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Cerise felt as if someone was telling a story, and she was one of the meaningless side characters - meant to observe in silence instead of taking part in what was happening around her. And unfortunately, whoever was telling the story either had a very mundane voice, or did not know how to talk fast.
Her fingers gripped the glass of her drink, as she watched the world move around her in slow motion. She could practically hear syllables being stretched and pages being slowly turned. Too slowly, for her taste. Then again, a lot of things were too slow for her.
She was leaning against a wall, content in her choice not to dance - her usual decision of occupying space in balls like this one. This time, however, she was alone. That didn't happen quite as often.
Maddie had dragged Raven off to join the twirling couples almost an hour ago, trying to get her to stop complaining about how much she'd wish she could dance with Dexter, but couldn't due to status. I mean, who'd have seen a son from the most beloved king dance with the daughter of an evil empress? It would be a scandal. Much bigger one than two girl friends entertaining each other, that's for sure.
Hunter has been by her side most of the night. Except that he, unlike Cerise, did have a person he'd like to dance with. And (just like Raven), was unable to, for similar reasons - except that Raven, at the very least, was royalty. He was just a son of a huntsman. But when his beloved had slipped out for "fresh air" he made sure Cerise was okay with him leaving (she was, how could she not be?) and joined Ashlynn outside, careful to avoid suspicion.
Cerise would be perfectly fine with people-watching the entire night, if she was being honest. She was comfortable in the gown she was wearing, she had champagne, and not being forced into company of some scummy prince she would rather stab than dance with was quite pleasant. She would be alright, maybe even better.
But then her gaze fell on familiar brown eyes, which were staring right back at her. Recognition bubbled in her chest as she watched the person she least expected to see here, walking towards her. Cerise's loneliness was about to end, and she couldn't dare complain as the one person she hadn't seen in so long and missed so much, closed her in a tight hug.
~~~
Cedar didn't change much - same curls, same smile, same eyes, same freckles. She was wearing purple, because of course she was, and her hair was let down. She looked stunning. Breathtaking, really.
It was hard, ignoring the familiar butterflies that fluttered in her stomach with every smile sent her since back when they were little girls. You would think that after years (oh god, years) of no contact her stomach would be left alone - or, at the very least would manage it better - but, clearly, the insects didn't think so. And the feeling of Cedar's arms around Cerise's neck certainly didn't help.
"What are you doing here?" hearing that delighted giggle was worth every dreaded day, every minute, every second of the wait.
"Fulfilling my duties as a duke's daughter" Cerise rolled her eyes with a dramatic huff "The real question is what are you doing here?" a huge grin painted her lips. They pulled out of the hug, but she held both of Cedar's hands, neither of them quite ready to let go just yet
"Well, it's not everyday that someone who isn't Briar throws a ball that us, lowly peasants, can attend" it takes Cedar a few minutes to hesitantly pull away, reaching over to where Cerise put down her champagne to grab another glass for herself
"And that was enough for you to escape the wooden prison with its never-resting guard?"
Both of them giggled at Cerise's way of describing Cedar's home life. Although pretty silly, it was an accurate statement.
"Papa is aware that I will not have many occasions like this in the future" she faltered a little, and took a sip of her drink to hide her frown
A comfortable silence fell between them, and Cerise once again remembered how much she had missed those upfront answers, honest and direct.
"Come on" she said finally "I know a certain balcony that needs to be danced at"
Cedar laughed, and held out a hand for Cerise to take "Lead the way, Red"
~~~
If you told Cerise a year ago that she would spend an entire day in her bedroom, struggling to write a love letter to the love of her life while two of her friends made no effort in helping her even though it was the reason they were there in the first place (not to mistake any of them for Raven, who, although sprawled on the wooden floor half-asleep proved to be better at advice than the other two combined), she would absolutely believe you.
If you'd say that the "love of her life" was Cedar, she would wholeheartedly agree. What she wouldn't believe though, was that there was an actual possibility of Cedar liking her back - if her most recent letter, that arrived just this morning and sounded almost like a love confession was any clue.
So, it was only fair that Cerise responded with an almost-love declaration of her own.
"Would "my dearest" be too much?" she asked as she chewed on the end of her quill, a nasty habit she picked up from Ramona when she was younger.
"Yes" Hunter said at the same time as Maddie yelled an overdone "No!" with her hand over her heart.
As expected, they immediately dive into a discussion about the subject. Raven groaned from the floor and put a pillow over her head, trying to muffle out the yelling about "being meant to be" and "you will see something like this will wreck a marriage in the future!"
Cerise wrote "my dearest."
"Okay, so now what?" she asked when she was done, looking down at her three friends.
