Chapter Text
"You're finally home."
Sasuke looked up as he entered through the door to see Sakura standing a short distance away. She looked back at him with a carefully neutral expression, only her eyes conveying the depth of the feelings swirling inside of her. Sasuke already couldn't look anymore.
"Mm," he murmured in response, keeping his face schooled much more easily than she did. He was more than used to it by now.
He lightly brushed past her as he walked down the hallway to set his belongings down. Sakura watched him go.
"Is that all you have to say?" she spoke again. Sasuke let out a quiet sigh. Familiar guilt tugged at him.
"It's good to see you," he said slowly. "It's been too long."
"Yes," Sakura quickly agreed, "it has. I know it's always for something important when you're away, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I finally have you, and yet, I still don't."
Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to scream. He knew she deserved better than this. He wished he could give it to her, he really did. But Uchiha Sasuke was never the kind of man that could be what she wanted. He'd thought maybe, since he had some fondness for her, he could give it a try. His futile attempt was proving insufficient to say the least.
"I'll be home for at least a week this time," he promised. It wasn't enough even to his own ears. "And I'll…be home for dinner each night."
A twinge in his chest signalled to Sasuke that he was less than happy to concede to that arrangement, but it was the least he could do. The very least. Nothing showed on his face at all.
Sakura just sighed. "It's night already. I should at least hope you wouldn't be going out again tonight."
Concealing a wince, Sasuke admitted, "I ate on the way here."
"I've already eaten, too."
He stole a glance at her face. It was almost as neutral as it had been before. Almost. If not for the way her eyes narrowed imperceptibly, he might have missed the message: I'm not waiting for you anymore.
"Alright. I'm tired. I think I'll just go to bed now, then," Sasuke said. He continued down the hallway to his bedroom and sat down at the foot. He could at least say honestly that he felt a tiredness deep into his bones, all but pleading for the sweet release of sleep. Sakura followed him.
"Okay," she agreed. She was already dressed in her nightclothes, likely having been getting ready for bed upon his arrival. "Let's sleep."
Until she laid down beside him, Sasuke had nearly forgotten that this was her room, too. It only went to show what kind of husband he was.
Laying beside her, the one he was supposed to love, should be rest. It should be relaxing and comfortable and everything he'd been missing since he'd been away. But instead, he found himself sitting there, reluctant to lay down and close his eyes. His hands clenched the fabric of his pants where they rested on his thighs. His head was too loud, and his mouth was too quiet. If only he could just turn it off.
"You're not actually going to sleep, are you?" Sakura said after a few minutes of silence. She hadn't felt the weight of him beside her.
"I'm tired," Sasuke repeated. He didn't know what else to say.
"Sasuke…" Sakura sat up. "I am too. So if we can't sleep, let's talk. Tell me what's on your mind."
Could he really do that? He should, but could he? Dread welled up in his heart at the thought. Just say something and go to bed, idiot.
"There is nothing wrong. My mission went well. I reported it to the Hokage upon my arrival, and my next assignment doesn't come for a week."
Again, it was the truth. Nothing had happened that he couldn't handle. He was the strongest ninja the village had besides the Hokage himself, after all. There was nothing new clouding his heart or mind. Nothing new at all.
Sakura scoffed. "'The Hokage'? Now I know exactly what's on your mind. You never call Naruto that unless you're trying not to think about him."
Shit. Sakura had become too observant. Without even realizing, he often switched what he referred to Naruto as, both to his face and to other people. He supposed it wasn't as subtle as he would've liked to believe.
"What happened at his office?" Sakura asked.
"I have already told you."
"I mean what else."
"Nothing."
Nothing. Nothing else at all had happened. Sasuke had shown up, walking through the door into Naruto's gaze. Then, as always, Naruto had set down his paperwork and thrown him a dazzling grin. They'd had a short back and forth to catch up, and then Sasuke had given him his report. Naruto had informed him to return in a week for his next mission briefing, and that was that. Both with deep circles under their eyes, they'd parted ways insisting the other return home for rest. And now Sasuke was here.
