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Fabian had a knack for gift-giving; it was why it was his love language, after all. He loved seeing the elation on his loved ones’ faces when presented with that perfect item, the way their faces exploded with joy and he could tell that he'd really made their day. He had already signed up his best friend for a ‘Bean of the Month’ club for his birthday, and now for the Moonar Yulenear he had gotten the coffee fiend the second half of the present: a state-of-the-art coffee machine.
Its body was sleek and refined, shining a brilliant gray with glossy silver buttons that gleamed like eyes. The Espresso Max Instant 1.γ coffee machine, complete with whisper-quiet bean grinder, insta-boil water reservoir, auto-brew feature, self-cleaning system, and digital display.
“Fabian,” gasped Riz as he unwrapped his gift, “she's perfect!”
Fabian prided himself on giving something that Riz had fallen in love with at first sight and slightly preened as Riz gushed over the gift.
“I’m going to try her out right now!” he announced, pulling the machine out of the box and hurrying over to his kitchen counter where he set it up.
<Hello! How have you bean?> scrolled across the digital screen when he powered it on. Riz barked a laugh.
“Fabian! Look at what she says! ‘How have you bean?’! Because it’s a coffee bean! Oh man, this is great!”
“I’m glad you like it, The Ball.”
“Like it? I’m in love! I can’t wait to see what Emily’s coffee tastes like!”
“‘Emily?’”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m going to call her! Do you want the first cup?” he asked, pulling out two mugs from his cupboard.
“Oh, no, you should be the first, The Ball. I’ll wait.”
Riz nodded, placed down his mug, filled the reservoir, and selected a dark roast. He placed the beans in the hopper and pressed a button. Like magic, the beans instantly reduced to find grinds and the water reached boiling mere moments later. The machine whirred and hissed, tamping down the beans within its chambers and in fifteen seconds a steaming mug of coffee was waiting for Riz.
Eyes as wide as saucers, Riz grabbed the mug reverentially and brought it to his lips where he took a small sip. His ears shot straight up, his tail rigid. A tear came to his eye.
“Fabian…” he said, turning to his friend. “It’s wondrous, amazing, perfect. Is… is this what people mean by ‘better than sex?’”
Fabian scoffed, a small laugh escaping from his chest. “I, uh, I doubt it’s that amazing, The Ball, but-”
“You’ve got to try this!” He pressed the mug into Fabian’s hands. “Emily’s a miracle-worker!”
Fabian tentatively brought the mug up to his lips and sipped. It was divine.
“Damn…” he muttered. “That’s… that’s a really good cup of coffee.”
“‘Reallu good?’ ‘Really good!?’ You insult Emily with merely ‘really good!’” snapped Riz, tail curling defensively around his legs as he snatched the mug out of Fabian’s hands and took another drink.
“Ok, Ok, it’s astounding,” Fabian said, laughing nervously.
“That’s better.”
Fabian thought that would be the end of it, but ever since then whenever he’d talk to Riz he’d bring up his coffee maker.
“Emily said the sweetest thing to me today! She said ‘Thanks a latte for being my friend!’ Isn’t that nice?”
“It’s a coffee maker, The Ball,” he muttered, tired from being woken up by Riz’s early-morning call. “She - it – doesn't actually have feelings.”
That earned him a hiss and a snarled warning about disrespecting Emily, and since then Fabian had been careful to watch what he was saying about the machine.
Later that week over drinks during Boys’ Night, Riz turned to Gorgug. “Hey. Hey Gorgug. What… what do you call two coffee mugs sitting next to each other?” he slurred.
Gorgug smiled nervously, a little put-off by Riz's approach but game nonetheless for a joke.
“What?”
“A happy cup-ple!”
Gorgug smiled warmly. “That's cute, Riz!”
“Thanks, I got it from Emily.”
“Emily?”
“His coffee machine,” explained Fabian, rolling his eye.
“She's more than a machine,” growled Riz. “She's my friend.”
Fabian held up his hands placatingly. “Hey, ok, I didn't mean anything by it!”
“I've had enough of your attitude! I think you're jealous of Emily! You never call her by her name and you act like she's some sort of object! I'm warning you, Fabian, don't make me choose!” With those words Riz stormed out of the bar.
“What the hell was that?” asked Gorgug, baffled.
“I don't quite know, but I’m getting concerned.”
A few days later during a conversation Fabian couldn't help but notice a lack of Emily and at last brought it up with Riz.
“Oh. Her,” he said bitterly. “She's… fine. I guess.”
“What's wrong, The Ball?”
Riz sighed. “Well, she got a software update and now instead of the puns she's always nagging me about how much coffee I'm drinking. I got tired of it, so I went back to my old machine.” He sighed. “I miss her, though.”
Fabian paused; he hated how possessive Riz was about the coffee maker, but even more so he hated to see Riz abandon his present.
“If… What if Gorgug downgraded… her?”
Riz gasped. “Fabian, yes! Let’s go see if he can!”
They brought the machine to Gorgug’s workshop, and he immediately got to tinkering on it. Riz waited nervously in the living room, pacing the room until Gorgug brought the machine back out. Biting his nails, Riz watched as Gorgug powered on Emily.
<You mocha me very happy.>
A relieved smile broke out across Riz’s face. “She’s back! Gorgug, Fabian, Emily’s back! Thank you, thank you!”
“I’m glad for you two,” said Fabian, shaking his head ruefully. “You make a brew-ti-ful couple.”
Riz’s fangs flashed in a wide grin. “I knew you’d come around, Fabes!”