"Now, you write how you feel!" despite the fact that it sounded like good advice, she was skeptical. Nothing good ever came out of Maddie's mouth
"That is stupid. How do you expect me to say this? "Dear Cedar, I have been madly in love with you longer than I knew how to write, and am desperately hoping you may somehow return those feelings of mine, no matter how unusual and ghastly they are, or else I fear I might burn myself out, for you are the only person I wish to ever feel like this about?""
"Yeah!"
"It sounds good, if you ask me."
"They are not ghastly!"
Cerise let out a loud groan. Why did she think it was a good idea? They were nowhere near as helpful as she had hoped, and she did not expect much.
Thinking that their presence could be anything, but distracting was ridiculous, and sounded like something she would come up with while trying to fall asleep. Ironically, during those times in bed when her head roamed free, she had more than enough to say about Cedar. Come to think of it, some of those things that crossed her mind in the darkness would be perfect to quote in a not-exactly-love letter.
With newfound determination, she began to write. With a structure of some kind in her mind, she found herself unfazed at the scene Maddie and Hunter were making.
Raven perked up from the floor, noticing what the other girl was doing and made her way up to the bed. She watched the lines form under Cerise's quill, bringing to life a creation that could only be described as beautiful.
"Nice work. She will like the part about her eyes, that's for sure" she complimented
That seemed to shake their friends out from their argument.
"What eyes?" Maddie jumped up and leaned over to watch Cerise write, and gasped when she read it all "That is incredible! Now I wish I had brown eyes, if only to be able to have them described like this."
"It is good" Hunter agreed, also watching her work "Why did you ask us for help if you're doing everything yourself?"
"Because I thought you would be actually helpful. Clearly, I was wrong" She could only be proud of herself. It would not take her long to manage in almost getting it completely done. That is, until her last challenge slapped her across the face and her confidence faltered. The wretched signature, something that was a thorn in her side ever since they began exchanging letters.
"You should sign it "yours forever." Cedar will appreciate it!" Maddie said gleefully
"Do not sign it "yours forever!" You will scare her away" Hunter protested even more energetically
"Well how do I sign it?" Cerise let out a groan. And here she thought the nightmare was over.
"Just your name should be fine" Raven must be her Guardian Angel "It's simple, but can be intimate if Cedar decides to view it that way - which she probably will."
Yes, alright. She could do this. It is not like Cedar hadn't written her just as a romantic letter as hers. It would be fine. Right?
~~~
Ramona was a lot of things. Untamed, unpredictable, unforgettable. A daughter, a cousin, a friend.
A sister.
She has been one her entire life, and the need to protect Cerise was imprinted in her blood, flowing through her vines, along the overwhelming urge to annoy her only sister.
So, it was only natural that her first instinct upon Cerise falling in love was making sure that she was treated right, and the object of her affections knew better than to try and hurt her.
The problem was, Ramona knew Cedar. Ever since her eyes fell on that little girl with leaves in her curls who smiled shyly and tightly held onto Cerise's hand, younger Ramona knew that the only person able to rival her protectiveness of Cedar would be Cerise herself. She wouldn't be able to look into those eyes and even utter a word about hurting without melting from the blinding ball of sunlight Cedar was made of.
There was nothing else for her to do but to worry, no matter how hard she refused to admit feeling something even in the slightest resemblance of anxiety.
Cerise knew it. Their parents knew it. Cedar knew it. Everyone knew it.
Which is why, when Cerise entered her bedroom to find there her sister, she knew what was coming. Now, don't get me wrong - it was not unusual for Ramona to be there (she spent most of her free days sprawled on Cerise's bedroom floor), but this time, not only was she sitting on a chair, she was also carving some symbols into her axe.
"Nice of you to show up"
"Don't start. I'm not in the mood"
"Well, I am, so you do not have much of a choice"
A sigh escaped her lips. Whenever her sister got worried about something, she tended to do everything she could to affect it in any way, push it in a direction she preferred. She would do anything to steer it off the course it was taking, so as to not let it affect her big, bad wolf persona she carefully crafted among the self-proclaimed people they were surrounded with.
"This is not going to end well. You know that, right?" Ramona asked, lifting her gaze from her handwork
Cerise didn't respond. She wasn't sure what she to say.
"Look. I do not want you to get hurt. You already took it hard when you two stopped speaking" she put down her axe "Most fairy tales end up badly. Especially ones about love"
"I will be fine, Mona"
"Sure you will. I mean, women marrying each other is a very usual performance." Ramona fiddled with her knife, a clear sign that her harsh words were out of worry and not anger or spite.
"Has happened before. It's not that unheard of."
That is, if you count a woman disguising herself as a man throughout the entire ceremony. But Cerise didn't say that.
"In this kingdom? Yes, it is. You will not be able to live like that as long as King Charming" she scoffed "is on the throne."
