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Seongje felt choked up. He had to get up from his messy bed and start getting dressed. But he could find no strength in his legs. The most dreaded day of the year had come for him once again.
Valentine's Day.
Seongje had always loathed Valentine’s Day. But four years ago, it had given him a reason he would never forget. Since then, February 14th had felt less like a date and more like a wound.
Seongje turned his gaze toward his messy bed. As memories wrapped around his mind, for a fleeting moment, he felt as if he wasn’t alone in the room.
Seven years ago, on their first Valentine’s Day together, he had woken up to his boyfriend’s kisses. He had whined about not wanting to get out of bed, pulling Hyuntak closer by the waist. Hyuntak couldn’t help but laugh softly at his childish behavior. He gently brushed Seongje’s hair aside and allowed them to stay like that for a few more minutes.
Seongje hated knowing he would never wake up to kisses again.
Back then, he could endure the day. He had his love—Go Hyuntak. But now, everything feels like it’s slipping through his fingers. The memories blur, the colors dull. But his feelings for Hyuntak have never faded.
Seongje had always known that his relationship with Hyuntak wouldn’t last forever. He knew that one day, they would part ways. But he had never expected the day to arrive so soon. Even in his worst imaginings, Seongje could never have foreseen Hyuntak leaving him on Valentine’s Day.
Seongje was full of remorse. He had failed to appreciate his lover in time. He regretted the careless words he had let slip. Yet no amount of regret could unsay them, nor could it bring Hyuntak back.
It had been four years since they broke up, and Seongje had been with countless others. Yet none of them had ever filled the emptiness Hyuntak left behind. Every day, Hyuntak was in his thoughts—morning, night, while eating, while playing games… even when he was with someone new, even when their lips met. Hyuntak was gone from his life, but Seongje saw him everywhere he looked.
Valentine’s Day tore him apart. Every year, it was the same—memories of countless 14ths with Hyuntak flooding back, a pain that refused to fade. Some nights, he fell asleep with tears still on his cheeks. On this day, he should have been with his new lover, happy, laughing. But who, apart from Hyuntak, could ever make him feel anything close to happiness?
In a few hours, Seongje was supposed to meet his current lover. He knew it was unfair—he knew it felt like cheating, having someone on his mind while with another. But Seongje had never been the kind to set an example. Not even for Hyuntak. Then the thought hit him like a blow: what if Hyuntak also had someone in his life now? He could. Four years had passed, and Hyuntak had surely moved on, carried on with his life. Seongje hated that thought.
Maybe right now, Hyuntak was getting ready to meet his lover. He wouldn’t overdress, but he’d still look effortlessly sharp—probably in shades of blue. Perhaps he’d sprayed his usual perfume. Would his new lover love that scent as much as Seongje did? Where would they meet? Maybe his lover had reserved a table at a fancy restaurant. But no—Hyuntak didn’t care for things like that. They'd probably go to the beach; they’d have a picnic. Hyuntak would give the sweetest smile to them, hold hands, walk along the sand. Maybe they’d even carve each other’s names into a giant heart in the sand. Just like two high school lovers. Just like Seongje and Hyuntak once were.
Maybe after their time at the beach, they’d go to his lover’s place. They’d watch some ridiculous, nauseating romance movie—something Seongje would absolutely hate. Under the same blanket, their hands entwined, maybe after a while their focus would drift from the film. Small kisses would be exchanged while the movie played in the background. By midnight, his lover might walk Hyuntak home… or let him stay over. He might even offer him clothes from his own closet. Would they fit perfectly, or hang loose? They’d curl up together in the same bed, wrapped around each other. Even though Hyuntak hated smoke, he always inhaled Seongje’s scent. Did his new lover smoke? What did they smell like? Which scent did Hyuntak prefer—Seongje’s or the new lover’s? He had probably already forgotten Seongje’s scent. Probably, he was happy right now. In Seongje’s eyes, everyone could make Hyuntak happy—everyone, that is, except him. But no one could hurt him the way Seongje did.
Seongje shook his head, trying to rid himself of the images flooding his mind. No—he had no right to imagine this. He had no right to disturb Hyuntak, even in his thoughts. He should stop living like a fool and move on. But what meaning was there in living without Hyuntak?
Whoever said time healed all wounds had lied. Seongje’s pain hadn’t lessened—it grew with each passing day. Was it the same for Hyuntak? No, surely, as the days went by, Hyuntak had forgotten him. He must have torn out the pages of their memories from the book in his mind and set them all on fire. If only Seongje could do the same. Instead, he had carefully noted every memory in that book, placing it in the finest spot on his shelf. Even if he burned it, would the memories vanish? If memories were erased from the mind, could it be said they had never happened? Even if Hyuntak hated him now, could that erase the fact that he had loved him to death once? To love to death… had Seongje ever loved Hyuntak that way? If he had, would they be apart now? Seongje had been too late for everything.
Finally, he left the house and began walking with sluggish steps. On the street, there were couples everywhere. Each one reminded him of Hyuntak. Though, he didn’t need anyone to remind him—Hyuntak was always on his mind.
Seongje stopped just before turning the corner. The café they used to visit every week was gone, replaced by a small bakery. His chest tightened. Everything that once belonged to Hyuntak was slowly disappearing, and Seongje wasn’t ready for that. What was even left of him now? A few photographs, a blue hoodie, and the song they used to listen to together — Holding You, Holding Me.
The café was gone. One day, the hoodie’s color would fade. The photos might eventually vanish from his phone. But the song… the song would continue to play forever, carrying the weight of two young lovers’ pain.
If Hyuntak heard it somewhere, at some random moment, would he think of Seongje? Or had he already blended into new songs with new people?
