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“...Bartholomew. As a fellow man of culture, let me give you some real-talk. That right there? That’s a hard pass even for me, my dude.”
In the Chaldea hallway, Blackbeard stared at the `Improved Both-Eyes-Hidden Wig’held out by Bartholomew. His expression was uncharacteristically deadpan, and he had pointedly taken several steps back.
“Oh? Blackbeard. I expected a man of your caliber to understand the ‘nutrients only obtainable from a concealed gaze.’ Has the rum dulled your aesthetic senses?”
“No, absolutely not! Look, I’m an all-inclusive type who celebrates the cuteness of all 2D waifus and IRL girls! But you? You’re just a straight-up obsessed freak for one specific part... Basically, a bangs-stalker! You don’t back down even after getting blasted by a Command Spell. Year after year, you get punished and yet you keep targeting Master-shi? My dude, that is a massive L for compliance! You’re being cancelled, FR FR!”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. Though, ‘stalker’ is a bit uncalled for. I simply wish to awaken the hidden potential for mekakure that slumbers within the Master.”
In the center of the two pirates' (incredibly low-level) argument, Fujimaru Ritsuka stood clutching the wig box, a hollow smile plastered on her face.
“Wow, Bartholomew... you’re actually making Blackbeard uncomfortable. That’s a new low,” Ritsuka muttered.
“Senpai, let’s evacuate immediately. Continued exposure to these weird radio waves is detrimental to our mental health.”
Mash held Ritsuka’s shoulder, trying to subtly lead her away. However, Bartholomew’s mekakure-sensor did not miss the exquisite curve of Mash’s bangs.
“Ah, Mash, don’t run away. The way your bangs swayed just now as you worried for the Master... Truly, the fluctuation of a Guardian! Magnificent! A perfect Golden Ratio—!”
“Mr. Robarts. I will hit you with my shield.”
“Hahaha! Harsh as always! But the moment that cold gaze pierces through your bangs... that is what truly sets my heart ablaze!”
The man was powerful. Because he operated solely on the axis of "does this fit my aesthetic?", the sheer awkwardness of everyone around him served only as fuel for his engine.
Just as Bartholomew’s interest was about to fully shift to Mash, a massive shadow lunged from behind and locked him in a full-nelson.
“...Master-shi, Mash-shi! Escape while you can, go go go! I’ll hold back this mekakure hype-train! While I’ve got him, tell Da Vinci-shi to seal this cursed wig in the deepest level of the vaults!”
“Blackbeard...! This is the first time you’ve actually looked cool!”
“Heh... It’s just not in my nature to let a lady cry. ...Now listen up, you Trash-Tier Roberts! If you wanna chase after Master-shi, you’re gonna have to sit through three hours of me talking about my Top Tier Oshi first, you scrub!”
“Calling the handsome pirate recognized by men, women, and history alike 'trash'? Fine then, Beard. I’ll overwrite your shallow aesthetic with my philosophy of the concealed eye.”
While the two pirates engaged in a rapid-fire geek debate (interspersed with the occasional sound of gunfire), Ritsuka and Mash sprinted away.
“Whew... Thanks, Mash. Since Bartholomew—the guy who usually has zero interest in romance—accepted that chocolate so excitedly, I figured he was up to something. I can’t believe he used it as an excuse to try and turn me into a mekakure character again. And an 'improved' version, no less...”
“...Senpai. I don’t want to be rude, but I honestly cannot keep up with Mr. Robarts' 'aesthetics'.”“If it weren't for that, he’d be such a kind, gentlemanly person...”
Mash sighed. Ritsuka gave a wry laugh, patting her shoulder.
“Yeah... But in a way, it’s almost impressive how he stays so true to himself. I mean, I definitely don't want to copy him, though.”
From far down the hallway, the utterly fruitless shouting continued to echo through Chaldea.
“The ennui created by the shadow of a hidden eye is—!”
“Shut the hell up! Stop being a public nuisance and go back to the bottom of the waters of the Gulf of Guinea already! Oh wait, it’s February, isn't it? LOL!”
“I don't want to hear that from a headless freak like you! Why don't you go back to being a royal navy's hood ornament!”