since I brought your entire stash of weed and you looked at me with your eyes wide. I would love to call you my boyfriend.” It’s convincing enough for Malcolm to swoon.
“I do want to be your boyfriend.” Malcolm admits. “I don’t want us to live in secrecy all my life. I want us to be open.”
“Do you think I don’t also want that? I do, I’d love for it to happen but I’m alright with taking what I can get.” James curls Malcolm’s hair with his fingers. “Can’t you be alright with that?”
“I can try. For you.”
“No. For yourself.”
–
The journey to acceptance is a long one, he keeps close to James and begins to feel more comfortable with the whole romance of it all. He attends all his lectures and seminars and studies in the library and talks to people who aren’t James and makes actual friends. (He wasn’t even aware he could do that) He’s still drug dealing on occasion but being scared of who he is as a person is worse than the crime of giving people what they want.
As long as he doesn’t go down for said crime.
They sit near a tree outside, the wind softly blowing its air onto their faces. There’s food and he isn’t fighting to get a bite. He’s outside where anyone can see and still he lets his head fall onto James’ shoulder and he isn’t scared. And they hold hands when they walk back inside. Maybe he is gay, so what, it’s two thousand and eight and attitudes are changing.
—
“Malcolm,” He turns over and they’re softly looking at each other. “I love you.”
“What?” He sits up sort of panicked.
“I’m being serious. You don’t have to say anything back but I love you. I love everything about you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“You can not love me.” Malcolm replies. “I’m annoying and I complain about everything and I’m overly pretentious. I always have to be the smartest person in the room.”
“Everyone has their flaws. I barely ever shut up and I quote Shakespeare when I really shouldn’t. You still tolerate me so why shouldn’t I tolerate you?”
Malcolm is silent. “I love you. I’d like to be with you forever as well. I guess sometimes I don’t think I’m loveable.”
“Maybe you should speak to a psych student about that.”
“Shut your trap.” And he kisses James.
–
Malcolm applies to a paid internship over the summer, a good enough wage to live in a mouldy studio. It’ll still be better than the house he grew up in. He doesn’t actually expect to be accepted but he is. It’s in New Jersey so he moves to New Jersey and falls in love with the city of Newark. James visits a lot, working at his dads company which doesn’t mean much.
“You know James, who I went to New York with at Christmas?” He thinks he owes his family a reminder of his existence. Just so they know he’s alright.
“I’ve heard of him.”
“I want to let you know that I’m in a relationship with him. We’re boyfriends.” He confesses, it might be the hardest thing he’s ever done.
There’s silence over the phone. “Honey, I don’t care if you’re gay or not. I have things to tell you, I’m pregnant.”
“Are you serious, again? Can’t you just use a condom? You know you don’t have the money for more kids.” He freaks.
“I don’t know how you can pretend to act so bothered, you don’t even pretend to want to come home anymore. We’ve never been good enough for you anymore.” She shouts.
He could argue back, just a year ago he would argue back until his throat was raw but instead he puts the phone down and takes a deep breath. He’s not the lost adolescent who hates everything anymore. He’s not Francis, he doesn’t have to keep the hate. At least she was supportive about his relationship.
–
When people say ‘college will be the best time of your life’ they aren’t lying. He loves learning new things, likes his professors and he likes the romance that comes with it. Making too much noise in his dorm room and going to see all the plays because James is in them all. He never heads back home, instead he gets to see new states with James by his side. Money isn’t a worry. The drugs should be but he doesn’t think about that.
After his high school years of feeling angry and lost, he feels whole. He’s not ready to bite when someone says something that goes against his views nor does a deep insecurity follow him around. Life is finally good. He does see his family once more at his graduation, they clap and smile. It’s civil but nothing more. His mother is near labour. He hopes that she finally gets the daughter she wants.
He travels for a few weeks with James, buys things that he doesn’t really need and then makes his home at New York so they’re close. The first job he applies to accepts him, it’s six figures. As he looks out of the window and sees the skyscrapers he comes to the realisation that he’s made it.
It doesn’t end up being forever, it could be potentially but after Harvard they go their separate ways. They still talk on the phone constantly and make moves to see each other but it’s never going to be what it was. James marries a woman, she’s blonde and slim like a supermodel and she laughs a lot. Malcolm doesn’t go to the wedding but he gives James a goodbye kiss the week before. He meets a woman and marries her too. She looks a lot like James did when he played Lady Macbeth. He swears that it has nothing to do with his liking for her.
They drift apart.