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Dear Diary,
Two transfer students joined our classes with Professor Anaxa today; Phainon and Castorice. Phainon is a funny guy who gets along well with pretty much everyone, kind of like your typical popular guy. He seemed to share a casual friendship with Castorice as well. I think he took a liking to Professor Anaxa, managing to get under his skin with his jokes and creative answers. He is fun, I hope to spend more time with him!
As for Castorice… She is quite timid and nice; but also breathtakingly beautiful. I don’t think I have ever seen a prettier woman before nor can I ever see one. Her voice is so shy yet so nice… I wish she talked more. When Phainon cracked a joke, I heard her giggle. It felt like an angel was blessing my ears…She called me miss but I insisted she address me by my name. I would feel lacking if she didn’t feel comfortable enough around me to drop honorifics. Though I would also be lying if I said I didn’t find how shy she is cute… I want to get close to her.
When I first met him, I had seen a gleam in Professor Anaxa’s eyes upon our first conversation. Now, I saw the same sparkle when he talked to Castorice and Phainon. After the lessons, he told me they had a lot of potential and that I would be seeing them frequently. I’m glad those two can bring his spark back! As much as I try to reduce his loneliness, I also get busy, leaving him to spend most of his day on his own… I really wish I could do more for him. However, I have a feeling those two will become dear companions to him! I just hope they won’t leave him after graduation…
Well, that’s pretty much it for today! I was quite busy with the lessons and studied afterwards in the library. Ah, I almost forgot to mention! Castorice was there too, reading a book in a secluded corner. I wanted to sit with her but she looked too immersed so I didn’t want to bother her. Hopefully I will join her next time.
Good night!
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Dear Diary,
Another week, another fresh start!
Castorice and Phainon have been adapting very well. Phainon makes us all (yes, even Professor Anaxa as he tries to cover it) laugh a lot. Surprisingly, despite the ‘‘class clown’’ jokes, he is so sharp. It’s been rare to see him serious but honestly I prefer it that way, what’s better than sharing laughter? We have spent a lot of time together in the past week, he even invited me out for a group study during the weekend! Professor Anaxa said he was busy, yet I sensed he would have accepted if not for his workload. I will do my best to decrease it so we can all hang out together!
Castorice on the other hand is still shy… However, she does not reject me. I honestly feel like I have been too fixated on her, I feel a little conscious about it since I have only known her for seven days… Yet when she smiles at me, I find myself stopping for a second; when she talks, I want to give my undivided attention to her. I wish to learn more about her. Of course I want to get to know Phainon as well but with Castorice, it’s different. I don’t want to only have fun with her. I wish to keep seeing her adorable face and have her tell me about whatever she wants in that angelic voice…
I think I have a little crush on her. I feel a bit guilty about it because she should not be burdened with my feelings. I will not approach her with any romantic intentions, all is well as long as it remains a silly crush!
Exams are in a month from now. I have been spending most of my time in the library. Honestly, it can get quite suffocating to sit down in a hard chair for hours, having to read books and take notes. Despite loving what I work towards, I’m only human too. I want the exam season to be over so I can sleep for hours without hearing the dreadful sound of my alarm… Though of course, I don’t neglect taking care of myself!
Actually, there is one more thing I wish to tell you… Not to look obsessed but recently, when I look up from my books, seeing Castorice so focused on her notes… It's motivating! She bites on her lips and lipstick gets a bit messy, it’s adorable!
She warms my heart. However, I must not get ahead of myself. So I will warm my body in my bed instead.
Good night!
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Dear Diary,
I developed a crush too fast.
If I am going to be honest, I am jealous of Phainon. Castorice clearly feels more comfortable with him than she does with me, I can’t even blame her. I am even more jealous of that Aglaea they speak of. From what I have understood, those three are pretty close. Castorice mentions how she used to bathe with that woman in the hot springs, how Aglaea made her clothes, did her hair… I smile at her as she talks, I truly am happy that she has someone she can rely on and cherishes so dearly. Yet, I can not stop the growing ache in my heart while she talks. It gets hard to breathe.
I have never felt such jealousy before, it feels awful. Someone as beautiful as Castorice - both inside and outside - does not deserve hidden envy when she talks about a close friend. I wish her gentle smile would erase my guilt rather than amplify it…
Exams start tomorrow. It has become so hard to focus on the words when my brain keeps thinking about her pretty face, cute mannerisms and soothing voice… Yet I try my best. As a nursing student, I know better than most people how crucial it is to take it easy. I still drink enough water and get proper nutrition alongside my morning walks. When it comes to sleeping however, I struggle with wanting to stay awake just a bit longer to think about Castorice. I wish I could include our teacher and Phainon to those daydreams as well.
I think Professor Anaxa has noticed. Before I was about to leave his office after helping him, he put his hand on my shoulder while telling me to take things easy. I told him he could tell me if he needed further help; instead, he smiled at me and warned not to make Castorice wait despite Phainon being with her as well.