"He won't be for very long."
"And you think much will change because of that? Do not put hope in his children. Daring may not be as awful as he used to be, but old habits die hard."
"They still die, nonetheless."
"Cerise, I am serious. Hope is the mother of fools"
"Then I suppose I am one."
She knelt down and looked up at her sister. Here goes nothing, she supposed.
"I love her." Cerise stated firmly "I love her like the Sun loves the Moon, like mom loves dad, like sea loves land. I have loved her since I first saw her in that toy shop, and I have loved her when her father forced her away behind the closed doors of her house. We might not be able to marry each other, but that does not mean we have to live apart. I love her, and I will hope for a better future for us."
Ramona still looked skeptical, as if ready to disagree, but she let out a long sigh and got back to her work, casting one last worried glance at her sister. "Okay."
"Very well." Cerise's lips curled into a smirk "Since that is not a problem anymore, what do you say to our favorite competition?"
"I like the way you are thinking." Ramona's smirk matched her sister's "The first one in the garden gets to throw an axe first."
And so they ran.
~~~
Cerise found herself with two letters in her hands, unaware of how badly they will scar her as she slowly opens the bigger envelope.
It was from Sparrow, her all-time favorite cousin - last time they saw each other he told her how he had gotten from his mother their family ring, in order to encourage him to propose to someone, anyone. He wasn't happy about it, and Cerise tried to convince him not to go through with it, but neither of them had a choice in the matter. From what she'd gathered, his bride-to-be wasn't exactly thrilled about it either.
He'd written to let her know that he proposed and she had said yes. The sole knowledge that Sparrow got himself in such a horrible situation was enough to send Cerise into a nasty mood. She hated it when he was unhappy.
The other letter was from Cedar, and she hoped it would be enough to cheer her up at least a little bit. But as she read it, her frown only turned more sorrow, and her world shattered into pieces. By the time she'd have gotten to the signature, her eyes were already watery, much to confusion of her relatives. Had she been a bit more conscious of her surroundings, she would be entirely grateful her father wasn't home, or it might have ended up with someone dead. Her sister was already halfway through the dreadful letter, her expression somewhere between shock and fury, when Cerise let her tears fall onto her cheeks.
Cedar has found a betrothed.
It didn't matter how many times she apologized, how she had written "I love you" in every other sentence, how she kept saying that she didn't want that marriage. The only words clear from the blur of Cerise's tears were "to be married"
Somewhere between her uncontrollable sobs, her mother's fingers running through her hair soothingly and Ramona's arms wrapped around her tightly, Cerise came to a horrible realization - how big coincidence could it be, that both Cedar and Sparrow had gotten engaged at the same time?
The thought was so ridiculous she almost stopped crying, but she couldn't seem to get it out of her head, even when Raven showed up in her kitchen.
After a small discussion and several wiped tears, they decide on a walk, to get Cerise some much needed air, and she shares her concerns with her friend. Raven doesn't dismiss them, which is one of many great things about her. Instead, she agrees it can be a possibility and tries to find out how Cerise would want to act about it. Avoid them at all cost, is the conclusion.
Cerise doesn't know how long they have been out, or in which exact part of the market they find themselves on - all she knows is that it's as far away from a certain wooden toy shop as possible. Unfortunately, it does not achieve their goal.
With their lack of luck, they stumble right into Cedar. Her smile seems forced, and her ring finger is decorated with a heirloom Cerise knows all too well. Next to her stands Sparrow, whose smile is so bitter it makes her want to steal him away and hide him from the world.
To their even lesser luck, Cedar notices them. She takes a step towards them, desperation evident on her face. It makes the wound ache even more.
Raven casts one glance at Cerise, remembers their conclusion and pulls her into the nearest stand. The owner glares at them, but before he can start yelling the both of them are running away.
When they find themselves hiding behind someone's house, Cerise is out of breath and has never been more grateful that Raven Queen is her friend.
~~~
The wedding takes place less than three months later. Cerise doesn't attend.
She sends them flowers a day before, makes up an excuse about being sick and not being able to make it. She spends the entire time locked in her room.
Ramona spends it with her. At first, they lay in silence, but as Cerise finds it harder to try and hold in the sobs, it changes.
Instead of empty words and unfulfilled promises, Ramona reads to her, like she used to when they were little. It's familiar, and more comforting than anything else she could have tried. It does its purpose - curled up and tucked into her sister's side, Cerise doesn't cry.
Not long before the ceremony, Sparrow comes by, claims he was doing something nearby. Both sisters know that he's lying, but neither of them calls him out on it. He brings soup for Cerise, and they talk through her bedroom door - she says it's because she doesn't want him to get sick too, but she's actually afraid of what she might do if she saw him within an arm's reach. She sits by the door, resting her forehead against the cool wood. She knows he's doing the same - can hear his breathing even with a wall between. Ramona, although hesitant, gives them some privacy.
