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Emptiness. This overflowing, suffocating feeling clutches at the throat and makes it harder and harder to breathe.
His head spins, and vision falters. Tsukasa takes a step forward, following Nene — and suddenly falls to his knees, indifferent to the dull pain cursing through his body. He gazes forward, no will or strength to stand up.
"Enough", he utters a single word, his voice frighteningly hollow. "It's no use."
Everything seems futile. Every action, every attempt — why even bother now? He lowers his head quietly, his mind slowly going numb. Really now? Being an actor? Trying so hard when all of this is useless? When their only outcome is being left behind and forgotten?
Why bother?
***
"Tsukasa-kun?"
No response. Which, in itself, is rather strange. The scene is long finished, they should've moved on by now to the grand finale the director had planned. The prince should fight off the curse, embrace the princess and have the strength to stand up and venture forth.
The prince, yes, but, apparently, not Tsukasa himself. Upon closer inspection it appears that he's trembling ever so slightly, his gaze fixated on something that exists only in his imagination. But the scariest part is his eyes. Empty, bleak and lifeless.
It's been a whole minute now. Now both Nene and Emu look entirely concerned. Nene tries repeating the line in hopes of getting a response — any response, for that matter. Yet Tsukasa remains silent.
Rui's gaze flickers towards Asahi. He looks amazed and slightly alarmed. So it's not just their imagination. Something is terribly wrong.
"Tsukasa-kun", Rui calls again, hurrying over to the fallen actor. His hand lands on Tsukasa's shoulder and shakes it a bit. Terror, slowly crawling its way to his heart, makes him drop the honorific. "Tsukasa, can you hear me?"
Now the concern is starting to develop into a real fear. When "the prince" finally snaps from whatever has been plaguing him, it takes a couple of seconds for him to come to his senses.
"Rui?" he blinks slowly, frowning and parting his lips. "I'm… I'm sorry. I got lost in my thoughts for a second."
Rui doesn't say much. There is nothing to say now. He signals Nene and Emu, offering a brief and court excuse, then grabs Tsukasa by his arm and helps him relocate to the dressing room. The other boy visibly staggers, an unusual limpness in his steps.
Both of them are silent, fallen deep into their consciousness. And if Rui is well aware of his train of thought, Tsukasa’s one terrifies him to no end. The director, however, manages to maintain his levelheadedness and wait till they’re away from prying eyes.
The room is small but cozy, equipped with a big mirror, a few tables and a sofa to spend free time comfortably. There’s a bunch of props lying around. Some organized, some basically ooze chaos. The troupe had little to no time to tidy up before going up the stage.
‘If only we’d known’, Rui sighs inwardly. Blame is a heavy burden, one he had long got accustomed to carrying. The load he’s still in process of sharing with the others. ‘We… I should’ve spent more time, monitoring his condition.’
"I'll have to rewrite the script," Rui announces the very second they're inside the room. His voice betrays none of his thoughts, however. They’re all perfectly hidden behind his demeanor.
The meaning of his words takes its sweet time to finally make sense in Tenma's head.
"No!" Tsukasa almost cries, lunching forward and grabbing the other's wrist. His eyes are pleading and desperate. A sight that Rui has never seen before: genuine fear. One that he, hopefully, won't ever see again. "Why!? It's perfect the way it is!"
"I'm afraid that…" he takes a moment to collect his thoughts. His next words are as hard for him as they will be for Tsukasa. "It's a bit too much for you at the moment. I’m sorry for my inconsideration."
"What? No! I can do it! Just… just give me more time, I'll perfect it! Don’t be like this! I’ll give you 12,000%, just you wait! You know, I can make it, right? Always did. What’s different this time?"
Everything.
Rui sighs, "Look. I do believe in your abilities, Tsukasa-kun, you've been nothing but an excellent performer so far. You went above and beyond, making sure my ideas continue living on stage. But this…" He lifts his hand, touching Tenma's cheek. Dark circles are starting to show under his eyes. "This is taking a toll on you."
"You don't know that! It was just a momentarily weakness! I'll do better next time, I promise. Plus, the contest is in a couple of weeks from now on, changing the script seems entirely illogical now!"
"I don't know that? You haven't seen yourself up there! I've never seen you like this before. You were lost in the role."
"Isn't it a good thing? I gave it my best!" Tsukasa continues with his pleading. His hand eventually covers Rui's, squeezing it tightly. A phantom smile tugs at the corner of his lips. "You trust me, don't you?"
"You're not being fair…"
"Do you?"
"…yes."
"Then let me do this for you. For us. You know how important that event is. We can't just let this chance slip through our fingers!"
"You…" Rui finally resigns. His gaze is still worried and displeased, yet he can't keep arguing. "Alright. Be it your way. But I do warn you: if it ever comes to this, if I ever see you putting yourself in harm's way for the sake of my script, I'll withdraw our application."
"Rui…"
"I'm sure Nene and Emu-kun wouldn't want you to be like this, don't you think?"
"Now you're being unfair!"