"Nothing, huh?" Sakura seemed to mull it over before her brows drew tight and her demeanor shifted from the sleepiness of only a few moments ago. She sat beside Sasuke, putting a hand on his shoulder with just enough pressure to let him know he wasn't getting away from her. "Then that's the problem, isn't it?"
Sakura's hands were strong. Some of the strongest in Konoha. When she pulled his shoulder to open him up towards her, force him to face her, he couldn't resist. He didn't have it in him to try.
"What are you trying to say?" he asked weakly. Now with his eyes locked with hers, he felt too seen-through. He wanted to hide, to scowl and brush her off like he was used to doing with people. But he couldn't do that with her anymore.
"You know exactly what I'm trying to say. I won't believe you don't. This is about Naruto. It always is."
"Not always."
He didn't get out of the village as much as possible just to be told he still revolved around the very heart of it. But, he supposed that no matter how far away the planets are, they still orbit around the sun.
"Bullshit," Sakura told him. "If it's not him, then why do you keep all the letters he's sent you while you're away?"
Jerking abruptly in her grasp, Sasuke's head whipped towards the chest tucked into the corner behind the bed stand. The lid was still closed, but his eyes hardened.
"I thought I asked you not to open my chest."
"I didn't."
"…"
She got him again. She got him, and to Sasuke, that meant there was nothing more to say. So of course, she still wasn't done talking.
"Please just say something. Tell me why you're here at all. I need to at least hear it from you," she pleaded.
He had to. If Sasuke had never answered her before, he had to now. Despite his reluctance, despite how it would change things between them, despite whatever else might come of it. He had owed her a lot more than this, so if he couldn't offer her that, than an answer was what he had to give.
"Fine," he conceded. Better to just get it over with. "I have… always felt different in my attractions than other people. In that, I mean I had little to none. Until him."
Naruto was like the sun in more ways than one. He was so bright and cheerful and it scorched Sasuke's wounded soul. Like a flower unused to the light, he withered in the face of such radiance against his bruised petals. But it was only when he turned toward it that he started to bloom. He had not bloomed much in a long time.
Sakura breathed out. Less a sigh, and more a release of everything she'd been holding onto. Maybe even her love for him.
"I started to figure that out after we married," she said. "I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I could've, if I'd looked for it. But I just hoped so desperately that my wish was finally being fulfilled."
Sasuke understood how she felt. He could've figured it out back when he was twelve if he had wanted to. He hadn't. But deep down, it had stayed there buried under everything else he had wanted to hide. Maybe he always knew, in some respect. But unlike Sakura, it was only once he let his hope die that they'd ended up like this.
"I'm sorry," he said with what he hoped was enough sincerity for her to hear. "It's not that I don't feel anything for you. I had enough fondness to give marriage a try. But I've come to realize that is not enough."
Now it was Sakura who couldn't look at him anymore.
"What do you want, then? Naruto is married, and if we divorce, everyone will hear about it. He'll ask you why, you know. He'll ask me, too. And I don't know if I can look him in the eyes and lie to him like you do."
Stomach churning uncomfortably, Sasuke clung to whatever poise the highly trained shinobi inside of him could still conjure. No, the poise the Uchiha in him could still conjure. Even a shinobi could fall apart, but Uchiha Sasuke was not allowed. Is the voice inside telling me so mine, my father's, or someone else's?
"Then don't look him in the eyes. Please, Sakura. Nothing good can come from telling him about this," Sasuke said dismissively.
"I—I know. But it could have." Sakura swallowed, a lump forming in her throat. "It could have before the war. He scarcely even spoke to Hinata back then. You were all he thought about, chasing you to the ends of the earth. You could've had a chance, you know." You could've spared me this agony went unsaid.
"Could I have? Tell me, Sakura, how could I really have come back here after blowing his arm off and almost killing him and asked him to love me?" It came out harsher than Sasuke had intended. A mistake.
"As if you didn't almost kill me, too!" Sakura snapped.
"I know. I'm sorry. But—I did not ask you to love me."
He couldn't have expected anything less than the stare he received from her. As pathetic as he felt to say it, it was the truth. The romantic nature of Sakura's feelings for him had always been clear as day, whereas Naruto had always called Sasuke a friend. If he wanted that to change, he would have had to say something. Confess. Ask how Naruto felt. But he had hesitated too much for too long.