They talk and talk, and Cerise remembers, that before he was the love of her life's soon-to-be husband, before he was a man forced into marriage, he was her cousin. She remembers all the time they spent together, ever since they were old enough to be able to race each other. She remembers the little boy she shared food and slept in the same bed with
He sounds sad, and she guesses that so does she. Neither of them says anything about it. They don't talk about Cedar, either.
Hours pass by quickly, and he has to go - he leaves with a worried Ramona, who has no choice but to go, or else someone would grow suspicious.
It doesn't take long for her friends to show up. Maddie makes tea, and Raven manages to convince Hunter to stand on his head. He fails miserably, losing balance in seconds, and Cerise almost laughs. Out of them all, she's the only one to get an invitation to the wedding, but they don't seem to mind. Raven says that had she been invited, she would go just to curse out their entire bloodline, and this time Cerise actually laughs.
Ramona comes back earlier than expected. She doesn't snark at anyone, even Hunter. It's a clear sign of how bad the situation is. All four of them sleep with Cerise in her bed, and she's incredibly grateful for them.
She writes another letter, allowing them to read over her shoulder as she does so. When she's done, she puts it under her pillow, resting it next to her dagger.
Cedar doesn't visit.
~~~
It doesn't take her long to get engaged. It's a platonic agreement, made by two acquaintances who have nothing left to lose and suffer different kinds of the same heartbreak.
Daring is a good option. They have a similar place in the hierarchy, him higher maybe a notch or two, and people accept their union without hesitation.
They're comfortable around each other and she trusts him. He knows she loves someone else (whose gender he isn't aware of), and she knows he's also in love with someone. She even thinks she might know who, if the way he looks at the former royal advisor's daughter is any indication.
Her dress is decorated with red, and she focuses on the shades of her favorite color as she listens to the officiant. It doesn't take long for her gaze to wander.
Out of all the men standing beside Daring, Dexter is the only one she's met, remembered, and whose company she enjoyed. She doesn't recall most of the women on her part of the altar either. It's a little pathetic that there are only two that she knows; Apple, whom she met in passing, and Ramona (the only choice in the matter she was allowed to have). Cerise can feel her sister spiraling with anxiety.
She scans the crowd soon enough. Her mother and father, Maddie, Raven and Hunter, all watching her, each with a different kind of worry. Her great grandmother, even more people she doesn't know, some cousins, aunts and uncles, a few of royals the recalls hearing about.
Then, Sparrow comes into her sight. Even though his seat is pretty close, she feels as if there was an entire kingdom between them.
He looks just as good as she feels. He's wearing a pained expression, and there is a frown on his lips as he mouths "no" at her, over and over again, once he notices her looking at him. He looks so different than her beloved cousin, who was so full of life, laughter, and happiness. Cerise decides that she hates it.
As if on instinct, she looks over to the person sitting next to him, and her heart starts beating faster before sinking completely.
Cedar looks even more beautiful than she did the last time they saw each other. And just like then, she looks more scared than happy. She's fidgeting with her fingers, her eyes an unusual shade of red. Cerise's chest aches, both from longing and the knowledge that Cedar had been crying.
She is not fully there when she says "I do" and has the most loveless kiss she ever had.
She is not fully there when all guests congratulate her on her marriage.
And she does not know when they had gotten to the ballroom for dances and drinks.
Her ears ring and her head aches as she listens to the mindless chatter and the music. She and Ramona left their seats to join her friends. She's tucked in between her sister and Raven, both of them holding each of her hands, as Maddie and Hunter do their best to distract her, and it almost works.
Almost.
Once the celebration is over, she finds herself in his - theirs - chambers. Daring has run off to find Rosabella, and Cerise genuinely wished him luck before covering for him for the rest of the night. She keeps her fingers crossed the entire time, and truly hopes all goes well for them.
Thankfully, her little lie of him feeling unwell also saved them from having to spend their wedding night together. The sole thought of them having to do something so intimate in front of people makes her shudder with disgust. Not that their lack of company would change anything either - she wouldn't touch him or see him that way, ever, and she knows he feels the same.
She ends up spending the night by herself, and is perfectly fine with that. Her friends offered to join her, but she knew it wouldn't look good if anyone found out, especially with Hunter there present. Instead, she drinks a lot of water, takes off her wedding ring about a thousand times, almost throws it out the window due to a small wave of rage and helplessness, drinks more water, and burns the letter she had written to Cedar the night of her cousin's wedding.
She tells herself it was the last time she wrote something to Cedar, but she doesn't really believe it. She doesn't think she ever will.