Chapter Text
“Hey, Hyunjin! Do you wanna come to the beach with us next week? We are having a party…” Chan asked me. I nodded enthusiastically, and I saw Minho roll his eyes. Jisung also noticed, and squeezed his hand. I felt a twinge of jealousy run through my veins, despite my dislike for Minho. He'd started hanging out with us when he started dating Jisung, and for some reason, he took to a dislike to me instantly. Yet as much as I don't like him, I still have to admit that he has a good life with a good partner. I wanted to confess my love to Felix, but I was worried he would reject me. Maybe I would confess to him while we were at the beach.
When the day finally came, I pulled on some jeans, a black shirt, and a loose, white sweater over it. Then, I grabbed the chips that I said I'd bring, since we were doing a fire later when the sun went down, and got into my car, driving silently to the beach an hour away, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I repeated over and over what I was going to say. To my surprise, I saw that Felix’s car was the only other car at the parking lot we agreed to meet up beside the boardwalk. I left the chips in the car, and got out, walking up the old, wooden stairs to get into the beach.
When I got to the top, I froze, tears springing to my eyes. Felix was walking along the ocean edge, but he wasn't alone. Chan was with him, hand in hand, and they were looking at each other the same way that Jisung and Minho looked at each other. The sun, which moments before had felt warm, now just acted like a spotlight– too bright, burning down on me. I froze, before running back down the stairs so they couldn't see me, sitting down at the bottom of the stairs. I stepped towards my car to leave, but heard a car pull up, and Jisung stepped out. I quickly stood up, running to my car before he could see me, and opening the back seat, bending over, and rummaging around, buying me more time to get myself under control. “Hey, Hyunjin!” I heard Jisung call to me, before I heard a door slam followed by another door shutting a bit quieter. With a deep breath, I swiped at my eyes, making sure I got rid of the tears, before standing up with a towel in my hand.
“Hey, Jisung. Hi… Minho…” I said, which got a weird look from him. Probably because I don't usually greet him, but I was too broken to care right now. I slowly walked towards the staircase, my motions feeling odd and stiff. I slowed down slightly, telling myself to just act normal, when I felt a slap on my back. It was Changbin, and Jeongin was behind him. So Jisung had picked them up, too. I gave Changbin a smile, but it felt weird and unnatural, so I dropped it. Seungmin pulled up in the parking spot beside mine, getting out with a small frown when Changbin immediately started jumping on him, screaming. Him and Jeongin are the type to usually lean more towards quiet, and usually, I would go and scream and play around with Changbin, but my heart was too broken to care. I saw Minho and Jisung share a weird look, but I just turned around and walked up the stairs. When I got on the beach, Felix and Chan saw me and waved, dropping hands, and walking over to me. But I just ignored them, walking over to a spot beside a sand dune where the sun was shining down on. They looked a bit confused, and upset, but they just shrugged it off, walking over to the others.
With a sigh, I set my towel down in the spot I'd chosen to take a nap and try to forget about Felix, but realized I'd forgotten my sunscreen for my face. So, getting up, I walked past the others, who were heading over to my spot to set down their chairs and towels, and walked back to my car. I got my bag out of the backseat, and walked back to my towel. But, when I got there, Chan and Felix were sitting on my towel, Jisung and Minho were sitting in a chair together, and Changbin, Jeongin, and Seungmin were sitting together on a big blanket. I walked over to my towel with a frown, and Felix looked up. “Oh! Hyung! Is this yours? I'm sorry, we'll move…” he started to get up, but I shook my head.
“No. It's fine. You can stay there… I'll just sit with Changbin…” I sighed quietly, silently wishing I was in Chan’s place. As I sat beside Jeongin, I tried to recall if there had been any signs of them dating. But I couldn't tell, because I'd been so focused on my feelings for Felix. And now, I realized, I would never be able to share them with anyone. I thanked my lucky stars that I hadn't told Chan, or anyone else, for that matter. Hours felt like days as I sat with my sketchbook, trying to remember what I usually drew. I usually drew my pictures with such emotion, such feeling, but my drawings looked like garbage, emotionless and dull. They looked exactly how I felt. I could feel someone looking over my shoulder, but I just kept trying to add that emotional depth that my drawings usually had. However, looking at it with an artist's point of view, it just looked worse.
“Hey, Hyunjin, did you try a different technique or something? Your drawing looks… different from what they usually look like…” I heard someone say over my shoulder. I looked up, and saw Seungmin. He is extremely perceptive, and I knew I'd have to tread carefully with him, since he'll be able to detect any cracks in my voice, any words that sound like lies in my mouth. I looked at him, and his face just looked… perceiving and focused, but his words sounded like insults. I knew they weren't supposed to be, but despite everything, I just wanted to hit him when he said those words.
“No… I'm doing what I usually do… Why? Does it look bad?” I asked, instead of saying what I really wanted to say. He looked at me, his expression unreadable.
“No. It looks fine. I just thought it looked different from what you usually draw… Or maybe it's…” he started, but I wasn't paying attention. I was staring at my drawing. He was right. It didn't look like my normal drawings in any way. I looked at the page behind it, which had a beautiful, happy butterfly that I'd drawn for Felix, per his request. I flipped it back, and I could feel several pairs of eyes on me, including Felix’s, whose I've grown to recognize, even if I don't look up. His gaze is soft and warm, a feeling I was always happy to feel when he looked at me. But this time, it just felt like it was mocking me, making fun of my heartbreak. I felt numb. Without thinking, I grabbed the page, and ripped it out. Everyone glanced up at me when the sound of paper ripping hit their ears. I guess Felix thought I was going to give it to him, since I'd drawn the butterfly for him yesterday, because he had that certain sparkle in his eye that he got when he was expecting something happy. I was pretty sure that was what everyone else was expecting too, because they kept glancing at Felix. But I just took the paper, and crumpled it up, throwing it in my bag. I heard several gasps, but I ignored them, getting up.
“I'll be right back…” I mutter, running off to my car. When I got to my car, I unlocked it, and just sat in the driver's seat, debating whether or not I should just leave without my stuff. I decided that if I left, it'd be even more suspicious than if I stayed, so I finally, after 10 minutes of internal debating, got back out of my car, locking it. The sun was just now going down, so I grabbed the bag of chips I'd brought, and slowly walked up the steps. I felt a stab in my arm, and saw that I'd just gotten a splinter. With a sigh, I headed back to my friends, where my towel was. They were all engaged in hushed conversations, but the second I reappeared, they immediately shushed. I looked at them, before sitting down, rummaging through my bag for my tweezers that I kept in the same thing I had my nail clippers in. I pulled them out, trying to angle my arm so I could get the splinter out. But I couldn't. Chan seemed to notice my discomfort, as he immediately got up.
“Here. Let me get it…” he said, taking the tweezers gently from my hand. His touch felt gentle despite the pain he's already caused me, which just felt like a deeper stab in my heart as more pieces of my heart shattered and broke away. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I didn't want to cry. Not here. Fortunately, Chan finally got it out, and immediately went back to what he'd been doing when I had approached them, building the fire. When he finally got the fire going, he passed around some sticks and hamburger patties and hot dogs for us to roast. I took a hamburger, but my stomach was in such knots, I didn't think I could eat. I passed around the chips I'd just grabbed, and everyone took some, setting them on their plates. When everyone had started eating, Felix came over and sat beside me, running his hands through my fine, dark hair like he usually does. I hated it because of the current situation, but I was too emotionally drained to scoot away. After everyone finished eating, we started roasting marshmallows. Jisung and Minho shared one, which made me feel sick to my stomach.