"I'm going to smack you, Uchiha. Don't just tell me I was easier. There's no way you were okay with this. So what were you hoping? Were you hoping you would both avoid marriage forever? Think of him as yours without ever asking him to be?"
Sasuke winced. So much for schooling his expressions. "Well, it was like you said. Before the war, he barely knew Hinata existed. And neither did I."
They sat in silence after that. Sasuke didn't even want to get into the very many complications that him being romantically involved with Naruto would've led to, and it seemed Sakura didn't either. After all was said and done (or, after nothing was said nor done), it hadn't come to pass.
Eventually, Sasuke stood up. He made his way over to the chest and lifted the lid, sorting through the very many scrolls stored inside. At the very bottom, he found what he was looking for.
"Not all of these letters are from Naruto, you know. A few of them are from me. Ones I never sent." He sat back on the bed beside Sakura and handed her a scroll.
She opened it with slow, careful hands and read.
Naruto,
I have watched the sun rise and set on another day. I have lost count since I have been away. It has happened an innumerable amount of times throughout my life, and I grow weary. I trust you know what I mean.
I won't end it here this time. I know you understand because you understand my everything, in a way that only the man who almost died side by side with me could possibly do. Yet there was still one thing I obscured from you. If I was less of a coward, then as we lay dying, I would have used my last bit of remaining strength to lean over and whisper that I love you. It was the perfect moment, the most perfect I will ever get, because it was only you and I. The rest of the world faded away and I no longer had to think about what would come next. For just that moment, I knew peace, the kind only you could give me. But even then, I did not deserve you.
I do not deserve you still. And so rather than send you this letter, I will likely continue on my travels and support your new role as best I can. Since we were young children together, you had wanted this: to be the Hokage. And I will be your shadow, even if it means I will never see your light.
Always yours.
By the end, Sakura was clenching the paper in her hands and creasing, crumpling it. Just as she herself then crumpled. She hunched over, closed the scroll, and gripped it tightly while she cried. It was a quiet thing, her crying. She just sat there, closing in on herself as if to console her own weary heart, and let the tears flow in as close to silence as it could ever get with her. She could not speak until she had let it all out.
Face still wet, she asked him, "Do you wish you had died with him that day?"
Sasuke laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. His hand rested on his chest, and the loose sleeve where his other should be stayed splayed out on the sheets beside him. He wondered.
"It would've been a fitting end if I had," he admitted after a moment. "But I suppose it's also fitting that I should have to stay alive. I was lost, after the war. For the first time in my life, I didn't have something to fight. I had to learn how to live."
"But you still haven't learned. You still fight. You fight yourself, deep inside where you hope no one can see."
In the years since the war, Sasuke had been standing still in some ways, regressing in others, and only really learning what he had never wanted to. Namely, how badly it hurt to see the one he loved with someone else and how hard it was to pretend it didn't. Because he had missed his chance at the Valley of the End, he had never been able to release these feelings to someone else before today. Instead, he had watched himself grow further from Naruto and even further from his own wife. How ironic it was that he and Sakura were now brought closer than they had been in a long time by the confession of the very reason why their marriage could never work out.
"And now, he can never see. This is the fight I will continue until I die with him for real one day. Or at the very least, for him." Sasuke then closed his eyes. His struggle was not invisible anymore, but he wished he himself was.
"I don't like that. Don't like the sound of it," Sakura muttered. Sasuke felt her turn towards him. "You say everything like it's set in stone. Like you can't do anything or change anything, you just have to follow your path to the end. But you don't. And you don't have to walk it all alone either."
"Then I have something to ask of you, Sakura. If it's not too much, stay married to me. Should you fall for someone else, you're free to leave. But I see no benefit to leaving now. Though I suppose even after this conversation, I owe that it be said plainly: I will not fall for you regardless."
Sakura dropped the scroll she had still been holding onto his chest. "How could I possibly think you would after reading this?