We never needed exclusive words to stay by each other’s side, I understood after he started bringing me take out coffee alongside his every morning. Yes, he is indeed strict as well as eccentric; though that has never stopped me from viewing him as my closest friend. I think he enjoys it too, a young professor like him doesn’t exactly get along with the older folk. Even so, I wish to keep my crush hidden from him. I know he will start viewing me and Castorice in a different light. My sadness will be a burden on his already busy mind - what if it subconsciously influences him to view Castorice negatively? How I wish I could hide it from him. But for now, I have to focus on my studies. I’ll get back my energy afterwards.
Good night!
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Dear Diary,
Getting jealous is no longer the only time I feel my breath restricted. There is a pain in my lungs every time I think about Castorice or focus on her when she is by my side. I haven’t gotten to see her and Phainon often either, since we are all in different majors. I suppose literature majors like her have it easier than nursing but I would never want to undermine her stress! She hasn’t raised her head from books all week long, I miss seeing her expressive eyes… I’m getting distracted!
It feels as if there is a knife inside my lungs, making me cough. I have not been able to identify what illness it may be or how I may have gotten it yet. It is inconvenient that this is during exams, I haven’t found the time to look into it more. The campus nurse told me everything was fine. The strangest part is that it only happens when related to Castorice, I’m starting to think it may be mental. My crush blooming into love has been heavier than I expected. Nevertheless, as much as it hurts, the warm sensation in my chest overshadows the pain. Castorice is the most beautiful soul who is worth all the love I could give.
I can’t write any longer, I have to keep studying. At least exams will be over soon.
Good night!
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Dear Diary,
Castorice likes flowers. She asked me to visit the botanic garden of the campus. Just the two of us, when Phainon was talking to Professor Anaxa. I am elated that she is now taking steps towards me as well. I learned her favorite is stock flowers. She explained they symbolise a happy life and contended existence due to their spicy scent and long-lasting blooms. When I told her my favorite was purple hyacinths, she did not ask me the meaning but put her hand over mine with a shy smile. I coughed.
We later spent the rest of the evening in the garden, talking about flowers. In fact, we even forgot we were supposed to meet with the other two to celebrate our final exam, which happened to be Professor Anaxa’s! Phainon, however, didn’t accept our apology; instead, he winked at us. I hope he doesn’t catch up on my feelings…
The exams went well, my hard work paid off. I will look into what is going on with me tomorrow. But tonight, I want to feel my emotions to its fullest as if they don’t cause an illness.
I have learned that love is as selfish as it is selfless. It wants to receive an equal amount it gives no matter how much you want to put the other person first. It requires you to love yourself to be able to love the other. I want Castorice to love me as much as I love her. She is only a couple rooms away in the dormitory. She would open her door for me if I knocked. I wish to cry out my feelings to her, yet I won’t. Because while attraction is uncontrollable, actions are not. I can not bring myself to burden her.
Good night.
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Dear Diary,
A lot has happened. Earlier this evening, Professor Anaxa called me over to his house for our weekly tea party as usual. As we were talking, the conversation drifted off to Phainon and Castorice. Upon the moment I imagined her, I started coughing uncontrollably. Small petals fell to my hands, a combination of hyacinths and stock flowers. I felt as if fate was playing a cruel trick on me by giving hallucinations. Alas, I had to face reality when Anaxa rushed to my side.
After I calmed down, he looked me in the eyes and told me he had known about my crush on Castorice for a while. I could only nod, I should have known I wouldn’t be able to hide from my closest friend. He handed me a tissue while picking up the flowers to throw them out. ‘‘Hanahaki disease,’’ he told me. Apparently it was the result of unrequited love, causing flowers to grow inside your longs, getting bigger until they suffocate the person to death.
I asked him why the nurse didn’t notice anything if that was the case; being told mine seems to be recently developing. I had never seen Anaxa lose his composure to worry before. Though, a lot of things have their first. He explained I either have to get them surgically removed or have my love reciprocated before it becomes fatal. In his eyes, I could see he preferred the former option. I don’t remember experiencing such fear until that moment.
He told me to only focus on resting for the rest of the weekend until he visited me. Did he not guess I wouldn’t be able to?
I am scared for my life. I don’t want to die before I live. I don’t know what to think or feel. How could a beautiful smile become lethal in three months?
Good night. I hope I can continue waking up.
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Dear Diary,
On Sunday night, Professor Anaxa visited my dorm. I had tried to take his advice of resting for the weekend but it ended up with me not even being able to get out of bed, sleeping for hours on end. He came with a box of cupcakes, his way of trying to cheer me up. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Castorice loved cupcakes too, but I think my coughs gave me away.
After a long silence, he told me if I wanted to get the surgery done, he could help me find the doctor for it; however, I also learned that if I proceeded, I would lose my love for my beloved as well. I had guessed as much.