"Maybe. But I'd rather be unfair than see you hurt. We all strive for greatness, however some borders are not meant to be crossed. Let the roles remain the roles."
"It is just a role to me", Tsukasa retorts one last time. His eyes are glistening sickly in the dim lights of the dressing room.
"And yet you weren't playing. You were consumed by it."
This time Tenma remains silent. He lowers his gaze, biting into his lip harshly. Rui knows it's a bitter pill to swallow but it needs to be done. He knew how passionate Tsukasa is about acting, how he allowed himself to be led by the script. Rui always trusted his judgment, prayed and hoped that he'd never lose the sight of reason and never succumb to the role. Yet here they were. As a director Rui must prioritize his actor's well-being above anything else. Even if it costs them that damn chance.
***
Tsukasa snaps back to reality, clutching his chest tightly, his breath rugged. It takes him a couple of minutes to regain composure and take a good look around. He's home, in his bedroom, safe and sound. There's nothing to fear. Nothing.
His fingers slip into his disheveled hair, tugging it a bit. He's still visibly shaken and drenched in cold sweat, his whole body trembling. The sound of rushing blood is echoing in his ears. He feels like vomiting.
But when Tsukasa tries to lower himself back to the pillow, he finds that he physically can't do it. Too afraid of what is to come if he allows his dreams to get the better of him.
So he's left in that awkward position. It's the middle of the night, he's got just a couple of hours left to sleep. Which, he's pretty sure of it, will be wasted on tossing and turning.
The hand lunges towards the phone, quietly laying on the night stand. Maybe, he should text him and explain the situation. Tsukasa is more than certain that Rui wouldn't complain. If anything he'd be relieved to hear that Tsukasa is willing to step down and ask for help.
Yet this simple gesture repulses Tsukasa. He can't back down. Not yet. Not when he's not even close to that peak. Not when he's still so far behind Asahi.
Rui wouldn't hate him for being weak. Tsukasa would. Simple as that.
He knows he can grasp that feeling a bit better. So what if it results in him being a little lost? Does it matter in the eyes of a much greater result? Being able to perform on such a grand stage… They've been working so hard for that moment. Tsukasa proclaimed himself a leader so many times, he's not about to be the weak link and let everyone down.
Nene is doing just fine. Emu too. Why can't he?
His hand freezes in the air before he can take the phone. Instead Tsukasa redirects it towards the glass of water, takes a quiet sip and forces himself to lie down.
His predictions weren't far off, it seems. He can't fall asleep, left alone with pictures of him and his troupe being discarded and left behind, rendered useless.
Though now this future is more palpable than before. Now Tsukasa can't seem to step forward at all — he's left behind, drown in the shadows. All alone.
***
The final performance is closer and closer. The time goes by unnoticed as Tsukasa continues studying the feeling he needs to portray. Of course, he can't turn a blind eye to the concerned looks of his troupe's members, though playing dumb does seem to work. Even for a little while.
Their rehearsals are great. Tenma is able to play his part to the bit, allowing himself to bask in that empty, growing feeling inside of his chest. So when that scene comes, he stumbles and plunges into his imagination, spiraling down — and stopping at the brink of losing himself completely.
He's well aware of Rui's gaze, glued to his nape, but he still refuses to step down. The only way lies beyond. Rui put his whole heart and soul into this script; Tsukasa still can't stop thinking about that particularly satisfied look the director gave when he first presented his idea. He can’t stop thinking about sleepless nights Rui's spent on working on that script. Being an actor, it is Tsukasa’s sole purpose to bring that idea to life. Whatever the cost.
His stubborn approach proves to be working. Even Asahi looks positively surprised after one of such rehearsals.
Tsukasa stands up proudly and smiles, turning back to Rui. Yet he doesn't find what he's looking for. Only a slight frown between his brows and unease. Again.
Oh no. He screwed up again, didn't he? Was he too careless with his actions? Tsukasa bites into his lower lip, praises Nene and Emu for their spectacular performance and beelines towards Rui, making sure not to drop any prop along the way.
"Rui?" he calls anxiously. He tries to sound energized — truly, truly does — yet his voice betrays him the very moment, his words faltering. "Is everything okay? We can go once again, if something is bothering you…"
"No."
He doesn't offer an explanation. Tsukasa patiently waits for him to continue but Rui seems to be set on keeping his thoughts to himself. So he starts once again, "You look displeased. We can discuss the scene later, if you want and then…"
"Stop", Rui snaps, his voice harsher than before. Tsukasa flinches at the sudden sternness. When was the last time he saw Rui this… upset? "We're stopping there. And you won't be coming to tomorrow's practice."
"What? Why!? You can't decide that for me!" he raises his voice unknowingly, attracting some unwanted attention. Nene and Emu are now both looking at their direction, seemingly contemplating whether to intervene or not.
"We shouldn't have this conversation now", Rui adds in a hushed tone. "It's not the right time."
"And when is the right time then? You can't just forbid me from coming and leave it at that! You can't!"
