Work Text:
Ilya loves Shane with his whole fucking heart and that's why he was in the kitchen cutting up apple slices for him and arranging them neatly on a small plate alongside a giant dollop of peanut butter. Well, usually it would be a giant dollop. Today it was more like a baby dollop. They'd run out and would have to buy more on their next grocery run.
Ilya quickly walked over to the fridge and added peanut butter to the shopping list they always had stuck to the surface by a fridge magnet. Ilya smiled at the magnet, a silly little thing in the shape of Florida. Shane had bought it for their home on a whim the first time they had a game together there playing for the Ottawa Centaurs, a reminder of one of the places where things had really changed between them. It had felt like a weird full circle moment being back there playing for the same team like they had for that All Star Game, except now everyone knew about them and they didn't have to hide anymore and they were husbands and they didn't have to sneak into each other's hotel room because they only had one room booked to share in the first place.
It had been a little uncomfortable in all honesty. It was still early in their tenure playing for the same team and as an out, happily married couple. Ilya had been feeling a little insecure, especially with all the eyes on them. He didn't care what anyone thought of them himself, Ilya was as happy as can be, but he knew Shane was still struggling and Ilya worried about doing too much. Shane was stiff as a board, his shoulders tense and looking like he was ready to bolt at any second. Ilya wanted nothing more than to hold Shane's hand and hug him and kiss him, he didn't care about all these people and their stupid opinions when he was so in love, but he could tell Shane was uncomfortable and he was scared he would push him too much so he kept his hands to himself, resigned to just bump shoulders together every now and then.
Even when the Centaurs won the game, they hugged only briefly before celebrating with the rest of the team. Ilya even got a little jealous because Shane had hugged Haas for 0.5 seconds longer than he'd hugged Ilya. First of all, Ilya deserved the longest hugs from his husband, and second of all, he thought he was Haas' favourite. The injustice of it all had unsettled him, so much so he'd only had sex with Shane once that night and it had been desperate and needy.
They didn't have a flight back until late afternoon the next day so they hadn't set an alarm, opting to sleep in, in the morning, but when Ilya woke up Shane was gone. Ilya had panicked, overcome by the sudden thought that Shane had left him for good and was spiralling in bed when Shane let himself back into the room 15 minutes later.
"Shane! I thought..." Ilya started as he sat up in bed only to have a McDonalds bag thrust at him.
"Brought you breakfast. You seemed off yesterday so I got you a McGriddle," Shane said with a frown on his face. "I feel gross just touching the bag alone, I hope you know that. I need to wash my hands, I can literally feel grease on them somehow."
Shane had made to get up but Ilya thrust his hand out and grabbed his wrist. "Shane."
"Oh! Wait, look I got us this as well," Shane said rummaging around in his pocket to pull out a magnet that looked like the state of Florida with the names of a few significant cities, including Tampa, and images of various things like palm trees and alligators. "It's kind of ugly but I thought we could put it on the fridge at home. I came out to you as gay here," Shane said snorting, finding humour in it now all these years later.
Ilya's eyes teared up, not just at the memory of that night where something had changed between them out loud, but at the way Shane loved him even now, enough to get him a McGriddle.
"I...I thought you left..." Ilya said, his voice a little broken.
Shane stared back at him suddenly distraught. "What? I would never leave you. And you're not allowed to leave me. I kinda made you sign this whole contract about that, you know our marriage certificate."
Ilya smiled through the sudden wave of emotions. "Oh yes. That thing. I remember."
-
Ilya brought the little snack plate over to the couch where Shane was waiting for him with a movie paused.
Shane still struggled with food sometimes. He was a lot better than he used to be but some periods were harder than others. During playoffs Shane always got stricter with his regimen, especially his diet.
One night when discussing how Ilya's therapy sessions were going, Ilya had subtly tried to ask Shane if he would ever consider therapy himself. Shane used his scrunched confusion face at that, asking what Shane had to go to therapy for to which Ilya had stared at him. Shane had gotten mad when Ilya didn't say anything and eventually threatened to make him sleep on the couch if he didn't answer, therefore forcing Ilya to finally mention something about Shane's eating habits and not in the usual teasing tone he often used around the subject. In the end Shane had made Ilya sleep on the couch after all, getting mad at him as Shane didn't see a problem with his diet, especially as it wasn't as bad as it used to be and all he was doing was eating healthy.
Shane really had gotten better over the last couple years, but Ilya didn't see why it could hurt to actually address the problem. He had been a little reluctant himself to face his own depression and it had been hard to talk about it in the beginning, but over time the therapy had made him feel so much lighter and unburdened, and now he often caught his triggers before they could actually bite. He just wanted Shane to feel more unburdened as well.
But, since that conversation Shane actually did start to take a more intentional look at his behaviours around food. He didn't go to therapy, but he and Ilya had had a serious discussion the next day about keeping an eye on things and they'd been working hard to catch those moments where certain foods became more complicated for Shane than should be.