Love truly is as selfish as it is selfless. I feel conflicted. Over the past few months, I have felt such tenderness and softness that could never be replicated with anyone else in another way. All my standards have been set to Castorice - I don’t ever want to fall in love with anyone else. I want to keep experiencing this warmth; even if from afar, even if it hurts. This affection urges me to try to express it to her as much as possible. I want Castorice to receive all the love I can offer, much as it pains me to be friends rather than lovers. I don’t want to give up on her.
But my life stands on the line, on the other hand. I don’t know if Castorice is capable of reciprocating in the future. She could even already have a partner I am not aware of. No matter what my decision will be, she should not be burdened. Her gentle heart should not have to carry the weight of something she did not ask for.
I told Anaxa I don’t know.
Good night.
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Dear Diary,
It’s been six months. My condition has progressively worsened, seeing Castorice has become hard. When I look at her face, I imagine the amount of guilt she would feel if she knew. Besides, it's hard to keep the coughs in. Today, however, I couldn’t hold myself back, accepting her invitation to visit the botanic garden.
She is concerned about how I have been around less and less. I don’t like hiding this - or anything, actually - from her. Being cared for by Castorice spread a warmth through my chest before it quickly turned into a concealed cough. I am unable to spend long periods of time near her if there is no way for me to hide the petals without her noticing. I miss her even though she is only a few steps away.
We talked about flowers again, I asked if her favorite had changed. She told me it is still stock flowers; however, that she had been taking care of hyacinths ever since our conversation.
Before I knew it, I embraced her with tears in my eyes. It was our first physical contact if some touches on the arms aren't counted. Her hug, even if a little timid, reminded me what I was experiencing all this pain for. I felt like I belonged in her arms while desperately wishing she would one day feel the same. It made things a little better even when the disease reminded itself.
Good night!
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Dear Diary,
Phainon invited me out in the evening without Castorice. It was quite normal at first, we talked in the same way we do when others are present. He is a good and caring friend. If only I could enjoy his company without hidden resentment. I truly feel awkward to experience jealousy behind my friend’s back.
On our way back to the campus, he wanted to stop by a park near the beach during sunset. I followed his silence until he turned to me with a smile and a ‘’I know.’’ Before I could ask what, he told me he had been aware of my crush on Castorice since the beginning. He truly is as perceptive as Professor Anaxa had observed. I wonder if he told him anything. The fatality of the situation might have caused him to act against my desires. I would not blame him.
I wanted to deny, though I knew there was no use in doing so. The coughs and fallen petals spoke up for me. Phainon put his hand over my shoulder, telling me there was still hope for me. I do not know what he meant if it was Anaxa who drew him to talk to me; or wanting to care for his best friend Castorice. Perhaps my emotions are trying to distract me from my mind's pressure for a decision by asking meaningless questions.
He bought me coffee before we parted, his treat. This time, I am sure it was to aid me in staying asleep while urging me to decide.
Good night.
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Dear Diary,
I am coughing up blood and breathing is extremely difficult. I can’t even go to the doctor; thankfully, Anaxa has helped me request a leave of absence. I have been staying over at his house ever since he first found me coughing blood, a friend of his comes to check up on me. I am guessing he is also the doctor capable of performing the surgery.
Castorice and Phainon try visiting me every day but he doesn’t let them see me. I cough more when I imagine Castorice’s expression. How I wish she would take care of me like I once did when she got the flu… Being separated from her pains me more than I can ever express. I don’t even have the motivation to write when I can’t even go on a walk.
While trying to protect her from the pain, I ended up hurting her. She doesn't deserve this. Anaxa tells me I don’t either and I would like to agree. Even if my love will never be reciprocated, I could at least be there for Castorice as a friend.
I still smile at the thought of her as I cry.
I want to wake up tomorrow.
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Dear Diary,
Valentine’s Day is coming up. Do I even have to tell you that I long to celebrate it with Castorice? I suppose if I could have one last wish, it would be to be Castorice's girlfriend for the day and experience the world normally once more.
We humans always want the impossible. Even when I started nursing, I knew no amount of effort could defy death even if it was prolonged. Nothingness is not exactly a relief when you want everything.
Good night.
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Dear Diary,
Almost a year has passed. Deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide from Castorice forever. Apparently Professor Anaxa told her about my illness. I suppose he wanted her to convince me to get the surgery.
Castorice has always loved me. She came to Anaxa’s house while he was away, rushing to the guest room. She cried into my neck as I tried to hold her. I wanted to close my eyes to cherish her hand on my hair but it was quickly interrupted by blood. I saw the same fear in her eyes I had felt months ago.
In between apologies, she kissed me. As gentle as an angel, I felt the thorns disappear as if they were never there.
I always dreamt about writing about this moment ever since I was told it was one of the two cures. However, my pen fails me at this moment. I can only say I feel too giddy to keep the pen straight.
Words fail to convey how happy I am to be able to breathe in my girlfriend’s scent on Valentine’s Day. But actions can. We made chocolate together, took a walk in the botanic garden and held each other. Everything I have hopelessly yearned for is now mine. I will write more in detail another day. I can’t make her wait any longer to cuddle me to sleep!
Good night! To happier tomorrows!