Somehow, some way, the corner of Sasuke's lips twitched into the semblance of a small smile. It was minute, just barely noticeable, but Sakura had likely seen it. He hoped she would recognize it for what it was: relief, rather than mocking. He had thought this conversation would only make things worse, that she would never understand. Yet, the sheer force of the relief flooding him now that he'd shared a bit of his burden was proof of the opposite.
"I never knew you were so poetic in your writing," Sakura said in a softer voice. "You're usually so… brief. But now I've seen a side of you I've never been able to before, and as angry as I am that it had to come to this, I'm glad you finally told me. So I'll stay on one condition."
Sasuke opened an eye to peer at her, curious. "And what's that?"
And finally, Sakura made good on her promise to smack him. "Talk to me, you stupid Uchiha! Don't hide things from me anymore!" she cried, whacking him in the shoulder. Sasuke clutched the spot, and before he knew what was happening, he was laughing. Sakura froze, watching in wonder.
"Alright. If it's something you should know, I'll not withhold it from you," he said after calming down. "I recognize I should've done this long ago."
"Long ago," Sakura echoed in agreement. "I wish I'd been able to see you laugh like that, long ago."
Sasuke sat up and pulled the sheets down to get underneath. He had a feeling he could fall into sleep now, albeit still bombarded by nightmares of what had been and what could have been. He dropped the scroll back into the chest amongst the other letters and thought about rereading them soon.
"Let's rest, Sakura. We can talk again tomorrow."
Seeming to agree, Sakura slipped under the covers and laid her head back on the pillow. She continued watching him as he did the same.
"I may still be your 'wife', but will you talk to Naruto one day, too?"
Sasuke turned off the lamp, plunging them into darkness, and said, "With Naruto, I never know what I will do."
~🌒~
Time moved fast as it always did for Sasuke nowadays. He and Sakura barely had enough time to get used to the change in their relationship before Sasuke found himself taking the walk back up to the Hokage's office. Naruto's office.
The two of them hadn't seen each other since the night Sasuke returned from his mission. He could only hope Naruto had gone home and rested like Sasuke had been able to do, rather than spending the night asleep on his paperwork as he sometimes did. Sasuke knew that Naruto worked himself far too hard and didn't spend enough time with his loved ones. Including Sasuke himself. But, well, Sasuke wasn't really one to talk.
When he entered the office, Naruto was looking down at some papers, but Sasuke knew he had noticed his arrival. Naruto always did. Sure enough, he waved him closer only a moment later.
"Sasuke, hey," Naruto said, eyes still down. "Usually you come to visit at least once while you're in town. But this week really flew by, I get it. It's already time for your new assignment, isn't it?"
Sasuke studied him and slowly nodded. "Yes, that's right." A thousand more words flooded to the tip of his tongue, but his voice died off.
"Yep. Right. Good. Let me just find the paperwork in here somewhere…" Naruto shifted his attention to the tall stack of papers to his left, eyeballing each one before he scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably and let out a humorless laugh. "Ah, I'm not sure where it is. And I can't seem to remember your mission details, so…"
"Naruto."
Finally, Naruto met his gaze. The air between them was charged, but Naruto did not back down as Sasuke anticipated he would.
"What?" Naruto asked, as if he really didn't know.
"Give me the briefing, please." Sasuke was straight to the point, too tired to pretend. Too old to pretend. While he didn't feel as driven to get out of the village as he usually did, he still wasn't going to entertain… whatever this was. Naruto may have been busy, but he never forgot anything about Sasuke.
Naruto sighed. It came from deep inside of him, a sound so exhausted it gave Sasuke a chill. "The truth is, I don't know. I don't know what mission to send you on. I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to think much on it. You're my best asset, Sasuke. And I know I can trust you with any of these missions, but they're hardly worth the time of someone with your abilities. If you're that desperate to leave again, you can look through them and take your pick. But I don't know, Sasuke. I don't know."
"Why did you ask me to come back in a week then?"
"To stall for time! What do you think? We may not be teenagers anymore, but that doesn't mean I—that I don't still want to chase you sometimes."
There it was again. That churning in his stomach. Naruto couldn't just say things like that, the dumbass. Sasuke's fist clenched into a tight ball, nails digging into his palm.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he gritted out. He forced his feelings down and narrowed his eyes, staring Naruto down. Don't run away. Don't run away.