Seongje still listened to it at full volume, still sang along. What wouldn’t he give to whisper its lyrics into Hyuntak’s ear just one last time?
It had been a long time since summer had come for Seongje. His life was nothing but a bleak winter. Speaking of winter… Hyuntak had loved the season. Was that why he had left Seongje under the snow like this? Seongje was cold. So cold that his heart felt as if it would freeze. He shivered. He needed the sun to warm him—winter’s sun. But for Seongje, the sun had set four years ago, never to rise again. How unfortunate… it's warmth was now melting other hearts, while his was doomed to remain encased in ice forever.
He had reserved a table at a restaurant, knowing Hyuntak hated luxury places. That way, he wouldn’t be betraying Hyuntak. But who was being betrayed here—Hyuntak, or the girl waiting excitedly for him? In that moment, Seongje realized he had forgotten to get her a gift. There was nothing on his mind but Hyuntak. Yet the girl didn’t seem to mind, because she loved him—just as Hyuntak had once loved him. Would he hurt this girl too? Would he make promises he couldn’t keep to her too? Would he make her cry for hours, only to act as if nothing had happened?
Seongje was selfish. Foolish.
The girl was talking excitedly, her words bouncing from one topic to another. Today’s events, small details—she was full of energy. But Seongje wasn’t really listening. His mind was fixed on one thought: what would it be like if Hyuntak were sitting across from him instead? But no—like he said, Hyuntak never liked places like this.
The girl noticed that he wasn’t listening, and her face fell. She waved her hand to catch his attention. Seongje snapped out of it without a single change in expression and looked at her. In her pink dress, with carefully done makeup and loose light-brown hair, she was dazzling. But she wasn’t Hyuntak. Seongje hated that.
"I’m sorry… what were you saying?" Seongje said slowly. He shouldn’t have been here. He had no right to toy with her feelings. Once again, he was ruining everything.
His girlfriend had just started speaking again when Seongje cut her off.
"I… I’m truly sorry. For all the time I’ve led you on, for deceiving you…"
The girl didn’t know what to say. She stared at him, stunned. ‘Deceiving me?’ she asked, her voice trembling. She was afraid of the answer she would get—and she should have been.
Seongje didn’t even know how he had managed to leave the restaurant after stringing the words together. He had confessed everything. That all this time, someone else had been on his mind. The girl was unable to speak for a few moments, then had cursed him out. She even threw the water from her glass at his face. But even the splash on his face couldn’t pull him out of his fantasy. The fantasy that included Hyuntak…
Now he was walking aimlessly. He didn’t even know where his steps were taking him. A huge weight had lifted from his shoulders. Yet the weight on his heart hadn’t lessened. He needed Hyuntak.
He sat down on a bench by the shore. The sky had darkened. He started to grin. The grin turned into a smile, the smile into laughter. Anyone seeing him like this would think he had lost his mind. And he had—over Hyuntak.
He had also broken up with that girl on Valentine’s Day, but he wouldn’t let her cross his mind again on any future February 14ths. But could he stop thinking about Hyuntak? Why did he have to put himself through this torture? Was Hyuntak taking revenge? Yes, that had to be it. Seongje had broken his heart once, and now it was Hyuntak’s turn. But did Seongje even have a heart left to break?
Seongje was drunk without even drinking. Right now, he wanted to call Hyuntak. Maybe he could use his drunkenness as an excuse to talk to him. But would Hyuntak understand that he wasn’t actually drunk? He didn’t need to think about that—he could never call him anyway. After leaving Seongje, Hyuntak had moved, changed his number, and even closed all his social media accounts. He didn’t want Seongje to find him. And Seongje would respect that wish. He’d rather not exist than see disgust on Hyuntak’s face.
But he missed Hyuntak’s face terribly. What if he could see him just once? Was that too much to ask? Yes, it was. Too much. Even thinking about him, even letting him cross his mind, was too much. When had Seongje become this pitiful?
Hours later, he stopped sitting on the bench and lay down. He stared at the moon’s reflection on the sea. How beautiful it was—just like Hyuntak. The air was cold, and Seongje shivered. But the chill from Hyuntak’s absence was far worse. Still, the cold made his eyes slowly begin to close.
Suddenly, he saw Hyuntak. Right in front of him. He tried to keep his eyes open. He tried to lift his body. He couldn’t. He reached out, as if to grasp him. He wanted to hold him and never let go. He couldn’t. His hand didn’t reach Hyuntak. He tried to use the last fragments of energy in his body—but it was no use. Hyuntak wasn’t in his arms. He didn’t know how long he struggled to keep his eyes open, trying to reach him. Slowly, his eyes closed.
When he opened them, the sun had risen. Seongje felt a terrible emptiness. He looked around, trying to find Hyuntak—but he wasn’t there. He was gone. Maybe he had never even come. Seongje didn’t know if the figure he had seen last night had been real or just a hallucination.
Now, with it being the 15th, it was time to say goodbye to the Hyuntak in his mind. He couldn’t keep torturing either of them like this. But no—he couldn’t erase him. What meaning did life have without the love of his life? Seongje swore that, no matter the cost, he would find Hyuntak. He got up from the bench. He would search everywhere. The roads, the streets—none of it mattered anymore. Living had lost all meaning.
As he stood, his head began to spin. Spending the whole night in the cold had exhausted his body. Yet he wouldn’t give up. He tried to walk—but he couldn’t. When he fell to the ground, he tried to keep his eyes open. He failed. As his eyes closed, there was only one thing in his mind: Hyuntak.
Would he come to him again, like last night?
~~~~~~~~
When your love is slow, hits me and I'm fading.
In backyard waterfalls, at night when it's raining
Holding you, holding me.
Kissing forever, we'll fall together.
Holding you, holding me.