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It was quiet.
Never silent, no, not in SteppeClan territory. Not with the wind or the distant call of birds or the sound of paws racing through grass or the faint chattering of clanmates. All the little sounds one learns to tune out after awhile, all the little sounds still playing in the very far distance even now.
But it is quiet now, with you tucked among the tall grass and gingerly prodding at a bundle of broomweed and a total lack of dark mass nestled among your fur.
It is just as well, really. You're not entirely sure where your familiar has decided to spend the day, but you are grateful that he didn't chose to spend it with you. He would scold you for it, you're sure, and with that what you're doing would become all too real.
But he isn't here, and he's not, and so you can continue in that strange inbetween.
Your eyes flick to the valley below at a brief peal of laughter, a cheer at a move mastered. They land on the pale pelt of your sister as she dances and weaves around Merlinpaw. You think she might be smiling. You can't see her from here, not with your abyssmal eyesight, but you remember her dancing when you were all fresh out of the nursery. She had the biggest grin on her face then.
You feel kind of pathetic.
You remember a time your litter was thick as thieves, far back before Dragonchoir was any more than a word. You remember long games of tag until the three of you inevitably wore yourselves out, collapsing in a pile of limbs to nap, uncaring of the fact you were in the middle of camp.
You remember Pallidkit and Kitekit in the corner of your sight, so clearly trying not to laugh as your poor, poor mother tried to drag you away from the allure of the Everfire for the third time that day.
You remember being older, a brief meal exchanged just outside the covenburrow before the three of you would be forced to seperate again, new responsibilities on your back.
No, it's not that you felt pathetic, it's that you are pathetic. The three of you had been so very close, and now you were hiding just to watch her at ease. It was your fault, you know, that every interaction between you two ended with watering eyes and heacy hearts. Your fault, that she went into every conversation like it was a battle she'd have to be ready to shield herself from.
Your family is broken in a way impossible to ignore and though it might not have been your fault it is your rot that stops it from scabbing over.
The dancing figure below nearly trips over her own paws as she comes to a sudden stop, head whirling to lock onto your lackluster hiding spot.
Your eyesight might be bad but even you can see the way tension bleeds into what was limber mere seconds ago, even as you reach down to gingerly pick up the herbs you had been using as an excuse to linger.
The valley is still as you hop down from the slight hill and back to camp, though you can hear the lesson starting back up behind you.
You have a dream, sometimes.
In the dream the three of you remained close. You became paws and made sure to spend time together no matter how busy your day. You listen to Pallidpaw brag about the praise she had gotten on a new routine and you listen to Kitepaw muse about the fighting move he was so close to perfecting and in turn they listen to you complain about the stupidest injury you had been forced to help heal. You get your full names - some moons apart - and you celebrate your achievments together.
Your sister gets a mate and after that comes Merlinkit and Sakerkit, and she tracks you and Kitewing down every so often to ask the two of you to babysit while her and Paradisechaser go hunting and neither of you ever say no. Merlinkit and Sakerkit become paws under Pallidhymn and you and for every interaction after that the first 5 minutes are always back and forth brags about how well their doing.
And maybe your mother looks at all of you with nothing but pride even as she grows old and maybe your father is there sharing embarrasing stories about your kithood exploits.
In the dream you are all happy and content and nothing goes wrong, and when you wake up you feel just a little but emptier for it.