"It means I rarely get to see you anymore. Life was more exciting back then, when you were my goal. I knew I wouldn't give up and I knew I'd bring you home and then I'd have my best friend again. But now that I've accomplished my dreams, all I have is these papers." Naruto scrubbed a hand over his face, and Sasuke noticed each new line in his skin. New lines, new creases, new wrinkles, but still the same face Naruto had always had. The face Sasuke loved.
"All you have?" he questioned. "What about Hinata? You've got a family now. You're Hokage. Isn't that what you've always wanted?" He wanted Naruto to say no. Fuck, he hated how much he wanted him to say no. Naruto had what he deserved: family, power, recognition. His dreams. But if Naruto still wasn't happy, then maybe, just maybe the idiotic feelings that kept welling up in Sasuke would be a little more satiated. Despite that everything Sasuke had done these past years would be worthless if it were so, he was a bad man, and he wanted Naruto to say no.
"It was. But now, I—I don't know. What am I even saying? Just forget it." Naruto started to examine his papers again, assuming Sasuke would just take a mission and go. And normally, Sasuke would. But now, his feet were planted to the ground.
What was there for him outside the village? What was there for him inside the village? Sasuke could come up with a very, very short list of answers. He had never found joy in much, especially after the death of his family. He had treated himself as a solider, meant only to destroy and kill that which he despised before the blade turned on himself. There had been a lot that he hated, but what had he loved? After his family, it was only Naruto. The same one he kept walking away from.
"You know I won't be forgetting anything," Sasuke said.
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Oh please, you've forgotten plenty. At least, you've always tried to."
"But I never succeed."
Naruto spared him one more glance. Every bit of empty space in that room was crammed full of words unsaid, hanging heavy and oppressive around them. But Naruto said nothing more, so Sasuke slowly turned around. If he was so focused on his papers, then maybe Sasuke would send him one more. A letter.
"Are you not going to take a mission?" Naruto asked before he reached the door.
"I already have one," Sasuke said, and left.
~🌓~
Sasuke sat at the kitchen table with a pen in his hand. A blank page laid before him. When he looked down at it, he could almost see a flurry of words clouding and swarming over the page, fighting to be written down. To be heard. Instead, he just set his pen down and sighed. Maybe he couldn't do this after all; it had been too spur of the moment a decision.
"What are you doing?" Sakura's voice came from behind him. Sasuke hadn't known she was home yet.
"Nothing," was his automatic response. But then he remembered his promise. "Nothing yet, I mean. I was going to write Naruto a letter, but I think I've lost the poetics I once had."
Sakura's brows raised in surprise. "A letter? Have you been thinking about talking to him like I asked you to? I thought you considered it a waste of time."
"Not a waste of time. It's just that I should have said all this back then, and I don't know what I'm hoping will happen if I do it now."
So far, Sasuke had deduced that the best case scenario was Naruto expressing similar regrets about not discussing their feelings years ago. They would agree they once had mutual feelings, and then continue on as friends, perhaps brought closer by the confession. But the worst case scenario was Naruto telling him he had never wanted Sasuke the same way and becoming uncomfortable around him. Sasuke had already pushed Naruto away enough and couldn't bear to do it any more.
"You don't need to want something from him. Sometimes it's enough just to get it off your chest," Sakura said. Then, eyeing the completely blank paper, she added, "If you can't think of something new to say, then why don't you say something old?"
Sasuke sat there a while longer until Sakura wandered away. He mulled over her words. Say something old, huh? She'd given him an idea. He got up and went to the chest in their room, finding a certain scroll still placed on top of the others. He'd already written out his feelings before. And this was about the past anyway, right?
He brought the scroll to the table where he tried his best to scribble a date in the corner. He more or less recalled the month and year he'd written it. He'd never signed it with his name originally, and he almost decided to add that too. But at the last moment before setting the pen to the paper, he changed his mind. Naruto would know.
Before he could change his mind on anything else, Sasuke summoned Garuda to send the letter. The bird gave him a funny look, but allowed Sasuke to tie the scroll onto his foot. After he flew away, Sasuke ran to the sink and vomitted.