Now, it's not like Ilya thought Shane should be shoving his face with every sweet treat within reaching distance as Ilya often did, even if Shane definitely worked out enough to burn those calories. They probably weren't good for his heart and Ilya very much wanted Shane to have a nice, healthy, beating heart that kept him alive and breathing for a long time yet.
Ilya didn't care so much about things like that for himself though. Probably another thing he should address at therapy actually, but he had already been damaging his lungs for years with his smoking habits and his childhood hadn't exactly been indulgent. Especially after his mother's death, there weren't exactly any simple pleasures like sugar in his home, as if his dad would think to add candy to the grocery lists, so he liked to indulge in sugar and grease and chips and endless cans of coke now as an adult. It was a weird way of healing his inner child who had been forced to grow up far too early. The child who sought out comfort in other's bodies too young because it was the only way to make his own body feel alive again, to feel warm skin and a see a heaving chest breathing with life, enough to mask the cold, still, feeling of his mother's lifeless body that he always felt under his palms otherwise.
Ilya didn't need other bodies now though, because he had Shane and he didn't need Shane to make him forget or distract him from anything. It was the rest of his life that was a distraction from Shane in fact.
And personally he thought Shane deserved to indulge at least a little. He knew he was never going to get Shane to sit there and share a whole tub of ice cream with him, but he'd been testing out different 'healthy' sweet treats that Shane might actually let himself have, and the apple slices and peanut butter had been the one to do the trick. So once or twice a week, when the couple could have a night in together alone in their house lounging on the couch with a mindless movie playing on the TV, Ilya would make Shane a little snack plate after dinner as a dessert.
Shane would happily snuggle into Ilya's side, slowly making his way through all the apple slices as the movie played, occasionally dipping some of the pieces into the peanut butter. He never ever finished the dollop of peanut butter, but that was fine. Ilya was happy he would at least have some of it and besides, it meant Ilya could dip his fingers into the rest and finish it off for Shane. Ilya would never complain about a little peanut butter for himself.
Tonight's dollop of peanut butter really was rather meagre though. Shane probably wouldn't mind. Ilya was always a little worried that he made Shane feel pressured into eating more than he wanted. Pressure wasn't exactly Ilya's goal, his aim was more like gentle enthusiastic encouragement. But no, Ilya was more so disappointed that he likely wouldn't get any leftover peanut butter tonight himself. He'd have to make do and have a second bowl of ice cream a little later on. He was busy trying to figure out if it was better to sneak it in when Shane went to bed so he wouldn't get mad at him, when Shane spoke.
"Why is there like no peanut butter?" Shane asked when he finally took a look at the plate in his hand.
“Ran out. I added to shopping list, do not worry.”
Shane pouted, which made Ilya a little bit happy. Maybe Shane had been looking forward to his peanut butter and was well on his way to having a sweet tooth just like Ilya. Ilya almost snorted at the thought of such an unlikely possibility.
As usual Shane snuggled into Ilya’s side as they started the movie and occasionally reached for his apple slices. Ilya always kept an eye on Shane, pretty much whatever they were doing, because he loved having eyes on his husband, but he was frowning tonight as he watched Shane. The peanut butter had gone mostly untouched. It was such a small amount that Ilya was sure Shane would actually finish it tonight, so he was growing a little worried. Maybe Shane was having an off day with his food again, he wasn't sure. He'd seemed fine throughout the day.
Half way through the movie, Shane handed over the plate, empty of apple slices but still with some leftover peanut butter, for Ilya to put away, as was their custom. Ilya's favourite thing was doting on his husband, but he really was unhappy tonight about this peanut butter situation.
"Shane, you did not finish your peanut butter. Is everything alright? You still like peanut butter, yes?" Ilya asked.
"Oh yeah of course. It's for you," Shane replied just nodding at the plate.
"For me?" Ilya asked confused.
"Yeah. I mean I always leave you a little. I know you like finishing it."
Ilya's brain was about to explode.
"What do you mean? I thought you never finished it because it made you feel bad..."
"Oh. Well in the beginning yeah I think so. I don't think I would mind finishing it these days though, but I saw how much you like having a little yourself so I just started always saving you some," Shane said with a shrug as if it were the most casual thing in the world. Ilya felt like his heart was going to fall out of his chest.
He dipped his finger into the leftover peanut butter to finish it off and then he quickly grabbed Shane's head, attacking his face with his mouth and running his hands through his hair.
"Ilya! You're going to get peanut butter in my hair, what the fuck!"
"It's fine Shane," Ilya said with an adoring smile as he took in his sweet husband that he loved so much and seemed to always love him back in all these small ways.
"No. It is not."
"Yes. It is," Ilya supplied in a softer tone. "Because I am going to fuck you until you are dripping sweat and then we will shower. Okay."
"Oh... yeah. Okay."
-
Later, when they were lying in bed, showered and hair still a little wet, Ilya placed his hand over Shane's chest so he could feel the rise and fall of his lungs as he slept. Still breathing. Still very much alive and safe in Ilya's loving arms.