Rui pursues his lips and, finally making a decision, turns around, gesturing slightly, "Come on."
Sometimes his level-headiness is a bit scary. Even after all this time Tsukasa finds it a bit fascinating and unnerving how good Rui is at controlling his emotions.
He follows suit, trying not to trip over his long mantle. His gaze is fixated on Rui's back, mind wandering what conversation is about to happen. It is, no doubt, an unpleasant one. Tsukasa has an inkling as to what he's about to hear.
Once they're back to their dressing room, the actor doesn't get to utter a word before his wrist is grabbed. Rui's long fingers wrap around it and tug Tsukasa forward before both of them find their way to the floor mirror.
"You asked me why you won't be attending our practice tomorrow", Rui begins softly, looking at the reflection. His grip isn't strong, he wouldn't want to harm Tsukasa in any way — it's just a gesture to secure him in one place. "There's your answer. Look."
"I… really don't understand."
He isn't lying. He really doesn't understand what Rui is getting at. He looks just like before, maybe a bit more tired but that's not that surprising. He'd looked tired before yet Rui has never seemed so troubled by it.
"Because you look unwell! Have you seen yourself!?" His pupils constrict, and his eyes look angrier than before. Was it for suddenness of such reaction, or just hearing Rui so close to yelling, yet Tsukasa is taken aback. He tries to say something in his defense, but all the words get stuck in his throat, leaving him completely defenseless.
"I asked you to be more careful. I asked you to come for help if needed. Do you think we like seeing you like this? Do you think we're not worried about you?"
"But I really am okay!"
"You don't respond when being called. You look like your whole world has come to an end! Do you think I'm that stupid not to notice that it's more than just a role to you? Your method acting has come too far! When are you going to finally stop? When it's too late and there's no turning back? Will you be satisfied then!?"
"But if… if I can't do that…" Tsukasa finally breaks down, lowering his head. He feels so wronged, so angry with himself. His lower lip is trembling, unwelcome tears stinging his eyes. Isn't it pathetic, how close he was to being trampled? A couple of words from his own director is more than enough to send him into this state. "How can I… continue pushing forward with you?"
"Is that what you're worried about?" Rui finally softens a bit, looking embarrassed of losing his temper. He takes a step forward and sighs quietly. "You think we'd leave you behind if you failed?"
"I…" Tsukasa trails off almost guiltily. Because it is true. And hearing it now, loud and clear, is like a slap on the cheek.
Then comes the embrace. Gentle and swift, pulling Tsukasa towards the other's chest. Rui's hands find their way on his shoulder and head, cradling him kindly. It's strange, sudden but… not unpleasant.
Tsukasa is left speechless, his mind going completely blank. The warmth envelops his body, slowly reaching his joints and finally soothing his aching heart. The actor cautiously exhales through greeted teeth and closes his eyes, giving in to that feeling.
"But you've worked so hard to finish that script. I know it's important to you and…" he starts off. For some reason he feels like being honest for a brief moment, like letting go of a burden that weighted upon his shoulders all that time. Nightmares and that aching numbness in his chest scared him senseless now.
"Not as important as you are", Rui coos, delicately caressing Tsukasa's head. And god, it's working. The body is melting into the embrace, sending his feverish mind into a calm state. "I can always write another one. We can always get another chance and continue working towards our dream."
"But…"
"But we won't find another dazzling star such as yourself. Do you know what happens when a star collapses?"
"It forms a black hole," Tsuksa answers almost immediately. He found that topic especially charming and petrifying, listening intently to their teacher’s explanation. "A stellar corpse which can't be revived."
"Right", Rui nods carefully and chuckles. " I'd rather you take some time off and come to your senses than push yourself to the limit and break down completely. What's the point of pursuing that chance if the cost is far too great?"
"You're right, I guess", Tsukasa finally signs, wrapping his arms around Rui's waist and burying his nose in the other's chest. "And I'm sorry it's come to this."
"No, there's no need apologize. Guess, I just got ahead of myself. Maybe we should postpone getting into tragic plots, you know?" Rui pulls back a bit and offers a reassuring smile. "You're not letting us down. You're not letting yourself down. It's just a small step back before taking two steps forward, okay?"
"Okay", Tsukasa parrots and returns a small smile. "Thank you, Rui. I mean it."
"Oh, don't. How could I call myself a director if I let my star dim and die right in front of me, hm?"
They finally break the embrace, not a single ounce of awkwardness between them. When it came to Rui, everything started to look so much easier. Maybe he is right. Maybe Tsukasa was — and still is — being a stubborn idiot.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to talk with the staff", Rui turns around, making his way to the door. "Since we're done for today, how would you like to grab a bite on our way back? I'm sure girls are pretty hungry as well."
"Yeah, that sounds… good."
And with that they withdraw their application. The decision is sudden and saddening to many yet no one objects it.
Tsukasa leaves the theater along with his troupe, hugging his slouched shoulders. He allows this vulnerability just for today, following Rui's advice. He'll definitely nurture this feeling, make notes and take these two steps forward.
There's always another chance.